Improbable.

Score 1 point for Tanya, who is apparently the only person who cared about my last post.

I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.

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I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.

My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.

Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.

I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.

Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.

I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.

Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?

I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.

I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.

I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.

That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:

"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"

xoxo,

Me <3