It is time once again for me to quench my random urge to blog. It happens from time to time. I don't even have anything specific I wanted to write about, I just decided I should start typing and see what happens.
There has been a lot of change recently as per the norm of this year. Moved a second time, kind of out of nowhere. I'm not really sure what it is in my brain that makes these decisions, but I think it's mostly a way of challenging my own self to see what else I'm capable of dealing with. So far, I'm content with my decision. I still get the occasional wrench thrown in the way here and there, but it would seem that there hasn't been anything I can't bounce back from.
I've had Mom on my mind a lot lately and I'm not quite sure why. I don't even know if it's anything specific or if she's just trying to make me aware of something. I think part of it might be because something in the house reminded me of our old place. It's mostly terrible memories. But I also really miss her right now. Things happen from time to time where I really wish I had her reassurance.
I have to say though, this summer I have been increasingly happier than I have been in a longass time, and it feels good. I seem to be recovering from things quicker than I used to. Having active projects to work on really helps keep me going. Being able to regularly socialize these days has made a tremendous difference as well.
It's still lonely inside my head. And that's something that will still take a lot of work to overcome. I like feeling close to people, yet I'm afraid of getting there. I haven't let anyone close to me in a while now. I still think of the people that came in and out of my life earlier this year, and things like that seem to just make me pre-emptively worry about junk that my mind just makes up. I am afraid to tell people certain things sometimes, which is generally a rare occurrence for me.
When I start to think I might like someone, I freak out about it and try to deny it to myself as long as possible because I know what my brain does. I get easily distracted, and before I even realize what the hell is happening, my guard has already been down for a long while. I start reacting to things that previously wouldn't have bothered me and I become keenly aware of how vulnerable I am.
That happened a few months ago and I didn't even see it coming. Then all of a sudden everything disappeared. It's heartbreaking when you can pour your heart out to a person one day and then be afraid to speak to them the next. I always wonder what people are thinking. I shouldn't, but it seems I can't help always worrying about what the people I care about think of me. I am always doubting myself.
All I've ever wanted to do was make others happy, but it seems that I often just frustrate the ones that are closest to me because I often don't even know what's wrong. Myself most of all. Except I'm the only one who can't go anywhere. The ironic part of that is, I'm not the type of person who would leave in the first place.
I suppose none of this is really making much sense without the details. That's fine, most of my thoughts end up coming out like that. Right now I'm too tired to think much harder on it, I just needed to write. Perhaps I'll come back to this later.
Tata for now, kittens.
xoxo,
Me
PS - Adorable kitties. That is all.
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