Fuck Christmas. Yeah, I Said It. What?

I think I've been more annoyed by Christmas this year than any other year. When you work inside a mall you can see the most superficial of it all. It all offends me. Aside from the usual TVs blaring and children screaming at an inhuman volume that makes me want to shoot myself in the foot on a day to day basis, this somehow seems amplified during December with all the other fakeness that surrounds me.

The other day I was on the train with my friend and was looking at all the decorated houses on the way. Upon seeing some of the more elaborate setups I was thinking, how ridiculous is this. Some people will drop hundreds of dollars just to make their house look pretty for a few weeks for almost no purpose at all except to look more impressive than their neighbours. Meanwhile, I hesitantly charge $6 worth of groceries to my credit card because I've run out of cash until the next payday. Two days ago I was sick so badly that I actually got dehydrated to the point of needing an IV, and yet I couldn't take an extra day off because I couldn't afford to. So I went to work on Sunday and watched as all the last minute shoppers did the thing sheeple do best.

I passed a 'Christmas' store the other day in the mall, and I saw in their front display a $400 decorative tree. I felt disgusted inside and thought of all the things that kind of money could be NOT wasted on. Just because you have the money doesn't make buying something like that a good idea.

There was a Salvation Army dude outside Coquitlam Mall who seemed to be singing carols whenever I walked past. I gotta give those guys credit for standing outside in crappy weather to do a job like that, and to remain in bright spirits while doing so like this guy was. But what pisses me off most is that how the only season they bother doing that is Christmastime. It's not necessarily that people feel more generous during the holidays. You just put something that makes people feel guilty right in front of their faces and of course they will react to it. Then they rationalize it with what they just spent on their purchases. "Well, I just spent $800 at Holt Renfrew, and at least $500 of that was for me. I guess I can spare a couple bucks."

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of charity I don't believe in for various good reasons, but no matter your stance on the matter, you can agree that the above is quite the example of how humanity in general shouldn't, but does think about a lot of things, no? Don't deny it for the sake of feeling righteous. I'm not saying YOU do it. But it happens everywhere.

My mom used to say if you want to help someone out, do it directly. What she hated was people who talk so much about how they like to donate to things, then feel all self-entitled to get pats on the back from the universe like they've done it some kind of grand favour, all to write it off in their taxes a couple months later and no loss to themselves. But they walk away with this unearned sense of, "And ~I~ helped!" and they feel all warm and fuzzy inside thinking of how much 'better' they made 1/365 days of the year for someone. I grew up dirt poor. I know what kind of food/clothes/monetary donations people give. IT'S CRAP. And I'm not saying that to be thankless. I just mean I've seen better quality things and healthier food at the dollar store. But that $400 tree is so pretty, right?

To add a note of clarification. I'm not trying to sound like if it's not helpful that you shouldn't be spending money on things, or that it should even go to anyone else. Because I don't believe that. It's just that growing up in the circumstances I did, and still living an existence where I literally have to budget to the cent, when I see people spending considerable amounts of money on DUMB things like decorations, that's what I think is stupid. Anyway, I didn't mean this to be all about monetary waste, but it's just something that naturally has to come up.

I don't particularly dislike Christmas. I just dislike a lot of what people do at Christmas. It seems that during no other part of the year do you see so many false faces on. People celebrate the 'holiday' more because it's become tradition (or habit) rather than any personal spiritual or religious meaning. Hell, I don't even know, well, anyone who even does it for that reason at all. And yet again people feel entitled to receive all the benefits of a religious holiday. It has got so much recognition in fact, that it is often the one and only day of the year that a lot of businesses will still recognize with a day of closure. But I also kinda wonder if they just figure everyone is just too broke to go out by the time it rolls around.

They make tech support work the full day (as in, nearly 24hrs) on Christmas, though. Because god forbid you can't immediately play with your new cell phone/iTampon (yeah, I did that)/xbox as soon as it's out of the box (teehee...let's see who got that), right? Who needs to talk to friends and family anyway? If I can't do it with my phone, what's the point? ...But that's for another rant.

What's ultimately funny is a lot of people probably don't even fully understand the 'holiday' at all. I'm talking about the stuff that isn't commercialized. I don't care if you like to celebrate Christmas for whatever the hell reason you want. But I do care if you insist on being an uninformed ditz and just repeat what everyone else tells you about it.

But if I continue on this thread, I'll just instigate a whole bunch of angrypants controversial arguments from the people that buy $400 trees 'to have a nice holiday with their families.' I've probably already insulted many already, who either have already given up and chalked this up to, "Sheeyan is ranting again/doesn't know what she's talking about/CLEARLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE REAL MEANING OF CHRISTMAS," or some such garbage people like to use to make themselves feel better about themselves and convince themselves how wrong you must be. I mean THEY don't agree with you, therefore you MUST be wrong!

Or, they're still reading, just to make sure they're good and offended enough to respond irrationally by the time they're done. If you've done or are planning to do either of those things, please save your energy and my time and go fuck a hat. (My new favourite insult. Thanks, Dr. E!) If not, please continue to appreciate my long winded opinions because I'm not quite done yet.

Another point of clarification. Usually, I do enjoy doing little things for Christmas. I like making some nice food and getting things for people I care about, if I'm able to. There was something else my mom used to say when I was a kid that, as a kid it annoys you to no end because it just sounds like a stupid reason not to do something to you, but really it does make sense when you think about it. "You should treat every day in my house like Christmas. Everything that people say the holidays are about shouldn't be reserved to one day a year...people should be happy to do them without expecting anything back."

Which is I guess is why my annoyance is increased more than usual this year. Today is December 24th, and I haven't even had TIME to think about what I'm doing for Christmas (if anything), because unlike most, I don't really have family around planning things for me, and for myself it JUST wasn't a priority. Why? Because I have had real important shit to deal with.

This month has been crazy. Shows happening, extended work hours wearing on my increasing insomnia, moving, looking for a place for us, finding a replacement for me, worrying about making sure everything is organized because I don't want to rely on whether or not other people will do them, etc. I've come damn near a few panic attacks just in the past few days. Hell, I've taken visits to the hospital three times in the past few weeks just because I've been so bloody run down just taking care of life. And you know what? I have negative dollars to spend even if I wanted to, because moving is expensive. Especially after having to take sick days. While many people are deciding whether to buy reindeer or santa (not capitalized on purpose) covered wrapping paper, I'm debating whether or not I'm going to have enough energy to pack my house.

That is why I don't CARE about your holiday party plans, fake smiles, dwindling wallets, illuminated into outer space houses, Christmas trees that cost almost as much as my rent, and other such superficial illusions. For those of you who just do their own business and take time to enjoy themselves and the ones they love, I'm glad you can do that during the holidays. I'll be spending time with those I care about most too, but again, to me it doesn't freaking matter what day of the year it is. Just saying.

In conclusion, to all of you who continuously choose not to be a douche at all times of the year including now, you have my salutations and respect. Even if you are at times though, I love you anyway. As long as you don't inundate me with Christmas songs. That's just asking for it. Seriously, who even likes those? Stores have it all wrong. They don't induce Christmas cheer. They just make the mall rage worse. Anyway. Tata for now and happy whatever the hell!

xoxo

Thanks, grumpy cat meme. You actually proved useful for something. =(^. .^)=

~Sheeyan :D

Indecisive.

I've been having thoughts lately, and at random times in recent months of making amends with something that cut a very deep wound in my heart last year. But I've been hesitating, because I'm not sure where these ponderments are coming from.

I could say that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm content enough with various things that I'm able to get over the pain of the event and let it go for my own sake. That I'm welcoming being over that and want to have love in my heart instead of hate. Part of me remembers that we're all just human beings that all have our asshole moments, some just are more permanent than others. I know underneath all the anger and pain that I loved these people very much, and the people I knew are still in there, somewhere.

But then I wonder if I'm just wanting to do it for the opposite reason, out of fear and the inability to move forward. Holding on to familiar things instead of venturing into new ones because the past seemed stable. Afraid to just cut the last of the ties, close the chapter, and forget about it. Because it fucking hurts. When someone is that close to you for that many years, it's difficult to just be able to forget about them. I am a sensitive person. I remember things; they seem to stay in the back of my mind whether I actively think about them or not, consciously or subconsciously effecting future decisions. I realize that learning how to let go of things is something that I have to figure out how to do for myself. But I'm not really there yet, and so things like this continue to actively effect me.

Which kind of brings me back to my first thought that maybe, just maybe, I am getting there...and that maybe talking to these 'ghosts of the past' just as one human being to another might just be a first step in healing things. Not just for this situation, but to help me learn how to apply the experience to other issues as well.

But there have been so many times over the past year and even recently where all I wished was that I had someone close and familiar to talk to about things going on. To share my excitement, talk about my adventures, express my feelings good and bad. To listen when I really need it (and lord knows I always do) help me feel loved when I'm down and lost and don't know what to do, and reassure me when I get frustrated with my ever confusing heart.

I have many wonderful people in my life who have been there through all of these things and I love them immensely. Yet somehow at times I still just miss old bonds. The person that knew everything. But then...I suppose I didn't know everything about them until I got hurt. And then I remember my fears again.

What if talking to them just makes things worse? Rehashing terrible experiences, and going through all those arguments and emotions I chose not to go through at the time because I wanted to pull as far away from the pain as possible? Sure, I wanted to rage, cry, and fight it out. But I didn't. I mean, I tried but then backed off. I sent messages, even left an angry voicemail. Then nothing. Which I suppose is kind of unlike me...but it was sort of one of those situations where just nothing you ever knew made sense anymore. Something that was just too much to try to wrap your head around.

I wonder if I'm only wanting to talk to them because they were something secure in the past. Because when I feel down, I remember that is who was always there when I felt down before. Sometimes there just doesn't seem to be enough familiarity built here yet. At the same time I feel like I'm just being a whineypants. When I get down it's easy for me to feel like I'm more alone than I really am in reality and I just think about how unfair it was that I lost something so dear. I suppose it's something that comes out in my depressed waves.

I somehow think that I might be able to remedy that hole they ripped open in me by making them share responsibility in fixing it. After all, we had so many good memories, right? And I get caught in my sadness sometimes, remembering those memories instead of making new ones with the people that matter most to me now. The ones who are here for me now, and making me happy in the current moment, and helping me get over and forget about all the idiots of the past.

I'm not saying that it makes sense or that I even really believe that making amends with these people would make anything better, but a part of me thinks about it when I get into reminiscent moods. Honestly I know that things happen for certain reasons and getting through one chapter leads you to new adventures. Really, I am happy to be where I am right now.

So now I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if I've just answered my own question with that last thought or if I should take more time to think about which theory makes the most sense. I have to let go of that which haunts me and keeps a gripping fear in me that seems to keep me too controlled. Maybe this whole post was just for naught because when I think of the wonderful people that are around me now, all I can think of is fuck those twats that just didn't give a shit about me when it came down to getting what they wanted. And really. Do you think they'd be the ones to ever contact me to talk? Of course not. It's always me.

I have been trying lately to remember what makes me happy and live in the moment instead of worrying about the future or missing what was left behind in the past. And you know what, I'm happier than I have felt in a really long time. Perhaps ever.

I am full of love and gratitude for those amazing people in my life who contribute to that happiness every day. You motivate me to keep going and to continue to find ways to heal, absolve burdens and become a happier person. And honestly, I don't know what life would be like without all of you. ♥

xoxo, Me

Reminiscence.

It is time once again for me to quench my random urge to blog. It happens from time to time. I don't even have anything specific I wanted to write about, I just decided I should start typing and see what happens.

There has been a lot of change recently as per the norm of this year. Moved a second time, kind of out of nowhere. I'm not really sure what it is in my brain that makes these decisions, but I think it's mostly a way of challenging my own self to see what else I'm capable of dealing with. So far, I'm content with my decision. I still get the occasional wrench thrown in the way here and there, but it would seem that there hasn't been anything I can't bounce back from.

I've had Mom on my mind a lot lately and I'm not quite sure why. I don't even know if it's anything specific or if she's just trying to make me aware of something. I think part of it might be because something in the house reminded me of our old place. It's mostly terrible memories. But I also really miss her right now. Things happen from time to time where I really wish I had her reassurance.

I have to say though, this summer I have been increasingly happier than I have been in a longass time, and it feels good. I seem to be recovering from things quicker than I used to. Having active projects to work on really helps keep me going. Being able to regularly socialize these days has made a tremendous difference as well.

It's still lonely inside my head. And that's something that will still take a lot of work to overcome. I like feeling close to people, yet I'm afraid of getting there. I haven't let anyone close to me in a while now. I still think of the people that came in and out of my life earlier this year, and things like that seem to just make me pre-emptively worry about junk that my mind just makes up. I am afraid to tell people certain things sometimes, which is generally a rare occurrence for me.

When I start to think I might like someone, I freak out about it and try to deny it to myself as long as possible because I know what my brain does. I get easily distracted, and before I even realize what the hell is happening, my guard has already been down for a long while. I start reacting to things that previously wouldn't have bothered me and I become keenly aware of how vulnerable I am.

That happened a few months ago and I didn't even see it coming. Then all of a sudden everything disappeared. It's heartbreaking when you can pour your heart out to a person one day and then be afraid to speak to them the next. I always wonder what people are thinking. I shouldn't, but it seems I can't help always worrying about what the people I care about think of me. I am always doubting myself.

All I've ever wanted to do was make others happy, but it seems that I often just frustrate the ones that are closest to me because I often don't even know what's wrong. Myself most of all. Except I'm the only one who can't go anywhere. The ironic part of that is, I'm not the type of person who would leave in the first place.

I suppose none of this is really making much sense without the details. That's fine, most of my thoughts end up coming out like that. Right now I'm too tired to think much harder on it, I just needed to write. Perhaps I'll come back to this later.

Tata for now, kittens.

xoxo,

Me

PS - Adorable kitties. That is all.

Dissonance.

This originally started as a letter to a friend whom I thought could relate or offer advice to this particular plight. Then I realized it was probably more of an elaborate ponderthought, and that it deserved to be posted.

I'm having so many doubts. I know I'm doing well with my voice and theory stuff, but I feel like I just can't do anything else. I'm working hard at things just to still be mediocre at them after so many years.

I put a craigslist ad up and a dude contacted me who is trying to get some producing experience. I met with him today to show him a few of my songs since I don't really have any recordings of originals. We agreed to meet up at a local community centre, which when I got there I realized was a senior's centre. There were no closed rooms and plenty of ears that I didn't want to be around.

My very first thought was: Shit. One of my best songs is an extremely personal expression about sex. And I'm going to sing this not only to some old dude I don't even know, but also have a few dozen even older people hear me from the next room? You know, providing that's not failing them.

So I refused to sing that song even though it's probably the one I'm the most competent at.

The second I saw the guy at the door I felt uneasy, knowing full well that I get nervous even sharing my songs with friends, nevermind strangers. Nevermind old man strangers. I uncomfortably asked questions on what he wanted to work with on the recordings we'd do. I basically just started asking questions to stall and pretty much panicked the entire time he was setting up, wondering what would be the most neutral song of mine that I was also competent at playing to show him first.

I eventually decided (reluctantly) to start with my newest song, the one I wrote about Kara. Once I had the headphones on and I couldn't hear anything outside of them I felt a little more at ease. Kind of like how a mouse thinks you can't see it if it can't see you. I tried my best to sing without stressing, but I continuously fucked up on every single take I tried. I had to sing it three fricking times before he even recorded it, which annoyed me because I just wanted it over with. And the one that we ended up recording came out the worst.

I played a couple more songs which I refused to record for various reasons, mainly because I was getting less cool with this dude that I just met recording my work, and shitty ones at that. I sang one of my songs that didn't have a finished chorus yet and he said, "I notice you don't sing for long breaks. Why do you do that?" I had to push down some rage-y thoughts at that moment, because I thought he had a lot of nerve to ask that. I have a few songs where I have longer guitar breaks. He said it "takes away from the vocals." Sure, but who said I was strictly a vocalist?

And it's not like I don't know I suck at guitar. I do. And it makes me feel consistently sad and incompetent every time I play. He said my guitar was "a little sloppy." I've felt horrible since. Couldn't he just say something like, "We'll need to work on _____"? :/

I come home and of course the first thing I do is go practice because I feel like if I don't fill every spare moment of my life with it I'll just keep giving everyone else a reason to think I'm inadequate. And practicing the same thing over isn't going to help me become a better guitarist, but it's all I know how to do at this point. So I put my guitar down in frustration and go to the piano.

Being upset, my mind wanders while I'm playing. I imagine playing for people in Nanaimo to show them what I've done with my time here. And then my brain puts Owen in there, telling me things like, "you just gotta keep at it to get better," in the subtly condescending way Owen does to make it not sound like he actually thinks you're terrible at it. And then as soon as that enters my head my fingers fail.

"Fuck him," I think to myself, "He can't sing anyway." And I continue playing until I run out of songs in my book that I can play. I look down at the keys and long for the day I can play hours of Beethoven by memory. I play a series of a few melodramatic chords and think of composing a song with it, but I leave it because I'm just not in the mindset to teach myself new things right now. I'll probably forget what they were by the time I get around to it.

Just like that I fall into a massive state of sadness and self doubt. I know I shouldn't, I know I have potential in some things and that I learn things really well, and I know I shouldn't care about what some stranger thinks when more experienced people have told me otherwise. But it just reminds me how insecure I am about everything I do and how every day that I fight through this mediocre retail-job existence might just ending up being for naught, because perhaps I really am just a talentless hack with unrealistic dreams.

Just before I set it away, I sat pondersome with my new guitar Phoenix, my arms wrapped around it the way a child embraces a teddy bear. I won't give up on guitars, because I know it can't give up on me.

And so here I sit, having quit practice for the night, just alone with my instruments.

View From the Eye of the Storm: How the Hell Did I Even Get In Here?

Hello all of you amazing people. The ones that decided, "Hey, I like knowing what Sheeyan is thinking about," and clicked on this novella of nonsense before the next retarded meme someone else posted on facebook. Because I'd like to think that my thoughts are at least a slightly better use of your time. Thanks for that. No, seriously. Writing this is only half the experience if you don't read it. So go on.

I want to write every so often but every time I do I think that what I have to say won't be interesting enough for anyone to actually care to read. Then I realized that I don't care, and alas here I am.

I've been wondering what makes one important in another's life. I've had a very interesting year so far with people coming and going. I often ponder about things like this for no good reason; I'm always curious about what makes people tick and what will make a relationship work or not work.

This year started by losing two very close friends of mine. I've been in an interesting transition period since, and I'm still not really sure what direction I'm headed in.

I often feel like (and daydream about) that I'm just in a giant movie of my life and there are all these roles that other people fill. I suppose not knowing how the other characters are going to develop is part of the wonder, but then you can't help but be curious about how things are going to turn out between them and the protagonist.

I'm watching things change around me all the time. Sometimes I get excited and caught up in it, and other times I just get nervous and afraid. I try to stay in the former, but often when things go at a faster pace than you thought they would, it's intimidating. I spend a good part of every day of my life trying not to succumb to the fear and/or rage that has developed in me over the years. It's hard to break out of patterns you've been so conditioned to all of your life.

When someone is really close to you for a good period of time, you start to get comfortable with them. Some people you trust more than others perhaps, but there is always some form or another of genuine care there. Which is why it's confusing for me when those people start to drift away for absolutely no reason. Cue the fear and lack of confidence.

I watch as people whom I once talked to nearly every day start ignoring me more and more often and for longer periods of time each time. Sure, I could give them every last benefit of the doubt and say they were busy or doing this or that every freaking time, but really I know inside my head that the reality is that they're trying to drift away from me. I never know if I should feel relieved or saddened by that, but it is mostly always the latter.

I know that people come into and leave your life for a good reason, and all that stuff about making room for the good and new and etc. But I'm sentimental. I will hold on to good memories of people for many years after they stopped deserving to be inside my head, because despite people being a-holes I can't help but love the wonderful things they did at one point or another. And people are people. Everyone does good things and shitty things. Just some tend to tip the scales more toward the latter than others.

I guess this post is just me being in the midst of that weird, transitional stage. Where I've lost a lot of people that I felt very close and comfortable with in a very short time, but haven't yet got to know anyone else well enough to be able to fully share the same experiences with, and I feel that something is seriously lacking in my life at the moment.

Sometimes I just sit here for hours and wonder whether or not to talk someone, over the paranoia that I don't just want to look like I'm bored or annoying or whatever. I don't know why. I always have this idea in my head that everyone has something better to do than talk to me. It's why sometimes I get really nervous to actually call someone on the phone, even though I enjoy hearing someone's voice much better than typing to them.

I've come home the past few days and just felt this weird sense of emptiness in my house, moreso than the usual alone feeling I've had here. I suppose part of it could be just being burnt out from having to move and everything else. Normally I can come home and find things to do that end up wasting most of my night and at the end of it I wonder what the fuck I just did for 8 hours. The last couple nights I come home, check a couple things, and in sometimes less than an hour I'm going out of my mind just wishing I had someone here to spend some time with. If even just to continue doing nothing, but not alone.

At those times, I can't particularly think of anything that I'd want to do that would be fulfilling. I halfheartedly hope that someone will come around and talk to me so I can distract myself. I just lie there in empty space and think about nothing. Except maybe people that I am missing. It's the weirdest thing, and I don't know why it's happening specifically now.

In general I've been feeling alright and pretty inspired by some of the people that I've got in my life right now. In fact, I've felt much better than I have in ages and I'm so grateful for all of their inspiration. Which is why this weirdness the last few days just doesn't make sense.

I think part of it is coming to realize how my feelings have been acting without my even noticing. I'm not sure if the fact that I want to be close to certain people is just being dictated by the overwhelming lonely feeling, or if there's a reason for that pull and the universe is trying to tell/teach me something and is trying to lead me into the next adventure. I know I have much to learn from every new person in my life...but sometimes I just hate suspense.

Doesn't the universe know by now that I'm easily confused? Geez. And I guess that's all I can say about that for now. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what happens. Or make something happen. I'm liking that idea better. Let's do that.

Tatas for later,

Sheeyanigans
xoxo

Less Complaining, More Sexy Rumpus.

Despite being single this year, Valentine's Day doesn't actually bother me. In fact, I still quite like the day. I look forward to buying neat decorations at the dollar store every year. Being the sexy, amazing tiger vixen that I am (hahaha!), naturally I enjoy things like roses, sparkly red and heart shaped things to adorn my abode with. Strange, my ex didn't quite feel the same way.

Many are sorry for his loss.

Anyway, I was out most of the day today, and saw many people with roses and gifts, and people with their arm around one another, etc. What I was thinking about however, was how disappointing it is that this is the one and only day of the year where you actually notice people doing that. Why?

It's a damn shame. What is society's problem with affection? People should be this attentive to their partners all the time. And yet year after year there are so many jokes about how the whole Valentine's Day thing is such a 'hassle' to men, and that it's a "girl" holiday.

I'm sorry, but I had thought this was a day that celebrated love. You know, something TWO people are involved in. Not buying things for one to pretend you give a bigger shit about it than you actually do. It's about the both of you. Yet because it's a holiday that focuses on love, somehow it's touted as a girl thing. Please to explain?

Taking it one step further, a BS, pretty much anti-Valentine's March 14th thing stems out of this skewed view. As if the girls now owe ther boyfriends/husbands for "all the effort" they made on Valentine's day. What do you mean, "all the effort" that is basically you making up for an entire year of not doing it? No? Oh, sorry for being so ignorant. So please...elaborate as to why this is such a pain in the ass for you.

Now, despite my argument that I think people should be this attentive ALL the time, I do actually believe in doing something special for V-Day. In fact, I always used to like to book a day somewhere and buy a silly gift. On my first non-single Valentine's, I was surprised to hear my then-bf say to me, "I didn't realize that people did things like that on Valentine's Day." o_O

I was a little confused, but was like, I guess some people don't celebrate it much. So I didn't worry about it. What the kicker was though, was that it was the same every subsequent year. I think I got flowers once? Don't get me wrong, I obviously don't put a lot of value on tangible offerings. I like showing care in a variety of meaningful ways.

But you'd think when I drop around $200 on a night out EVERY year, one might recognize that the date is something that is special to me. I don't care if you draw a shoddy heart on a napkin in crayon. I just want you to recognize that it's important to me instead of going ahead with the notion that it's another irrelevant day when clearly I've been so enthusiastic about it in the past.

Okay, enough with the sidetrack rant. The point was just to say, wtf people? Why do people take so many things for granted? Why just do extra kind things for your lover on Valentine's Day? Why just promote helping the poor at Christmastime? Why only call your Mother/Father to thank them for all the hard work they've done for your ass your entire life just on Mother's/Father's Day?

I don't get it.

And now, if you all didn't see it already on my facebook posts today, here is a great Valentine's comic. As usual the Oatmeal is spot on.

http://theoatmeal.com/blog/valentines_day

Since then I've had "Less complaining. More sexy rumpus," as a personal motto of mine. :D Sadly, I still do a fuckload of complaining, and there hasn't been much sexy rumpus going on, either. Hmmm...do you think those things have an inverse correlation to each other...? :O

Tatas for later, my lovelies. ;)

xoxo,

Sheeyan <3

Vancouver vs. Winnipeg: Should I Stay or Should I Go? (Part One)

I've had the prairies on the brain a LOT lately. There are various reasons for this which I'll post about in more detail later, but I've had the thought floating through my head for several months now on whether it would be worth my while to move back.

I've grown frustrated with this rainy, unfriendly, expensive city. I mean, I do love Vancouver. I suppose I just don't like the people that live IN Vancouver. That and the lack of sun, of course.

So just for the hell of it, I decided I'd make a pros and cons list. This actually ended up being more detailed that I originally thought it would, so I'm going to post the two cities in separate posts. Let's start with my current place of residence. I may think of additional stuff later, in which case I'll make an update.

VANCOUVER

Pros:

- All my best friends from the past 10 years are close to here. However, that list is not what it used to be; names have dropped off of it in recent times.
- I have a good job, probably the best one I've ever had.
- Bigger centre for opportunities (at least so I'm told).
- Beautiful mountains and ocean nearby. The beauty here is just without comparison.
- Instructors I want to work more with here, as well as bandmates.
- The most awesome doctor ever (seriously, this is hard to find).
- Being able to walk a few minutes down any street and find a GOOD pizza and/or sushi joint.
- Being able to go out in my yard in the middle of February in a tank top and not be cold!
- Granville Street and assorted places downtown having buskers and performers out at most times of the year. It's an amazing feeling to walk down the street and have a drumbeat pulsate through your heart.
- Has probably one of the largest and most diverse burlesque scenes in Canada. I don't know if I'd enjoy being somewhere that didn't have this.
- Skytrain. Seriously. I love that thing. Although sometimes the creaks scare me.
- Feeling like I'm a part of something important. I don't know, I can't describe it.
- Good alternative community/acceptance. Getting weird looks from dressing the way I do seems less prominent here than anywhere else. And more importantly, there are enough alt clothing stores here so that I don't have to buy all of mine from ebay.
- People are a lot more natural health aware here. It makes my job and finding things I need much easier.

Cons:

- The sun comes out about 1% of the year
- Constant rain on a person that has trouble keeping warm as it is = not cool
- Most people are generally unfriendly, and I find there's a lot of cliquey-ness, which is stupid
- Overabundance of hippies/hipsters/people that like to protest things
- Walking up hills can be annoying, particularly whilst hurrying for the bus. Also, I fail at riding a bicycle here.
- Third most expensive city to live in...in the ^&%*ing WORLD. And I am a mighty poor lady.
- The reek of weed can assault my nostrils at any given time. Also, I have never been to any other city (granted it's not many) where a particular place in town can be referenced by mentioning its discernible eau de pee.
- Oh, and worse, the amount of people here that fiercely defend pot. Come on, people. We all know your real translation for "Legalize it for medicinal use!" is really just "I want to get high."
- Everything is SO far away and takes a billion years to get to.
-Surrey. Self explanatory.
- EVERYONE *^&%ing whines when it goes under 10C. It's positively the most annoying/retarded thing ever. What is wrong with you people? Do you have something against purchasing or wearing additional layers?! STFU!
- The streets turn into a car-pocalypse if there's so much as a millimetre of snow. You DO realize that we live in Canada, and winter is synonymous with snow, even though BC gets less and wetter stuff than most places. You'd think people would figure out how to be weather prepared by now. &^*%! It can be a full on -50C, five foot high blizzard in the Peg and Winnipeggers can still drive better in that than you do in this joke you call snow that BC has. For shame!

***

I will post the Winnipeg side soon. Let me know your thoughts and comments! Even though this list was made partly in silliness, this is a serious consideration I'm making. The input of those I love is very important.

Tatas for later, Moi

PS - http://theoatmeal.com/blog/seattle_weather

Overwhelmed and Under-hugged.

It would appear that I haven't blogged in just over a year. I kind of fell out of the habit. I did some video posts for a while, but my webcam sucks balls so I only ended up doing a few of those. It's not that the year hasn't been eventful (it has--oh boy, it has), I just haven't really had the energy up to this point to update things. However, recently I've just been getting the urge to write again. Sometimes when you have this much on your mind, the only efficient way to organize (if you can call this that) your thoughts is to write them out. Alas, here I go.

***

First of all, let's just brief everyone on the previous year. The year 2011 was an eventful year, building up to a lot of major changes in my life and the way I see things (and people).

The year started off just coming out of a major breakup. That relationship went on four and a half years, and was my first everything. Needless to say, adjusting to the separation was difficult for me, seeing as I've never had too many people in Vancouver that could help give me some sense of belonging. Friend visits still come rarely. Any time I became aware of any related news to my old life, it ripped open everything all over again. I'm a sensitive person. I can take a long time to deal with goodbyes.

There are many other random events that I dealt with that year, including a major freak out last March, when it seemed like everything built up and exploded. Incidentally it was also when the Japanese earthquake hit and I was a huge mess for several weeks after that until I just made myself calm the fuck down.

I've gone up and down with ponderments of school. Making plans, cancelling them, coming up with ideas, getting excited, then disappointed, etc. Finally at the end of the year, my vocal teacher set a goal with me. She was the first person to actually GET what I needed. She's a great person and very perceptive, and I love her for that.

I think that covers most important events for last year.

***

As the year was drawing to a close, I was actually feeling pretty confident about things and like things were on an upswing for once. I felt loved, and I was happy about having goals to work toward. I went to Winnipeg for a couple weeks in December and it was nice to see some good friends and family. Then January came. And pretty much instantaneously, everything went crazy and major changes flew at me out of nowhere.

I don't like changes. Specifically, many large ones in rapid succession. And it seems like in the past barely-over-two short weeks, I have not been able to catch a break. Starting exactly on January 1st, here are some of the fucktarded things that have happened so far....

1) I discovered that the one person that I thought I could always trust and who understood everything about me, apparently didn't. Despite a year and plus of explaining all of my year's pains in detail, somehow she didn't realize that those same things were still hurting me. Oh, and did I mention I even discussed them with her not two days before getting stabbed in the heart? Yeah.

After one long angry message, I haven't got up the nerve to talk to her again since, and I am still processing that and what to do. Although it has been very difficult not being able to talk to whom was once my best friend for the past ten years. But I feel like even if I do end up fixing things eventually it will be different, and I will never really be able to gain full trust back.

After this happened, and still up until now, I got an overwhelming amount of messages and responses from various people. It got to the point where my fingers were actually so tired that I requested people to phone me instead.

Some responses were very interesting. There were many caring, supportive and insightful responses. Although I did get a couple weird angry responses from people in regards to how I handle things. People blaming me for shit that I didn't have much control over, telling me to get over it, etc.

This just makes me sigh. For people that know me well enough by now, you know that I'm a very passionate person. Telling me to just learn how to be another way doesn't happen automatically. More importantly, when someone comes to you distraught, for the love of god and all that is holy, don't bitch at them back and make them feel like worse crap. That shit is stupid. When someone is upset, they need you there for them. They need love and support. Not "I told you so," or, "Grow a pair," type comments. Seriously people. Grow up or shut up.

(FYI: This is not about any one person or response, but various things, and not necessarily just pertaining to this event but other similar responses from things that have happened in the past.)

That said, I still do appreciate everyone's efforts and I know that intentions were, for the most part, meaning well. I do love each and every one of my friends and respect and appreciate all of their thoughts and feelings. And I understand that everyone deals with these kinds of things differently. But fyi, when it's me that's coming to you in tears, stressed/freaking out or whatever else--what I need are calming words. A hug. Y'know...something reassuring. I am not one that responds well to criticism when I'm already distraught.

I have anxiety/depression issues, ie: an extremely sensitive nervous system. You need to calm me down before anything positive can happen. Adding to it just makes my nerves go into overdrive and then I just get panic attacks or depressed waves and shit. Makes sense, yes? No one likes that. So now you know how you should deal with it. Please. For my health, and both of our sanity. Thank you.

There's more I have to say on my reactions to things and people's reactions to me, but that is another mega subject that I will leave until another blog post. Anyway.

I think this one main event was what put me in a distraught state that has made everything else since feel even more ridiculous than usual. Whenever I get really upset about something it just reminds me of everything else that I hate. Like...

2) I had a thought that went something like: "I don't know what to make of the world anymore, when the liars are telling me the truth, the ones who always told me the truth are lying to me, my best friends have become strangers, and strangers are my best friends."

This referring to the fact that one of the people I feel closest to these days is a secretive hider. It's something I've learned to deal with. But you know what? That person is there for me more consistently more than any other friend of mine in the entire past year, and has my greatest admiration and respect for it.

The second and third parts are self explanatory, mostly referring to the other incident above.

The fourth part is referring to how the people who aren't technically my friends have been better people to me than some of my closer friends. My vocal teacher and chiropractor are people that I regularly chat to and who give me a lot of kind and helpful words. They're fantastic people.

3) I'm having a school crisis again. Everyone I talk to gives me different advice, and it keeps changing my ideas of what I want to do, JUST when I think I've made a solid plan.

It's getting kind of overwhelming to deal with. I just want to figure this shit out, already. I want to get something accomplished. I'm tired of feeling like I have to catch up with all these 10-year-olds that can do way more than I can. I'm just getting to a point where something HAS to give somehow.

Other less huge, but also very odd things have happened in the past few days:

4) My computer almost died. I miraculously saved it, but the 12 hours prior to doing that were a complete gong show. I realized I could access the internet over my wii and sent help messages out to people since I had no clue what to do.

The reason it freaked me out so goddamn much is because the internet is my main connection with pretty much everyone in my life now. No one calls me. I was gone for almost two whole weeks in December and I came back to zero messages, and not even any missed calls. The sad part is, that wasn't the entire length of time that I hadn't been called by a friend.

One person responded to assist me in my computer crisis, thank goodness. It was dreadfully painful trying to enter one letter at a time typing with my wii remote, but at least got some ideas to work with. I sent a couple personal messages out to friends I thought might be able to give me ideas, which were ignored. I found this curious, yet predictable for most of my friends, I suppose. :/

Of course not forgetting the fact that I was in general distress from all the other shit going on lately. It's not just me--most of my coworkers were/are going through distressing times as well. And other friends with major news that I was processing.

For the past several weeks I have/had been offering emotional support for a very close friend going through a major breakup. I'll do anything to be there for my friends, but there were many things going on at the same time. Oh, and I forgot to mention...my friend from #1 also did have some distressing news as well that was also a surprise to me. But I never was able to really lend much of an ear, considering starting not two days after that I haven't wanted to talk to her since because of incident #1.

5a) Two very odd things happened yesterday. First, my phone was randomly not working. It took another 12 hours to get THAT fixed, again thank fuck it was something I was able to resolve on my own. It was scary enough losing contact with people on the computer, never mind my only OTHER means of contact for everything else. It wasn't a super distressing event, it was just something that tied all in to a similar theme this month. But first...

5b) I just discovered a very close friend of mine removed me from facebook (and probably msn), which was pretty much our main means of communication. I'm...still processing this and trying to figure it out. There was nothing unusual that I've done lately that differs from any other time. I have been really stressed out lately, and I know I get really high strung when I get like that, but otherwise nothing else has happened.

This pains me a lot because this is a person I have always felt a wonderful connection to, as it is someone who really understands a lot of experiences of mine that many other people do not, particularly emotionally. I've considered her one of my best friends for quite a while now.

And just like that, she disappeared. I'm very confused, and have been having random moments breaking into tears over the past 24 hours. It's bad enough losing one very close friend, but now another...all out of nowhere. I am going to try to see what I can do to regain communication, but I have a feeling my efforts won't get far. :S

Alas, that brings me to what seems to be the recurring theme here: Disconnection. As if I didn't have enough of that to begin with. I live alone, I spend most of my time alone. I HATE being alone. And yet here I am, and the universe is sending me strong messages that ties to the world are being cut, and it's time to make new ones.

People have been confirming to me for a while that "It's time to close this chapter of your life and move on, and away from your pain." I get that, although this much all at once gets pretty damn overwhelming. However...

On a positive note, it does feel like this year is going to be full of powerful changes, and I'm not feeling that they are going to be as negative as before. I am feeling good about my music. I have a dedicated friend who wants to work on it with me, and who gets super psyched about all of my ideas. That is freaking awesome.

I had a serendipitous moment a couple weeks ago as well. One grumpy evening, I decided to just go out for once instead of taking the easy option of just spending the night at home by myself. I ended up meeting a pretty cool person that evening. It was a nice break from all of the crazy that's been happening.

Thinking about school stuff gets frustrating, but at least I'm at the point now that I feel confident I will figure it out. A friend gave me some good pointers last night and I think it helped clarify some things for me.

Sooo....it would seem that I am losing a lot of what was once familiar and comfortable for me, perhaps to make room for newer, better, more inspiring things. I know the past few years have been challenging, the last two in particular. I've gone through a lot, and there were things that held me back. But this year I am all about releasing all of those fears I've developed over my youth and finally taking bigger actions to get to where I want to be: happy.

I think that sums most of it up to today. If not, I'll be back again!

All my love from your overly wordy friend,

Sheeyan

xoxoxoxo
=(^. .^)=