During those few weeks I've had plenty of interviews, but not much success in obtaining work. The experiences have been interesting and rather disappointing about people in general. I even had one lady tell me that "my qualifications were impressive," but that they chose someone else. So why tell me that in the first place?
Here's the deal: I'm not an incompetent idiot. From feedback, experience, and comparison, I'm actually a pretty damn good employee. I learn fast, I like taking on responsibility, I'm super approachable with customers and I always genuinely care about doing my job well.
Sitting there in the more awkward interviews, hell, even the good ones, it began to really bother me what kind of ultimate bullshit popularity contests interviews are. I mean seriously...they call you in the first place because you fit their basic qualifications. (More on this later.) After that it's just impressions. So many places hire for stupid reasons, appearance being only one of them. You basically have to tailor your answers to what you think that particular person wants to hear.
So it got me thinking, if I had a 100% honest interview of things I'd really like to say to some of these nose-looking-down type managers and let out my true angst-filled irritation, what would it sound like? It probably would end up being something like this...
1) So, tell me about yourself. (Translation: I TLDR'd your cover letter, It was just the first question on this sheet, and/or Please pass some time with useless information while I think up some better questions.")
"I don't give new friends a synopsis before starting important or unimportant relationships, why should I do that with you? Read my fucking cover letter, it says more than I'm going to bother to tell you in this 15 seconds."
2) Why did you choose us to apply to? (Translation: "Please kiss our butts and make us feel like we might be legitimately important," and/or, "The more interest you feign in the company, the more likely I'll fill your answer sheet with tick marks." Side comment: Yes, there are tick marks.)
"Because you had a job opening posted, and wouldn't you know it, I happen to like and require having money for groceries and rent right now."
3) What are some of your strengths? (Translation: "The more skills you can offer us in return for minimum wage, the sweeter the deal for us!")
"I actually have an entire section of my resume devoted to that, under...wait for it--'Skills.' Remember what I said about reading?"
4) What are some of your weaknesses? (Translation: "Are you a liability and/or completely incompetent?")
"I'm a human being just like everyone else. I have no problem doing my job and I will do it well. I do have problems with stupid people, which tends to be most people I encounter. Do I want to be witty and/or rude to put them in their place? Of course I do. Will I risk getting fired to do so? Likely not...unless if the amount of supreme assholeyness is grossly over-proportionate to how much a retail job is worth to me. Oh, and for the record, most of the time the customer is actually wrong. Wtf kind of question is this anyway?"
5) Can you tell me how you deal with difficult customers? (Translation: "How much self-respect do you lack?")
"Do you mean how I actually deal with them, or how I'd like to deal with them? Because I'd like to just tell them to fuck off. Generally I just try to just do the same thing, only more politely. It's mostly tactful, but sometimes it isn't. Just depends how much patience I have left."
*I was at my last job a looooong time. And got a LOT of stupid questions. Yes, there IS such a thing as a stupid question. So, so many of them. *shudder*
6) Tell me about a time when you went out of your way to give great service." (Translation: "We fully expect you to bend over backwards daily for a job we'll never pay you nearly enough for what you're worth." Oh, and they often stress to talk about ONE specific scenario. Is everyone else that lame at their jobs that only one instance has to stand out?)
"There may be a lot of wankers out there, but I am legitimately good at what I do and for the most part, care about doing so. No, I don't have "one" example of that, because that's what I do every goddamned day. You say you like your team; do you make your employees feel appreciated for the awesome job they're doing every day? Because you should be."
7) Do you have experience in the ____ (position/industry)? (Translation: Same as #4.)
"I don't even know how many different types of work I've had to do over the years. I've worked in warehouse, retail, and offices. I've done customer service in pretty much all aspects possible. It would take me a ridiculously long time to list everything I can do; what is clear is that I am an intelligent and competent person that learns and works quickly. Why yes--you might even say I have good work ethic! In a position where every scenario you deal with is different and in some cases, a world of experience wouldn't prepare you for it: how relevant is this question, really? I've seen people with 'experience' that just really suck at their jobs and are too stubborn to want to change and learn, and on top of that, feel that they're entitled to more simply because of their time of service rather than quality. Who wants that kind of employee?"
8) What other hobbies do you have? (Translation: The obligatory, "We had to put at least one question in there to make us look like we think you're more than just an employee number.")
"That's really not relevant or your business, but if you'd really like to know, I'm a musician and artist, which means I really don't care for your stuffy structured environment. Oh, and I also do striptease in burlesque numbers. Many friends and strangers have seen my tits, possibly even your employees!"
9) We have a "no visible tattoo" policy. (Translation: "We're [or at least the owners are] prejudiced bigots whose way of thinking is archaic enough to actually believe the BS notion that somehow what you look like effects your worth ethic.")
"Fuck. Right. Off."
10) Do you have any questions for us? (Translation: "If we hire you and there's something we didn't tell you about, it's your fault for not asking even if it's our responsibility to tell you.")
Up until recently I used to only ask basic things like hours and such, because for the most part, I didn't really give two shits about the company's history or anything like that. I try to throw a couple more things in now, though.
I don't really have an "FU" type answer to this question, but something a friend said recently sparked an idea of some questions I want to ask for real in my upcoming interviews. Questions that will return that same, uncomfortable under-the-interrogation-lamp feeling and get them to really think about what they're asking and why. After all, they asked you to come talk to them--clearly they already had the answers to many if not all of their questions as demonstrated above. Here are some of the turn-the-tables questions I thought of asking to get the employers to prove themselves...
1) So, why did you choose me to interview? (Re: "Why did you choose ____ to apply to?")
2) What are some of the company's weaknesses?
3) How much support do you offer your staff when dealing with a difficult customer? If a customer is being highly disrespectful, do you defend your staff's position and judgment, or just try to please the customer and make the sale?
4) Tell me about a time when you went out of your way to make an employee feel proud to work under your management.
5) What is worth more to you, competence or "experience"?
6) (If asked about covering tattoos/piercing) How do you feel about discrimination in the workplace?
7) Based on the qualifications I possess, the additional information I provided, and your experience with me thus far, why do you think I'd be a suitable candidate for the position? ie: Why would you hire me?
If you can think of any more, let me know! I hope you enjoyed this honest experience. :)
Tatas for later! (My version of tata for now.)
xoxo
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