"My train of thought left the station without picking up passengers or cargo." ~R

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

That song.

As much as I'd like to write songs as epic as Billie Joe Armstrong does, for some reason my pen seems to resort to the same thing every time I write one: that of a frustrated or confused heart. Okay, yes, I used to write a shitload of parodies, but those don't count. Looking back on all my songwriting, with the exception of a corny attempt at a punk-sounding song, the very first song I wrote which was an even more corny attempt at a dance song (what was I thinking?), and some kind of awkward "discovering myself" themed thing I wrote when I was 14 (that I don't even properly remember what I wrote it for), all of my music has been about heartbreak in some way, shape or form.

Inspiration can come from many sources, but for some reason, I tend to get the most musical when I'm in some sort of turmoil. Ridiculous, really, because I use music generally to bring about happiness. I wrote more songs in 2005 than in the 10 years before that combined. Granted, it was the least I could do while stuck at home, but still. During a span of a couple years (or was it a few, I don't remember), I was in love with three different people, mostly at the same time, and therefore wickedly confused by the entire matter. That year was the pinnacle of it, and it spawned some of my best, and also worst songs.

There's one song that I wrote while at a particularly low point. Actually, what am I talking about. The year 2005 was when I turned 20, and that was one of the most depressing years ever, when I realized that I was already in my 20s and the closest thing I'd ever experienced to having someone seem to like me was a creepy dude in his 40s hitting on me when I was 19. Little did I know that someone I knew actually did like me, which I found out years after the fact. So at the time, it was depressing. Even though I'd liked how I looked when I was younger, I now found myself very unattractive, and didn't think I had anything to offer anybody because I was just an awkward geek. Not to mention that I thought my mother would probably prevent me from seeing anybody even if I did have an opportunity (Looking back, I don't think she would have...actually, I don't really know, but at the time it seemed like a likely situation) At a certain point in time, I honestly believed I would die an old maid.

Anyway, there was this song that I wrote on a night that I was feeling particularly sad. I was feeling quite lost for whatever reason, I think mom was probably mad at me that day too, and I had also been thinking a lot about one of the three above mentioned guys (I often went through phases where I thought of one more than the others for a period of time). Not all of the song came out in one night, in fact I wrote it on three separate occasions over the course of about a week. This was weird for me, as usually I started and finished a song on the same day. It was like it was so difficult for me to deal with what I was feeling that I had a writer's block from it. I really don't know.

All I remember is feeling like crap, and I laid in bed with thoughts of the one who at the time I couldn't get out of my head. It was consoling, yet depressing. I like daydreaming about love (seriously, who doesn't), but at the time it seemed so unattainable...what with the ultra-low confidence I was having, and also other factors that I believed made this person hard to keep in my life. It was these musings that inpired me to write this song. Did I mention this was the person that I also later found out liked me? Oh, the irony.

Even though it is probably one of the most depressing songs I ever wrote, I find myself singing it at random times, especially when I'm really upset about something, and out of all the songs I have, it's probably the one I remember the most often. I started singing it tonight, and that's what inspired this post. I get confused and frustrated a lot. I don't know why, and I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. All the writing I've been doing the past couple of days is kind of unearthing all of these memories of old fears of mine and relating them to current situations.

When I sit by myself in the dead of the night, a plethora of feelings and thoughts float about inside me. They're usually a culmination of the day's positive and negative thoughts and experiences, only they're more mellowed out by this time of day, but with no other distractions around me, they seem to feel more intense. It's one of those alone in the universe kind of feelings (that totally just made me think of the David Usher song, which I just paused to listen to a part of). And then with all of that in my head, I start singing this song.

Don't Know (written July 2005)

What do you do when you're alone in a room
And there is nothing but time that wears away at your mind
You know there's nothing to say, the words have all gone astray
And I just lie in my bed, with only you in my head

Tell me what would you do with me
Tell me what would you do without me

And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
Until you let me know

To see a lone aching heart can tear your own all apart
But sometimes people get jaded, makes things so complicated
Seems like everyone's waiting for some kind of big moment
Everyone's chasing what they want and they don't get

And you're lying when you say that you still want to be free
'Cause you're dying to be captured and throw away the key

And you're wandering out there alone
Trying to find something to call your own
But you don't, you don't, you don't know where to go
And you don't know what you're supposed to find
All you remember is what you've left behind
No, no, you don't know where to go
You've gotta let me know

What are you thinking when you're looking at me
If you could look through my eyes, what do you think you would see
And if you just had the words, do you know what you would say
And when the sun goes down, do you remember my name

Tell me where would I go with you
Tell me where would I go without you

And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
You gotta let me know
You gotta let me know

I remember exactly what it was originally about, but it seems like it somehow creeps its way into my head whenever I have a lot to think about. It is definitely a memorable song to me. I can't think of the proper word to explain what it evokes. But it is both beautiful and scary at the same time.

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