***
First of all, let's just brief everyone on the previous year. The year 2011 was an eventful year, building up to a lot of major changes in my life and the way I see things (and people).
The year started off just coming out of a major breakup. That relationship went on four and a half years, and was my first everything. Needless to say, adjusting to the separation was difficult for me, seeing as I've never had too many people in Vancouver that could help give me some sense of belonging. Friend visits still come rarely. Any time I became aware of any related news to my old life, it ripped open everything all over again. I'm a sensitive person. I can take a long time to deal with goodbyes.
There are many other random events that I dealt with that year, including a major freak out last March, when it seemed like everything built up and exploded. Incidentally it was also when the Japanese earthquake hit and I was a huge mess for several weeks after that until I just made myself calm the fuck down.
I've gone up and down with ponderments of school. Making plans, cancelling them, coming up with ideas, getting excited, then disappointed, etc. Finally at the end of the year, my vocal teacher set a goal with me. She was the first person to actually GET what I needed. She's a great person and very perceptive, and I love her for that.
I think that covers most important events for last year.
***
As the year was drawing to a close, I was actually feeling pretty confident about things and like things were on an upswing for once. I felt loved, and I was happy about having goals to work toward. I went to Winnipeg for a couple weeks in December and it was nice to see some good friends and family. Then January came. And pretty much instantaneously, everything went crazy and major changes flew at me out of nowhere.
I don't like changes. Specifically, many large ones in rapid succession. And it seems like in the past barely-over-two short weeks, I have not been able to catch a break. Starting exactly on January 1st, here are some of the fucktarded things that have happened so far....
1) I discovered that the one person that I thought I could always trust and who understood everything about me, apparently didn't. Despite a year and plus of explaining all of my year's pains in detail, somehow she didn't realize that those same things were still hurting me. Oh, and did I mention I even discussed them with her not two days before getting stabbed in the heart? Yeah.
After one long angry message, I haven't got up the nerve to talk to her again since, and I am still processing that and what to do. Although it has been very difficult not being able to talk to whom was once my best friend for the past ten years. But I feel like even if I do end up fixing things eventually it will be different, and I will never really be able to gain full trust back.
After this happened, and still up until now, I got an overwhelming amount of messages and responses from various people. It got to the point where my fingers were actually so tired that I requested people to phone me instead.
Some responses were very interesting. There were many caring, supportive and insightful responses. Although I did get a couple weird angry responses from people in regards to how I handle things. People blaming me for shit that I didn't have much control over, telling me to get over it, etc.
This just makes me sigh. For people that know me well enough by now, you know that I'm a very passionate person. Telling me to just learn how to be another way doesn't happen automatically. More importantly, when someone comes to you distraught, for the love of god and all that is holy, don't bitch at them back and make them feel like worse crap. That shit is stupid. When someone is upset, they need you there for them. They need love and support. Not "I told you so," or, "Grow a pair," type comments. Seriously people. Grow up or shut up.
(FYI: This is not about any one person or response, but various things, and not necessarily just pertaining to this event but other similar responses from things that have happened in the past.)
That said, I still do appreciate everyone's efforts and I know that intentions were, for the most part, meaning well. I do love each and every one of my friends and respect and appreciate all of their thoughts and feelings. And I understand that everyone deals with these kinds of things differently. But fyi, when it's me that's coming to you in tears, stressed/freaking out or whatever else--what I need are calming words. A hug. Y'know...something reassuring. I am not one that responds well to criticism when I'm already distraught.
I have anxiety/depression issues, ie: an extremely sensitive nervous system. You need to calm me down before anything positive can happen. Adding to it just makes my nerves go into overdrive and then I just get panic attacks or depressed waves and shit. Makes sense, yes? No one likes that. So now you know how you should deal with it. Please. For my health, and both of our sanity. Thank you.
There's more I have to say on my reactions to things and people's reactions to me, but that is another mega subject that I will leave until another blog post. Anyway.
I think this one main event was what put me in a distraught state that has made everything else since feel even more ridiculous than usual. Whenever I get really upset about something it just reminds me of everything else that I hate. Like...
2) I had a thought that went something like: "I don't know what to make of the world anymore, when the liars are telling me the truth, the ones who always told me the truth are lying to me, my best friends have become strangers, and strangers are my best friends."
This referring to the fact that one of the people I feel closest to these days is a secretive hider. It's something I've learned to deal with. But you know what? That person is there for me more consistently more than any other friend of mine in the entire past year, and has my greatest admiration and respect for it.
The second and third parts are self explanatory, mostly referring to the other incident above.
The fourth part is referring to how the people who aren't technically my friends have been better people to me than some of my closer friends. My vocal teacher and chiropractor are people that I regularly chat to and who give me a lot of kind and helpful words. They're fantastic people.
3) I'm having a school crisis again. Everyone I talk to gives me different advice, and it keeps changing my ideas of what I want to do, JUST when I think I've made a solid plan.
It's getting kind of overwhelming to deal with. I just want to figure this shit out, already. I want to get something accomplished. I'm tired of feeling like I have to catch up with all these 10-year-olds that can do way more than I can. I'm just getting to a point where something HAS to give somehow.
Other less huge, but also very odd things have happened in the past few days:
4) My computer almost died. I miraculously saved it, but the 12 hours prior to doing that were a complete gong show. I realized I could access the internet over my wii and sent help messages out to people since I had no clue what to do.
The reason it freaked me out so goddamn much is because the internet is my main connection with pretty much everyone in my life now. No one calls me. I was gone for almost two whole weeks in December and I came back to zero messages, and not even any missed calls. The sad part is, that wasn't the entire length of time that I hadn't been called by a friend.
One person responded to assist me in my computer crisis, thank goodness. It was dreadfully painful trying to enter one letter at a time typing with my wii remote, but at least got some ideas to work with. I sent a couple personal messages out to friends I thought might be able to give me ideas, which were ignored. I found this curious, yet predictable for most of my friends, I suppose. :/
Of course not forgetting the fact that I was in general distress from all the other shit going on lately. It's not just me--most of my coworkers were/are going through distressing times as well. And other friends with major news that I was processing.
For the past several weeks I have/had been offering emotional support for a very close friend going through a major breakup. I'll do anything to be there for my friends, but there were many things going on at the same time. Oh, and I forgot to mention...my friend from #1 also did have some distressing news as well that was also a surprise to me. But I never was able to really lend much of an ear, considering starting not two days after that I haven't wanted to talk to her since because of incident #1.
5a) Two very odd things happened yesterday. First, my phone was randomly not working. It took another 12 hours to get THAT fixed, again thank fuck it was something I was able to resolve on my own. It was scary enough losing contact with people on the computer, never mind my only OTHER means of contact for everything else. It wasn't a super distressing event, it was just something that tied all in to a similar theme this month. But first...
5b) I just discovered a very close friend of mine removed me from facebook (and probably msn), which was pretty much our main means of communication. I'm...still processing this and trying to figure it out. There was nothing unusual that I've done lately that differs from any other time. I have been really stressed out lately, and I know I get really high strung when I get like that, but otherwise nothing else has happened.
This pains me a lot because this is a person I have always felt a wonderful connection to, as it is someone who really understands a lot of experiences of mine that many other people do not, particularly emotionally. I've considered her one of my best friends for quite a while now.
And just like that, she disappeared. I'm very confused, and have been having random moments breaking into tears over the past 24 hours. It's bad enough losing one very close friend, but now another...all out of nowhere. I am going to try to see what I can do to regain communication, but I have a feeling my efforts won't get far. :S
Alas, that brings me to what seems to be the recurring theme here: Disconnection. As if I didn't have enough of that to begin with. I live alone, I spend most of my time alone. I HATE being alone. And yet here I am, and the universe is sending me strong messages that ties to the world are being cut, and it's time to make new ones.
People have been confirming to me for a while that "It's time to close this chapter of your life and move on, and away from your pain." I get that, although this much all at once gets pretty damn overwhelming. However...
On a positive note, it does feel like this year is going to be full of powerful changes, and I'm not feeling that they are going to be as negative as before. I am feeling good about my music. I have a dedicated friend who wants to work on it with me, and who gets super psyched about all of my ideas. That is freaking awesome.
I had a serendipitous moment a couple weeks ago as well. One grumpy evening, I decided to just go out for once instead of taking the easy option of just spending the night at home by myself. I ended up meeting a pretty cool person that evening. It was a nice break from all of the crazy that's been happening.
Thinking about school stuff gets frustrating, but at least I'm at the point now that I feel confident I will figure it out. A friend gave me some good pointers last night and I think it helped clarify some things for me.
Sooo....it would seem that I am losing a lot of what was once familiar and comfortable for me, perhaps to make room for newer, better, more inspiring things. I know the past few years have been challenging, the last two in particular. I've gone through a lot, and there were things that held me back. But this year I am all about releasing all of those fears I've developed over my youth and finally taking bigger actions to get to where I want to be: happy.
I think that sums most of it up to today. If not, I'll be back again!
All my love from your overly wordy friend,
Sheeyan
xoxoxoxo
=(^. .^)=
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