Asking Questions Is Awesome

I haven't written in this thing in almost a year. Either I've had less to rant about or just found other means of doing so. Looking back on the last posts in here, it seems almost silly for me to be writing more of this, but oh well.

Doing well overall, although as soon as the sun starts to leave it immediately seems harder to get motivated in the morning.

I just worked my last day from the job I've had since I've lived in Vancouver. It's kind of an odd, end of an era feeling. Liberating on the one hand but scary on the other as I send out dozens of resumes and have had barely a few callbacks so far.

Part of the point of leaving was to get something that I could earn a better wage at, and here I am three days later already applying to jobs that pay lower than what I was making because I'm nervous I won't find something in time. I've spent pretty much all day throughout the past few days doing job searching, geez that can be tiring.

The reason for the change is to prepare for different things I want to plan for like possibly doing some coursework, or working toward the idea of going to Chile. Still nothing set in stone, but I just need some kind of ballpark goal.

It all feels ridiculous sometimes, doing such monotonous things. All I want to do is play music, but the more I have to work at tedious jobs in order to fund such creative projects, (and you know, eat and pay rent) the less time I have to actually do them. I sometimes feel like I might break if I don't get myself out of the structured job world and into a more creative one; unfortunately I don't seem to have much choice.

Aside from that, I find myself in an odd place. I'm happier now than I've ever been, and don't really feel like I particularly need anything, but I am making steps to actually achieve things. Somehow it always feels like something is missing, though.

I realized the other day that in spite of being generally happy overall, there is some sense of enjoyment I seem to be missing which I think has to do with a limited social circle. Something that was there when I had a family of friends right close by that I could see often.

Sometimes people say to me, "Just go out and ____," which to me is often annoying because I'd much rather just socialize with them than listen to suggestions I wouldn't necessarily do in the first place. I don't go out often, largely because it costs money to do anything in Vancouver, but for some reason "doing something" seems to equate in most people's minds to "going out." I can say that generally when I want to get out, 95% of the time I don't even really want to go anywhere specifically but just want to hang out with people just for the sake of spending time with them. Alas Vancouver isn't exactly a city where all you have to do is to walk down the street to get to your friend's house. So the social life doesn't end up happening all that often.

I keep thinking, it must be me. I must be doing something wrong. I don't want to do the standard things. I don't want to go out for drinks. Especially when that results in having to listen to libertarians and anarchists rant at each other all evening. Debating is not a relaxing social event for me.

That's what most people say: Go out. Don't want to do that? Well then tough. And when I do want to (which honestly has been a lot more than it used to be), I usually have to end up going alone anyway. I mean seriously, there's got to be a wee bit more thinking outside the box here.

It's weird; strangers often want to ask things like "what are you doing this weekend," but people that I actually know don't. What's up with that?

...That too.

xoxo