The Toughest Step Is The First...And Sometimes The Second, Too

Sometimes I feel so much at once I wish I could just erupt like a volcano to get it all out at once instead of having to suffer through all of the slow, tedious processing time that being a human being requires.

I need some kind of backup system to help handle the output of all of my feels. Sometimes I wonder how all of this can fit into one person. So much emotional energy crammed into one tiny space. Why is everything always this intense?

***

I wrote those two paragraphs a couple of days ago when I originally intended to start this post, but just couldn't get any more words out because so much was going on inside my head due to various circumstances. Needless to say, there's been a lot going on. But I'm feeling a lot more collected now and so I decided to organize these thoughts so I could let people know what page of my adventure I'm on currently.

I decided I'm going to head back to Canada for a while. This was by no means an easy decision to make. I have been very happy with life in Chile and it saddens me to have to leave, but there were a few things that ultimately led to that decision. Some of this will be a quick recap from my last post.

I originally came here so that I could start working more on my own personal projects. In the time that I've been here, I was really able to take much needed time for myself and finally realized what my next steps needed to be. I had been thinking of taking a music business program for a long time and I finally decided that if I wanted to work on any of the business ideas that I had, that it would probably be necessary to finally bite the bullet and pursue that idea.

In the town that I live in, there's not a whole lot of opportunities for English speakers, and my Spanish is still a ways away from being proficient enough for business purposes. So, my main option would have been to move to Santiago to find work, where there is a much larger expat community. I hesitated on that though, because I already had all my friends in this area, and also I have not yet met a single person who says they like living in the city.

On top of that, even if I went there and got a job, it would mean I'd be in a contract for one or two years likely doing some kind of office job, and it would drastically take away from any time I would have to be creative. I have been working on some music here with a friend and I knew that even if I was able to visit I'd not be able to really focus on what I wanted. One of the main reasons I left Vancouver in the first place was because I was tired of doing the same thing I had been doing for ten years; I really didn't want to continue that pattern here.

"WHAT, YOU WANT A LIFE, TOO? SILLY HUMAN."

So, because of those reasons and just wanting to take care of some things back in Vancouver, I will be leaving this beautiful country in just two short weeks. I've been overwhelmed with things to think about and plan for, but mostly I've been overwhelmed with what I've been feeling. I want to stress that this was a very difficult decision to make. I've made friends here with some of the most genuine, wonderful humans I have ever met, and it really breaks my heart to leave them behind.

This post comes so late because every time I wanted to write something about it I just couldn't think of what to say. I guess I just didn't really want to write out every detail of things I was already going over in my head every day. As you might have noticed, I haven't made many updates during my time here because I really just wanted to live my life without social-media-tizing it. That meant even my close friends didn't often hear much of what I was up to. I kind of prefer it that way...I'd rather share things personally on a one-on-one basis with people who directly express interest, which is what I've been doing instead.

I don't know what the plan is for Canada yet and I don't think I will until I get things underway there. The plan -IS- definitely to come back to Chile as soon as I can, or if everyone I know here has left the country by that time, then I'll make travel plans for some other awesome shenanigans (Sheeyanigans). But even though I know that, it doesn't make leaving now any less difficult. Especially since I know there are a handful of faces I've crossd paths with here whom I might not have a chance of seeing for a long time, or maybe ever again in person. Such is the circumstances of living in a place where transient tourism is the norm. I have met fabulous souls from all over the world, and I hope to see them all again at some point, but the fact just is that I don't know when that may end up being.

A few of those faces, a small few, found themselves places deep in my heart and those are the ones I will definitely be sure to see again and continue raising hell with across the globe. You know who you are, and you can bet on that! I love you guys so much, and I will be writing you all more personal notes in the near future before I go. I'm going to have to have some tissue handy when I start on that one.

One final request for anyone meeting up with me back in Canada. Please do not:

- Feel "relieved" that I am back "home," or think it's better for me to be in Canada for any other ridiculous reason. I may care about you too, but I'm a grown-ass woman and my home is where I make it. I don't intend to stay in Canada for long periods of time from here on out, so please accept that without any small-minded opinions.

- Say dumb things to me, like, "They always come back," or "Life must have been challenging there," "You're probably relieved to be back," "You must have missed it here!" or anything else demonstrating cultural ignorance or a sense of superiority for north american life. Chile has been fucking rad, and yes, I still prefer it here to Canada, regardless of any advantages I may have in the not-so-great-and-not-even-white-North. And remember, I'm an anarchist, so the more you puff your chest about the country you live in (worse, while you make excuses for not wanting to step even your tippy-toe out of it) regardless of the reason, the more unimpressed I'll be and the less I'll want to tell you about any of my adventure.

LIKELY DEPICTION OF WHAT I WILL DO IF YOU IGNORE THIS REQUEST.

I think that should about cover it for now. I'll be trying to post other things as my last weeks unfold here. Until then, I invite you to chat with me personally if you're interested in more of the details of my stories.

Tata for now my sexy friends,

Sheeyan
xoxo

Destination Unknown

Alrighty my dear ones, I need your thoughts on something.

As you all should know by now, nearly eight months ago I left the eternally grey city of Vancouver to live in the Southern hemisphere in Viña del Mar, Chile. It has been hands down the most amazing experience of my life so far. If you want to read more about how I got here and what I've been up to, please check my last post here wherein I spill all the news and feels thus far.

A few months ago I decided not to stress too much about finding work down here and instead focus more on giving myself time to relax and process for once. That proved very fruitful. By doing so not only was I able to feel instantly better physically, mentally and emotionally, but also slowly but surely plans and ideas started to form inside my head naturally without trying to force anything.

The more time I spent, the more I was able to realize things I wanted for myself. I always used to worry about long term goals and would stress immensely about what short term plans I would need to carry out in order to get myself there and would always hit a wall when I realized that not only did I have no idea how to get there, but I had no clear idea of where I even wanted to go in the first place.

ME VERSUS MY BRAIN ON A REGULAR BASIS.

Over these past few months, I have discovered a few new things I definitely know I want to do now:

1) Work toward fluency in Spanish
2) Visit more of South America
3) Travel more in general
4) Pursue formal music education
5) Find some kind of work I don't mind that I can do from anywhere, or at least something I can do for a few months to alternate working in one place and travelling in another.

To elaborate on that fourth one. My main goal in leaving Vancouver was to start working on a way to support myself with artistic endeavours rather than the world of retail and service that I knew was slowly killing me. I have come up with several different thoughts on business ideas, but realized I can't really pursue most of them with a lack of a network and team, and specifically, industry skills.

Wanting a way to facilitate my own art and put myself ahead of the curve, I started thinking about pursuing a path of studying music business or production, which I have been seriously looking into recently. If I were to do that, I would have to go back and spend a lot of time (at least a year) in Vancouver.

The problem?

I fucking love this place now. I've felt so refreshed by my life in Chile. I've made some of the most meaningful friendships I've ever had since being here. I even have a solid band project for the first time in my life. Those that know me well know that one thing has always been at the top of the list for my personal goals. It would be very hard for me to have to leave all of this. Just the thought alone really depresses me.

There aren't too many options for English speakers in the region I live in, so I've considered going to Santiago, which is generally where most expats congregate for the same reasons. It's less than two hours away and I could still visit my friends here from there. The thing is, anything I would find for work would likely be some kind of office or service job.

I FEEL THAT THIS PHOTO IS PRETTY SELF-EXPLANATORY HERE.

I guess what I'm dealing with right now is just the dilemma of staying or going, and this is why I wanted to write this out for you guys. Either way I need to figure out a work situation soon, but I'm resisting making a decision because I love what I have here even though there are things I'll have to take care of in Vancouver at some point.

So much has happened in the past several months and it feels like it's been several years. I've grown and discovered more of myself, more about what I need to do in life. I don't really have much desire for North American life anymore...I mean really, what I do miss is the people, and not much else. Well, maybe some of the food. ;)

I'm writing this because I'm stalling. I tend to get indecisive for things like this, and the biggest reason is the people that I love here. Since I've been down here I've had to say several pretty big goodbyes to many people that mean a lot to me as they go home and/or continue on their own journey. I realized the other day that there are many faces I have had the pleasure of meeting while being here that I may never get to see in person ever again.

I have a feeling that just being overwhelmed by all of this is clouding my judgment. I know there are probably a bunch of more options that I haven't even thought of yet. This is where you, all of those whom I care about come in. See, sometimes I forget to listen to what I've been telling myself until someone else reminds me of what's been in the back of my mind the entire time. So tell me...what have I not seen yet? Or what am I not remembering?

KITTIES: THE CAUSE OF AND SOLUTION TO ALL OF MY DISTRACTION.

Where In The World Is Scarlett Catalyst?

I've always been what I suppose most people would call a 'hopeless romantic' type. I would like to argue however, that a new name should be coined for that. Personally, I prefer to think of myself as a hopeful romantic. Or rather, just an acting romantic. Let me explain. According to Myers-Briggs (popular personality typing system...google it if you care) I fall into the 'idealist' category and although to me that doesn't look obvious on the outside, once you understand my value in having passion and applying it to all aspects of your life, then that categorization is really quite on the nose.

Most of my life I was happy to stay in my safe and familiar bubble--well, not happy I suppose, rather I was just trained that way my entire youth. Until about a year and a half ago, when a friend put the idea into my head to move to a new country and start an unknown adventure. This was unheard of for me. In fact, I specifically remember thinking once when I was a kid, "I don't understand travellers. There's everything you need in this country. Why would anyone ever want to leave?" Not one of my proudest moments I admit, but hey, I was pretty brainwashed back then.

WELL, MAYBE NOT FOR THAT. BUT SOMETIMES.

So five months ago, I hopped a plane and have been living in Chile since. I did an entrepreneurship/life education program for two months which was an amazing experience of a lifetime and I met new friends from all over the world. However, I ended up spending the better part of it depressed as I was still processing all of the emotional aftermath of everything that had led up to my big decision.

After that, I went to a Spanish immersion school here in Viña del Mar, and met many more interesting people from all over the world. There I found people with shared interests in the things that I care most about which is always something to find solace in, especially since I hadn't found much of an opportunity to do so during the program. (Exosphere is full of passionate people and I love everyone there for different reasons--but I often felt lost as a musician amongst a crowd of start-up entrepreneur-minded people.) Remembering why I came here in the first place, I decided to finally let myself relax and think about music instead of continuously worrying about the next plan. After that conscious decision, I started really enjoying life again.

I've really enjoyed not working for this long, but at the same time I know I'm also avoiding thinking about it too, because that means the stress of looking for work in a foreign country, thinking about Visas, the possibility that I may need to travel back to Canada, and just a bunch of things I'd rather not think about. When I left, one of my good friends told me something that really stuck in my head which was to remember to stay true to myself, and that is why I am not rushing on making a plan. The whole point of coming here, the whole point of Exosphere, the whole point of learning Spanish, meeting people, everything--was part of the adventure of just doing something more spontaneous and testing my own confidence in myself to achieve what I want to do.

For me, that is making music. The very idea of going back to regular habits of work and worrying about plans makes me cringe because it contradicts everything that drove me here. It's quite an emotional subject for me, actually. I've had this sense of urgency building inside me for the last couple of years. It came to a head when I bought my plane ticket. Leaving the country was like a rite of passage. I needed to go. I needed a change. I needed to finally do what I fucking wanted: Create and turn imagination into reality.

PICTURED ABOVE: BURNINATING...EVERYTHING.

I never expected my lack of motivation upon arrival, although in hindsight I suppose I should have, seeing as it was such a time of upheaval for me. Now that I'm feeling more balanced again, I'm thinking about how I can create the reality I want. Ideas are flying around left, right and centre and to be perfectly honest I just can't decide on what I want to do most first. Now that I've tasted adventure, it's like a memory trigger for amnesia: I remember everything I've always wanted. Like I found the key to an old diary full of dreams that had been hidden away and long forgotten, and awakened the fire that had been in my heart from the very beginning.

Despite growing up with a mother that tried to convince me getting married and having a family was the ultimate end goal in life, I always knew I was destined for far more amazing things--to bend rules and break down boundaries. I became restless in my only long-term relationship. At the time I thought it was mostly because his ideals didn't match up with mine--or rather, those of my mother's--and in the back of my mind I resented that. But really what the biggest problem was for me is that he just didn't have passion; even less the confidence to act on it. 

I remember one time having something snap in my brain when he talked about wanting to buy a house one day--a concept which has always been something that has turned me off before I even understood why. I don't remember exactly how the argument went, but I remember blurting exasperatedly, "I don't want a fucking house, I want a -life-." Though I was dealing with a lot of PTSD at the time and didn't -look- like a motivated person, inside I still had all of those passions, dreams and goals even though I wasn't aware of what they were yet. He didn't. He told me he was happy to do what he liked doing just as a casual hobby, work at a job he could "tolerate," and live out his days in the same dinky retirement town that made my brain feel like it was fermenting with every additional second I stayed living there. Truly, it is a place where dreams go to die. Long story short (sort of), I moved to Vancouver upon inspiration from a friend, and we separated that year.

In Vancouver I worked inside a major department store in a natural health section for three and a half years. Honestly if it wasn't for my amazing staff I would have left far earlier, because that place reminded me of everything that was the opposite of what I valued. I looked at the ladies working as secretaries for 30+ years and thought to myself, "This couldn't possibly be what people strive to achieve. I mean, does anyone really say, 'When I grow up I want to be a department store manager'?" I swore the place always had a musty odor of death about it, what with the regular senior crowd that frequented there. But it wasn't the scent of rapid brain cell decay meeting my nostrils each morning that made me feel like I was working in a morgue; it was the energy there. I'd watch hordes old people get excited about getting once-a-month 10% discounts or get angry if they didn't and wonder--is this really what most people let their lives become?

SURPRISINGLY, I DID NOT MAKE THIS.

I would watch people shop for furniture with the bitter taste of disgust in my mouth. I have never wanted to have the kind of life where I would ever have to go shopping for fabric swatches. This was one of the same reasons I got fed up with the dance troupe I was a part of in Retirementville until I finally quit because of it--I just couldn't understand how anyone could be that apathetic or self-loathing to continue doing a 9-5 job that drove them crazy and the only thing they had that made them feel free was just treated as a hobby. Inevitably, they brought that compulsive need to have control to the group and it was impossible to ever have harmony amongst everyone during our militantly organized 3x/week schedule.

The point of mentioning all of this is to point out the huge contrast to the environment I'm in now. The game changed for me when I finally started to meet a new crowd in Vancouver. People that actually made sense, that gave a shit about something, and who also understood rules were irrelevant. I distinctly remember a moment of a conversation with one of my good friends from there, not long after we'd met. I was telling him the very same story about my frustration with ex-Unmotivating, and I'll never forget his perfect response: 

"So...what you really wanted was a co-explorer."

Never had a word rung more true in my mind before. "YES," I emphatically agreed. "Exactly." It was the word I had been missing all those years earlier that explained what I had always hoped to find: Someone who is just "crazy" enough to understand I was never actually crazy; who shares my rebellious, norm-breaking way of thinking; my affinity for silliness; my indescribable love for music (a necessity); who understands what having passion truly means...and who would be ready and willing to go have all sorts of amazing, spontaneous adventures with me. Most people would say those things seem crazy to want, but are they really? I don't think so. At least so says that idealist, "active romantic" part of me.

BEST QUOTE EVER.

So here I am now, not knowing what's going to happen next, and actually enjoying that fact for the first time in my life. I have always tried to plan and organize things myself because I believed that no one would ever care about what you care about as much as you do. But, if you're going to build something amazing, you can't do it yourself. You need a team, a support system if you will, so that you can focus your strengths and allow others to do the same. This is one of the important lessons Exosphere places emphasis on. This is what my next ongoing goal has become: To discover those people in my life that are going to help rocket things exponentially for all involved--who ARE "crazy" enough to take risks and come along for the adventure.

Travelling to Chile made me realize that contradictory to the tragically misinformed Little Me, there is so much more to see in the world and I remember now after all these years that I've always had the burning desire to see it. And with every passing day my determination to make music and creativity a permanent, prominent part of my life grows stronger. Now is the time to figure out how to do both of those things, and that will be the next story chapter. I don't know where I'm going to be, what I'm going to be doing, or who I'm going to be doing it with, but I have a strong sense that amazing opportunities are awaiting me and I have barely even scratched the surface of awesomeness. More and more great things to come. I can't wait. ^_^

xoxo, Me
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