There is a building in Vancouver, that I often go by on the skytrain, that says, "Everything Is Going To Be Alright" on it. It's not on a billboard or advertisement, it's just there on the top of the building itself, just as the other buildings and towers have their names illuminated on them. It's always there, but I tend to only notice it when it's lighted up at night, and I love seeing it every time I go by. I don't know what the building is for, but it still makes me happy.
I feel alright. I mean, as much as I could be I suppose. Things are in progress, weight has been lifted, and life is going in a generally positive direction. I officially moved on Sunday, but I only spent about 2 days there as I had to head back to Nanaimo yesterday for some things I needed to take care of. Now tomorrow I go back to the new place, only this time I don't know when I'll be back.
I mean, I'm sure it won't be a long time. I know I'm going to be visiting often....only this time it feels different compared to Sunday because this time I'm not sure when I'm coming back. For all I know I could end up broke and not be back for a while. I mean, I don't think so, but still, it's one of those 'I won't know until I get there' type things. I'm going to miss people a lot, but I know they aren't too far away.
Perhaps it's just because I'm still high on the whole, 'this is new and exciting' vibe, but going over felt surprisingly right for me. Even though I knew everyone I care about were miles away, I was still content with the choice that I had made.
On Sunday night, I managed to unpack everything within a couple of hours, and was up late hanging posters and pictures despite the fact that I had to get up early for an interview the next day. After I got everything in place though, it felt more like I lived there; like it was my home, and not just a place where I'm bringing my stuff to and staying for a while. It was a nice feeling.
I realized that evening that I hadn't bought myself an alarm clock, despite the fact that Kara and I had been shopping for pretty much 7 hours that day. I found some dumb online alarm clock, and set my 'puter to not fall asleep, but it decided to ignore that and do so anyway. And since I always fall asleep in the morning, I ended up awakening exactly 1 minute before my bus was supposed to leave.
I looked for when the next bus was and managed to get ready and run out of the house in 10 minutes, something I've never done in my life. By the time I got downtown, it was already 5 minutes to the time I was supposed to be there and I still had a ways to go. I called a cab but they didn't come.
So, I called the place I was supposed to go to, and it turned out the owner had forgotten I was even coming, because the girl that answered the phone said she hadn't come in. Anyway, we worked stuff out, and I ended up going for my interview an hour and a half later. It went okay. I was anxious at first from the whole morning fiasco, but I relaxed after a few minutes and she seemed to like me enough. She even said that I "look artistic."
I thought that was funny, since I wouldn't think of my style as one that screams artist. :P But it was cool that she thought that, and since I am *technically* more of an artsy type than anything else (even though that word doesn't seem to suit me), I was glad to be recognized. Anyway, we'll see what will become of my performance.
Anyhoo, I must be off now, because I have to get some things ready for tomorrow, sleep, and then go get my ferry and go directly to have a corset fitting done, since the Morrismore Models launch is on Friday (so excited!).
Besides, I am sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy now. Nighty night people.
xoxo,
Me <3
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
*SQUEEEE!!!* Vancouver, here I come! :D
After being kind of here nor there the last little while, things have changed in my last couple days in Nanaimo.
Today started out pretty rough. I got up, packed the rest of my stuff, which was a fuck of a lot more stuff than I anticipated (going around the house, seeing things and going, 'hey, I should bring that,' or "hey, I forgot about this," and junk like that). So I spent a few hours doing that, then hauling it down to the car, then started freaking out because I was running out of time to get ready to go to the show tonight.
I ended up going into high stress panic mode, as one thing at a time started fucking my schedule over. I was trying to get ready and still have time to hang out with Owen since it would be the last opportunity to before I left. So I was freaking out about that, and still wasn't ready, and anxiety was rising like a motherfucker. That word may not have worked in context there, but I'm not going to change it, because it sums it up well.
Then FINALLY we got out of the house and, surprise, surprise....(or not)...the car decides this would be the day it doesn't want to start. Shit. Then I freaked out more and started to cry, but had to tilt my head back all the way so as to not fuck up all the makeup I just did. Oh, and did I mention I woke up with a fucked over stiff spine this morning and every other movement I made was like, Ow, shit. Aaaaanyway...
So I was determined to go out and have a nice dinner with Owen, so we caught a cab to White Spot, which I figured would be the nicest place to go without wasting a lot of time. Then we finally get there and it's fucking packed (I later discovered it was Prom night...go figure!). Thankfully we didn't have to wait long to be seated. I was about to have a caniption at this point and called Melissa to let her know I was still alive, and coming and also to figure out where I was going since I forgot to go get the address from home.
I then spent half the time we were there in the bathroom trying to fix my false eyelashes, which were poking me to death every time I blinked and was about to drive my high stress mood into a full-on murderous rage. After about five attempts I finally fixed it. I felt bad for Owen for having spent so little time with him and profusely apologized. I ordered a salad (the thing I could eat the fastest...it was the first time in like, forever that I didn't take like half an hour to decide what I wanted). Anyhoo, I pretty much inhaled the salad as I was too concerned about being late to think of anything else. I must have looked like I was ravenous or something. (That's the right word, right?)
Anyhoo, so I swallowed my meal, and then dashed for a cab to get to the show. The cab guy was trying to make conversation and was taking his time and I was just really anxious to get going. Finally he got the hint, or rather, I told him I was having a hell of a day (not that way, but more or less). But, I got there, and in good time too. I ran upstairs and changed, since I also didn't have time to do that at home (which by the way, my costume ruled).
The show was fabulously freaking amazing (I'd use more adjectives, but you get the idea). I was so proud of my girls and filled with so much love. It was a nice final thing to do in Nanaimo and I'm so glad that it coincided with me leaving. I will miss my girls so much, but I know I will be back soon to perform with them anyway so I am not too worried.
Anyway, all in all it was a good day. A little of everything happened...happy, sad, stressed, relieved...and it all balanced everything out and ended up leaving me in a good mood at the end of it all. I am in a take-on-the-world and kick fear in the face kind of mindset right now. What I freaked out so much about in the past is over. Now I get to do some new terrifying things, only this time it's exciting scary, not horrifying scary.
I feel really good. And despite the fact that I need to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning, I somehow managed to stay up another hour just to blog about what a good mood I'm in. Jeezus, I'm nuts. But in a good way.
Oh, by the way, there's no way in hell I'm taking the time to edit this thing right now, so if it sounds like a bunch of rambling run-on sentences, using the same words over and over again, and just general nonsensicalness, that's why, and I don't care. It gets the message across, and it says what I want it to say.
Attempt to sleep, here I come! And tomorrow....
VAN-FREAKING-COUVER!!!!
OHMYGOD, YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D
Big love to all. If it weren't for all of you crazy-awesome people, I wouldn't be here right now.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Sheeyan <3
Today started out pretty rough. I got up, packed the rest of my stuff, which was a fuck of a lot more stuff than I anticipated (going around the house, seeing things and going, 'hey, I should bring that,' or "hey, I forgot about this," and junk like that). So I spent a few hours doing that, then hauling it down to the car, then started freaking out because I was running out of time to get ready to go to the show tonight.
I ended up going into high stress panic mode, as one thing at a time started fucking my schedule over. I was trying to get ready and still have time to hang out with Owen since it would be the last opportunity to before I left. So I was freaking out about that, and still wasn't ready, and anxiety was rising like a motherfucker. That word may not have worked in context there, but I'm not going to change it, because it sums it up well.
Then FINALLY we got out of the house and, surprise, surprise....(or not)...the car decides this would be the day it doesn't want to start. Shit. Then I freaked out more and started to cry, but had to tilt my head back all the way so as to not fuck up all the makeup I just did. Oh, and did I mention I woke up with a fucked over stiff spine this morning and every other movement I made was like, Ow, shit. Aaaaanyway...
So I was determined to go out and have a nice dinner with Owen, so we caught a cab to White Spot, which I figured would be the nicest place to go without wasting a lot of time. Then we finally get there and it's fucking packed (I later discovered it was Prom night...go figure!). Thankfully we didn't have to wait long to be seated. I was about to have a caniption at this point and called Melissa to let her know I was still alive, and coming and also to figure out where I was going since I forgot to go get the address from home.
I then spent half the time we were there in the bathroom trying to fix my false eyelashes, which were poking me to death every time I blinked and was about to drive my high stress mood into a full-on murderous rage. After about five attempts I finally fixed it. I felt bad for Owen for having spent so little time with him and profusely apologized. I ordered a salad (the thing I could eat the fastest...it was the first time in like, forever that I didn't take like half an hour to decide what I wanted). Anyhoo, I pretty much inhaled the salad as I was too concerned about being late to think of anything else. I must have looked like I was ravenous or something. (That's the right word, right?)
Anyhoo, so I swallowed my meal, and then dashed for a cab to get to the show. The cab guy was trying to make conversation and was taking his time and I was just really anxious to get going. Finally he got the hint, or rather, I told him I was having a hell of a day (not that way, but more or less). But, I got there, and in good time too. I ran upstairs and changed, since I also didn't have time to do that at home (which by the way, my costume ruled).
The show was fabulously freaking amazing (I'd use more adjectives, but you get the idea). I was so proud of my girls and filled with so much love. It was a nice final thing to do in Nanaimo and I'm so glad that it coincided with me leaving. I will miss my girls so much, but I know I will be back soon to perform with them anyway so I am not too worried.
Anyway, all in all it was a good day. A little of everything happened...happy, sad, stressed, relieved...and it all balanced everything out and ended up leaving me in a good mood at the end of it all. I am in a take-on-the-world and kick fear in the face kind of mindset right now. What I freaked out so much about in the past is over. Now I get to do some new terrifying things, only this time it's exciting scary, not horrifying scary.
I feel really good. And despite the fact that I need to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning, I somehow managed to stay up another hour just to blog about what a good mood I'm in. Jeezus, I'm nuts. But in a good way.
Oh, by the way, there's no way in hell I'm taking the time to edit this thing right now, so if it sounds like a bunch of rambling run-on sentences, using the same words over and over again, and just general nonsensicalness, that's why, and I don't care. It gets the message across, and it says what I want it to say.
Attempt to sleep, here I come! And tomorrow....
VAN-FREAKING-COUVER!!!!
OHMYGOD, YAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D
Big love to all. If it weren't for all of you crazy-awesome people, I wouldn't be here right now.
xoxoxoxoxo,
Sheeyan <3
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The Countdown Begins.
So I have less than 24 hours to get the last of my crap together and stuff it in the car tomorrow. Moving kind of snuck up on me. I was used to it happening slowly, and now everything is going to be done by Sunday and it almost feels kind of weird. In just two days, I will be alone.
I've been doing my best to ignore this fact, but now it will be reality. I've used the last couple of weeks to spend as much time as I can hanging around the ones whom I know will miss me the most, since I don't really know at this point how often I will be able to come back and visit, especially as funds are going to be a bit tighter.
I'm kind of feeling neither here nor there right now, but I'm thinking that it's mainly because I'm tired and can't really notice anything at the moment. Knowing me however, I will probably start becoming acutely aware of everything I'm feeling as soon as I start trying to fall asleep. My emotions love toying with my sleep cycle. It's really quite annoying. Anyhoo.
Tomorrow night will be my last night with the troupe as a member. I am so excited to see the show, yet a little sad because it will be both a hello and goodbye night. But I'm glad it's the last thing I get to do in Nanaimo before I leave. It will definitely put good memories in my head to take across the ferry with me and I'm glad the dates coincided. :)
Speaking of awesome ladies, Kara has agreed to get up bright and early the day after the show and take my stuff over. We'll also be doing our long-awaited shopping trip we've been anticipating since like, last October, so that should also be fun, albeit probably tiring. It will be a long couple of days, and then I'll have another nice early morning to go to my interview on Monday. It's at some clothing boutique type store I've never seen before. I don't know if it is a boutique, but it looks like some kind of place that ladies with money shop at, so that's why I call it that. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully well. I don't know how much longer I can take phone-harassing people.
Anyway, tomorrow will be a busy day, so I should probably attempt to sleep now. Depending on whether or not my 'puter has housebreaking issues, or probably just because I'll be super busy, I probably won't post for another couple of days. But either way, you'll find out what I'm doing. I never stay away from facebook that long. :P
Tata for now my lovelies.
xoxo,
Me <3
PS - Jean, I broke out laughing out of nowhere today about the fridge thing in the middle of the afternoon. Nothing triggered it, it just popped into my head and I rofl'd. Just thought you'd like to know. ;)
I've been doing my best to ignore this fact, but now it will be reality. I've used the last couple of weeks to spend as much time as I can hanging around the ones whom I know will miss me the most, since I don't really know at this point how often I will be able to come back and visit, especially as funds are going to be a bit tighter.
I'm kind of feeling neither here nor there right now, but I'm thinking that it's mainly because I'm tired and can't really notice anything at the moment. Knowing me however, I will probably start becoming acutely aware of everything I'm feeling as soon as I start trying to fall asleep. My emotions love toying with my sleep cycle. It's really quite annoying. Anyhoo.
Tomorrow night will be my last night with the troupe as a member. I am so excited to see the show, yet a little sad because it will be both a hello and goodbye night. But I'm glad it's the last thing I get to do in Nanaimo before I leave. It will definitely put good memories in my head to take across the ferry with me and I'm glad the dates coincided. :)
Speaking of awesome ladies, Kara has agreed to get up bright and early the day after the show and take my stuff over. We'll also be doing our long-awaited shopping trip we've been anticipating since like, last October, so that should also be fun, albeit probably tiring. It will be a long couple of days, and then I'll have another nice early morning to go to my interview on Monday. It's at some clothing boutique type store I've never seen before. I don't know if it is a boutique, but it looks like some kind of place that ladies with money shop at, so that's why I call it that. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully well. I don't know how much longer I can take phone-harassing people.
Anyway, tomorrow will be a busy day, so I should probably attempt to sleep now. Depending on whether or not my 'puter has housebreaking issues, or probably just because I'll be super busy, I probably won't post for another couple of days. But either way, you'll find out what I'm doing. I never stay away from facebook that long. :P
Tata for now my lovelies.
xoxo,
Me <3
PS - Jean, I broke out laughing out of nowhere today about the fridge thing in the middle of the afternoon. Nothing triggered it, it just popped into my head and I rofl'd. Just thought you'd like to know. ;)
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fuck.
I feel so retarded sometimes. So terribly, horribly stupid. Nay, not I feel--I AM. My goodness. >_>
(Nothing noteworthy happened today. I have just been thinking this a lot and wanted to just say it.)
(Nothing noteworthy happened today. I have just been thinking this a lot and wanted to just say it.)
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Missing what's not gone yet (And musical blogs.)
Okay so I said I'd write something so I suppose I should do that.
I've been getting mixed feelings as of late. Sometimes I want to do one thing, sometimes I want to do another. I have a feeling that I'm going to go do something stupid and then not be able to turn back from it. Yet it looms ominously in my head...I have to do something about it, only I keep procrastinating because it's hardly something simple to deal with.
I talk to people about stuff, and some things they say make sense and some things don't. Or maybe it does and I'm just not at the point of realizing it yet. Then again there is still much that has been unsaid, and until everything just comes out, I'm not sure I'll be able to really figure out anything I worry about. Yes, I talk about that a lot. I know that. But it's because it has been pissing me off for a long time. That or something like that is, though I'm not sure what exactly.
I know within the next couple weeks is when I'm going to have to do something. The plan is to have all the rest of my stuff over in Vancouver before May, and then once I'm there, I'm there. There's no changing my mind now. And my time is coming closer and closer. The more that time passes, the more I feel the urge to procrastinate. I've been doing a fairly decent job of keeping a level head, but here and there I can feel it trying to throw me off kilter.
I have been having a big urge to be around people as many times as I can before I leave. I feel like I've missed out on a bunch of time I could have spent with them because I've wasted it while worrying about something else. The only problem with catching up right now is that I'll go from having a more or less increased social life and being used to being around people all the time, to going to Vancouver and having no one with me or nobody nearby that I can just walk to their house whenever I want to just stop and forget about the things that worry me and be around people I love. Le sigh.
Who knows what experiences Van will hold though...in fact I'm quite looking forward to them. Though I can feel this extra time I've had to spend now in Nanaimo is wearing at me...I feel like my comfort zone is getting annoyed with me and would like to have it's rule back in my head. But so far my defense line is keeping it out. All I need to do is get over there, and the biggest battle (with that at least) will have been done.
As for everything else, well, that will just be a continuous work in progress.
I got the urge to watch Dr. Horrible today, and every time I watch it I remember so much awesome about it, and find other ways to relate it to myself. Still my favourite thing from there ever is:
"Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface."
"...And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one."
"Huh?"
"Like with pie."
And so, since I've got this song in my head now, today's lyrics-of-the-day are courtesy of Dr. Horrible Act I. :P
Freeze Ray - Dr. Horrible
Laundry day
See you there
Underthings
Tumbling
Wanna say,
Love your hair
Here I go,
Mumbling
With my freeze ray I will stop the world
With my freeze ray I will
Find the time to find the words to...
Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Anyways...
With my freeze ray I will stop the pain
It’s not a death ray or an ice beam
That’s all Johnny Snow
I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still
That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me
Any day
Love your hair
"What?"
"No, I-I-I...love the...air..."
Anyway...
With my freeze ray I will stop--
I love the little random imagined dance he does with Penny during this song. Also, I never noticed before that he throws a wink in on that last verse. That gained this song even more awesome points. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: NPH just equals epic win.
Note to self: I totally want to have a sing-along blog. I mean, I post songs and stuff often enough as it is. :P Man, if I ever get a webcam, I am SO making musical v-logs. Lol.
Second note to self: Even more awesome idea: Come up with a superhero(villian?) or other random not-me type persona and do v-logs with that, à la Dr. Horrible. I don't know how I'd go about it or if it would even work well (nevermind that it's not exactly an original idea :P), but it would still be hella funny. Sweeeet. I am SO going to do that now. ;)
xoxo,
Me
I've been getting mixed feelings as of late. Sometimes I want to do one thing, sometimes I want to do another. I have a feeling that I'm going to go do something stupid and then not be able to turn back from it. Yet it looms ominously in my head...I have to do something about it, only I keep procrastinating because it's hardly something simple to deal with.
I talk to people about stuff, and some things they say make sense and some things don't. Or maybe it does and I'm just not at the point of realizing it yet. Then again there is still much that has been unsaid, and until everything just comes out, I'm not sure I'll be able to really figure out anything I worry about. Yes, I talk about that a lot. I know that. But it's because it has been pissing me off for a long time. That or something like that is, though I'm not sure what exactly.
I know within the next couple weeks is when I'm going to have to do something. The plan is to have all the rest of my stuff over in Vancouver before May, and then once I'm there, I'm there. There's no changing my mind now. And my time is coming closer and closer. The more that time passes, the more I feel the urge to procrastinate. I've been doing a fairly decent job of keeping a level head, but here and there I can feel it trying to throw me off kilter.
I have been having a big urge to be around people as many times as I can before I leave. I feel like I've missed out on a bunch of time I could have spent with them because I've wasted it while worrying about something else. The only problem with catching up right now is that I'll go from having a more or less increased social life and being used to being around people all the time, to going to Vancouver and having no one with me or nobody nearby that I can just walk to their house whenever I want to just stop and forget about the things that worry me and be around people I love. Le sigh.
Who knows what experiences Van will hold though...in fact I'm quite looking forward to them. Though I can feel this extra time I've had to spend now in Nanaimo is wearing at me...I feel like my comfort zone is getting annoyed with me and would like to have it's rule back in my head. But so far my defense line is keeping it out. All I need to do is get over there, and the biggest battle (with that at least) will have been done.
As for everything else, well, that will just be a continuous work in progress.
I got the urge to watch Dr. Horrible today, and every time I watch it I remember so much awesome about it, and find other ways to relate it to myself. Still my favourite thing from there ever is:
"Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface."
"...And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level, and that one is the same as the top surface one."
"Huh?"
"Like with pie."
And so, since I've got this song in my head now, today's lyrics-of-the-day are courtesy of Dr. Horrible Act I. :P
Freeze Ray - Dr. Horrible
Laundry day
See you there
Underthings
Tumbling
Wanna say,
Love your hair
Here I go,
Mumbling
With my freeze ray I will stop the world
With my freeze ray I will
Find the time to find the words to...
Tell you how
How you make
Make me feel
What’s the phrase?
Like a fool
Kinda sick
Special needs
Anyways...
With my freeze ray I will stop the pain
It’s not a death ray or an ice beam
That’s all Johnny Snow
I just think you need time to know
That I’m the guy to make it real
The feelings you don’t dare to feel
I’ll bend the world to our will
And we’ll make time stand still
That’s the plan
Rule the world
You and me
Any day
Love your hair
"What?"
"No, I-I-I...love the...air..."
Anyway...
With my freeze ray I will stop--
I love the little random imagined dance he does with Penny during this song. Also, I never noticed before that he throws a wink in on that last verse. That gained this song even more awesome points. I've said it before and I'll keep saying it: NPH just equals epic win.
Note to self: I totally want to have a sing-along blog. I mean, I post songs and stuff often enough as it is. :P Man, if I ever get a webcam, I am SO making musical v-logs. Lol.
Second note to self: Even more awesome idea: Come up with a superhero(villian?) or other random not-me type persona and do v-logs with that, à la Dr. Horrible. I don't know how I'd go about it or if it would even work well (nevermind that it's not exactly an original idea :P), but it would still be hella funny. Sweeeet. I am SO going to do that now. ;)
xoxo,
Me
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Withdrawal?
It's only been about 48 hours since I last made a post but for some reason it feels like forever ago. :P However, since it is already 3:00am, I won't start one now because that would just be asking for more insomnia. I'll try and update tomorrow. Tata!
xoxo,
Me <3
xoxo,
Me <3
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Midnight adventures.
I love going for midnight walks now. There's just something awesome about walking around outside in the pitch black with not a single car on the road anywhere. I just walk where my feet take me, and listen to music the whole time.
I get time to think, or not think if I feel like it, because either way is possible to do without getting distracted. Which is nice, because it helps me relax and just not do anything at all if I don't want to.
Some days are different than others. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by everything and the walking just gives me time to deal with things. Other times I feel completely neutral and can keep the things I worry about at bay.
My senses feel more aware when I'm out there. I become aware of smells I wouldn't normally notice, like of the ocean or of the trees and plants. I notice details of things I never would normally look at, and I find shops I didn't know existed, or pathways that lead to neat little hidden places.
The one thing that I enjoy the most is seeing the lights. I think I seek them out subconsciously and walk in the direction of where I think I'll find the ones I love the most...like the lights from buildings and houses that you can see from across the water on the nearby shores. (They remind me of what a mine of diamonds might look like. Only more yellow. :P) Or the reflection of marine lights gleaming across the water. Or the beautiful blue lights they have on the trees in the park downtown. I walked through there tonight. Whether you're seeing it from a distance or are just right in the middle of it, it's so gorgeous to look at. While I walked toward, around and through there, my head was always turned, looking at them.
I love the ambient lighting of the street and park lights. It's perfect; there's just enough light to find your way but it's dim enough to be pleasant and calming. The temperature is perfect right now too. I never get cold or warm except usually near the end of my walk I'll want to take my gloves off. But the air is crisp enough to keep me feeling refreshed the entire time and feels so good on my face.
I wonder if I'll be able to go out at night like this at my new place. The neighbourhood around the house seems pretty quiet in the evening and is just a bunch of rich(er) people's houses, so I imagine going around the block won't hurt, but I'll have to feel it out once I'm there. I know I'll miss being able to walk at night if I can't. I've grown kind of fond of it, even though I've only done it a few times now. But I think I'll be in a regular habit of doing it now since I've realized how much I really do love it.
Not too much to report today in terms of thoughts and feelings. Things are always...going...but it's not always necessary to relay my thoughts day to day when it's about the same thing I was thinking about yesterday. Stuff always goes round and round my head, making its usual annoying roundabouts up there...but there are no new major ideas as of yet. As for this very moment? Well, right now I feel calm, and I suppose that's a good thing.
I think that's a good place to end off for tonight.
xoxo,
Me <3
I get time to think, or not think if I feel like it, because either way is possible to do without getting distracted. Which is nice, because it helps me relax and just not do anything at all if I don't want to.
Some days are different than others. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by everything and the walking just gives me time to deal with things. Other times I feel completely neutral and can keep the things I worry about at bay.
My senses feel more aware when I'm out there. I become aware of smells I wouldn't normally notice, like of the ocean or of the trees and plants. I notice details of things I never would normally look at, and I find shops I didn't know existed, or pathways that lead to neat little hidden places.
The one thing that I enjoy the most is seeing the lights. I think I seek them out subconsciously and walk in the direction of where I think I'll find the ones I love the most...like the lights from buildings and houses that you can see from across the water on the nearby shores. (They remind me of what a mine of diamonds might look like. Only more yellow. :P) Or the reflection of marine lights gleaming across the water. Or the beautiful blue lights they have on the trees in the park downtown. I walked through there tonight. Whether you're seeing it from a distance or are just right in the middle of it, it's so gorgeous to look at. While I walked toward, around and through there, my head was always turned, looking at them.
I love the ambient lighting of the street and park lights. It's perfect; there's just enough light to find your way but it's dim enough to be pleasant and calming. The temperature is perfect right now too. I never get cold or warm except usually near the end of my walk I'll want to take my gloves off. But the air is crisp enough to keep me feeling refreshed the entire time and feels so good on my face.
I wonder if I'll be able to go out at night like this at my new place. The neighbourhood around the house seems pretty quiet in the evening and is just a bunch of rich(er) people's houses, so I imagine going around the block won't hurt, but I'll have to feel it out once I'm there. I know I'll miss being able to walk at night if I can't. I've grown kind of fond of it, even though I've only done it a few times now. But I think I'll be in a regular habit of doing it now since I've realized how much I really do love it.
Not too much to report today in terms of thoughts and feelings. Things are always...going...but it's not always necessary to relay my thoughts day to day when it's about the same thing I was thinking about yesterday. Stuff always goes round and round my head, making its usual annoying roundabouts up there...but there are no new major ideas as of yet. As for this very moment? Well, right now I feel calm, and I suppose that's a good thing.
I think that's a good place to end off for tonight.
xoxo,
Me <3
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Hmm...
I called my sister today and blabbed for a good hour and a half to two hours. It was good to finally be able to update her on the news, though I don't think I stopped talking for more than a moment or two at a time throughout the entire call. But it was nice to get stuff out and let her know what was going on.
A few nights this week I've been going out at night and finding I'm enjoying being out in the pitch dark and listening to music. I was thinking I might just start going out for walks at night and see what that does for me. Besides, it's exercise anyway.
I'm so at a loss at what I should be doing right now. I've been keeping so many things in for the past several months and I'm really needing to do something about that. I talk about things a little bit at a time and it does help to some degree or another. But so many different things go through my head at once and sometimes it's hard to tell where one thing ends and the next begins. Every question brings up many possible solutions.
Hm. I am not having a very easy time writing out my thoughts tonight. I've had this post up probably a couple hours now and have barely been able to say anything, nevermind other distractions. Then again, I'm not really too sure on how to say what I want to convey. Perhaps I will go take a walk and see if it brings up anything useful and write more later. Le sigh.
xoxo,
Me
A few nights this week I've been going out at night and finding I'm enjoying being out in the pitch dark and listening to music. I was thinking I might just start going out for walks at night and see what that does for me. Besides, it's exercise anyway.
I'm so at a loss at what I should be doing right now. I've been keeping so many things in for the past several months and I'm really needing to do something about that. I talk about things a little bit at a time and it does help to some degree or another. But so many different things go through my head at once and sometimes it's hard to tell where one thing ends and the next begins. Every question brings up many possible solutions.
Hm. I am not having a very easy time writing out my thoughts tonight. I've had this post up probably a couple hours now and have barely been able to say anything, nevermind other distractions. Then again, I'm not really too sure on how to say what I want to convey. Perhaps I will go take a walk and see if it brings up anything useful and write more later. Le sigh.
xoxo,
Me
Unexpected reactions.
I ended (am ending?) today (technically now yesterday) on a surprisingly positive note considering how I was feeling when I got up this morning (technically afternoon). My earlier post and facebook status got a lot more attention than I thought it would and I was overwhelmed with kindness from a few random people sending me consoling messages. When I say random, I mean people that don't even normally talk to me that much. It was so nice to realize that people still silently care about you in the background. I also realized that more people must read this blog than I originally thought would. Then again, I do post every one to facebook. :P
It was funny, I started work today, thinking I wouldn't be able to get through it, and actually found my mood lifting while at work as I interviewed Ontarians about their thoughts on electricity. :P It was ironic, seeing as how I have been getting so much stress just at the thought of doing my job lately. It was funny even. I was stressed out about something not related to work, and it made me like my job. Crazy, huh? Maybe it was just a 'crazy random happenstance' (couldn't resist the Dr. Horrible quote there), but it was still nice to have that happen as opposed to having a crappy day and thus even crappier shift. But my mood was lighter at the end of it, and I was glad that it happened.
The guys were nerding it up in the livingroom after work and at about the same time I got invited over to go watch a movie with someone, so I was like hell, I've been having late night outings this week, why not another one? It was nice to just chill out for a bit. We watched Juno. I had it in my head that it would be a dumb tween movie, but it was actually pretty well done and I enjoyed it. Ironically a part in it kind of reminded me of something that was going through my own head lately. But it was cute and sweet, and exactly what I needed today.
The aforementioned issue from this morning still exists (obviously), but at least I feel better right now. I even was able to laugh at myself this evening, and this time it wasn't the "Holy fuck I'm scared shitless" nervous kind of laugh that you do because your body doesn't know how else to react to something, but more of an "Oh, I'm so silly. The crazy things life throws at us..." laugh that people usually do when they look back at something that was painful at the time in a more lighthearted kind of way.
When I became aware of myself doing it, it was kind of relieving, and I was like, hey, at least I can laugh at myself and that's a nice feeling. But by no means was I 'looking back' at anything, and I knew that, because this is nowhere near over--in fact it's just beginning. And I know that it was a nice moment of positivity, but more emotional moments like the one I had this morning are inevitable because this is a painful experience I am having, and I know I will experience many extreme highs and lows with it.
Anyway, I can always go on and on writing, but it's about time I went to bed because my head is aching a bit. I need sleeeeeep. The sweet comfort of my bed is calling me.
Tata.
It was funny, I started work today, thinking I wouldn't be able to get through it, and actually found my mood lifting while at work as I interviewed Ontarians about their thoughts on electricity. :P It was ironic, seeing as how I have been getting so much stress just at the thought of doing my job lately. It was funny even. I was stressed out about something not related to work, and it made me like my job. Crazy, huh? Maybe it was just a 'crazy random happenstance' (couldn't resist the Dr. Horrible quote there), but it was still nice to have that happen as opposed to having a crappy day and thus even crappier shift. But my mood was lighter at the end of it, and I was glad that it happened.
The guys were nerding it up in the livingroom after work and at about the same time I got invited over to go watch a movie with someone, so I was like hell, I've been having late night outings this week, why not another one? It was nice to just chill out for a bit. We watched Juno. I had it in my head that it would be a dumb tween movie, but it was actually pretty well done and I enjoyed it. Ironically a part in it kind of reminded me of something that was going through my own head lately. But it was cute and sweet, and exactly what I needed today.
The aforementioned issue from this morning still exists (obviously), but at least I feel better right now. I even was able to laugh at myself this evening, and this time it wasn't the "Holy fuck I'm scared shitless" nervous kind of laugh that you do because your body doesn't know how else to react to something, but more of an "Oh, I'm so silly. The crazy things life throws at us..." laugh that people usually do when they look back at something that was painful at the time in a more lighthearted kind of way.
When I became aware of myself doing it, it was kind of relieving, and I was like, hey, at least I can laugh at myself and that's a nice feeling. But by no means was I 'looking back' at anything, and I knew that, because this is nowhere near over--in fact it's just beginning. And I know that it was a nice moment of positivity, but more emotional moments like the one I had this morning are inevitable because this is a painful experience I am having, and I know I will experience many extreme highs and lows with it.
Anyway, I can always go on and on writing, but it's about time I went to bed because my head is aching a bit. I need sleeeeeep. The sweet comfort of my bed is calling me.
Tata.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Help!!!
I am so freaked out right now. I try to make it stop, but I can't. Something is snapping in my head and I really wish it would just quit it.
It felt weird coming home yesterday. I got home from Van and stayed in the house all of two hours or so before heading out at about 9:30. I mean seriously, I never leave the house that late usually. I got back at about 2:00 a.m. and still didn't go to bed for probably at least half an hour, doing whatever I was doing on the computer. I reluctantly got out of bed at 1:00 in the afternoon today and still wish I could be sleeping right now.
I tried to listen to some music but sometimes I don't know if that makes me feel better or just exacerbates everything. I started feeling the latter, so I just turned it off.
Too much is happening at once. I hate when I think too much, but I have to think in order to figure out what to do. Something is going to explode if I don't. But I don't know what to do. I don't know anything. I think this is one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me.
I've tried everything I can think of to distract myself to put it out of my mind. But nothing works. Nothing has worked for a long time now. I'm running out of ideas, and everything is just really freaking me out right now.
I feel broken.
It felt weird coming home yesterday. I got home from Van and stayed in the house all of two hours or so before heading out at about 9:30. I mean seriously, I never leave the house that late usually. I got back at about 2:00 a.m. and still didn't go to bed for probably at least half an hour, doing whatever I was doing on the computer. I reluctantly got out of bed at 1:00 in the afternoon today and still wish I could be sleeping right now.
I tried to listen to some music but sometimes I don't know if that makes me feel better or just exacerbates everything. I started feeling the latter, so I just turned it off.
Too much is happening at once. I hate when I think too much, but I have to think in order to figure out what to do. Something is going to explode if I don't. But I don't know what to do. I don't know anything. I think this is one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me.
I've tried everything I can think of to distract myself to put it out of my mind. But nothing works. Nothing has worked for a long time now. I'm running out of ideas, and everything is just really freaking me out right now.
I feel broken.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Just me, the wind and the music.
It was a beautiful afternoon in Vancouver and I didn't want to go back to Nanaimo. I wanted to just wander the afternoon away and enjoy my surroundings. I wasted a bit of time, and then decided I'd better just head back.
While on the bus I searched my mp3 player for a song that would suit my mood, but didn't really find anything that worked, so I just mindlessly listened and stared off into space.
I got on the ferry and tried not to think about anything. I got up and walked around. Sometimes when I'm listening to music and walking through people it feels like some kind of dramatic scene from a movie, like this: You see someone walking toward you in a busy place, but with a defined space around them (in this case the aisle) separating them from the crowd so that they stand out. They're walking, almost in slow motion, and then they pass, you forget about it and the music fades. I don't know why I always think about that.
Deciding I had nothing to see, I sat back down and narrowed down my music list to a few songs that I decided I liked. I looked outside at the water, then stared into space as I got more absorbed in what I was listening to. I stayed in my seat awhile and became immersed in it. Most of the trip must have gone by as I sat there. I found a moving song to listen to, and then looked outside once again and felt a huge pull toward it.
I went to the door with almost a feeling of determination; I thought it would be cold but I didn't care. I opened the door and walked out. The wind met my face and I drew in a sharp breath as it hit me, but it was an exhilarating feeling. I walked to the front of the ship and felt alive as the wind rushed against me. I quickly decided I needed to go put my hoodie back on, which I had to go inside to do as it was too windy to do it outside. I felt lame interrupting the moment, but I ignored that and went back out.
The sun was dropping and there was a beautiful sheen of sunlight on a strip of ocean. I looked at that sunlit water for most of my time outside. I turned to face different directions to catch each view as we passed it. The wind blew and blew, and my ears began to hurt, but all I could hear was my music and the loud rushing of air...I took in all of my surroundings and I enjoyed it.
My eyes watered, but I had put my sunglasses on to block the bright sun so it wasn't a big deal. I think at one point I let a few tears out--just a few though, as I soon realized I shouldn't have because they promptly turned cold as ice on my face. But the cold was refreshing, and I just let it do it's thing.
I stayed up there and stared at everything until the ship started to dock. I watched the waves crash in front of the boat into the dock, and a part of me wished I could be at the beach right now, having the cold waves crash around me. Frothy ocean has such a beautiful colour to it.
I wished the ride could have gone on a little bit longer so I could have watched everything some more. I reluctantly left the deck to leave the ferry, and the ramp was inconveniently on the opposite side that I was standing on, so I had to wait inside for a while as I waited to be let out.
As I was walking through the terminal again I had that movie scene thing run through my head, only this time it felt like a theatre instead. I felt distanced from the crowd of people around me and was only aware of myself walking, still listening to that song I had now been playing over and over and over. It's a strange feeling when that happens. You're this teeny dot in the universe and everyone is going about their business around you, as if they are only props that God put there to make the scene look interesting.
I exited the terminal and got in a cab, and literally drove off into the sunset.
It felt weird walking into the house, like the moment you walk out of a theatre. The emotions that arose while watching begin to wane as your eyes adjust to the difference in the light and reality.
******************************
Here is what I was listening to.
Bittersweet Sympony - The Verve
(Seriously one of the prettiest songs ever.)
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the things meet, yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
No, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you ever been down?
Man, I love the sound of those violins.
xoxo, Me
While on the bus I searched my mp3 player for a song that would suit my mood, but didn't really find anything that worked, so I just mindlessly listened and stared off into space.
I got on the ferry and tried not to think about anything. I got up and walked around. Sometimes when I'm listening to music and walking through people it feels like some kind of dramatic scene from a movie, like this: You see someone walking toward you in a busy place, but with a defined space around them (in this case the aisle) separating them from the crowd so that they stand out. They're walking, almost in slow motion, and then they pass, you forget about it and the music fades. I don't know why I always think about that.
Deciding I had nothing to see, I sat back down and narrowed down my music list to a few songs that I decided I liked. I looked outside at the water, then stared into space as I got more absorbed in what I was listening to. I stayed in my seat awhile and became immersed in it. Most of the trip must have gone by as I sat there. I found a moving song to listen to, and then looked outside once again and felt a huge pull toward it.
I went to the door with almost a feeling of determination; I thought it would be cold but I didn't care. I opened the door and walked out. The wind met my face and I drew in a sharp breath as it hit me, but it was an exhilarating feeling. I walked to the front of the ship and felt alive as the wind rushed against me. I quickly decided I needed to go put my hoodie back on, which I had to go inside to do as it was too windy to do it outside. I felt lame interrupting the moment, but I ignored that and went back out.
The sun was dropping and there was a beautiful sheen of sunlight on a strip of ocean. I looked at that sunlit water for most of my time outside. I turned to face different directions to catch each view as we passed it. The wind blew and blew, and my ears began to hurt, but all I could hear was my music and the loud rushing of air...I took in all of my surroundings and I enjoyed it.
My eyes watered, but I had put my sunglasses on to block the bright sun so it wasn't a big deal. I think at one point I let a few tears out--just a few though, as I soon realized I shouldn't have because they promptly turned cold as ice on my face. But the cold was refreshing, and I just let it do it's thing.
I stayed up there and stared at everything until the ship started to dock. I watched the waves crash in front of the boat into the dock, and a part of me wished I could be at the beach right now, having the cold waves crash around me. Frothy ocean has such a beautiful colour to it.
I wished the ride could have gone on a little bit longer so I could have watched everything some more. I reluctantly left the deck to leave the ferry, and the ramp was inconveniently on the opposite side that I was standing on, so I had to wait inside for a while as I waited to be let out.
As I was walking through the terminal again I had that movie scene thing run through my head, only this time it felt like a theatre instead. I felt distanced from the crowd of people around me and was only aware of myself walking, still listening to that song I had now been playing over and over and over. It's a strange feeling when that happens. You're this teeny dot in the universe and everyone is going about their business around you, as if they are only props that God put there to make the scene look interesting.
I exited the terminal and got in a cab, and literally drove off into the sunset.
It felt weird walking into the house, like the moment you walk out of a theatre. The emotions that arose while watching begin to wane as your eyes adjust to the difference in the light and reality.
******************************
Here is what I was listening to.
Bittersweet Sympony - The Verve
(Seriously one of the prettiest songs ever.)
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the veins meet yeah,
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now
No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
Where all the things meet, yeah
You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
No, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you ever been down?
Man, I love the sound of those violins.
xoxo, Me
Friday, April 9, 2010
A pondering of the times ahead.
I've been feeling kind of here nor there the last couple days. But I've been noticing a few things that have been indicating a definite change of sorts. Positive change. I think at some pace or another, a paradigm shift is moving around in my brain. Kind of like tectonic plates. Little earthquakes happen here and there, but things are definitely always on the move to a new place.
I've been having a much better outlook on most things, and in fact I've noticed something at home. I'm the one making positive suggestions. I'm the one trying to find a way to do something instead of a bunch of ways to do nothing. It feels kind of weird and out of place for me, but once I became aware of it, I was proud of it. This is definitely going to be an interesting year for me. An interesting, eventful year.
I'm really looking forward to being in Vancouver and getting some extra work somewhere once I'm there. I really want to save some money so I can take driving lessons already. It's been nagging at me for a long time. I gotta just do it. That's one thing I need to do this year. I keep seeing bikes I want to buy but don't have any money for yet. :(
I keep thinking that there's always more to do. Always have to be more, try more things. It's been like that lately, I feel like something has been culminating in me somewhere and I have to explore with it and let things do what they will. I've been the same person for so long, I figured I'd always be. I've let comfort take over me and got myself into being habitual, which is something I never really wanted for myself when I was younger but it happened anyway.
I normally hated change for a lot of things. There are probably a lot of situations in which I still do. But lately I've grown more fond of it, and at this moment it feels like literally anything can happen. It's scary in a way. But maybe a good kind of scary. I don't really know. Like I keep saying, I don't think I'm going to solve most of these mysteries until they just happen.
I've had a couple of dreams as of late of people I used to love, and wonder what it means. Why they specifically are trying to bring messages to me. Maybe it's all these weird new feelings reminding me of all those old, at the time new weird feelings. Excitement. Happy, but confused. Wandering around in my own head. Always wondering (no that wasn't a typo), and trying to figure people out. Thinking, thinking, thinking. So much thinking, all the time. Dumb mental processes. It's time I quieted them for a while and let my heart take back some ownership of my decision making.
In some instances, my brain automatically wants to tell me whether or not it thinks something is practical. Now that I've realized why it's doing that, I've become more conscious of it. And every time I hear the word now, I shudder a little.
My emotions still flutter back and forth. It's not something that's going to just stop anytime soon I don't think. In any case, I think the next few months are going to entail a lot of discovery. About myself, and others. There are things I need to figure out. There is always something, it seems. But this time it feels ultimately bigger. As if it will be particularly life altering or something. I don't know. We'll have to see.
I've been having a much better outlook on most things, and in fact I've noticed something at home. I'm the one making positive suggestions. I'm the one trying to find a way to do something instead of a bunch of ways to do nothing. It feels kind of weird and out of place for me, but once I became aware of it, I was proud of it. This is definitely going to be an interesting year for me. An interesting, eventful year.
I'm really looking forward to being in Vancouver and getting some extra work somewhere once I'm there. I really want to save some money so I can take driving lessons already. It's been nagging at me for a long time. I gotta just do it. That's one thing I need to do this year. I keep seeing bikes I want to buy but don't have any money for yet. :(
I keep thinking that there's always more to do. Always have to be more, try more things. It's been like that lately, I feel like something has been culminating in me somewhere and I have to explore with it and let things do what they will. I've been the same person for so long, I figured I'd always be. I've let comfort take over me and got myself into being habitual, which is something I never really wanted for myself when I was younger but it happened anyway.
I normally hated change for a lot of things. There are probably a lot of situations in which I still do. But lately I've grown more fond of it, and at this moment it feels like literally anything can happen. It's scary in a way. But maybe a good kind of scary. I don't really know. Like I keep saying, I don't think I'm going to solve most of these mysteries until they just happen.
I've had a couple of dreams as of late of people I used to love, and wonder what it means. Why they specifically are trying to bring messages to me. Maybe it's all these weird new feelings reminding me of all those old, at the time new weird feelings. Excitement. Happy, but confused. Wandering around in my own head. Always wondering (no that wasn't a typo), and trying to figure people out. Thinking, thinking, thinking. So much thinking, all the time. Dumb mental processes. It's time I quieted them for a while and let my heart take back some ownership of my decision making.
In some instances, my brain automatically wants to tell me whether or not it thinks something is practical. Now that I've realized why it's doing that, I've become more conscious of it. And every time I hear the word now, I shudder a little.
My emotions still flutter back and forth. It's not something that's going to just stop anytime soon I don't think. In any case, I think the next few months are going to entail a lot of discovery. About myself, and others. There are things I need to figure out. There is always something, it seems. But this time it feels ultimately bigger. As if it will be particularly life altering or something. I don't know. We'll have to see.
I heart my friends.
Oh noes, I missed a day writing somthing. Kinda. Missed in the sense that between 12:00am and 11:59pm yesterday I didn't write anything. But technically to me, yesterday is still today, since I haven't gone to bed yet.
Kiki wasn't feeling well so my mission of the day was to go get some stuff for her. I originally started off the afternoon doing my schoolwork but then got bored and was like, fuck this boring shit, helping my friend is more important anyway.
When I got to Charlie Brown's I saw Logan for the first time in like, ever. I think I last ran into him at least a year ago. I don't remember. I told him a super brief summary of what was currently going on and that's all there was time for. It totally made me miss visiting there though. I'm going to have to stop by the store sometime and have a more decent chat with him.
Anyway, I decided to spend the evening at Kiki's and just chilled out with people, which was nice because I haven't done that in a while. It seems all I am doing lately is just being stuck in my house and worrying about junk. Ohhhhh, so much junk.
It made me miss being able to just hang out with people and chat about the goings on, especially girly talks, and I ended up deciding to chat with her about some of the stuff that's been bothering me lately. I ended up doing 95% of the talking (oops), but it felt nice to do, and in fact a bit relieving. But now that I've got some important things off my chest I can probably make a point to be more of a listener next time around. :P
Sometimes I forget how useful other people's perspectives on things can be. I get used to hearing from the same voices so often (usually the ones in my head), that it ends up being the only way I see things without me even realizing it. It's nice to be reassured that you're not crazy. And with the way my brain works it often forgets that, so I think the more often I can be reminded, the better. This is where I'm glad to have all of my steady friends, and one of the many reasons why I will miss them when I go to Van.
I just want to say that I love all of my friends dearly and I am so glad that I have each one of you in my life. I'm sure I've tried the patience of even the most laid-back of people, even once, or perhaps many times. I know I can be difficult to deal with or understand sometimes. I know that I can be annoying as all hell too, and quite good at it. So thank you for acknowledging all of that and still being there for me anyway. :) <3
Kiki wasn't feeling well so my mission of the day was to go get some stuff for her. I originally started off the afternoon doing my schoolwork but then got bored and was like, fuck this boring shit, helping my friend is more important anyway.
When I got to Charlie Brown's I saw Logan for the first time in like, ever. I think I last ran into him at least a year ago. I don't remember. I told him a super brief summary of what was currently going on and that's all there was time for. It totally made me miss visiting there though. I'm going to have to stop by the store sometime and have a more decent chat with him.
Anyway, I decided to spend the evening at Kiki's and just chilled out with people, which was nice because I haven't done that in a while. It seems all I am doing lately is just being stuck in my house and worrying about junk. Ohhhhh, so much junk.
It made me miss being able to just hang out with people and chat about the goings on, especially girly talks, and I ended up deciding to chat with her about some of the stuff that's been bothering me lately. I ended up doing 95% of the talking (oops), but it felt nice to do, and in fact a bit relieving. But now that I've got some important things off my chest I can probably make a point to be more of a listener next time around. :P
Sometimes I forget how useful other people's perspectives on things can be. I get used to hearing from the same voices so often (usually the ones in my head), that it ends up being the only way I see things without me even realizing it. It's nice to be reassured that you're not crazy. And with the way my brain works it often forgets that, so I think the more often I can be reminded, the better. This is where I'm glad to have all of my steady friends, and one of the many reasons why I will miss them when I go to Van.
I just want to say that I love all of my friends dearly and I am so glad that I have each one of you in my life. I'm sure I've tried the patience of even the most laid-back of people, even once, or perhaps many times. I know I can be difficult to deal with or understand sometimes. I know that I can be annoying as all hell too, and quite good at it. So thank you for acknowledging all of that and still being there for me anyway. :) <3
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
It's time I destroyed what's been gnawing on my aspirations for all of these years.
So I actually started thinking recently that perhaps instead of an expensive, 10 year school venture to become a Naturopathic Doctor, that perhaps I would look into my original life passions that have been long lost: music and performing.
It has always been a love of mine, but impractical careers, and even post-secondary of any kind was discouraged to me growing up, so I had to stop thinking about school completely. Now that I've been breaking into the idea of actually going and doing what I love, I am thinking about catching up on some things I've lost. Unfortunately, not starting things when I was younger is going to make doing things when I'm older a lot more difficult.
I often defend why my mother took the standpoint that she did, but I am realizing more and more just how impressionable I was when I was younger. Her negativity stemmed from fear and protection of the only thing she had left, among other things; I knew that. I hated it when I was around it though, and often wondered why simple answers to things never worked. There was always a reason why something couldn't be.
I don't know if it was before or after she passed away that I thought about it, but I realized at one point that pretty much everything I believed at the time is what my mom's opinions were. When I was younger I thought I had pretty independent thoughts, and in fact was aware of a couple of things (key words: "a couple") that I disagreed with her upon. What I didn't realize is what little control I actually had, or practiced, on my own mind, and how brainwashed I actually was.
More and more as time goes on, I realize the negativity was like a poison to me, that, now four years after her passing, is still deeply rooted in my head and feeds on my hopes and dreams and happiness. And it has caused damage that had never even occurred to me would happen before, damage to the past, and an even scarier thought, to the future. I always knew that how your parents raised you affects the rest of your life, and as a teen, it made me angry at my mom because I felt I was doomed to be fucked up because of how she was and I resented it. The thing was, I was afraid of it being true, so I chalked it up to teen angst that just wanted someone to blame my problems on. I didn't even start to think about the details of it though. Or at least didn't foresee them.
I feel like I have been programmed to act the way I do now, and desperately want to be rewired. Since I got used to living the way I did with my mom, I figured it was normal and the way that made the most sense. It's not a subject that comes up that often with people, so I've just gone about my business being the way I am. I figured I was just being sensible...that's normal, right? Well, not as much as I thought it was. I suppose I've always known this, but it takes on a whole other demention when someone else says it to you. When it's your own thoughts, it's easier to ignore and pass off as yourself being silly. But when it comes from the outside, it gives you something to think about.
Take a recent conversation I had (or many, but for simplicity's sake we'll just pretend we're referring to "a" conversation), which clearly demonstrates this "negativity virus" controlling my brain. I say it that way because the more aware of it I become, the more it seems like an entirely separate entity to me that brainwashes me and tells me what to do and say without me even being conscious of it. Anyway, I was having what I thought was a normal conversation, talking about things I was planning and wanting to do and whatnot. It was generally positive, and then almost as an involuntary response, my brain made me start talking about everything negative in my way and all the things that stood in the way of my plans. Just like my mom always did.
I wasn't even aware of myself doing it until I was called out on it. At first I was hurt, because I thought I was just telling it like it is. I didn't feel like I was being negative, I figured I was just mentioning the things I needed to do in order to get to what I wanted to do, and that it made sense to mention them while I was discussing the topic. For a short time after that day, I was confused as to why I wasn't that well understood.
Like I said before, I was always aware that I was the way I was, only I didn't fully understand the seriousness of it. But when I look at negativity as a separate entity to myself, it helps me see the outside looking in point of view that I was being told about. I look back on that conversation and realize that I was doing something without even being aware of it, and now that I see what it is, I don't quite know why I defended myself so much. Then, and other times. It just doesn't make sense now. But I'm glad to have reached a point where I could notice it.
But I originally opened this post to talk about music, which unfortunately is going to involve me talking about something that's standing in my way. I know it defies the point of what I was just talking about, but it relates to other things I mentioned, so I want to talk about it anyway.
As I mentioned, I want to do what I really love and am passionate about. Despite being a shy kid, that has always involved performing, especially for music. I decided to take a gander into what getting into music school would entail. I knew before, but forgot that pretty much no one except the talented can even get into these things. It makes no sense. Many other university level studies are offered for leisure, why not music? I don't get it.
And then it brought on a horrible memory. Something that I got upset at my mom for at the time, but was also my own fault. Recently while chatting with Jane from the music store, I started thinking of a memory of when I was in grade 6 and got the opportunity to participate in a city-wide project and sing Beethoven's 9th (my favourite composer AND favourite symphony) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. Nothing I have ever done since has made me feel so much joy as when singing with that choir, sounding like angels, with a big, loud, beautiful orchestra playing with us. It was an exhilarating feeling I have no words to describe.
I got a similar rush when I was in band in junior high. One of the most fantastic things I ever got to do was play the William Tell Overture. Most people remember that piece as a cheesy score often used in Western-themed shows and such. But by God, playing that was the most fun I ever had in band. I loved being able to play. I loved the clarinet and was good at it. When I was in elementary school I gave up recorder club to be able to go out and play with my friends at lunchtime, and a part of me always regretted that. So it felt good to be a part of music again.
But I only got to enjoy it for one year. We couldn't afford the instrument rentals. We were offered a cheaper rate by the school, but still couldn't do it. At least as far as I remember. When it came time to register for band for grade 8, my mom told me that I would have to switch to art instead (At our jr. high you had an elective to choose between art and band class. Usually the dumb kids picked art).
She had also been concerned about me having breath control issues, which I'm not sure if it stemmed from motherly protection of a child that had a history of bronchitis, or the fact that I practiced quietly while at home which she had questioned me about. I did actually practice quietly, but there were also a lot of times that I didn't practice and she noticed. And got mad. True, I did sometimes struggle with getting enough air in my lungs to play or being out of breath, and though it got cumulatively tiresome after a lot of practice, I didn't consider it an issue. What I did use it for though, was something to say when my mom got mad at me when she started suspecting I wasn't playing as much as I said I did. At least I think I would have said something like that. I said a lot of things to protect my ass back then. (Reason #1 why this is my fault.)
So along with the "we can't afford this" reason, she also told me to tell the school I was having problems with being short of breath. I was really saddened by this. I had to bring the message to my teacher to let them know. I think there were a few back and forth messages between the school and my mom, but this one day I had to give the final notice. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I know that at one point someone offered to give me the instrument rental for less, and I had to keep telling them we couldn't afford it. I think at one point they said they'd look into doing it for free. My memory is really fuzzy on this. I don't remember if I told my mom and she said no anyway, or if I assumed that she wouldn't want any more trouble from the school and so I endorsed the "it's hard for me to breathe" thing to them. (Reason #2 why this is my fault.) Very reluctantly, they took me out of the program.
After talking to Jane and thinking about the enjoyment I got out of being involved in music, I decided to look up school prerequisites out of curiosity today. I expressed my annoyance at the requirements with Owen. I was like, geez. I said something to the effect of, "All I need is grade 12 sciences to get into a program to be a doctor, but I need to be a fucking prodigy to study music?" Among other things, he said, well yeah, but just like you need biology to get into being a doctor, you need at least the same equivalent for music school, and you don't have high school level for that. He said a bunch of other practical things that discouraged and annoyed me, which I won't get into, but at the same time he had a point.
If I had kept at band for the rest of junior high, I might have continued it in high school. (Then again, there were other things I didn't take in high school because I tried to avoid being in classes with kids that would pick on me--probably also reason #3--but this is just hypothetical.) If I had high school music, I'm not sure, but I might have maybe enough experience and/or knowledge to apply to post-secondary music school. Or at least the inspiration to get more experience.
This brings me back to the whole virus thing. The fear of getting in trouble (and thus exaggerating things) and the ingrained idea that I would never be able to afford anything ("It's a viscious cycle that you'll never get out of. Once a welfare kid, always a welfare kid" was something to the effect of what I heard a lot in my house), or do anything creative in my life ("What are you going to to, spend thousands of dollars on an arts degree that you can't get a practical job out of? Artists don't make money." or, "You're not talented anyway. So what you're good at school. You get good grades because you work hard at it, not because it's natural. You spend hours on your homework."), has caused a problem for me, up to 12 years after the fact. Who would have foreseen that in grade 7? By the way, those quotes are approximate, but roughly how I perceived them. I never even said I wanted an arts degree. It was just something I remember her saying.
And I'm not even really saying that going to music or performing school is for sure something I want to do now. But looking that stuff up today, and being discouraged by "practicality" again, just made me think of all this junk. And then I start writing, and tangent after tangent happens. And here I'm talking about being less negative. Sheesh. But I do know I'm one step closer to improvement now. Being acutely aware of the issue is the first step to getting rid of it. Hopefully ranting about things on the internet is another, otherwise I've been wasting a crapload of my time. :P
Oh well. It's still good to write again. It has been helping, in some way or another. I think. Yeah. I dunno, I'm tired now.
It has always been a love of mine, but impractical careers, and even post-secondary of any kind was discouraged to me growing up, so I had to stop thinking about school completely. Now that I've been breaking into the idea of actually going and doing what I love, I am thinking about catching up on some things I've lost. Unfortunately, not starting things when I was younger is going to make doing things when I'm older a lot more difficult.
I often defend why my mother took the standpoint that she did, but I am realizing more and more just how impressionable I was when I was younger. Her negativity stemmed from fear and protection of the only thing she had left, among other things; I knew that. I hated it when I was around it though, and often wondered why simple answers to things never worked. There was always a reason why something couldn't be.
I don't know if it was before or after she passed away that I thought about it, but I realized at one point that pretty much everything I believed at the time is what my mom's opinions were. When I was younger I thought I had pretty independent thoughts, and in fact was aware of a couple of things (key words: "a couple") that I disagreed with her upon. What I didn't realize is what little control I actually had, or practiced, on my own mind, and how brainwashed I actually was.
More and more as time goes on, I realize the negativity was like a poison to me, that, now four years after her passing, is still deeply rooted in my head and feeds on my hopes and dreams and happiness. And it has caused damage that had never even occurred to me would happen before, damage to the past, and an even scarier thought, to the future. I always knew that how your parents raised you affects the rest of your life, and as a teen, it made me angry at my mom because I felt I was doomed to be fucked up because of how she was and I resented it. The thing was, I was afraid of it being true, so I chalked it up to teen angst that just wanted someone to blame my problems on. I didn't even start to think about the details of it though. Or at least didn't foresee them.
I feel like I have been programmed to act the way I do now, and desperately want to be rewired. Since I got used to living the way I did with my mom, I figured it was normal and the way that made the most sense. It's not a subject that comes up that often with people, so I've just gone about my business being the way I am. I figured I was just being sensible...that's normal, right? Well, not as much as I thought it was. I suppose I've always known this, but it takes on a whole other demention when someone else says it to you. When it's your own thoughts, it's easier to ignore and pass off as yourself being silly. But when it comes from the outside, it gives you something to think about.
Take a recent conversation I had (or many, but for simplicity's sake we'll just pretend we're referring to "a" conversation), which clearly demonstrates this "negativity virus" controlling my brain. I say it that way because the more aware of it I become, the more it seems like an entirely separate entity to me that brainwashes me and tells me what to do and say without me even being conscious of it. Anyway, I was having what I thought was a normal conversation, talking about things I was planning and wanting to do and whatnot. It was generally positive, and then almost as an involuntary response, my brain made me start talking about everything negative in my way and all the things that stood in the way of my plans. Just like my mom always did.
I wasn't even aware of myself doing it until I was called out on it. At first I was hurt, because I thought I was just telling it like it is. I didn't feel like I was being negative, I figured I was just mentioning the things I needed to do in order to get to what I wanted to do, and that it made sense to mention them while I was discussing the topic. For a short time after that day, I was confused as to why I wasn't that well understood.
Like I said before, I was always aware that I was the way I was, only I didn't fully understand the seriousness of it. But when I look at negativity as a separate entity to myself, it helps me see the outside looking in point of view that I was being told about. I look back on that conversation and realize that I was doing something without even being aware of it, and now that I see what it is, I don't quite know why I defended myself so much. Then, and other times. It just doesn't make sense now. But I'm glad to have reached a point where I could notice it.
But I originally opened this post to talk about music, which unfortunately is going to involve me talking about something that's standing in my way. I know it defies the point of what I was just talking about, but it relates to other things I mentioned, so I want to talk about it anyway.
As I mentioned, I want to do what I really love and am passionate about. Despite being a shy kid, that has always involved performing, especially for music. I decided to take a gander into what getting into music school would entail. I knew before, but forgot that pretty much no one except the talented can even get into these things. It makes no sense. Many other university level studies are offered for leisure, why not music? I don't get it.
And then it brought on a horrible memory. Something that I got upset at my mom for at the time, but was also my own fault. Recently while chatting with Jane from the music store, I started thinking of a memory of when I was in grade 6 and got the opportunity to participate in a city-wide project and sing Beethoven's 9th (my favourite composer AND favourite symphony) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. Nothing I have ever done since has made me feel so much joy as when singing with that choir, sounding like angels, with a big, loud, beautiful orchestra playing with us. It was an exhilarating feeling I have no words to describe.
I got a similar rush when I was in band in junior high. One of the most fantastic things I ever got to do was play the William Tell Overture. Most people remember that piece as a cheesy score often used in Western-themed shows and such. But by God, playing that was the most fun I ever had in band. I loved being able to play. I loved the clarinet and was good at it. When I was in elementary school I gave up recorder club to be able to go out and play with my friends at lunchtime, and a part of me always regretted that. So it felt good to be a part of music again.
But I only got to enjoy it for one year. We couldn't afford the instrument rentals. We were offered a cheaper rate by the school, but still couldn't do it. At least as far as I remember. When it came time to register for band for grade 8, my mom told me that I would have to switch to art instead (At our jr. high you had an elective to choose between art and band class. Usually the dumb kids picked art).
She had also been concerned about me having breath control issues, which I'm not sure if it stemmed from motherly protection of a child that had a history of bronchitis, or the fact that I practiced quietly while at home which she had questioned me about. I did actually practice quietly, but there were also a lot of times that I didn't practice and she noticed. And got mad. True, I did sometimes struggle with getting enough air in my lungs to play or being out of breath, and though it got cumulatively tiresome after a lot of practice, I didn't consider it an issue. What I did use it for though, was something to say when my mom got mad at me when she started suspecting I wasn't playing as much as I said I did. At least I think I would have said something like that. I said a lot of things to protect my ass back then. (Reason #1 why this is my fault.)
So along with the "we can't afford this" reason, she also told me to tell the school I was having problems with being short of breath. I was really saddened by this. I had to bring the message to my teacher to let them know. I think there were a few back and forth messages between the school and my mom, but this one day I had to give the final notice. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I know that at one point someone offered to give me the instrument rental for less, and I had to keep telling them we couldn't afford it. I think at one point they said they'd look into doing it for free. My memory is really fuzzy on this. I don't remember if I told my mom and she said no anyway, or if I assumed that she wouldn't want any more trouble from the school and so I endorsed the "it's hard for me to breathe" thing to them. (Reason #2 why this is my fault.) Very reluctantly, they took me out of the program.
After talking to Jane and thinking about the enjoyment I got out of being involved in music, I decided to look up school prerequisites out of curiosity today. I expressed my annoyance at the requirements with Owen. I was like, geez. I said something to the effect of, "All I need is grade 12 sciences to get into a program to be a doctor, but I need to be a fucking prodigy to study music?" Among other things, he said, well yeah, but just like you need biology to get into being a doctor, you need at least the same equivalent for music school, and you don't have high school level for that. He said a bunch of other practical things that discouraged and annoyed me, which I won't get into, but at the same time he had a point.
If I had kept at band for the rest of junior high, I might have continued it in high school. (Then again, there were other things I didn't take in high school because I tried to avoid being in classes with kids that would pick on me--probably also reason #3--but this is just hypothetical.) If I had high school music, I'm not sure, but I might have maybe enough experience and/or knowledge to apply to post-secondary music school. Or at least the inspiration to get more experience.
This brings me back to the whole virus thing. The fear of getting in trouble (and thus exaggerating things) and the ingrained idea that I would never be able to afford anything ("It's a viscious cycle that you'll never get out of. Once a welfare kid, always a welfare kid" was something to the effect of what I heard a lot in my house), or do anything creative in my life ("What are you going to to, spend thousands of dollars on an arts degree that you can't get a practical job out of? Artists don't make money." or, "You're not talented anyway. So what you're good at school. You get good grades because you work hard at it, not because it's natural. You spend hours on your homework."), has caused a problem for me, up to 12 years after the fact. Who would have foreseen that in grade 7? By the way, those quotes are approximate, but roughly how I perceived them. I never even said I wanted an arts degree. It was just something I remember her saying.
And I'm not even really saying that going to music or performing school is for sure something I want to do now. But looking that stuff up today, and being discouraged by "practicality" again, just made me think of all this junk. And then I start writing, and tangent after tangent happens. And here I'm talking about being less negative. Sheesh. But I do know I'm one step closer to improvement now. Being acutely aware of the issue is the first step to getting rid of it. Hopefully ranting about things on the internet is another, otherwise I've been wasting a crapload of my time. :P
Oh well. It's still good to write again. It has been helping, in some way or another. I think. Yeah. I dunno, I'm tired now.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
That song.
As much as I'd like to write songs as epic as Billie Joe Armstrong does, for some reason my pen seems to resort to the same thing every time I write one: that of a frustrated or confused heart. Okay, yes, I used to write a shitload of parodies, but those don't count. Looking back on all my songwriting, with the exception of a corny attempt at a punk-sounding song, the very first song I wrote which was an even more corny attempt at a dance song (what was I thinking?), and some kind of awkward "discovering myself" themed thing I wrote when I was 14 (that I don't even properly remember what I wrote it for), all of my music has been about heartbreak in some way, shape or form.
Inspiration can come from many sources, but for some reason, I tend to get the most musical when I'm in some sort of turmoil. Ridiculous, really, because I use music generally to bring about happiness. I wrote more songs in 2005 than in the 10 years before that combined. Granted, it was the least I could do while stuck at home, but still. During a span of a couple years (or was it a few, I don't remember), I was in love with three different people, mostly at the same time, and therefore wickedly confused by the entire matter. That year was the pinnacle of it, and it spawned some of my best, and also worst songs.
There's one song that I wrote while at a particularly low point. Actually, what am I talking about. The year 2005 was when I turned 20, and that was one of the most depressing years ever, when I realized that I was already in my 20s and the closest thing I'd ever experienced to having someone seem to like me was a creepy dude in his 40s hitting on me when I was 19. Little did I know that someone I knew actually did like me, which I found out years after the fact. So at the time, it was depressing. Even though I'd liked how I looked when I was younger, I now found myself very unattractive, and didn't think I had anything to offer anybody because I was just an awkward geek. Not to mention that I thought my mother would probably prevent me from seeing anybody even if I did have an opportunity (Looking back, I don't think she would have...actually, I don't really know, but at the time it seemed like a likely situation) At a certain point in time, I honestly believed I would die an old maid.
Anyway, there was this song that I wrote on a night that I was feeling particularly sad. I was feeling quite lost for whatever reason, I think mom was probably mad at me that day too, and I had also been thinking a lot about one of the three above mentioned guys (I often went through phases where I thought of one more than the others for a period of time). Not all of the song came out in one night, in fact I wrote it on three separate occasions over the course of about a week. This was weird for me, as usually I started and finished a song on the same day. It was like it was so difficult for me to deal with what I was feeling that I had a writer's block from it. I really don't know.
All I remember is feeling like crap, and I laid in bed with thoughts of the one who at the time I couldn't get out of my head. It was consoling, yet depressing. I like daydreaming about love (seriously, who doesn't), but at the time it seemed so unattainable...what with the ultra-low confidence I was having, and also other factors that I believed made this person hard to keep in my life. It was these musings that inpired me to write this song. Did I mention this was the person that I also later found out liked me? Oh, the irony.
Even though it is probably one of the most depressing songs I ever wrote, I find myself singing it at random times, especially when I'm really upset about something, and out of all the songs I have, it's probably the one I remember the most often. I started singing it tonight, and that's what inspired this post. I get confused and frustrated a lot. I don't know why, and I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. All the writing I've been doing the past couple of days is kind of unearthing all of these memories of old fears of mine and relating them to current situations.
When I sit by myself in the dead of the night, a plethora of feelings and thoughts float about inside me. They're usually a culmination of the day's positive and negative thoughts and experiences, only they're more mellowed out by this time of day, but with no other distractions around me, they seem to feel more intense. It's one of those alone in the universe kind of feelings (that totally just made me think of the David Usher song, which I just paused to listen to a part of). And then with all of that in my head, I start singing this song.
Don't Know (written July 2005)
What do you do when you're alone in a room
And there is nothing but time that wears away at your mind
You know there's nothing to say, the words have all gone astray
And I just lie in my bed, with only you in my head
Tell me what would you do with me
Tell me what would you do without me
And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
Until you let me know
To see a lone aching heart can tear your own all apart
But sometimes people get jaded, makes things so complicated
Seems like everyone's waiting for some kind of big moment
Everyone's chasing what they want and they don't get
And you're lying when you say that you still want to be free
'Cause you're dying to be captured and throw away the key
And you're wandering out there alone
Trying to find something to call your own
But you don't, you don't, you don't know where to go
And you don't know what you're supposed to find
All you remember is what you've left behind
No, no, you don't know where to go
You've gotta let me know
What are you thinking when you're looking at me
If you could look through my eyes, what do you think you would see
And if you just had the words, do you know what you would say
And when the sun goes down, do you remember my name
Tell me where would I go with you
Tell me where would I go without you
And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
You gotta let me know
You gotta let me know
I remember exactly what it was originally about, but it seems like it somehow creeps its way into my head whenever I have a lot to think about. It is definitely a memorable song to me. I can't think of the proper word to explain what it evokes. But it is both beautiful and scary at the same time.
Inspiration can come from many sources, but for some reason, I tend to get the most musical when I'm in some sort of turmoil. Ridiculous, really, because I use music generally to bring about happiness. I wrote more songs in 2005 than in the 10 years before that combined. Granted, it was the least I could do while stuck at home, but still. During a span of a couple years (or was it a few, I don't remember), I was in love with three different people, mostly at the same time, and therefore wickedly confused by the entire matter. That year was the pinnacle of it, and it spawned some of my best, and also worst songs.
There's one song that I wrote while at a particularly low point. Actually, what am I talking about. The year 2005 was when I turned 20, and that was one of the most depressing years ever, when I realized that I was already in my 20s and the closest thing I'd ever experienced to having someone seem to like me was a creepy dude in his 40s hitting on me when I was 19. Little did I know that someone I knew actually did like me, which I found out years after the fact. So at the time, it was depressing. Even though I'd liked how I looked when I was younger, I now found myself very unattractive, and didn't think I had anything to offer anybody because I was just an awkward geek. Not to mention that I thought my mother would probably prevent me from seeing anybody even if I did have an opportunity (Looking back, I don't think she would have...actually, I don't really know, but at the time it seemed like a likely situation) At a certain point in time, I honestly believed I would die an old maid.
Anyway, there was this song that I wrote on a night that I was feeling particularly sad. I was feeling quite lost for whatever reason, I think mom was probably mad at me that day too, and I had also been thinking a lot about one of the three above mentioned guys (I often went through phases where I thought of one more than the others for a period of time). Not all of the song came out in one night, in fact I wrote it on three separate occasions over the course of about a week. This was weird for me, as usually I started and finished a song on the same day. It was like it was so difficult for me to deal with what I was feeling that I had a writer's block from it. I really don't know.
All I remember is feeling like crap, and I laid in bed with thoughts of the one who at the time I couldn't get out of my head. It was consoling, yet depressing. I like daydreaming about love (seriously, who doesn't), but at the time it seemed so unattainable...what with the ultra-low confidence I was having, and also other factors that I believed made this person hard to keep in my life. It was these musings that inpired me to write this song. Did I mention this was the person that I also later found out liked me? Oh, the irony.
Even though it is probably one of the most depressing songs I ever wrote, I find myself singing it at random times, especially when I'm really upset about something, and out of all the songs I have, it's probably the one I remember the most often. I started singing it tonight, and that's what inspired this post. I get confused and frustrated a lot. I don't know why, and I don't do it on purpose, it just happens. All the writing I've been doing the past couple of days is kind of unearthing all of these memories of old fears of mine and relating them to current situations.
When I sit by myself in the dead of the night, a plethora of feelings and thoughts float about inside me. They're usually a culmination of the day's positive and negative thoughts and experiences, only they're more mellowed out by this time of day, but with no other distractions around me, they seem to feel more intense. It's one of those alone in the universe kind of feelings (that totally just made me think of the David Usher song, which I just paused to listen to a part of). And then with all of that in my head, I start singing this song.
Don't Know (written July 2005)
What do you do when you're alone in a room
And there is nothing but time that wears away at your mind
You know there's nothing to say, the words have all gone astray
And I just lie in my bed, with only you in my head
Tell me what would you do with me
Tell me what would you do without me
And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
Until you let me know
To see a lone aching heart can tear your own all apart
But sometimes people get jaded, makes things so complicated
Seems like everyone's waiting for some kind of big moment
Everyone's chasing what they want and they don't get
And you're lying when you say that you still want to be free
'Cause you're dying to be captured and throw away the key
And you're wandering out there alone
Trying to find something to call your own
But you don't, you don't, you don't know where to go
And you don't know what you're supposed to find
All you remember is what you've left behind
No, no, you don't know where to go
You've gotta let me know
What are you thinking when you're looking at me
If you could look through my eyes, what do you think you would see
And if you just had the words, do you know what you would say
And when the sun goes down, do you remember my name
Tell me where would I go with you
Tell me where would I go without you
And I'm wandering out here alone
Trying to find something to call my own
But I don't, I don't, I don't know where to go
And I don't know what I'm supposed to find
All I remember is what I've left behind
No, no, I don't know where to go
You gotta let me know
You gotta let me know
I remember exactly what it was originally about, but it seems like it somehow creeps its way into my head whenever I have a lot to think about. It is definitely a memorable song to me. I can't think of the proper word to explain what it evokes. But it is both beautiful and scary at the same time.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Blargh and such.
I don't know why so many days I get up and just panic when I think about starting work for the day. I mean, I work with such a great company who are doing a lot to help me out, but still it doesn't stop the anxiety.
Some days I wish I could just have a normal job, but then that has been pretty hard to come by these days. I've searched for things in Van, applied for a bunch of things, and got one "screening" call, but not a callback because I'm not officially over there yet. Maybe it will be easier once I am, but for now there's pretty much nothing else I can do.
It's weird, I don't really know what starts it, or what makes me so nervous about it. Maybe it's past experience, maybe it's some weird fear of people, or maybe it's something else entirely that has nothing to do with my job at all. I'm thinking it could be all of those things and probably something else that I'm not even thinking of, too.
Sleeping, or lack thereof, doesn't help either. Despite my attempts to fix my schedule I've had a couple of late nights. I went to bed at 1:00am yesterday, though I didn't pay attention to how long it took for me to fall asleep, though it must have been at least a couple hours because I know I was still awake at two-something. Since it gets so erratic sometimes I have to actually set my alarm so that I wake up with enough time before work. Bear in mind that I work at three in the afternoon today. Pretty scary I think. I got up at 1 o' clock this afternoon, and I still feel exhausted and sleep deprived. It doesn't make any sense.
The only thing I can think of is just a perpetual stress that never lets me rest properly. I suppose I'm used to it in a way, as it's been like this for probably 10-15 years now. Sometimes it gets relatively near normal, and sometimes it just wears me out. And then I wake up, not wanting to do anything but let my body take care of itself, and then I have to think about harassing people on the phone. I would have had short shifts today too, but I knew they were taking an hour off of the earlier shifts this week, so I purposely scheduled myself for a later time so that I would get my full hours. But now I'm feeling like I desperately want that hour back.
I wonder if I'll ever be in a position where I have nothing to worry about. It seems like such an elusive state of mind to me. But I suppose I just need to take care of one thing at a time to get there. It just gets difficult to see that far ahead sometimes I guess.
I think I might have had something else to add to this, but I got distracted doing something else and I now have only a few minutes before I gotta start work, so I have to leave it at this. If I think of anything else, I suppose I will just put it later. Here's hoping I don't have a panic freak-out again today. And hopefully by now they'll have organized that conference call they were planning to do with me a couple weeks ago...
Anyhoo. Tata for now.
xoxo,
Me
Some days I wish I could just have a normal job, but then that has been pretty hard to come by these days. I've searched for things in Van, applied for a bunch of things, and got one "screening" call, but not a callback because I'm not officially over there yet. Maybe it will be easier once I am, but for now there's pretty much nothing else I can do.
It's weird, I don't really know what starts it, or what makes me so nervous about it. Maybe it's past experience, maybe it's some weird fear of people, or maybe it's something else entirely that has nothing to do with my job at all. I'm thinking it could be all of those things and probably something else that I'm not even thinking of, too.
Sleeping, or lack thereof, doesn't help either. Despite my attempts to fix my schedule I've had a couple of late nights. I went to bed at 1:00am yesterday, though I didn't pay attention to how long it took for me to fall asleep, though it must have been at least a couple hours because I know I was still awake at two-something. Since it gets so erratic sometimes I have to actually set my alarm so that I wake up with enough time before work. Bear in mind that I work at three in the afternoon today. Pretty scary I think. I got up at 1 o' clock this afternoon, and I still feel exhausted and sleep deprived. It doesn't make any sense.
The only thing I can think of is just a perpetual stress that never lets me rest properly. I suppose I'm used to it in a way, as it's been like this for probably 10-15 years now. Sometimes it gets relatively near normal, and sometimes it just wears me out. And then I wake up, not wanting to do anything but let my body take care of itself, and then I have to think about harassing people on the phone. I would have had short shifts today too, but I knew they were taking an hour off of the earlier shifts this week, so I purposely scheduled myself for a later time so that I would get my full hours. But now I'm feeling like I desperately want that hour back.
I wonder if I'll ever be in a position where I have nothing to worry about. It seems like such an elusive state of mind to me. But I suppose I just need to take care of one thing at a time to get there. It just gets difficult to see that far ahead sometimes I guess.
I think I might have had something else to add to this, but I got distracted doing something else and I now have only a few minutes before I gotta start work, so I have to leave it at this. If I think of anything else, I suppose I will just put it later. Here's hoping I don't have a panic freak-out again today. And hopefully by now they'll have organized that conference call they were planning to do with me a couple weeks ago...
Anyhoo. Tata for now.
xoxo,
Me
Sunday, April 4, 2010
So many tangents, so little time. >_>
I've had a couple dreams recently about people I used to know, and kind of wonder what the message is about. I suppose I would have a better idea if I had more deep sleep, since then I would obviously dream more, and have a more accurate picture by now.
Every so often I remember certain dreams I've had in the past that stood out so monumentally, that I thought I might have known what they were about at the time, but were so strange that I can never stop wondering about them. More often than not I remember one with S. Even at the time I had that dream I never understood why I did. I understand that people can sometimes symbolize other people and things, but why it used him specifically to show me, I have no idea.
It makes me think that I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch with S, that perhaps there is some trait about him that I should be aware of that would make things make more sense. I suppose I will never know what it is. I guess it was another of those missed opportunities I was talking about last night.
It can be a painful thing sometimes, shyness. When you're talking to someone and you converse with them normally, yet almost involuntarily, because the only thing that you can actually hear in your head is yourself screaming out your feelings for them and your frustration with why you can't just come out and say it. It's like there's literally a wall between your brain and your mouth.
My memories of these dreams just reminded me of that.
And then it just brings me back to the current time. I feel like there's always something I'm not saying, or not saying right. I think it's partly due to not wanting to disappoint people, including myself. Of course as a result of that, misunderstandings happen. Despite that, there's still always a silly part of me that goes, well, why don't people get me? Yes, I realize that's ridiculous.
I'm off on this adventure, and I'm loving it, though I can't help feeling like somehow I am a disappointment. Like I should be there for people, like I always was. I always wanted to be something constant. The one you can always rely on. I still do. And I still am, as much as anyone would let me. But now that I want these other things, it feels like it's getting in the way of my ability to just love people and be content with what I have with them.
You know those paradox things that make robots explode? I'm feeling that now. Like, making people happy is what makes me happy. But I also want to do things for myself to add to that happiness. In my current case, leaving makes people less happy. Therefore, by this logic, I would be less happy. But the intent was to be more. Thus the paradox of two things that can't exist at once. If the opposite forces cancel each other out, how can I tell if anything even happened? Would the ensuing adventure still count as progress then? Sure, I'd have travelled physical miles, but would I gain equal, or even comparable distance internally? These are the things my stupid brain keeps me up at night about.
The other day I was telling Jane about my plans, and one of the things she said was, "I don't think I'd be able to be apart from (insert husband's name that I forget). But then again, we've been together for 27 years." It stung a little bit, because up until that point I hadn't thought about that much. But lately I've been feeling guilty about it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I'm worrying about that I forget to put my attention on what's at home. I know that's normal, but it still makes me feel like a bad person. I guess I don't really know how to properly explain myself on this.
Do you ever get that feeling where you have everything you said you wanted, but then still feel like something's not quite right, or that there's still something else? I think that's where I'm at, and where I have been for a few months. It's always been in my head in one way or another over the last few years, but only in a quieter way. I guess a part of my brain is rebelling to the routine I realized I've fallen into. I've always hated conformity. I ended up doing it out of necessity. The feisty part of me has always existed, though with all those aforementioned walls that keep getting built in my brain, it got tired out and then laid dormant. But now something has sparked it alive again. It's breaking itself out slowly, one brick at a time.
Lately it sounds like it's going nuts up there.
Every so often I remember certain dreams I've had in the past that stood out so monumentally, that I thought I might have known what they were about at the time, but were so strange that I can never stop wondering about them. More often than not I remember one with S. Even at the time I had that dream I never understood why I did. I understand that people can sometimes symbolize other people and things, but why it used him specifically to show me, I have no idea.
It makes me think that I should have made more of an effort to keep in touch with S, that perhaps there is some trait about him that I should be aware of that would make things make more sense. I suppose I will never know what it is. I guess it was another of those missed opportunities I was talking about last night.
It can be a painful thing sometimes, shyness. When you're talking to someone and you converse with them normally, yet almost involuntarily, because the only thing that you can actually hear in your head is yourself screaming out your feelings for them and your frustration with why you can't just come out and say it. It's like there's literally a wall between your brain and your mouth.
My memories of these dreams just reminded me of that.
And then it just brings me back to the current time. I feel like there's always something I'm not saying, or not saying right. I think it's partly due to not wanting to disappoint people, including myself. Of course as a result of that, misunderstandings happen. Despite that, there's still always a silly part of me that goes, well, why don't people get me? Yes, I realize that's ridiculous.
I'm off on this adventure, and I'm loving it, though I can't help feeling like somehow I am a disappointment. Like I should be there for people, like I always was. I always wanted to be something constant. The one you can always rely on. I still do. And I still am, as much as anyone would let me. But now that I want these other things, it feels like it's getting in the way of my ability to just love people and be content with what I have with them.
You know those paradox things that make robots explode? I'm feeling that now. Like, making people happy is what makes me happy. But I also want to do things for myself to add to that happiness. In my current case, leaving makes people less happy. Therefore, by this logic, I would be less happy. But the intent was to be more. Thus the paradox of two things that can't exist at once. If the opposite forces cancel each other out, how can I tell if anything even happened? Would the ensuing adventure still count as progress then? Sure, I'd have travelled physical miles, but would I gain equal, or even comparable distance internally? These are the things my stupid brain keeps me up at night about.
The other day I was telling Jane about my plans, and one of the things she said was, "I don't think I'd be able to be apart from (insert husband's name that I forget). But then again, we've been together for 27 years." It stung a little bit, because up until that point I hadn't thought about that much. But lately I've been feeling guilty about it. Sometimes I get so caught up in the things that I'm worrying about that I forget to put my attention on what's at home. I know that's normal, but it still makes me feel like a bad person. I guess I don't really know how to properly explain myself on this.
Do you ever get that feeling where you have everything you said you wanted, but then still feel like something's not quite right, or that there's still something else? I think that's where I'm at, and where I have been for a few months. It's always been in my head in one way or another over the last few years, but only in a quieter way. I guess a part of my brain is rebelling to the routine I realized I've fallen into. I've always hated conformity. I ended up doing it out of necessity. The feisty part of me has always existed, though with all those aforementioned walls that keep getting built in my brain, it got tired out and then laid dormant. But now something has sparked it alive again. It's breaking itself out slowly, one brick at a time.
Lately it sounds like it's going nuts up there.
Oh shit, I'm making a journal again. This might be bad.
Hey all,
I have no clue why I just made this, but I recently saw my sister's yoga blog posted on facebook a couple days ago, and some part of me said, hey, remember when you used to write journals? Of course I remember why I stopped, but I feel compelled to write stuff anyway.
I think I am just out of sorts. I've had a long day. It's just past 2:30 a.m. I am not very coherent at the moment, but I find myself caught in one of those middle of the night feelings...you know the ones. A blend of hope, fear, excitement, cynicism...all those strange mixed feelings that don't make sense to happen at the same time except for the fact of what time it is and how little control I have of my brain when I'm tired. Brought on by nostalgia of the past and eagerness to see what the future holds. 'Nostalgic about the future'...I totally should have named my blog that instead. Whatever. I've been after something different than usual, I think. Doing something different definitely creates a thrill...but I've been wondering if the thrill of uncertainty is really a thrill or just a gimmick my brain made up to get me to do something with my life for once. Then once I'm there, I'm screwed.
I am starting this thing, I think, because I'm at this weird point. And I don't just mean lack of sleep. I used to write when I was lonely, confused, or frustrated. The fact that I have the urge to write again only leads me to believe that either something big, or something scary is happening. I suppose it's both. I have decided to pack up a few of my things and head over to Vancouver to pursue dreams of a sort. What exactly, I don't know yet, but I suppose I'll find out when I get there. The past few months have brought about a variety of things in my head that led to this decision.
I'm crazy. I don't know why I have to love everything at once. I can't want two opposites at the same time, yet I do. I spend a fair amount of time trying to make one side or the other go away, but it usually just ends up nowhere. I'm trying to make a change away from the scared, quiet, passive recluse I used to be when I lived at home, but for some reason I have never felt more like I did back then than now. It sucks. A lot.
I find I'm wanting to hide myself from the world again. Perhaps not *wanting* to, but doing it out of necessity. I would say what I mean, if I really knew what I meant myself. I don't like feeling like I have secrets. I have never been like that. It just seems weird to start now.
I went and dropped some stuff off at my new place in Burnaby today. When I came back, I was tired, and wanted to nap but wasn't looking forward to being bored out of my skull for an hour and 40 minutes on the ferry. With all but $5 left to get home with, I got some dessert, and then sat down with some chamomile tea, and watched the sun slowly set. For some reason the warmth brought on the nostalgia portion of the day, and I imagined myself talking to an old friend.
For pretty much the rest of the ferry ride, I daydreamed myself through an imaginary conversation. Things I might say, five years later, because I never had a chance to before. I hate when people whisk in and out of your life like that, and you never get the chance to know them like you wanted to. Or when you wait for the right time to say something, and then time passes, and without even knowing it, you lose your chance. And even still, I find myself doing the very same things to people now. It's dumb, I know, but I guess there's a part of me that thinks the universe can do what it wants to do without having me as a catalyst in between things. But perhaps that's what it wants me to think. I don't know. I used to write songs about this crap all the time.
I watched No Place Like Home again today. Man, I love that video so much. The intro and outro songs always get me though. 'Twas another thing that made me feel all nostalgic and/or emotional today. I don't know why, it just always does. But man, do I love that opening song. Kinda reminded me of the situation at hand, in that wandering off into the sunset kind of way.
Yellow Brick Road
Lyrics by Jake Quilty-Dunn, Patrick Ryan, and Ryan Murphy
Early rise in the morning
And my breath is keeping me warm
Full moon fading to the east
And there's no escape from home
The rising dawn is your front door
When you call the world your home
And I'm walking down the yellow brick road.
I hate it when you say you love me
'Cause I don't know what you mean
And no one bothers asking
Why this darkness is in me
I don't need any friends now
'Cause they'll only do me harm
And now I'm talking to the yellow brick road.
Packing up my belongings
In my pockets and on my skin
I'll be leaving here tomorrow
Four sheets to the wind
I whisper as the wind blows
That there's no such things as home
And I'm leaving on a yellow brick road
Yeah, I'm leaving on a yellow brick road.
I had more to say, but my mind is shutting down now. I'll probably look at this tomorrow, and go wtf. But whatever.
Here's to a new adventure.
I have no clue why I just made this, but I recently saw my sister's yoga blog posted on facebook a couple days ago, and some part of me said, hey, remember when you used to write journals? Of course I remember why I stopped, but I feel compelled to write stuff anyway.
I think I am just out of sorts. I've had a long day. It's just past 2:30 a.m. I am not very coherent at the moment, but I find myself caught in one of those middle of the night feelings...you know the ones. A blend of hope, fear, excitement, cynicism...all those strange mixed feelings that don't make sense to happen at the same time except for the fact of what time it is and how little control I have of my brain when I'm tired. Brought on by nostalgia of the past and eagerness to see what the future holds. 'Nostalgic about the future'...I totally should have named my blog that instead. Whatever. I've been after something different than usual, I think. Doing something different definitely creates a thrill...but I've been wondering if the thrill of uncertainty is really a thrill or just a gimmick my brain made up to get me to do something with my life for once. Then once I'm there, I'm screwed.
I am starting this thing, I think, because I'm at this weird point. And I don't just mean lack of sleep. I used to write when I was lonely, confused, or frustrated. The fact that I have the urge to write again only leads me to believe that either something big, or something scary is happening. I suppose it's both. I have decided to pack up a few of my things and head over to Vancouver to pursue dreams of a sort. What exactly, I don't know yet, but I suppose I'll find out when I get there. The past few months have brought about a variety of things in my head that led to this decision.
I'm crazy. I don't know why I have to love everything at once. I can't want two opposites at the same time, yet I do. I spend a fair amount of time trying to make one side or the other go away, but it usually just ends up nowhere. I'm trying to make a change away from the scared, quiet, passive recluse I used to be when I lived at home, but for some reason I have never felt more like I did back then than now. It sucks. A lot.
I find I'm wanting to hide myself from the world again. Perhaps not *wanting* to, but doing it out of necessity. I would say what I mean, if I really knew what I meant myself. I don't like feeling like I have secrets. I have never been like that. It just seems weird to start now.
I went and dropped some stuff off at my new place in Burnaby today. When I came back, I was tired, and wanted to nap but wasn't looking forward to being bored out of my skull for an hour and 40 minutes on the ferry. With all but $5 left to get home with, I got some dessert, and then sat down with some chamomile tea, and watched the sun slowly set. For some reason the warmth brought on the nostalgia portion of the day, and I imagined myself talking to an old friend.
For pretty much the rest of the ferry ride, I daydreamed myself through an imaginary conversation. Things I might say, five years later, because I never had a chance to before. I hate when people whisk in and out of your life like that, and you never get the chance to know them like you wanted to. Or when you wait for the right time to say something, and then time passes, and without even knowing it, you lose your chance. And even still, I find myself doing the very same things to people now. It's dumb, I know, but I guess there's a part of me that thinks the universe can do what it wants to do without having me as a catalyst in between things. But perhaps that's what it wants me to think. I don't know. I used to write songs about this crap all the time.
I watched No Place Like Home again today. Man, I love that video so much. The intro and outro songs always get me though. 'Twas another thing that made me feel all nostalgic and/or emotional today. I don't know why, it just always does. But man, do I love that opening song. Kinda reminded me of the situation at hand, in that wandering off into the sunset kind of way.
Yellow Brick Road
Lyrics by Jake Quilty-Dunn, Patrick Ryan, and Ryan Murphy
Early rise in the morning
And my breath is keeping me warm
Full moon fading to the east
And there's no escape from home
The rising dawn is your front door
When you call the world your home
And I'm walking down the yellow brick road.
I hate it when you say you love me
'Cause I don't know what you mean
And no one bothers asking
Why this darkness is in me
I don't need any friends now
'Cause they'll only do me harm
And now I'm talking to the yellow brick road.
Packing up my belongings
In my pockets and on my skin
I'll be leaving here tomorrow
Four sheets to the wind
I whisper as the wind blows
That there's no such things as home
And I'm leaving on a yellow brick road
Yeah, I'm leaving on a yellow brick road.
I had more to say, but my mind is shutting down now. I'll probably look at this tomorrow, and go wtf. But whatever.
Here's to a new adventure.
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