Blargh and such.

I don't know why so many days I get up and just panic when I think about starting work for the day. I mean, I work with such a great company who are doing a lot to help me out, but still it doesn't stop the anxiety.

Some days I wish I could just have a normal job, but then that has been pretty hard to come by these days. I've searched for things in Van, applied for a bunch of things, and got one "screening" call, but not a callback because I'm not officially over there yet. Maybe it will be easier once I am, but for now there's pretty much nothing else I can do.

It's weird, I don't really know what starts it, or what makes me so nervous about it. Maybe it's past experience, maybe it's some weird fear of people, or maybe it's something else entirely that has nothing to do with my job at all. I'm thinking it could be all of those things and probably something else that I'm not even thinking of, too.

Sleeping, or lack thereof, doesn't help either. Despite my attempts to fix my schedule I've had a couple of late nights. I went to bed at 1:00am yesterday, though I didn't pay attention to how long it took for me to fall asleep, though it must have been at least a couple hours because I know I was still awake at two-something. Since it gets so erratic sometimes I have to actually set my alarm so that I wake up with enough time before work. Bear in mind that I work at three in the afternoon today. Pretty scary I think. I got up at 1 o' clock this afternoon, and I still feel exhausted and sleep deprived. It doesn't make any sense.

The only thing I can think of is just a perpetual stress that never lets me rest properly. I suppose I'm used to it in a way, as it's been like this for probably 10-15 years now. Sometimes it gets relatively near normal, and sometimes it just wears me out. And then I wake up, not wanting to do anything but let my body take care of itself, and then I have to think about harassing people on the phone. I would have had short shifts today too, but I knew they were taking an hour off of the earlier shifts this week, so I purposely scheduled myself for a later time so that I would get my full hours. But now I'm feeling like I desperately want that hour back.

I wonder if I'll ever be in a position where I have nothing to worry about. It seems like such an elusive state of mind to me. But I suppose I just need to take care of one thing at a time to get there. It just gets difficult to see that far ahead sometimes I guess.

I think I might have had something else to add to this, but I got distracted doing something else and I now have only a few minutes before I gotta start work, so I have to leave it at this. If I think of anything else, I suppose I will just put it later. Here's hoping I don't have a panic freak-out again today. And hopefully by now they'll have organized that conference call they were planning to do with me a couple weeks ago...

Anyhoo. Tata for now.

xoxo,

Me