I've been feeling kind of here nor there the last couple days. But I've been noticing a few things that have been indicating a definite change of sorts. Positive change. I think at some pace or another, a paradigm shift is moving around in my brain. Kind of like tectonic plates. Little earthquakes happen here and there, but things are definitely always on the move to a new place.
I've been having a much better outlook on most things, and in fact I've noticed something at home. I'm the one making positive suggestions. I'm the one trying to find a way to do something instead of a bunch of ways to do nothing. It feels kind of weird and out of place for me, but once I became aware of it, I was proud of it. This is definitely going to be an interesting year for me. An interesting, eventful year.
I'm really looking forward to being in Vancouver and getting some extra work somewhere once I'm there. I really want to save some money so I can take driving lessons already. It's been nagging at me for a long time. I gotta just do it. That's one thing I need to do this year. I keep seeing bikes I want to buy but don't have any money for yet. :(
I keep thinking that there's always more to do. Always have to be more, try more things. It's been like that lately, I feel like something has been culminating in me somewhere and I have to explore with it and let things do what they will. I've been the same person for so long, I figured I'd always be. I've let comfort take over me and got myself into being habitual, which is something I never really wanted for myself when I was younger but it happened anyway.
I normally hated change for a lot of things. There are probably a lot of situations in which I still do. But lately I've grown more fond of it, and at this moment it feels like literally anything can happen. It's scary in a way. But maybe a good kind of scary. I don't really know. Like I keep saying, I don't think I'm going to solve most of these mysteries until they just happen.
I've had a couple of dreams as of late of people I used to love, and wonder what it means. Why they specifically are trying to bring messages to me. Maybe it's all these weird new feelings reminding me of all those old, at the time new weird feelings. Excitement. Happy, but confused. Wandering around in my own head. Always wondering (no that wasn't a typo), and trying to figure people out. Thinking, thinking, thinking. So much thinking, all the time. Dumb mental processes. It's time I quieted them for a while and let my heart take back some ownership of my decision making.
In some instances, my brain automatically wants to tell me whether or not it thinks something is practical. Now that I've realized why it's doing that, I've become more conscious of it. And every time I hear the word now, I shudder a little.
My emotions still flutter back and forth. It's not something that's going to just stop anytime soon I don't think. In any case, I think the next few months are going to entail a lot of discovery. About myself, and others. There are things I need to figure out. There is always something, it seems. But this time it feels ultimately bigger. As if it will be particularly life altering or something. I don't know. We'll have to see.
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