The Great Thunderstorm.

I started this post yesterday, then had to leave in the middle of it, so I'm going to copy what I started and then go from there.

****************************

Geez, no post in a week? Time to do some catch up. It's been busy though; I spent the past four nights dousing myself in glitter and going to the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. My bathroom counter and sink are covered in a silvery sheen that would probably soon become an extension of my mirror if I continued the habit any longer. In any case, I've already dreamed up an idea for a new number, so hopefully I can jump into the Vancouver burlesque community pretty soon. I miss performing!

I had a trial shift for the job I'm trying to get. It went well, I did a bunch of different things, but it's kind of chaotic in there so I'm sure there's a zillion other things I'd have to learn if I got the job. I'm supposed to hear back by tomorrow though, so I'm hoping I get a good response. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with surveying.

In other news...the screwed-up world of me is still...well, screwed up. I can feel on top of the world all I want when I go out and do exciting things...but it doesn't stop all the inside things from happening. I try to keep busy. It's the least I can do to distract myself. But really, I have to wonder how long this is actually going to take.

I keep thinking about people who suffer from long-term depression. If you've always had something to be upset about, is it really ever possible to recondition yourself completely? People say you can, but honestly, have they tried it themselves? I've tried to break free of my negative habits for years, and I don't think I've really gotten that far with it. Sure, progress happens...slow, sometimes agonizing progress...but how much is it really changing? No matter what I do and what new things I find happiness in, that tendency to think that my doom is near seems to always hang over my head like a thunder cloud, always waiting for the next opportune moment to strike me again.

I want off buttons. Sure, having such a robotic control of emotions would likely bring about the end of humanity. But there are just certain times when being able to stop thinking or feeling a certain thing would certainly be a giant help. Like right now. Right now would be a really excellent time for me to be able to turn some feelings off. And other ones back on. To get my head in the right place...or at least the place I was hoping I'd have it in at this stage in the game. Expectations are ridiculous. But people place an extremely high value on them. Why? Why can't I just be happy with what I've got thus far, instead of getting upset over what I haven't?

Which brings me back to the cloud. Damn you, cloud. Damn you anyways for fucking with me. I was born with a sunny heart, and you have made a shambles of her. You saw my pure intentions and that displeased you. My will was too strong to conquer, so instead you went for my emotions. She was innocent, and just wanted someone to share the sky with; that would compliment the light with a cool shade. Instead she got a thundercloud. A fucking dramatic, gloomy attention whore of a cloud. Even so, she always shines nonetheless, trying so hard to get the light through. But that just makes it try even harder to block her out. She might be able to get rid of it completely one day...but the damage left behind might not be as easy to hide.

**************************

That was as far as I got. I know there was more I wanted to add, but I was just so frustrated I couldn't really deal with thinking. But I'm sure you get the gist. I'm just so tired. So tired of things being as stupid as they are for so long. I don't really remember a time when they weren't, and it makes it all the harder to be able to switch over my way of thinking.

I went over to Aaron and Kat's yesterday for a meeting they put together for the models on debt counseling. It was pretty helpful, and it was also nice to just go and chat with people for a bit. Makes me feel a bit more normal now that I'm getting to know some people around here.

On the way home, I got to the bus stop to find out that it would be another 20 minutes until the next bus, which was pretty much the time it would take me to walk home, so I did that instead. As I walked, as usual I had music on, and of course when I do that it always reminds me of certain people.

At one point I felt like I wanted to cry about something, and my eyes watered a bit, but I kept myself distracted by music and the brisk air. I took some deep breaths. Couldn't get rid of it though. I was almost home when I flipped my freaking foot again. Four days in a row of wearing heels and I was fine...but I walk on flat ground in normal shoes and I hurt myself. Fuck. It always happens when I'm upset or distracted. In any case I'm fine, but I just thought it was stupid.

I came home and had nothing much to do, so I started poking around excel to see if I could work out some budget stuff. I went through a few things, and as the hours wore on I realized how incredibly fucked over my finances actually were. Bills I'd forgotten about. Bus money I would never have even if I got a new job, because the transit is so freaking expensive...and that's not even the half of it. There were so many things, it was just overwhelming. And then it happened.

I knew the day would come. I thought I was doing pretty good at avoiding it, and in fact almost thought I would be able to skip it entirely with the success I've had with distraction lately. I've been happy here, and find myself smiling in the weirdest places and occasions because of it. But I knew before I left that one one random night would come along where I would be caught off guard, and my wall would be broken down.

I started bawling my face off. Anything and everything that I could possibly be upset about all came rushing forward at once.

It was about 2:00am by this point, and I figured I'd send an email to Owen's work address so he'd get it by tomorrow. I started typing and trying to say everything I wanted to say, but my fingers didn't work as fast as I was thinking. So instead I called home. It took probably at least a half hour or so for me to calm down, and finally hung up the phone around three. I had a temporary solution, but it still didn't stop me from being angry at myself.

I'm significantly calmer now than yesterday, but the fact still remains. Some things I just do and never know why I do them. I turned my life upside-down, and what the hell for. Everyone knows moving doesn't help anyone's problems. And now I'm here, broke and broken. Sure it's great to be doing something new and different. But that doesn't do anything about the things that take up most of my concern.

I know, I must sound like a terrible pessimist. Or at least some people might think so. (*Raises eyebrow* ...Yeah.)

But really, the truth is, I have been happy, and I'm glad about that. It's just that it's been really hard adjusting to everything. And I don't just mean moving and getting used to a new place and way of living and all that junk. I just really mean everything, like, in general. When I was walking home last night I was like, shit...I'm not in a place anymore that if I'm ridiculously upset in the middle of the night I don't just have a friend's house a few minutes away to walk to and have some company and a way to calm down. I have no company. I talk to people through my computer for the most part; I save my phone card minutes for when I need them.

There's just not a lot going on to keep my confidence in myself up these days. I'm just kind of in the midst of an 'everything is falling apart' stage, which cannot seem to go by any slower...and I need some kind of moral support, but most of the people who can offer me that are in another city. I guess the point of this experience is to find it in myself, but really, I'm so fucking tired of that. Either way, all I can do is keep living, and see what happens.

Anyhoo, I'm sure I could go on typing forever. But I talk about this all the time, and every time. And right now, I just really want to go to bed.

I didn't hear back from that job thing yet. I think I might give them a ring tomorrow to see what they thought of me, just for the heck of it.

I'll update the news of that as I have it, along with all the other things I'm sure I'm forgetting in this entry...even though it ended up being double the length it was supposed to be, now that it is filled with two days worth of thoughts instead of one.

...

Bah. Mind blank.

I can't wait to get back to dancing again. Is it wrong that I love the adoration I get only when half-naked? From people that would probably just ignore me otherwise? Maybe...but I love it anyway, so fuck it.

xoxo,

Me