The Toughest Step Is The First...And Sometimes The Second, Too

Sometimes I feel so much at once I wish I could just erupt like a volcano to get it all out at once instead of having to suffer through all of the slow, tedious processing time that being a human being requires.

I need some kind of backup system to help handle the output of all of my feels. Sometimes I wonder how all of this can fit into one person. So much emotional energy crammed into one tiny space. Why is everything always this intense?

***

I wrote those two paragraphs a couple of days ago when I originally intended to start this post, but just couldn't get any more words out because so much was going on inside my head due to various circumstances. Needless to say, there's been a lot going on. But I'm feeling a lot more collected now and so I decided to organize these thoughts so I could let people know what page of my adventure I'm on currently.

I decided I'm going to head back to Canada for a while. This was by no means an easy decision to make. I have been very happy with life in Chile and it saddens me to have to leave, but there were a few things that ultimately led to that decision. Some of this will be a quick recap from my last post.

I originally came here so that I could start working more on my own personal projects. In the time that I've been here, I was really able to take much needed time for myself and finally realized what my next steps needed to be. I had been thinking of taking a music business program for a long time and I finally decided that if I wanted to work on any of the business ideas that I had, that it would probably be necessary to finally bite the bullet and pursue that idea.

In the town that I live in, there's not a whole lot of opportunities for English speakers, and my Spanish is still a ways away from being proficient enough for business purposes. So, my main option would have been to move to Santiago to find work, where there is a much larger expat community. I hesitated on that though, because I already had all my friends in this area, and also I have not yet met a single person who says they like living in the city.

On top of that, even if I went there and got a job, it would mean I'd be in a contract for one or two years likely doing some kind of office job, and it would drastically take away from any time I would have to be creative. I have been working on some music here with a friend and I knew that even if I was able to visit I'd not be able to really focus on what I wanted. One of the main reasons I left Vancouver in the first place was because I was tired of doing the same thing I had been doing for ten years; I really didn't want to continue that pattern here.

"WHAT, YOU WANT A LIFE, TOO? SILLY HUMAN."

So, because of those reasons and just wanting to take care of some things back in Vancouver, I will be leaving this beautiful country in just two short weeks. I've been overwhelmed with things to think about and plan for, but mostly I've been overwhelmed with what I've been feeling. I want to stress that this was a very difficult decision to make. I've made friends here with some of the most genuine, wonderful humans I have ever met, and it really breaks my heart to leave them behind.

This post comes so late because every time I wanted to write something about it I just couldn't think of what to say. I guess I just didn't really want to write out every detail of things I was already going over in my head every day. As you might have noticed, I haven't made many updates during my time here because I really just wanted to live my life without social-media-tizing it. That meant even my close friends didn't often hear much of what I was up to. I kind of prefer it that way...I'd rather share things personally on a one-on-one basis with people who directly express interest, which is what I've been doing instead.

I don't know what the plan is for Canada yet and I don't think I will until I get things underway there. The plan -IS- definitely to come back to Chile as soon as I can, or if everyone I know here has left the country by that time, then I'll make travel plans for some other awesome shenanigans (Sheeyanigans). But even though I know that, it doesn't make leaving now any less difficult. Especially since I know there are a handful of faces I've crossd paths with here whom I might not have a chance of seeing for a long time, or maybe ever again in person. Such is the circumstances of living in a place where transient tourism is the norm. I have met fabulous souls from all over the world, and I hope to see them all again at some point, but the fact just is that I don't know when that may end up being.

A few of those faces, a small few, found themselves places deep in my heart and those are the ones I will definitely be sure to see again and continue raising hell with across the globe. You know who you are, and you can bet on that! I love you guys so much, and I will be writing you all more personal notes in the near future before I go. I'm going to have to have some tissue handy when I start on that one.

One final request for anyone meeting up with me back in Canada. Please do not:

- Feel "relieved" that I am back "home," or think it's better for me to be in Canada for any other ridiculous reason. I may care about you too, but I'm a grown-ass woman and my home is where I make it. I don't intend to stay in Canada for long periods of time from here on out, so please accept that without any small-minded opinions.

- Say dumb things to me, like, "They always come back," or "Life must have been challenging there," "You're probably relieved to be back," "You must have missed it here!" or anything else demonstrating cultural ignorance or a sense of superiority for north american life. Chile has been fucking rad, and yes, I still prefer it here to Canada, regardless of any advantages I may have in the not-so-great-and-not-even-white-North. And remember, I'm an anarchist, so the more you puff your chest about the country you live in (worse, while you make excuses for not wanting to step even your tippy-toe out of it) regardless of the reason, the more unimpressed I'll be and the less I'll want to tell you about any of my adventure.

LIKELY DEPICTION OF WHAT I WILL DO IF YOU IGNORE THIS REQUEST.

I think that should about cover it for now. I'll be trying to post other things as my last weeks unfold here. Until then, I invite you to chat with me personally if you're interested in more of the details of my stories.

Tata for now my sexy friends,

Sheeyan
xoxo

Destination Unknown

Alrighty my dear ones, I need your thoughts on something.

As you all should know by now, nearly eight months ago I left the eternally grey city of Vancouver to live in the Southern hemisphere in Viña del Mar, Chile. It has been hands down the most amazing experience of my life so far. If you want to read more about how I got here and what I've been up to, please check my last post here wherein I spill all the news and feels thus far.

A few months ago I decided not to stress too much about finding work down here and instead focus more on giving myself time to relax and process for once. That proved very fruitful. By doing so not only was I able to feel instantly better physically, mentally and emotionally, but also slowly but surely plans and ideas started to form inside my head naturally without trying to force anything.

The more time I spent, the more I was able to realize things I wanted for myself. I always used to worry about long term goals and would stress immensely about what short term plans I would need to carry out in order to get myself there and would always hit a wall when I realized that not only did I have no idea how to get there, but I had no clear idea of where I even wanted to go in the first place.

ME VERSUS MY BRAIN ON A REGULAR BASIS.

Over these past few months, I have discovered a few new things I definitely know I want to do now:

1) Work toward fluency in Spanish
2) Visit more of South America
3) Travel more in general
4) Pursue formal music education
5) Find some kind of work I don't mind that I can do from anywhere, or at least something I can do for a few months to alternate working in one place and travelling in another.

To elaborate on that fourth one. My main goal in leaving Vancouver was to start working on a way to support myself with artistic endeavours rather than the world of retail and service that I knew was slowly killing me. I have come up with several different thoughts on business ideas, but realized I can't really pursue most of them with a lack of a network and team, and specifically, industry skills.

Wanting a way to facilitate my own art and put myself ahead of the curve, I started thinking about pursuing a path of studying music business or production, which I have been seriously looking into recently. If I were to do that, I would have to go back and spend a lot of time (at least a year) in Vancouver.

The problem?

I fucking love this place now. I've felt so refreshed by my life in Chile. I've made some of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had since being here. I even have a solid band project for the first time in my life. Those that know me well know that one thing has always been at the top of the list for my personal goals. It would be very hard for me to have to leave all of this. Just the thought alone really depresses me.

There aren't too many options for English speakers in the region I live in, so I've considered going to Santiago, which is generally where most expats congregate for the same reasons. It's less than two hours away and I could still visit my friends here from there. The thing is, anything I would find for work would likely be some kind of office or service job.

I FEEL THAT THIS PHOTO IS PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY HERE.

I guess what I'm dealing with right now is just the dilemma of staying or going, and this is why I wanted to write this out for you guys. Either way I need to figure out a work situation soon, but I'm resisting making a decision because I love what I have here even though there are things I'll have to take care of in Vancouver at some point.

So much has happened in the past several months and it feels like it's been several years. I've grown and discovered more of myself, more about what I need to do in life. I don't really have much desire for North American life anymore...I mean really, what I do miss is the people, and not much else. Well, maybe some of the food. ;)

I'm writing this because I'm stalling. I tend to get indecisive for things like this, and the biggest reason is the people that I love here. Since I've been down here I've had to say several pretty big goodbyes to many people that mean a lot to me as they go home and/or continue on their own journey. I realized the other day that there are many faces I have had the pleasure of meeting while being here that I may never get to see in person ever again.

I have a feeling that just being overwhelmed by all of this is clouding my judgment. I know there are probably a bunch of more options that I haven't even thought of yet. This is where you, all of those whom I care about come in. See, sometimes I forget to listen to what I've been telling myself until someone else reminds me of what's been in the back of my mind the entire time. So tell me...what have I not seen yet? Or what am I not remembering?

KITTIES: THE CAUSE OF AND SOLUTION TO ALL OF MY DISTRACTION.

Where In The World Is Scarlett Catalyst?

I've always been what I suppose most people would call a 'hopeless romantic' type. I would like to argue however, that a new name should be coined for that. Personally, I prefer to think of myself as a hopeful romantic. Or rather, just an acting romantic. Let me explain. According to Myers-Briggs (popular personality typing system...google it if you care) I fall into the 'idealist' category and although to me that doesn't look obvious on the outside, once you understand my value in having passion and applying it to all aspects of your life, then that categorization is really quite on the nose.

Most of my life I was happy to stay in my safe and familiar bubble--well, not happy I suppose, rather I was just trained that way my entire youth. Until about a year and a half ago, when a friend put the idea into my head to move to a new country and start an unknown adventure. This was unheard of for me. In fact, I specifically remember thinking once when I was a kid, "I don't understand travellers. There's everything you need in this country. Why would anyone ever want to leave?" Not one of my proudest moments I admit, but hey, I was pretty brainwashed back then.

WELL, MAYBE NOT FOR THAT. BUT SOMETIMES.

So five months ago, I hopped a plane and have been living in Chile since. I did an entrepreneurship/life education program for two months which was an amazing experience of a lifetime and I met new friends from all over the world. However, I ended up spending the better part of it depressed as I was still processing all of the emotional aftermath of everything that had led up to my big decision.

After that, I went to a Spanish immersion school here in Viña del Mar, and met many more interesting people from all over the world. There I found people with shared interests in the things that I care most about which is always something to find solace in, especially since I hadn't found much of an opportunity to do so during the program. (Exosphere is full of passionate people and I love everyone there for different reasons--but I often felt lost as a musician amongst a crowd of start-up entrepreneur-minded people.) Remembering why I came here in the first place, I decided to finally let myself relax and think about music instead of continuously worrying about the next plan. After that conscious decision, I started really enjoying life again.

I've really enjoyed not working for this long, but at the same time I know I'm also avoiding thinking about it too, because that means the stress of looking for work in a foreign country, thinking about Visas, the possibility that I may need to travel back to Canada, and just a bunch of things I'd rather not think about. When I left, one of my good friends told me something that really stuck in my head which was to remember to stay true to myself, and that is why I am not rushing on making a plan. The whole point of coming here, the whole point of Exosphere, the whole point of learning Spanish, meeting people, everything--was part of the adventure of just doing something more spontaneous and testing my own confidence in myself to achieve what I want to do.

For me, that is making music. The very idea of going back to regular habits of work and worrying about plans makes me cringe because it contradicts everything that drove me here. It's quite an emotional subject for me, actually. I've had this sense of urgency building inside me for the last couple of years. It came to a head when I bought my plane ticket. Leaving the country was like a rite of passage. I needed to go. I needed a change. I needed to finally do what I fucking wanted: Create and turn imagination into reality.

PICTURED ABOVE: BURNINATING...EVERYTHING.

I never expected my lack of motivation upon arrival, although in hindsight I suppose I should have, seeing as it was such a time of upheaval for me. Now that I'm feeling more balanced again, I'm thinking about how I can create the reality I want. Ideas are flying around left, right and centre and to be perfectly honest I just can't decide on what I want to do most first. Now that I've tasted adventure, it's like a memory trigger for amnesia: I remember everything I've always wanted. Like I found the key to an old diary full of dreams that had been hidden away and long forgotten, and awakened the fire that had been in my heart from the very beginning.

Despite growing up with a mother that tried to convince me getting married and having a family was the ultimate end goal in life, I always knew I was destined for far more amazing things--to bend rules and break down boundaries. I became restless in my only long-term relationship. At the time I thought it was mostly because his ideals didn't match up with mine--or rather, those of my mother's--and in the back of my mind I resented that. But really what the biggest problem was for me is that he just didn't have passion; even less the confidence to act on it. 

I remember one time having something snap in my brain when he talked about wanting to buy a house one day--a concept which has always been something that has turned me off before I even understood why. I don't remember exactly how the argument went, but I remember blurting exasperatedly, "I don't want a fucking house, I want a -life-." Though I was dealing with a lot of PTSD at the time and didn't -look- like a motivated person, inside I still had all of those passions, dreams and goals even though I wasn't aware of what they were yet. He didn't. He told me he was happy to do what he liked doing just as a casual hobby, work at a job he could "tolerate," and live out his days in the same dinky retirement town that made my brain feel like it was fermenting with every additional second I stayed living there. Truly, it is a place where dreams go to die. Long story short (sort of), I moved to Vancouver upon inspiration from a friend, and we separated that year.

In Vancouver I worked inside a major department store in a natural health section for three and a half years. Honestly if it wasn't for my amazing staff I would have left far earlier, because that place reminded me of everything that was the opposite of what I valued. I looked at the ladies working as secretaries for 30+ years and thought to myself, "This couldn't possibly be what people strive to achieve. I mean, does anyone really say, 'When I grow up I want to be a department store manager'?" I swore the place always had a musty odor of death about it, what with the regular senior crowd that frequented there. But it wasn't the scent of rapid brain cell decay meeting my nostrils each morning that made me feel like I was working in a morgue; it was the energy there. I'd watch hordes old people get excited about getting once-a-month 10% discounts or get angry if they didn't and wonder--is this really what most people let their lives become?

SURPRISINGLY, I DID NOT MAKE THIS.

I would watch people shop for furniture with the bitter taste of disgust in my mouth. I have never wanted to have the kind of life where I would ever have to go shopping for fabric swatches. This was one of the same reasons I got fed up with the dance troupe I was a part of in Retirementville until I finally quit because of it--I just couldn't understand how anyone could be that apathetic or self-loathing to continue doing a 9-5 job that drove them crazy and the only thing they had that made them feel free was just treated as a hobby. Inevitably, they brought that compulsive need to have control to the group and it was impossible to ever have harmony amongst everyone during our militantly organized 3x/week schedule.

The point of mentioning all of this is to point out the huge contrast to the environment I'm in now. The game changed for me when I finally started to meet a new crowd in Vancouver. People that actually made sense, that gave a shit about something, and who also understood rules were irrelevant. I distinctly remember a moment of a conversation with one of my good friends from there, not long after we'd met. I was telling him the very same story about my frustration with ex-Unmotivating, and I'll never forget his perfect response: 

"So...what you really wanted was a co-explorer."

Never had a word rung more true in my mind before. "YES," I emphatically agreed. "Exactly." It was the word I had been missing all those years earlier that explained what I had always hoped to find: Someone who is just "crazy" enough to understand I was never actually crazy; who shares my rebellious, norm-breaking way of thinking; my affinity for silliness; my indescribable love for music (a necessity); who understands what having passion truly means...and who would be ready and willing to go have all sorts of amazing, spontaneous adventures with me. Most people would say those things seem crazy to want, but are they really? I don't think so. At least so says that idealist, "active romantic" part of me.

BEST QUOTE EVER.

So here I am now, not knowing what's going to happen next, and actually enjoying that fact for the first time in my life. I have always tried to plan and organize things myself because I believed that no one would ever care about what you care about as much as you do. But, if you're going to build something amazing, you can't do it yourself. You need a team, a support system if you will, so that you can focus your strengths and allow others to do the same. This is one of the important lessons Exosphere places emphasis on. This is what my next ongoing goal has become: To discover those people in my life that are going to help rocket things exponentially for all involved--who ARE "crazy" enough to take risks and come along for the adventure.

Travelling to Chile made me realize that contradictory to the tragically misinformed Little Me, there is so much more to see in the world and I remember now after all these years that I've always had the burning desire to see it. And with every passing day my determination to make music and creativity a permanent, prominent part of my life grows stronger. Now is the time to figure out how to do both of those things, and that will be the next story chapter. I don't know where I'm going to be, what I'm going to be doing, or who I'm going to be doing it with, but I have a strong sense that amazing opportunities are awaiting me and I have barely even scratched the surface of awesomeness. More and more great things to come. I can't wait. ^_^

xoxo, Me
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪

No, I'm Not an Incompetent Idiot: How I Really Want To Answer Your Interview Questions

So, I recently left my long time job as a health advisor and decided to start doing some work that would make me less crazy. I managed to score some employment with Millennium, an awesome goth/punk/alt clothing and gift store. However, it's not a lot of hours, so I've been spending pretty much every spare minute of the past few weeks trying to secure a second job.

During those few weeks I've had plenty of interviews, but not much success in obtaining work. The experiences have been interesting and rather disappointing about people in general. I even had one lady tell me that "my qualifications were impressive," but that they chose someone else. So why tell me that in the first place?

Here's the deal: I'm not an incompetent idiot. From feedback, experience, and comparison, I'm actually a pretty damn good employee. I learn fast, I like taking on responsibility, I'm super approachable with customers and I always genuinely care about doing my job well. 

Sitting there in the more awkward interviews, hell, even the good ones, it began to really bother me what kind of ultimate bullshit popularity contests interviews are. I mean seriously...they call you in the first place because you fit their basic qualifications. (More on this later.) After that it's just impressions. So many places hire for stupid reasons, appearance being only one of them. You basically have to tailor your answers to what you think that particular person wants to hear.

So it got me thinking, if I had a 100% honest interview of things I'd really like to say to some of these nose-looking-down type managers and let out my true angst-filled irritation, what would it sound like? It probably would end up being something like this...

1) So, tell me about yourself. (Translation: I TLDR'd your cover letter, It was just the first question on this sheet, and/or Please pass some time with useless information while I think up some better questions.")

"I don't give new friends a synopsis before starting important or unimportant relationships, why should I do that with you? Read my fucking cover letter, it says more than I'm going to bother to tell you in this 15 seconds."

2) Why did you choose us to apply to? (Translation: "Please kiss our butts and make us feel like we might be legitimately important," and/or, "The more interest you feign in the company, the more likely I'll fill your answer sheet with tick marks." Side comment: Yes, there are tick marks.)

"Because you had a job opening posted, and wouldn't you know it, I happen to like and require having money for groceries and rent right now."

3) What are some of your strengths? (Translation: "The more skills you can offer us in return for minimum wage, the sweeter the deal for us!")

"I actually have an entire section of my resume devoted to that, under...wait for it--'Skills.' Remember what I said about reading?"

4) What are some of your weaknesses? (Translation: "Are you a liability and/or completely incompetent?")

"I'm a human being just like everyone else. I have no problem doing my job and I will do it well. I do have problems with stupid people, which tends to be most people I encounter. Do I want to be witty and/or rude to put them in their place? Of course I do. Will I risk getting fired to do so? Likely not...unless if the amount of supreme assholeyness is grossly over-proportionate to how much a retail job is worth to me. Oh, and for the record, most of the time the customer is actually wrong. Wtf kind of question is this anyway?"

5) Can you tell me how you deal with difficult customers? (Translation: "How much self-respect do you lack?")

"Do you mean how I actually deal with them, or how I'd like to deal with them? Because I'd like to just tell them to fuck off. Generally I just try to just do the same thing, only more politely. It's mostly tactful, but sometimes it isn't. Just depends how much patience I have left."

*I was at my last job a looooong time. And got a LOT of stupid questions. Yes, there IS such a thing as a stupid question. So, so many of them. *shudder*

6) Tell me about a time when you went out of your way to give great service." (Translation: "We fully expect you to bend over backwards daily for a job we'll never pay you nearly enough for what you're worth." Oh, and they often stress to talk about ONE specific scenario. Is everyone else that lame at their jobs that only one instance has to stand out?)

"There may be a lot of wankers out there, but I am legitimately good at what I do and for the most part, care about doing so. No, I don't have "one" example of that, because that's what I do every goddamned day. You say you like your team; do you make your employees feel appreciated for the awesome job they're doing every day? Because you should be."

7) Do you have experience in the ____ (position/industry)? (Translation: Same as #4.)

"I don't even know how many different types of work I've had to do over the years. I've worked in warehouse, retail, and offices. I've done customer service in pretty much all aspects possible. It would take me a ridiculously long time to list everything I can do; what is clear is that I am an intelligent and competent person that learns and works quickly. Why yes--you might even say I have good work ethic! In a position where every scenario you deal with is different and in some cases, a world of experience wouldn't prepare you for it: how relevant is this question, really? I've seen people with 'experience' that just really suck at their jobs and are too stubborn to want to change and learn, and on top of that, feel that they're entitled to more simply because of their time of service rather than quality. Who wants that kind of employee?"

8) What other hobbies do you have? (Translation: The obligatory, "We had to put at least one question in there to make us look like we think you're more than just an employee number.")

"That's really not relevant or your business, but if you'd really like to know, I'm a musician and artist, which means I really don't care for your stuffy structured environment. Oh, and I also do striptease in burlesque numbers. Many friends and strangers have seen my tits, possibly even your employees!"

9) We have a "no visible tattoo" policy. (Translation: "We're [or at least the owners are] prejudiced bigots whose way of thinking is archaic enough to actually believe the BS notion that somehow what you look like effects your worth ethic.")

"Fuck. Right. Off."

10) Do you have any questions for us? (Translation: "If we hire you and there's something we didn't tell you about, it's your fault for not asking even if it's our responsibility to tell you.")

Up until recently I used to only ask basic things like hours and such, because for the most part, I didn't really give two shits about the company's history or anything like that. I try to throw a couple more things in now, though.

I don't really have an "FU" type answer to this question, but something a friend said recently sparked an idea of some questions I want to ask for real in my upcoming interviews. Questions that will return that same, uncomfortable under-the-interrogation-lamp feeling and get them to really think about what they're asking and why. After all, they asked you to come talk to them--clearly they already had the answers to many if not all of their questions as demonstrated above. Here are some of the turn-the-tables questions I thought of asking to get the employers to prove themselves...

1) So, why did you choose me to interview? (Re: "Why did you choose ____ to apply to?")
2) What are some of the company's weaknesses?
3) How much support do you offer your staff when dealing with a difficult customer? If a customer is being highly disrespectful, do you defend your staff's position and judgment, or just try to please the customer and make the sale?
4) Tell me about a time when you went out of your way to make an employee feel proud to work under your management.
5) What is worth more to you, competence or "experience"?
6) (If asked about covering tattoos/piercing) How do you feel about discrimination in the workplace?
7) Based on the qualifications I possess, the additional information I provided, and your experience with me thus far, why do you think I'd be a suitable candidate for the position? ie: Why would you hire me?

If you can think of any more, let me know! I hope you enjoyed this honest experience. :)

Tatas for later! (My version of tata for now.)

xoxo

Asking Questions Is Awesome

I haven't written in this thing in almost a year. Either I've had less to rant about or just found other means of doing so. Looking back on the last posts in here, it seems almost silly for me to be writing more of this, but oh well.

Doing well overall, although as soon as the sun starts to leave it immediately seems harder to get motivated in the morning.

I just worked my last day from the job I've had since I've lived in Vancouver. It's kind of an odd, end of an era feeling. Liberating on the one hand but scary on the other as I send out dozens of resumes and have had barely a few callbacks so far.

Part of the point of leaving was to get something that I could earn a better wage at, and here I am three days later already applying to jobs that pay lower than what I was making because I'm nervous I won't find something in time. I've spent pretty much all day throughout the past few days doing job searching, geez that can be tiring.

The reason for the change is to prepare for different things I want to plan for like possibly doing some coursework, or working toward the idea of going to Chile. Still nothing set in stone, but I just need some kind of ballpark goal.

It all feels ridiculous sometimes, doing such monotonous things. All I want to do is play music, but the more I have to work at tedious jobs in order to fund such creative projects, (and you know, eat and pay rent) the less time I have to actually do them. I sometimes feel like I might break if I don't get myself out of the structured job world and into a more creative one; unfortunately I don't seem to have much choice.

Aside from that, I find myself in an odd place. I'm happier now than I've ever been, and don't really feel like I particularly need anything, but I am making steps to actually achieve things. Somehow it always feels like something is missing, though.

I realized the other day that in spite of being generally happy overall, there is some sense of enjoyment I seem to be missing which I think has to do with a limited social circle. Something that was there when I had a family of friends right close by that I could see often.

Sometimes people say to me, "Just go out and ____," which to me is often annoying because I'd much rather just socialize with them than listen to suggestions I wouldn't necessarily do in the first place. I don't go out often, largely because it costs money to do anything in Vancouver, but for some reason "doing something" seems to equate in most people's minds to "going out." I can say that generally when I want to get out, 95% of the time I don't even really want to go anywhere specifically but just want to hang out with people just for the sake of spending time with them. Alas Vancouver isn't exactly a city where all you have to do is to walk down the street to get to your friend's house. So the social life doesn't end up happening all that often.

I keep thinking, it must be me. I must be doing something wrong. I don't want to do the standard things. I don't want to go out for drinks. Especially when that results in having to listen to libertarians and anarchists rant at each other all evening. Debating is not a relaxing social event for me.

That's what most people say: Go out. Don't want to do that? Well then tough. And when I do want to (which honestly has been a lot more than it used to be), I usually have to end up going alone anyway. I mean seriously, there's got to be a wee bit more thinking outside the box here.

It's weird; strangers often want to ask things like "what are you doing this weekend," but people that I actually know don't. What's up with that?

...That too.

xoxo

Fuck Christmas. Yeah, I Said It. What?

I think I've been more annoyed by Christmas this year than any other year. When you work inside a mall you can see the most superficial of it all. It all offends me. Aside from the usual TVs blaring and children screaming at an inhuman volume that makes me want to shoot myself in the foot on a day to day basis, this somehow seems amplified during December with all the other fakeness that surrounds me.

The other day I was on the train with my friend and was looking at all the decorated houses on the way. Upon seeing some of the more elaborate setups I was thinking, how ridiculous is this. Some people will drop hundreds of dollars just to make their house look pretty for a few weeks for almost no purpose at all except to look more impressive than their neighbours. Meanwhile, I hesitantly charge $6 worth of groceries to my credit card because I've run out of cash until the next payday. Two days ago I was sick so badly that I actually got dehydrated to the point of needing an IV, and yet I couldn't take an extra day off because I couldn't afford to. So I went to work on Sunday and watched as all the last minute shoppers did the thing sheeple do best.

I passed a 'Christmas' store the other day in the mall, and I saw in their front display a $400 decorative tree. I felt disgusted inside and thought of all the things that kind of money could be NOT wasted on. Just because you have the money doesn't make buying something like that a good idea.

There was a Salvation Army dude outside Coquitlam Mall who seemed to be singing carols whenever I walked past. I gotta give those guys credit for standing outside in crappy weather to do a job like that, and to remain in bright spirits while doing so like this guy was. But what pisses me off most is that how the only season they bother doing that is Christmastime. It's not necessarily that people feel more generous during the holidays. You just put something that makes people feel guilty right in front of their faces and of course they will react to it. Then they rationalize it with what they just spent on their purchases. "Well, I just spent $800 at Holt Renfrew, and at least $500 of that was for me. I guess I can spare a couple bucks."

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of charity I don't believe in for various good reasons, but no matter your stance on the matter, you can agree that the above is quite the example of how humanity in general shouldn't, but does think about a lot of things, no? Don't deny it for the sake of feeling righteous. I'm not saying YOU do it. But it happens everywhere.

My mom used to say if you want to help someone out, do it directly. What she hated was people who talk so much about how they like to donate to things, then feel all self-entitled to get pats on the back from the universe like they've done it some kind of grand favour, all to write it off in their taxes a couple months later and no loss to themselves. But they walk away with this unearned sense of, "And ~I~ helped!" and they feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking of how much 'better' they made 1/365 days of the year for someone. I grew up dirt poor. I know what kind of food/clothes/monetary donations people give. IT'S CRAP. And I'm not saying that to be thankless. I just mean I've seen better quality things and healthier food at the dollar store. But that $400 tree is so pretty, right?

To add a note of clarification. I'm not trying to sound like if it's not helpful that you shouldn't be spending money on things, or that it should even go to anyone else. Because I don't believe that. It's just that growing up in the circumstances I did, and still living an existence where I literally have to budget to the cent, when I see people spending considerable amounts of money on DUMB things like decorations, that's what I think is stupid. Anyway, I didn't mean this to be all about monetary waste, but it's just something that naturally has to come up.

I don't particularly dislike Christmas. I just dislike a lot of what people do at Christmas. It seems that during no other part of the year do you see so many false faces on. People celebrate the 'holiday' more because it's become tradition (or habit) rather than any personal spiritual or religious meaning. Hell, I don't even know, well, anyone who even does it for that reason at all. And yet again people feel entitled to receive all the benefits of a religious holiday. It has got so much recognition in fact, that it is often the one and only day of the year that a lot of businesses will still recognize with a day of closure. But I also kinda wonder if they just figure everyone is just too broke to go out by the time it rolls around.

They make tech support work the full day (as in, nearly 24hrs) on Christmas, though. Because god forbid you can't immediately play with your new cell phone/iTampon (yeah, I did that)/xbox as soon as it's out of the box (teehee...let's see who got that), right? Who needs to talk to friends and family anyway? If I can't do it with my phone, what's the point? ...But that's for another rant.

What's ultimately funny is a lot of people probably don't even fully understand the 'holiday' at all. I'm talking about the stuff that isn't commercialized. I don't care if you like to celebrate Christmas for whatever the hell reason you want. But I do care if you insist on being an uninformed ditz and just repeat what everyone else tells you about it.

But if I continue on this thread, I'll just instigate a whole bunch of angrypants controversial arguments from the people that buy $400 trees 'to have a nice holiday with their families.' I've probably already insulted many already, who either have already given up and chalked this up to, "Sheeyan is ranting again/doesn't know what she's talking about/CLEARLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS," or some such garbage people like to use to make themselves feel better about themselves and convince themselves how wrong you must be. I mean THEY don't agree with you, therefore you MUST be wrong!

Or, they're still reading, just to make sure they're good and offended enough to respond irrationally by the time they're done. If you've done or are planning to do either of those things, please save your energy and my time and go fuck a hat. (My new favourite insult. Thanks, Dr. E!) If not, please continue to appreciate my long winded opinions because I'm not quite done yet.

Another point of clarification. Usually, I do enjoy doing little things for Christmas. I like making some nice food and getting things for people I care about, if I'm able to. There was something else my mom used to say when I was a kid that, as a kid it annoys you to no end because it just sounds like a stupid reason not to do something to you, but really it does make sense when you think about it. "You should treat every day in my house like Christmas. Everything that people say the holidays are about shouldn't be reserved to one day a year...people should be happy to do them without expecting anything back."

Which is I guess is why my annoyance is increased more than usual this year. Today is December 24th, and I haven't even had TIME to think about what I'm doing for Christmas (if anything), because unlike most, I don't really have family around planning things for me, and for myself it JUST wasn't a priority. Why? Because I have had real important shit to deal with.

This month has been crazy. Shows happening, extended work hours wearing on my increasing insomnia, moving, looking for a place for us, finding a replacement for me, worrying about making sure everything is organized because I don't want to rely on whether or not other people will do them, etc. I've come damn near a few panic attacks just in the past few days. Hell, I've taken visits to the hospital three times in the past few weeks just because I've been so bloody run down just taking care of life. And you know what? I have negative dollars to spend even if I wanted to, because moving is expensive. Especially after having to take sick days. While many people are deciding whether to buy reindeer or santa (not capitalized on purpose) covered wrapping paper, I'm debating whether or not I'm going to have enough energy to pack my house.

That is why I don't CARE about your holiday party plans, fake smiles, dwindling wallets, illuminated into outer space houses, Christmas trees that cost almost as much as my rent, and other such superficial illusions. For those of you who just do their own business and take time to enjoy themselves and the ones they love, I'm glad you can do that during the holidays. I'll be spending time with those I care about most too, but again, to me it doesn't freaking matter what day of the year it is. Just saying.

In conclusion, to all of you who continuously choose not to be a douche at all times of the year including now, you have my salutations and respect. Even if you are at times though, I love you anyway. As long as you don't inundate me with Christmas songs. That's just asking for it. Seriously, who even likes those? Stores have it all wrong. They don't induce Christmas cheer. They just make the mall rage worse. Anyway. Tata for now and happy whatever the hell!

xoxo

Thanks, grumpy cat meme. You actually proved useful for something. =(^. .^)=

~Sheeyan :D

Indecisive.

I've been having thoughts lately, and at random times in recent months of making amends with something that cut a very deep wound in my heart last year. But I've been hesitating, because I'm not sure where these ponderments are coming from.

I could say that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm content enough with various things that I'm able to get over the pain of the event and let it go for my own sake. That I'm welcoming being over that and want to have love in my heart instead of hate. Part of me remembers that we're all just human beings that all have our asshole moments, some just are more permanent than others. I know underneath all the anger and pain that I loved these people very much, and the people I knew are still in there, somewhere.

But then I wonder if I'm just wanting to do it for the opposite reason, out of fear and the inability to move forward. Holding on to familiar things instead of venturing into new ones because the past seemed stable. Afraid to just cut the last of the ties, close the chapter, and forget about it. Because it fucking hurts. When someone is that close to you for that many years, it's difficult to just be able to forget about them. I am a sensitive person. I remember things; they seem to stay in the back of my mind whether I actively think about them or not, consciously or subconsciously effecting future decisions. I realize that learning how to let go of things is something that I have to figure out how to do for myself. But I'm not really there yet, and so things like this continue to actively effect me.

Which kind of brings me back to my first thought that maybe, just maybe, I am getting there...and that maybe talking to these 'ghosts of the past' just as one human being to another might just be a first step in healing things. Not just for this situation, but to help me learn how to apply the experience to other issues as well.

But there have been so many times over the past year and even recently where all I wished was that I had someone close and familiar to talk to about things going on. To share my excitement, talk about my adventures, express my feelings good and bad. To listen when I really need it (and lord knows I always do) help me feel loved when I'm down and lost and don't know what to do, and reassure me when I get frustrated with my ever confusing heart.

I have many wonderful people in my life who have been there through all of these things and I love them immensely. Yet somehow at times I still just miss old bonds. The person that knew everything. But then...I suppose I didn't know everything about them until I got hurt. And then I remember my fears again.

What if talking to them just makes things worse? Rehashing terrible experiences, and going through all those arguments and emotions I chose not to go through at the time because I wanted to pull as far away from the pain as possible? Sure, I wanted to rage, cry, and fight it out. But I didn't. I mean, I tried but then backed off. I sent messages, even left an angry voicemail. Then nothing. Which I suppose is kind of unlike me...but it was sort of one of those situations where just nothing you ever knew made sense anymore. Something that was just too much to try to wrap your head around.

I wonder if I'm only wanting to talk to them because they were something secure in the past. Because when I feel down, I remember that is who was always there when I felt down before. Sometimes there just doesn't seem to be enough familiarity built here yet. At the same time I feel like I'm just being a whineypants. When I get down it's easy for me to feel like I'm more alone than I really am in reality and I just think about how unfair it was that I lost something so dear. I suppose it's something that comes out in my depressed waves.

I somehow think that I might be able to remedy that hole they ripped open in me by making them share responsibility in fixing it. After all, we had so many good memories, right? And I get caught in my sadness sometimes, remembering those memories instead of making new ones with the people that matter most to me now. The ones who are here for me now, and making me happy in the current moment, and helping me get over and forget about all the idiots of the past.

I'm not saying that it makes sense or that I even really believe that making amends with these people would make anything better, but a part of me thinks about it when I get into reminiscent moods. Honestly I know that things happen for certain reasons and getting through one chapter leads you to new adventures. Really, I am happy to be where I am right now.

So now I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if I've just answered my own question with that last thought or if I should take more time to think about which theory makes the most sense. I have to let go of that which haunts me and keeps a gripping fear in me that seems to keep me too controlled. Maybe this whole post was just for naught because when I think of the wonderful people that are around me now, all I can think of is fuck those twats that just didn't give a shit about me when it came down to getting what they wanted. And really. Do you think they'd be the ones to ever contact me to talk? Of course not. It's always me.

I have been trying lately to remember what makes me happy and live in the moment instead of worrying about the future or missing what was left behind in the past. And you know what, I'm happier than I have felt in a really long time. Perhaps ever.

I am full of love and gratitude for those amazing people in my life who contribute to that happiness every day. You motivate me to keep going and to continue to find ways to heal, absolve burdens and become a happier person. And honestly, I don't know what life would be like without all of you. ♥

xoxo, Me