Hello all of you amazing people. The ones that decided, "Hey, I like knowing what Sheeyan is thinking about," and clicked on this novella of nonsense before the next retarded meme someone else posted on facebook. Because I'd like to think that my thoughts are at least a slightly better use of your time. Thanks for that. No, seriously. Writing this is only half the experience if you don't read it. So go on.
I want to write every so often but every time I do I think that what I have to say won't be interesting enough for anyone to actually care to read. Then I realized that I don't care, and alas here I am.
I've been wondering what makes one important in another's life. I've had a very interesting year so far with people coming and going. I often ponder about things like this for no good reason; I'm always curious about what makes people tick and what will make a relationship work or not work.
This year started by losing two very close friends of mine. I've been in an interesting transition period since, and I'm still not really sure what direction I'm headed in.
I often feel like (and daydream about) that I'm just in a giant movie of my life and there are all these roles that other people fill. I suppose not knowing how the other characters are going to develop is part of the wonder, but then you can't help but be curious about how things are going to turn out between them and the protagonist.
I'm watching things change around me all the time. Sometimes I get excited and caught up in it, and other times I just get nervous and afraid. I try to stay in the former, but often when things go at a faster pace than you thought they would, it's intimidating. I spend a good part of every day of my life trying not to succumb to the fear and/or rage that has developed in me over the years. It's hard to break out of patterns you've been so conditioned to all of your life.
When someone is really close to you for a good period of time, you start to get comfortable with them. Some people you trust more than others perhaps, but there is always some form or another of genuine care there. Which is why it's confusing for me when those people start to drift away for absolutely no reason. Cue the fear and lack of confidence.
I watch as people whom I once talked to nearly every day start ignoring me more and more often and for longer periods of time each time. Sure, I could give them every last benefit of the doubt and say they were busy or doing this or that every freaking time, but really I know inside my head that the reality is that they're trying to drift away from me. I never know if I should feel relieved or saddened by that, but it is mostly always the latter.
I know that people come into and leave your life for a good reason, and all that stuff about making room for the good and new and etc. But I'm sentimental. I will hold on to good memories of people for many years after they stopped deserving to be inside my head, because despite people being a-holes I can't help but love the wonderful things they did at one point or another. And people are people. Everyone does good things and shitty things. Just some tend to tip the scales more toward the latter than others.
I guess this post is just me being in the midst of that weird, transitional stage. Where I've lost a lot of people that I felt very close and comfortable with in a very short time, but haven't yet got to know anyone else well enough to be able to fully share the same experiences with, and I feel that something is seriously lacking in my life at the moment.
Sometimes I just sit here for hours and wonder whether or not to talk someone, over the paranoia that I don't just want to look like I'm bored or annoying or whatever. I don't know why. I always have this idea in my head that everyone has something better to do than talk to me. It's why sometimes I get really nervous to actually call someone on the phone, even though I enjoy hearing someone's voice much better than typing to them.
I've come home the past few days and just felt this weird sense of emptiness in my house, moreso than the usual alone feeling I've had here. I suppose part of it could be just being burnt out from having to move and everything else. Normally I can come home and find things to do that end up wasting most of my night and at the end of it I wonder what the fuck I just did for 8 hours. The last couple nights I come home, check a couple things, and in sometimes less than an hour I'm going out of my mind just wishing I had someone here to spend some time with. If even just to continue doing nothing, but not alone.
At those times, I can't particularly think of anything that I'd want to do that would be fulfilling. I halfheartedly hope that someone will come around and talk to me so I can distract myself. I just lie there in empty space and think about nothing. Except maybe people that I am missing. It's the weirdest thing, and I don't know why it's happening specifically now.
In general I've been feeling alright and pretty inspired by some of the people that I've got in my life right now. In fact, I've felt much better than I have in ages and I'm so grateful for all of their inspiration. Which is why this weirdness the last few days just doesn't make sense.
I think part of it is coming to realize how my feelings have been acting without my even noticing. I'm not sure if the fact that I want to be close to certain people is just being dictated by the overwhelming lonely feeling, or if there's a reason for that pull and the universe is trying to tell/teach me something and is trying to lead me into the next adventure. I know I have much to learn from every new person in my life...but sometimes I just hate suspense.
Doesn't the universe know by now that I'm easily confused? Geez. And I guess that's all I can say about that for now. I suppose we'll have to wait and see what happens. Or make something happen. I'm liking that idea better. Let's do that.
Tatas for later,
Sheeyanigans
xoxo
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