Dear You,
I've been feeling rather positive lately, despite the fact that random very shitty things have been happening too. Like being audited, having my living support held until the freaking thing is done, and oh yeah, not entirely passing my transcription exam. I got freaking 100% on my objective portion, but only 78% on my transcription portion. An 85% is considered a pass. You have to get above 85% on both portions to pass the course. Laaaaaaame. I don't even want to do this any more, but I freaking have to, because they're going to follow up on whether or not I get a job from it. Ballllls. Ugh, I just want it to go away already!
I am excited about going to Winnipeg, which is now hardly a little over a week away. Sadly, I only got a response from a couple people and will hardly get to do any visiting. :( So instead, I plan to fill my time going out and doing things. I'll probably be going to a few fringe shows and hanging around there. Oh well. Sometimes strangers are more fun to hang around anyway. But still, it makes me sad.
I get so frustrated with myself. My feelings tend to just happen without warning, and I don't know why.
Today I was wandering around at work and on break, and found myself grinning for no reason whatsoever. This is a good thing, but I have no clue what I was even happy about. Granted, I am glad that I have been able to feel more positive and liberated lately.
I dyed my hair a ridiculously bright colour and got so nervous last night about what would happen when I went in to work. It even kept me awake and made me angry. However, much to my pleasant surprise today, the ladies that were there liked it. Now I just have to hope that the owner likes it too. :S
On this topic, I've been seriously considering making a public protest about workplaces that discriminate against alternative looks such as tattoos, piercings and hair colour. I'm deadly serious. But I haven't figured out my game plan yet. More on that later. I want to take some time and think about it when my brain is rested.
Speaking of which, I'd better head to bed before I screw my schedule over for yet another day. I wasn't really done explaining myself, but there's always tomorrow.
Xoxo, Your effed up friend,
Sheeyan.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
The Music Man.
Today was the end of another day selling vitamins, and my mood had been kind of here and there the last couple days. I was able to visit Owen yesterday, which was nice, but due to poor planning, was only able to hang out for one evening instead of longer if I had just made the visit for the week after. So I was a little bummed that I didn't think about that, but the last couple of weeks has kind of been a busy blur so I ended up missing it completely in my mind.
We have to charge HST on things at work now. It totally blows having to ask people for more money when all they're doing is trying to take care of themselves. It's kind of a downer. The way our computer system works, how we did it before was manually take off PST...now that it's changed, it totally just feels wrong not taking that tax off anymore. Especially considering that most of our customers are seniors and a lot of other people that can barely afford supplements as it is. People like me, too. Though I am extremely lucky to get a really good discount on my stuff. Even so, it's hard to get everything you need.
Anyway. I had an interesting moment today.
Due to the reason above, I've felt a less-than-happy vibe at work the last couple of days. It's been slow, and getting used to the new way of doing things feels weird. Near the end of today, I was getting ready to close and decided to buy a last minute maca bar for a pick-me-up. Mmmm, delicious adaptogen. By the time I did this, it was already a minute after 6 p.m. and I had to get things done. I saved about half my bar for the bus ride home, so that I could just sit down, do nothing and just enjoy it in some kind of pseudo-relaxing moment.
I got on the bus, and of course there was one person in each double seat in the first two-thirds of it, as per the public transit world's usual antisocial fashion. Normally I don't care and sit beside someone anyway, but I decided that I could use some stretching space and decided to brave the sideways seats at the back of the bus instead. I generally hate these seats because the jerking of the bus bothers my neck from the sideways angle, but I got an end spot next to some plexiglass (or whatever it is) to lean on so I was okay.
As I walked to the back, I didn't pay much attention to the people in the front seats. I was tired, and had been mysteriously sore the last couple of days and just wanted to get off of my feet. I sat down and munched, although I was a little disappointed at the lack of water I had left to wash it down with. The day before I'd forgotten my water bottle at work, so I only had half of it to last me the entire day today. Of course right at this moment I just happened to feel ridiculously thirsty.
Since there wasn't anything I could do about it at this point, I decided to ignore this annoyance and just listened to my music. When I had gone on my lunchbreak earlier today, I started listening to Muse, because I wanted to get back to choreographing the number I want to do to Uprising. When I'm choreographing or doing other such creative processes, I'll often listen to a song over and over zillions of times and visualize what I want to do with the music in my head. Often I'll just listen to it consciously and concentrate the first several times, then I kind of just let it blend into the background and let my subconscious work it out for me while I zone out.
Which is precisely what I continued doing on the bus, since I was tired and wasn't really up to paying that much attention or thinking that hard anyway. I started staring off into space, and shortly into the bus ride, I saw something that immediately refocused my attention.
The first thing I saw was an open notebook or binder of sorts, with a separate notepad on which the passenger was writing. I was about to glance away and continue staring into space when I realized what it was. It wasn't a notepad. It was a sheet music book. The page was filled with a little less than half a page of music written on it. I became instantly transfixed and stared intently at the page.
The owner of said book was a younger man with sandy blonde hair. I couldn't really tell his age, as from where I was sitting I could only see part of his profile. But he reminded me a little of someone I knew. Noticing the music in the notebook and the fact that he was writing it happened almost instantaneously, and somewhere inside of me, an excited little girl's heart danced when I saw it.
I became fully absorbed in what he was doing, and probably stared in that direction for probably 98% of the rest of the trip home. What was he writing? I wasn't close enough to be able to read the title on the page. Was he composing something? He also was wearing noise-cancelling earphones hooked up to some kind of mp3 player that was sitting on top of his books. He wrote down a few notes, stopped to think, erased a couple of notes, and rewrote them again. By the look of his books and the fact that he had a knapsack with him, I figured he must be a music student. I wondered if his homework was to write out the notes to a particular piece of music.
I don't know if anyone on the bus noticed me looking at him, but I felt an overwhelming joy through staring at that piece of paper. Music notes were scattered about, and it looked so beautiful. I wondered what it sounded like. Here, on this piece of paper, was a precursor to sound; it may not mean much to a lot of people just on paper, but when transformed into music, it had the power to bring about feelings of euphoria. It was almost mystical just watching it be created. Whether it was a piece of new music, or the notes of old music being rediscovered, I found it absolutely fascinating.
I cursed my inability to ever immediately remember what notes were what, though I'm not sure I could have read it anyway since I was further away. I've seen countless pages of music since I was little, but since I mostly play by ear, I've never properly ingrained it in my head how to read it. I do the same thing every time I pick up my guitar tab book. I know what I'm playing when I look at it, but probably only by memory. When I haven't played for a long time sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember what I'm looking at. What was on that paper could very well have been a symphony or a pop song, but not knowing what it was almost made it all the more magical to watch.
I eagerly waited for the piece of paper to be written on again, and only a couple of times on the bus ride did I see the pencil touch the paper. I later noticed that it was because the writer had begun to doze off on the bus (or was at least trying to), and was nodding away. I realized why they call it "nodding off," as I watched him start to slowly fall forward, then involuntarily jerk back up repeatedly. Sometimes when the bus wiggled more than usual he'd blink a few times and almost return to the conscious world, and then start drifting off again. I've done that on particularly sleepy bus rides before. It's quite annoying when you feel so relaxed, and then that little jerk-reaction keeps waking you back up and reminding you that you are on public transit, and shouldn't really be letting yourself fall fully asleep lest you should miss your stop.
Just as a side note, some of you may be wondering why I'm writing down the details of this half-asleep young man on the bus. I don't often mention it, but I tend to be quite observant of what people around me are doing, especially when I'm by myself and have nothing better to concentrate on. I find human beings quite enthralling at times, and I often enjoy watching what they're doing in these little moments. It's quite neat actually.
I've mentioned before how I often imagine/fantasize about my life being a grand scale movie or play as I'm going about my business and all the strangers around me are extras passing through. Sometimes if you're lucky and you can catch the right moment, you get to see a bird's eye view of other people's life theatre; only this time, you're an extra in their play of life. From your point of view though, you're a spectator. In this case, Music Writing Guy didn't know I was there. But to me, it felt like I was watching a movie. Every time I have a moment like this, it reminds me of what I love about life, and it is all the more exciting when I get to watch other people involve themselves in those things. Like music. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway, a part of me really wanted to leap out of my seat, skip over to where he was sitting and start asking a bunch of annoying questions: "What are you writing? What's it for? Oooh, can I see? Where are you going to school? What program are you taking? What is it like there? etc., etc., etc." I kept debating it, except for the previously mentioned anti-social seating pattern in the bus, and that the seat directly in front of him was occupied. It's kind of awkward to turn around and talk to someone when you're sharing a seat with a stranger, and holding on to a couple of bags while sitting sideways.
Besides, he was sleeping, and I had no clue if his music was still playing either. I wasn't feeling that up to raising my voice to get his attention on an otherwise silent bus. I don't usually mind drawing attention to myself, but when a busload of strangers doesn't know what the purpose of my actions are, it would probably just appear to them that I'm trying to flirt, especially if they had noticed me staring intently in his direction the entire time.
Two stops before I had to get off, the girl sitting in front of him finally got off the bus. I was annoyed that it happened only then, because it was hardly enough time to have a decent conversation even if I did go over there. I hesitated, but since I was still preoccupied with staring at his piece of paper, I decided I'd leave him to peaceful sleep. I tried to think if I've ever seen his face on this route before (at least what I figured his face looked like from where I was) and wondered if he was on this bus regularly, and if I'd see him on here, writing again, perhaps even on the same day and time in the future. It may or may not have been a good idea, but I decided not to go talk to him this time, and I was okay with that; I got this odd feeling as if I might just be fated to see him on the bus again...maybe sometime soon, maybe a long time from now. Who knows.
It was an interesting moment I had on the bus--an unexpected, but very involved half-hour moment. Seeing that music and someone more or less my age writing it out was inspiring to me, especially with my recent thoughts about going to music school. It's moments like this that remind me why I want to do what I want to do. It's such an invigorating and gratifying feeling...one that reminds you that yes, there is a method to your madness, and yes, there is a good reason to work toward what it is you're after, even if your goals may sound completely and utterly insensible right now: because you're passionate about it. When it comes down to it, that's all that really matters.
Today at work, I was chatting to one of our friendly regulars when a couple of people she knew came in. One was a younger girl who briefly mentioned she had taken a musical theatre program. Instantly I knew it was the one at Capilano University, because I had been browsing their programs on their website and was keen on two programs in particular, that being one of them. I knew it was Capilano because they said it was the only program of its kind on the West Coast.
I thought it was interesting that these two events happened coincidentally on the same day. Perhaps these are little signs for me pointing me in the right direction. Who wants 10 years of science classes anyway? I could hardly hold my attention for one year of a transcription course. When your heart's not there, there's just no point. Granted, I am passionate about naturopathic medicine, but when it comes down to what really inspires me, moves me and keeps me going day to day, it always comes back to music.
If/when I do see the music man again, I'll be sure to ask him my questions. If not him, it will be someone else. Either way, I think this experience is trying to tell me to take a hint, and just go pursue my passions already. I'm quite excited by the idea actually. Personally, I couldn't imagine anything better to look forward to right now.
We have to charge HST on things at work now. It totally blows having to ask people for more money when all they're doing is trying to take care of themselves. It's kind of a downer. The way our computer system works, how we did it before was manually take off PST...now that it's changed, it totally just feels wrong not taking that tax off anymore. Especially considering that most of our customers are seniors and a lot of other people that can barely afford supplements as it is. People like me, too. Though I am extremely lucky to get a really good discount on my stuff. Even so, it's hard to get everything you need.
Anyway. I had an interesting moment today.
Due to the reason above, I've felt a less-than-happy vibe at work the last couple of days. It's been slow, and getting used to the new way of doing things feels weird. Near the end of today, I was getting ready to close and decided to buy a last minute maca bar for a pick-me-up. Mmmm, delicious adaptogen. By the time I did this, it was already a minute after 6 p.m. and I had to get things done. I saved about half my bar for the bus ride home, so that I could just sit down, do nothing and just enjoy it in some kind of pseudo-relaxing moment.
I got on the bus, and of course there was one person in each double seat in the first two-thirds of it, as per the public transit world's usual antisocial fashion. Normally I don't care and sit beside someone anyway, but I decided that I could use some stretching space and decided to brave the sideways seats at the back of the bus instead. I generally hate these seats because the jerking of the bus bothers my neck from the sideways angle, but I got an end spot next to some plexiglass (or whatever it is) to lean on so I was okay.
As I walked to the back, I didn't pay much attention to the people in the front seats. I was tired, and had been mysteriously sore the last couple of days and just wanted to get off of my feet. I sat down and munched, although I was a little disappointed at the lack of water I had left to wash it down with. The day before I'd forgotten my water bottle at work, so I only had half of it to last me the entire day today. Of course right at this moment I just happened to feel ridiculously thirsty.
Since there wasn't anything I could do about it at this point, I decided to ignore this annoyance and just listened to my music. When I had gone on my lunchbreak earlier today, I started listening to Muse, because I wanted to get back to choreographing the number I want to do to Uprising. When I'm choreographing or doing other such creative processes, I'll often listen to a song over and over zillions of times and visualize what I want to do with the music in my head. Often I'll just listen to it consciously and concentrate the first several times, then I kind of just let it blend into the background and let my subconscious work it out for me while I zone out.
Which is precisely what I continued doing on the bus, since I was tired and wasn't really up to paying that much attention or thinking that hard anyway. I started staring off into space, and shortly into the bus ride, I saw something that immediately refocused my attention.
The first thing I saw was an open notebook or binder of sorts, with a separate notepad on which the passenger was writing. I was about to glance away and continue staring into space when I realized what it was. It wasn't a notepad. It was a sheet music book. The page was filled with a little less than half a page of music written on it. I became instantly transfixed and stared intently at the page.
The owner of said book was a younger man with sandy blonde hair. I couldn't really tell his age, as from where I was sitting I could only see part of his profile. But he reminded me a little of someone I knew. Noticing the music in the notebook and the fact that he was writing it happened almost instantaneously, and somewhere inside of me, an excited little girl's heart danced when I saw it.
I became fully absorbed in what he was doing, and probably stared in that direction for probably 98% of the rest of the trip home. What was he writing? I wasn't close enough to be able to read the title on the page. Was he composing something? He also was wearing noise-cancelling earphones hooked up to some kind of mp3 player that was sitting on top of his books. He wrote down a few notes, stopped to think, erased a couple of notes, and rewrote them again. By the look of his books and the fact that he had a knapsack with him, I figured he must be a music student. I wondered if his homework was to write out the notes to a particular piece of music.
I don't know if anyone on the bus noticed me looking at him, but I felt an overwhelming joy through staring at that piece of paper. Music notes were scattered about, and it looked so beautiful. I wondered what it sounded like. Here, on this piece of paper, was a precursor to sound; it may not mean much to a lot of people just on paper, but when transformed into music, it had the power to bring about feelings of euphoria. It was almost mystical just watching it be created. Whether it was a piece of new music, or the notes of old music being rediscovered, I found it absolutely fascinating.
I cursed my inability to ever immediately remember what notes were what, though I'm not sure I could have read it anyway since I was further away. I've seen countless pages of music since I was little, but since I mostly play by ear, I've never properly ingrained it in my head how to read it. I do the same thing every time I pick up my guitar tab book. I know what I'm playing when I look at it, but probably only by memory. When I haven't played for a long time sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember what I'm looking at. What was on that paper could very well have been a symphony or a pop song, but not knowing what it was almost made it all the more magical to watch.
I eagerly waited for the piece of paper to be written on again, and only a couple of times on the bus ride did I see the pencil touch the paper. I later noticed that it was because the writer had begun to doze off on the bus (or was at least trying to), and was nodding away. I realized why they call it "nodding off," as I watched him start to slowly fall forward, then involuntarily jerk back up repeatedly. Sometimes when the bus wiggled more than usual he'd blink a few times and almost return to the conscious world, and then start drifting off again. I've done that on particularly sleepy bus rides before. It's quite annoying when you feel so relaxed, and then that little jerk-reaction keeps waking you back up and reminding you that you are on public transit, and shouldn't really be letting yourself fall fully asleep lest you should miss your stop.
Just as a side note, some of you may be wondering why I'm writing down the details of this half-asleep young man on the bus. I don't often mention it, but I tend to be quite observant of what people around me are doing, especially when I'm by myself and have nothing better to concentrate on. I find human beings quite enthralling at times, and I often enjoy watching what they're doing in these little moments. It's quite neat actually.
I've mentioned before how I often imagine/fantasize about my life being a grand scale movie or play as I'm going about my business and all the strangers around me are extras passing through. Sometimes if you're lucky and you can catch the right moment, you get to see a bird's eye view of other people's life theatre; only this time, you're an extra in their play of life. From your point of view though, you're a spectator. In this case, Music Writing Guy didn't know I was there. But to me, it felt like I was watching a movie. Every time I have a moment like this, it reminds me of what I love about life, and it is all the more exciting when I get to watch other people involve themselves in those things. Like music. Do you know what I mean?
Anyway, a part of me really wanted to leap out of my seat, skip over to where he was sitting and start asking a bunch of annoying questions: "What are you writing? What's it for? Oooh, can I see? Where are you going to school? What program are you taking? What is it like there? etc., etc., etc." I kept debating it, except for the previously mentioned anti-social seating pattern in the bus, and that the seat directly in front of him was occupied. It's kind of awkward to turn around and talk to someone when you're sharing a seat with a stranger, and holding on to a couple of bags while sitting sideways.
Besides, he was sleeping, and I had no clue if his music was still playing either. I wasn't feeling that up to raising my voice to get his attention on an otherwise silent bus. I don't usually mind drawing attention to myself, but when a busload of strangers doesn't know what the purpose of my actions are, it would probably just appear to them that I'm trying to flirt, especially if they had noticed me staring intently in his direction the entire time.
Two stops before I had to get off, the girl sitting in front of him finally got off the bus. I was annoyed that it happened only then, because it was hardly enough time to have a decent conversation even if I did go over there. I hesitated, but since I was still preoccupied with staring at his piece of paper, I decided I'd leave him to peaceful sleep. I tried to think if I've ever seen his face on this route before (at least what I figured his face looked like from where I was) and wondered if he was on this bus regularly, and if I'd see him on here, writing again, perhaps even on the same day and time in the future. It may or may not have been a good idea, but I decided not to go talk to him this time, and I was okay with that; I got this odd feeling as if I might just be fated to see him on the bus again...maybe sometime soon, maybe a long time from now. Who knows.
It was an interesting moment I had on the bus--an unexpected, but very involved half-hour moment. Seeing that music and someone more or less my age writing it out was inspiring to me, especially with my recent thoughts about going to music school. It's moments like this that remind me why I want to do what I want to do. It's such an invigorating and gratifying feeling...one that reminds you that yes, there is a method to your madness, and yes, there is a good reason to work toward what it is you're after, even if your goals may sound completely and utterly insensible right now: because you're passionate about it. When it comes down to it, that's all that really matters.
Today at work, I was chatting to one of our friendly regulars when a couple of people she knew came in. One was a younger girl who briefly mentioned she had taken a musical theatre program. Instantly I knew it was the one at Capilano University, because I had been browsing their programs on their website and was keen on two programs in particular, that being one of them. I knew it was Capilano because they said it was the only program of its kind on the West Coast.
I thought it was interesting that these two events happened coincidentally on the same day. Perhaps these are little signs for me pointing me in the right direction. Who wants 10 years of science classes anyway? I could hardly hold my attention for one year of a transcription course. When your heart's not there, there's just no point. Granted, I am passionate about naturopathic medicine, but when it comes down to what really inspires me, moves me and keeps me going day to day, it always comes back to music.
If/when I do see the music man again, I'll be sure to ask him my questions. If not him, it will be someone else. Either way, I think this experience is trying to tell me to take a hint, and just go pursue my passions already. I'm quite excited by the idea actually. Personally, I couldn't imagine anything better to look forward to right now.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Methods of distraction.
I keep opening this page and staring at it, knowing I have 100 things to say, but not having a damn clue what to write on here.
There are certain things that I feel every single day, that I really can't put into words to describe. So far, the closest thing I've come to explanation is through music, which I am listening to almost every waking hour to keep myself sane. There is so much emotion at stake in Beethoven's works. As I listen, I can feel every note...and can imagine what kind of things you must be feeling to write music like that. Everything corresponds to something I'm experiencing as well. If I could put my thoughts and feelings into words right now, it would come out sounding something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqSulR9Fymg
(Listen to the whole thing or don't bother clicking.)
So yeah. I don't really have much I can add to that. If you can feel it, it pretty much speaks for itself. Different pieces I listen to can correspond with different moods or feelings, but this movement always resonates very strongly with me.
**************
And now for something a bit on the lighter side. I realized that my two favourite fictional heroes are quite the opposite on the outside:
Link, from Zelda
L, from Death Note
(This pic was originally 90 degrees to the left, I turned it because I like the way his face looks better this way...this pic is effing gorgeous but I cannot find the artist's name! Do note that he doesn't actually have angel wings, but is often portrayed with them by fan artists.)
Let's compare, yes?
Link: Blonde.
L: Black hair.
Link: Pointy ears.
L: Pointy hair.
Link: Always in a tunic or something green.
L: Always in a white shirt and blue pants.
Link: Always has boots on.
L: Always barefoot. I have never seen his character in shoes once.
Link: Stabs you with a sword.
L: Stabs you with his intellect.
Link: Never eats. (Potions don't really count.)
L: Is eating something sugary pretty much constantly.
And of course, the Sheeyan appeal...other than the fact that I want both of their hairstyles:
Link: His sweet elf earrings.
L: One word: Guyliner.
And now, similarities:
1. They're both altruistic and sacrifice their lives to save the world.
2. Both are trying to restore harmony to the world.
3. Either of their background stories (ie: What they're trying to resolve) are immersed in or based on spirituality/religion or otherworldly forces.
4. They're both pretty much loners, and;
5. Neither seems to have more than one person they 'trust', since...
6. Someone (who is trying to take over the world in one way or another) is always trying to kill them indirectly.
7. Neither ever seem to sleep.
8. Though for different reasons, neither one has a love life.
9. I did mention this already, but...SEXY HAIR!!! I so seriously want to steal their awesome hair. I know it's a retarded girly thing, but I can't help being envious nonetheless. ;)
After a bit of ponderment, I think, if I could be a video game or animated character of some kind, I would have to marry one of the two (you know, depending on what universe I ended up in) just on principle. I just adore their characters way too much.
**************
I realize this is a random entry, but oh well. I may have had more to add to the above but I can't really think of what it was, so if I remember I'll add it later.
I'm tired (as usual) and burnt out (as usual). I could spend more time ranting (you know I would), but I should get to bed.
**************
Blog Saved!
...Continue?
Yes
No <--
**************
Goodnight, my darlings.
xoxo,
Me
There are certain things that I feel every single day, that I really can't put into words to describe. So far, the closest thing I've come to explanation is through music, which I am listening to almost every waking hour to keep myself sane. There is so much emotion at stake in Beethoven's works. As I listen, I can feel every note...and can imagine what kind of things you must be feeling to write music like that. Everything corresponds to something I'm experiencing as well. If I could put my thoughts and feelings into words right now, it would come out sounding something like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqSulR9Fymg
(Listen to the whole thing or don't bother clicking.)
So yeah. I don't really have much I can add to that. If you can feel it, it pretty much speaks for itself. Different pieces I listen to can correspond with different moods or feelings, but this movement always resonates very strongly with me.
**************
And now for something a bit on the lighter side. I realized that my two favourite fictional heroes are quite the opposite on the outside:
Link, from Zelda
L, from Death Note
(This pic was originally 90 degrees to the left, I turned it because I like the way his face looks better this way...this pic is effing gorgeous but I cannot find the artist's name! Do note that he doesn't actually have angel wings, but is often portrayed with them by fan artists.)
Let's compare, yes?
Link: Blonde.
L: Black hair.
Link: Pointy ears.
L: Pointy hair.
Link: Always in a tunic or something green.
L: Always in a white shirt and blue pants.
Link: Always has boots on.
L: Always barefoot. I have never seen his character in shoes once.
Link: Stabs you with a sword.
L: Stabs you with his intellect.
Link: Never eats. (Potions don't really count.)
L: Is eating something sugary pretty much constantly.
And of course, the Sheeyan appeal...other than the fact that I want both of their hairstyles:
Link: His sweet elf earrings.
L: One word: Guyliner.
And now, similarities:
1. They're both altruistic and sacrifice their lives to save the world.
2. Both are trying to restore harmony to the world.
3. Either of their background stories (ie: What they're trying to resolve) are immersed in or based on spirituality/religion or otherworldly forces.
4. They're both pretty much loners, and;
5. Neither seems to have more than one person they 'trust', since...
6. Someone (who is trying to take over the world in one way or another) is always trying to kill them indirectly.
7. Neither ever seem to sleep.
8. Though for different reasons, neither one has a love life.
9. I did mention this already, but...SEXY HAIR!!! I so seriously want to steal their awesome hair. I know it's a retarded girly thing, but I can't help being envious nonetheless. ;)
After a bit of ponderment, I think, if I could be a video game or animated character of some kind, I would have to marry one of the two (you know, depending on what universe I ended up in) just on principle. I just adore their characters way too much.
**************
I realize this is a random entry, but oh well. I may have had more to add to the above but I can't really think of what it was, so if I remember I'll add it later.
I'm tired (as usual) and burnt out (as usual). I could spend more time ranting (you know I would), but I should get to bed.
**************
Blog Saved!
...Continue?
Yes
No <--
**************
Goodnight, my darlings.
xoxo,
Me
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Things that don't grow on trees.
Okay, I'm angry again.
I've tried being happy with things the way they are. I really have. But one can only go for so long on so little without cracking at some point. This seems to be a regular occurrence for me. One that I really wish wouldn't happen, but does anyway. I'm trying to turn things around and make my destiny different. But that doesn't come without much turbulence.
I'm really fed up with this course and want it to be done already. I've been procrastinating doing my exam pre-assessment because I know how much I'll suck at it. I tried to do it today, just to get the fucking thing over with already since I am already behind for practicum...and I just couldn't do it. Couldn't understand a damn word past where I left off. Fucking fucks and their disrespect for the people that have to interpret their garbage reports. They may as well be talking with a hundred marshmallows in their mouths. If the dumb doctors are so busy, can't they just save us all time by hiring people to dictate? FUCK!
I'm going to call the school tomorrow and see what they recommend, because I've had it with this dumb course and just want it over as soon as possible. I mentioned a while back to my employment counselor that I may be moving, and she said she should be able to take care of things so that I don't have to deal with people "following up" with me for the next three months after the course is done, to see if I got a job out of their program. There's no such thing as programs made to benefit poor people. If they spend a precious dime--nay, penny--on you, they want to make sure you do something that pleases them with it, otherwise they want it back.
**********************
What else am I angry about? Hm...oh yes. My EI claim last year got audited and now the government is sending me letters about "discrepancies." While in Nanaimo a few days ago, I got a letter saying they didn't know I quit Sears last year and asked me why. I fucking HAD to quit, because Sears was retarded...they hired me at part-time ("18 hours max" they said), gave me full time, and then later refused to give me what was originally promised when it was time for me to start school, and legally had to work less than 20 hours a week.
Now I have to get a letter from the place that funded the course confirming the policy that I was required to work under less than 20 hours a week. But instead of just answering a simple request, Amber Education is going through my files and asking me questions about it. They started asking me things about whether or not I was under contract yet when my employer refused to cut my hours. Why in hell would I have recorded the date of such a conversation? I wasn't fucking asking them to go through my file and try to find preemptive ways of protecting their own asses. No one's ass is on the line here except mine, and ALL I was asking of them is to confirm what their policy was, not whether or not it applied to me on one date or another.
Then I talk to them yesterday and she asked me to send my request in writing by snail mail, and that "once they received it, they could review my files and make a decision about my request." It's all so fucking retarded. I wasn't even allowed to email it, I HAD to send it by regular mail. Because you know, it's not like I'm on a time constraint and I only have less than two weeks to forward my information back to HRSDC...OH WAIT, I AM. So yeah. That's causing undue stress.
Aside from the Sears ordeal, apparently there were also some discrepancies in things I claimed compared to things my employers claimed they paid me. This is most likely related to the fact that when reporting income online, they don't let you put ".5" hours of anything, so you have to round to the next nearest number. Also, they don't have anywhere on the online forms to report things like vacation pay, which apparently you also have to report.
The lady couldn't tell me if the difference was a positive or negative number, but just that it was a "small amount", and couldn't define it any more than that. Wtf does that even mean? "Small amount" means nothing without a definition. To me, it would mean 50 dollars or less...maybe even less than $100 at most. But who knows...maybe they're used to seeing cases where people owe thousands of dollars, and maybe a few hundred is a "small amount" to them.
I told her that I was on EI for 30 weeks, and that I barely make enough money to buy groceries; I sure as hell can't pay them back hundreds of dollars. I have to wait another few days for the mail to come to Nanaimo to see what this "small amount" is. Like I said, she couldn't tell me whether this was money I owed or was owed to me...I would love it if it was the latter, but I highly doubt that it is. >_>
Having to pay back money would really fuck me over right now, considering I can barely make ends meet to begin with, and I have a trip I'm trying to plan and save money for. I literally have to watch every penny I spend right now to save myself from going in the red over the next couple of months before I can build my income back up. Stupid fucking audit.
**********************
Now that I have a job, I can finally use Aaron and Kat's budgeting spreadsheet to plan things out a bit, and it is quite handy. What I'm trying to work out right now is how to get bills paid, groceries bought, busfare put aside, and still be able to save enough for my trip next month, which I am absolutely determined to do. When I say I literally have to watch every penny...I totally mean it. Even a couple bucks out in one place can put my funds in the negative. Things are doable as they are right now, and will be tight until about August or September, as it will take a few weeks to bounce back from my trip costs.
At least it will be that way if I work the same hours on my current job. The one bit of good news I can report today is that of the 6 resumes I sent out yesterday, I got calls for two interviews today. One is at a health store in Surrey, and the other is at a natural market in Maple Ridge. Both are about an hour and a half away by bus, which sucks, but if it's a job I'll enjoy I'm not too worried about that.
The one in Surrey pays $8 an hour plus 5% commission, which apparently "the way business is going now would end up being around $10 an hour." But I mean...it's in Surrey. So there's that. I have no idea what the one in Maple Ridge pays, but I am rooting more for that one just because, you know, it's not in Surrey. :P Both of the ladies I talked to from either place seemed nice though. I told the lady in Surrey that I work weekends and apparently she said it shouldn't be a problem. I mentioned to the lady in Maple Ridge that I work "near the end of the week" and she didn't say anything about it, although I also didn't specify which days.
I always get concerned because usually people are looking for someone to work weekends, and since I already got hired at a place that wants me to work on weekends, this makes finding a second job that much more annoying. I mean seriously...I understand why they might be harder to keep filled...but you just can't expect everyone to be able to work the exact same days as everywhere else. Anyway, I have my interviews for both of those places tomorrow. I'll have to weigh my options and see what will work best.
It's now more than ever that I'm thankful I have the specialization that I do. If I didn't have the knowledge base I did, I would probably still be trying to find a job, and most likely be back in Nanaimo being broke right now. I was really lucky to find the current job I have, with such wonderful people and a nice environment. When I went online job hunting on Sunday, I decided, you know what, this is what I do best, I may as well search specifically and only for jobs in that industry. I'm good at it anyway. Ordinary mall people don't want to hire me because I don't have the work history...and where I live, the malls would really be my only other option.
Luckily, when I went on craigslist I was able to find about a half-dozen job ads pertaining to natural health, which I think was a lucky coincidence. It's kind of why living in a metropolis is a good thing...because even in an industry where there are limited employers and even more limited (and experienced) potential employees, there is always a chance that somewhere in this giant city, there will probably be someone, somewhere looking to hire at any given time. Unlike Nanaimo, which now only has 4 health stores to work for; one that I already worked for and wouldn't go back to, one that is owned by a previous manager of mine that I *definitely* wouldn't go to, and two others that either rarely hire, or wouldn't hire me anyway.
Needless to say, I am glad my experience is getting recognized for once, and is yet another reason why I am quite enjoying being in Vancouver.
**********************
Dear lord, this entry is already huge, and I'm not even done complaining yet. >_> I guess that's why I shouldn't leave my entries for so long. But in all fairness, all of this was stuff that wasn't really bothering me excessively enough to write about until today.
I'm really upset with myself. I've tried to distract myself by looking into things that I enjoy doing, including being in this city...and it's worked a good degree for the most part, but then every so often I just find something or think about something or remember something....and all of a sudden I just remember why I'd like to stab myself in the heart sometimes.
It's fucking painful, and occasionally I find my mind drifting off and wondering if it would make any difference or not to the world around me if I wasn't alive. I should clarify. I don't mean suicidal thoughts. I just mean wondering about whether or not me existing in a person's life really makes any difference one way or the other. Not the nicest thoughts for myself, I know. But it tries to creep into my head every so often. I usually just beat it right the fuck back out again. In any case, it always makes me ponderous and curious about it. I know that I invest a hell of a lot more emotional energy toward the people I care about than I probably should. I also know that in many of those cases, I'm not as important to them as they are to me. And it's that realization that makes it hard to stave off depressive thoughts.
I like me as I am though, and I know that one of the things others like most about me is that I do care unconditionally (at least that's what the consensus seems to be). I will give someone my last piece of bread or last dollar in the bank. When someone becomes part of my life, I will care about them always, unless they do something extremely unforgiveable. And I'm pretty easy-going with that. There are friends that I have that sometimes I wonder why I continue to bother with them. But I do because I love them, and because hell...everyone slips up sometimes, I know I have, so who am I to hold that against someone?
What gets frustrating though is when I don't know what people think of me. My entire life I've had issues with getting accepted as my whole self, and not just liked for certain parts of it. So when I do find people that seem to understand me more or less, I devote all the more energy to them, because well, it's pretty hard for me to find them in the first place.
I am generally a very open and communicative person (as this, and most of my entries prove), and that can really be my bane at times, because a lot of people just aren't the same way. But what I have even more frustration with, is when *I* can't figure out what to say or how to say something to someone. I have certain conversations that have been brewing in my head for months, even years, to certain people, but I just can't get it out. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to just say something to someone. Well, no...I do know why. It's because I'm afraid of them. It's because I know that they have the power to damage me in a way that I can't easily recover from.
I get so concerned that anything I do or say can affect my relationships. It's even worse when I'm not entirely sure how much someone gives a crap in the first place. It's one thing to say something to someone and have them get upset at me about it. But it's far worse to say something to someone and have it not affect their lives at all. It just makes me feel like a ghost.
I wish I could say what I want to say more clearly. But I can't. I can't because yet again, I am protecting the feelings of the ones I care about before my own. But sometimes I wonder that if I keep putting myself last like this, if I will just wither away sooner rather than later....
I try to make a lasting impression on people that I know because I want them to remember that I love(d) them. But inevitably, there will always be people that it's just not meant to stick with. And you pass through their life like a falling leaf on a windy day. When I'm gone, you'll have to forget about me, because well, you just have to. It's just the way people are, and the way that life is. But I hate that part of it. I hate it so much. I don't want to just be a passerby. And that's why I'm so angry today. *sigh* ...But what's a girl to do? >_>
I wish I was an evergreen. Then I would never have to blow away.
I've tried being happy with things the way they are. I really have. But one can only go for so long on so little without cracking at some point. This seems to be a regular occurrence for me. One that I really wish wouldn't happen, but does anyway. I'm trying to turn things around and make my destiny different. But that doesn't come without much turbulence.
I'm really fed up with this course and want it to be done already. I've been procrastinating doing my exam pre-assessment because I know how much I'll suck at it. I tried to do it today, just to get the fucking thing over with already since I am already behind for practicum...and I just couldn't do it. Couldn't understand a damn word past where I left off. Fucking fucks and their disrespect for the people that have to interpret their garbage reports. They may as well be talking with a hundred marshmallows in their mouths. If the dumb doctors are so busy, can't they just save us all time by hiring people to dictate? FUCK!
I'm going to call the school tomorrow and see what they recommend, because I've had it with this dumb course and just want it over as soon as possible. I mentioned a while back to my employment counselor that I may be moving, and she said she should be able to take care of things so that I don't have to deal with people "following up" with me for the next three months after the course is done, to see if I got a job out of their program. There's no such thing as programs made to benefit poor people. If they spend a precious dime--nay, penny--on you, they want to make sure you do something that pleases them with it, otherwise they want it back.
**********************
What else am I angry about? Hm...oh yes. My EI claim last year got audited and now the government is sending me letters about "discrepancies." While in Nanaimo a few days ago, I got a letter saying they didn't know I quit Sears last year and asked me why. I fucking HAD to quit, because Sears was retarded...they hired me at part-time ("18 hours max" they said), gave me full time, and then later refused to give me what was originally promised when it was time for me to start school, and legally had to work less than 20 hours a week.
Now I have to get a letter from the place that funded the course confirming the policy that I was required to work under less than 20 hours a week. But instead of just answering a simple request, Amber Education is going through my files and asking me questions about it. They started asking me things about whether or not I was under contract yet when my employer refused to cut my hours. Why in hell would I have recorded the date of such a conversation? I wasn't fucking asking them to go through my file and try to find preemptive ways of protecting their own asses. No one's ass is on the line here except mine, and ALL I was asking of them is to confirm what their policy was, not whether or not it applied to me on one date or another.
Then I talk to them yesterday and she asked me to send my request in writing by snail mail, and that "once they received it, they could review my files and make a decision about my request." It's all so fucking retarded. I wasn't even allowed to email it, I HAD to send it by regular mail. Because you know, it's not like I'm on a time constraint and I only have less than two weeks to forward my information back to HRSDC...OH WAIT, I AM. So yeah. That's causing undue stress.
Aside from the Sears ordeal, apparently there were also some discrepancies in things I claimed compared to things my employers claimed they paid me. This is most likely related to the fact that when reporting income online, they don't let you put ".5" hours of anything, so you have to round to the next nearest number. Also, they don't have anywhere on the online forms to report things like vacation pay, which apparently you also have to report.
The lady couldn't tell me if the difference was a positive or negative number, but just that it was a "small amount", and couldn't define it any more than that. Wtf does that even mean? "Small amount" means nothing without a definition. To me, it would mean 50 dollars or less...maybe even less than $100 at most. But who knows...maybe they're used to seeing cases where people owe thousands of dollars, and maybe a few hundred is a "small amount" to them.
I told her that I was on EI for 30 weeks, and that I barely make enough money to buy groceries; I sure as hell can't pay them back hundreds of dollars. I have to wait another few days for the mail to come to Nanaimo to see what this "small amount" is. Like I said, she couldn't tell me whether this was money I owed or was owed to me...I would love it if it was the latter, but I highly doubt that it is. >_>
Having to pay back money would really fuck me over right now, considering I can barely make ends meet to begin with, and I have a trip I'm trying to plan and save money for. I literally have to watch every penny I spend right now to save myself from going in the red over the next couple of months before I can build my income back up. Stupid fucking audit.
**********************
Now that I have a job, I can finally use Aaron and Kat's budgeting spreadsheet to plan things out a bit, and it is quite handy. What I'm trying to work out right now is how to get bills paid, groceries bought, busfare put aside, and still be able to save enough for my trip next month, which I am absolutely determined to do. When I say I literally have to watch every penny...I totally mean it. Even a couple bucks out in one place can put my funds in the negative. Things are doable as they are right now, and will be tight until about August or September, as it will take a few weeks to bounce back from my trip costs.
At least it will be that way if I work the same hours on my current job. The one bit of good news I can report today is that of the 6 resumes I sent out yesterday, I got calls for two interviews today. One is at a health store in Surrey, and the other is at a natural market in Maple Ridge. Both are about an hour and a half away by bus, which sucks, but if it's a job I'll enjoy I'm not too worried about that.
The one in Surrey pays $8 an hour plus 5% commission, which apparently "the way business is going now would end up being around $10 an hour." But I mean...it's in Surrey. So there's that. I have no idea what the one in Maple Ridge pays, but I am rooting more for that one just because, you know, it's not in Surrey. :P Both of the ladies I talked to from either place seemed nice though. I told the lady in Surrey that I work weekends and apparently she said it shouldn't be a problem. I mentioned to the lady in Maple Ridge that I work "near the end of the week" and she didn't say anything about it, although I also didn't specify which days.
I always get concerned because usually people are looking for someone to work weekends, and since I already got hired at a place that wants me to work on weekends, this makes finding a second job that much more annoying. I mean seriously...I understand why they might be harder to keep filled...but you just can't expect everyone to be able to work the exact same days as everywhere else. Anyway, I have my interviews for both of those places tomorrow. I'll have to weigh my options and see what will work best.
It's now more than ever that I'm thankful I have the specialization that I do. If I didn't have the knowledge base I did, I would probably still be trying to find a job, and most likely be back in Nanaimo being broke right now. I was really lucky to find the current job I have, with such wonderful people and a nice environment. When I went online job hunting on Sunday, I decided, you know what, this is what I do best, I may as well search specifically and only for jobs in that industry. I'm good at it anyway. Ordinary mall people don't want to hire me because I don't have the work history...and where I live, the malls would really be my only other option.
Luckily, when I went on craigslist I was able to find about a half-dozen job ads pertaining to natural health, which I think was a lucky coincidence. It's kind of why living in a metropolis is a good thing...because even in an industry where there are limited employers and even more limited (and experienced) potential employees, there is always a chance that somewhere in this giant city, there will probably be someone, somewhere looking to hire at any given time. Unlike Nanaimo, which now only has 4 health stores to work for; one that I already worked for and wouldn't go back to, one that is owned by a previous manager of mine that I *definitely* wouldn't go to, and two others that either rarely hire, or wouldn't hire me anyway.
Needless to say, I am glad my experience is getting recognized for once, and is yet another reason why I am quite enjoying being in Vancouver.
**********************
Dear lord, this entry is already huge, and I'm not even done complaining yet. >_> I guess that's why I shouldn't leave my entries for so long. But in all fairness, all of this was stuff that wasn't really bothering me excessively enough to write about until today.
I'm really upset with myself. I've tried to distract myself by looking into things that I enjoy doing, including being in this city...and it's worked a good degree for the most part, but then every so often I just find something or think about something or remember something....and all of a sudden I just remember why I'd like to stab myself in the heart sometimes.
It's fucking painful, and occasionally I find my mind drifting off and wondering if it would make any difference or not to the world around me if I wasn't alive. I should clarify. I don't mean suicidal thoughts. I just mean wondering about whether or not me existing in a person's life really makes any difference one way or the other. Not the nicest thoughts for myself, I know. But it tries to creep into my head every so often. I usually just beat it right the fuck back out again. In any case, it always makes me ponderous and curious about it. I know that I invest a hell of a lot more emotional energy toward the people I care about than I probably should. I also know that in many of those cases, I'm not as important to them as they are to me. And it's that realization that makes it hard to stave off depressive thoughts.
I like me as I am though, and I know that one of the things others like most about me is that I do care unconditionally (at least that's what the consensus seems to be). I will give someone my last piece of bread or last dollar in the bank. When someone becomes part of my life, I will care about them always, unless they do something extremely unforgiveable. And I'm pretty easy-going with that. There are friends that I have that sometimes I wonder why I continue to bother with them. But I do because I love them, and because hell...everyone slips up sometimes, I know I have, so who am I to hold that against someone?
What gets frustrating though is when I don't know what people think of me. My entire life I've had issues with getting accepted as my whole self, and not just liked for certain parts of it. So when I do find people that seem to understand me more or less, I devote all the more energy to them, because well, it's pretty hard for me to find them in the first place.
I am generally a very open and communicative person (as this, and most of my entries prove), and that can really be my bane at times, because a lot of people just aren't the same way. But what I have even more frustration with, is when *I* can't figure out what to say or how to say something to someone. I have certain conversations that have been brewing in my head for months, even years, to certain people, but I just can't get it out. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to just say something to someone. Well, no...I do know why. It's because I'm afraid of them. It's because I know that they have the power to damage me in a way that I can't easily recover from.
I get so concerned that anything I do or say can affect my relationships. It's even worse when I'm not entirely sure how much someone gives a crap in the first place. It's one thing to say something to someone and have them get upset at me about it. But it's far worse to say something to someone and have it not affect their lives at all. It just makes me feel like a ghost.
I wish I could say what I want to say more clearly. But I can't. I can't because yet again, I am protecting the feelings of the ones I care about before my own. But sometimes I wonder that if I keep putting myself last like this, if I will just wither away sooner rather than later....
I try to make a lasting impression on people that I know because I want them to remember that I love(d) them. But inevitably, there will always be people that it's just not meant to stick with. And you pass through their life like a falling leaf on a windy day. When I'm gone, you'll have to forget about me, because well, you just have to. It's just the way people are, and the way that life is. But I hate that part of it. I hate it so much. I don't want to just be a passerby. And that's why I'm so angry today. *sigh* ...But what's a girl to do? >_>
I wish I was an evergreen. Then I would never have to blow away.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Improbable.
Score 1 point for Tanya, who is apparently the only person who cared about my last post.
I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.
***********************
I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.
My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.
Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.
I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.
Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.
I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.
Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?
I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.
I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.
I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.
That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:
"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"
xoxo,
Me <3
I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.
***********************
I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.
My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.
Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.
I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.
Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.
I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.
Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?
I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.
I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.
I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.
That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:
"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"
xoxo,
Me <3
Friday, May 28, 2010
Face the Music.
Again, due to the length and number of hours this took me, I have not bothered to edit, so my apologies.
Okay, let's see if I can remember where I left off. Oh yes.
I had a bit of company last weekend from Owen and the band as the boys passed through town on their mini-tour thing they did. It was really nice having some people around that I knew. After that, I visited my friend Bev, whom I have not seen since the 3rd (possibly 4th) grade. We had sushi at this really cool comic themed restaurant.
Okay, let's see if I can remember where I left off. Oh yes.
I had a bit of company last weekend from Owen and the band as the boys passed through town on their mini-tour thing they did. It was really nice having some people around that I knew. After that, I visited my friend Bev, whom I have not seen since the 3rd (possibly 4th) grade. We had sushi at this really cool comic themed restaurant.
I started thinking about tatoos, since I have to get one next month. I had this design I was planning, that was basically a heart with pistols pointing outward, with an arc of nautical stars and roses above it, kind of classic style. Then I was thinking about how I always wanted to get the Hylian crest, and pondered for a while if I should get that instead. I debated, since the spot for either of those two tattoos would only work around the same place. So I have to think about it. Here's a doodle concept I sort of made for the crest:
The little symbols on top are the symbols of the races of Hyrule. I added the Sheikah one because I didn't think it would be complete without it. There's other stuff I'd like to do with the design, like add texture, possibly make the Triforce glow...but that's something I'd want the artist's opinions on. I also thought of making this into a huge piece, with the Master Sword behind it, going down my side. I can never think of a small, simple tattoo design. It's always got to be this big, ridiculous, grandiose idea. :P I need more space on my body for all those ideas! Seriously though, the Master Sword thing would still be pretty epic.
Speaking of tattoos. I've had an interesting past few days. One of the girls from Morrismore has this beautiful tattoo of Beethoven and a piece of music on her arm. It is probably one of the single most amazing tattoos I've ever seen.
There's a point to me mentioning this. Seeing that tattoo recently put thoughts of Beethoven into my head. I don't remember if it was solely that, or that and something else, but the other day I decided to randomly search for the chorus project I did in grade 6. I got to sing the Ode to Joy, and Finale chorus of the 9th Symphony (a piece that has been a part of my life since very young) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. I cannot think of a single moment since then where I have experienced so much overwhelming joy in one day. Well, two. There were two shows.
Anyway. I know that some people recorded the performance. But none of those people, apparently, posted any of it on the internet. Upon searching the WSO in youtube though, I found a beautifully done tribute to Zelda, which, since I love the WSO, orchestra music, and Zelda, I was brought almost to tears (a couple may have slipped out. I don't remember.) There's just something about that theme that I find so much joy in. I've always felt an emotional connection to Zelda. It is, in fact, structured not-so-inconspicuously around spiritual principles. Plus, the story is so beautiful. How can you not love it? Anyway, getting off topic.
A related link (no pun intended) on that page, let me to find this. All I saw were the words "Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra" and "Manitoba High School Choirs", and I clicked, since it sounded suspiciously like the project I had done. It wasn't (obviously, it wasn't a high school project, and it was done years later), but what I found was a rendition of music that I recently remembered at Burlesque Fest. My new burlesque hero, Jenny Magenta, did an amazing and very emotionally dramatic number that used the piece O Fortuna. You may not recognize it by name. But you've all heard it. It's that piece they play in movies when something epic is about to happen. And that was the song that this choir did:
The little symbols on top are the symbols of the races of Hyrule. I added the Sheikah one because I didn't think it would be complete without it. There's other stuff I'd like to do with the design, like add texture, possibly make the Triforce glow...but that's something I'd want the artist's opinions on. I also thought of making this into a huge piece, with the Master Sword behind it, going down my side. I can never think of a small, simple tattoo design. It's always got to be this big, ridiculous, grandiose idea. :P I need more space on my body for all those ideas! Seriously though, the Master Sword thing would still be pretty epic.
Speaking of tattoos. I've had an interesting past few days. One of the girls from Morrismore has this beautiful tattoo of Beethoven and a piece of music on her arm. It is probably one of the single most amazing tattoos I've ever seen.
There's a point to me mentioning this. Seeing that tattoo recently put thoughts of Beethoven into my head. I don't remember if it was solely that, or that and something else, but the other day I decided to randomly search for the chorus project I did in grade 6. I got to sing the Ode to Joy, and Finale chorus of the 9th Symphony (a piece that has been a part of my life since very young) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. I cannot think of a single moment since then where I have experienced so much overwhelming joy in one day. Well, two. There were two shows.
Anyway. I know that some people recorded the performance. But none of those people, apparently, posted any of it on the internet. Upon searching the WSO in youtube though, I found a beautifully done tribute to Zelda, which, since I love the WSO, orchestra music, and Zelda, I was brought almost to tears (a couple may have slipped out. I don't remember.) There's just something about that theme that I find so much joy in. I've always felt an emotional connection to Zelda. It is, in fact, structured not-so-inconspicuously around spiritual principles. Plus, the story is so beautiful. How can you not love it? Anyway, getting off topic.
A related link (no pun intended) on that page, let me to find this. All I saw were the words "Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra" and "Manitoba High School Choirs", and I clicked, since it sounded suspiciously like the project I had done. It wasn't (obviously, it wasn't a high school project, and it was done years later), but what I found was a rendition of music that I recently remembered at Burlesque Fest. My new burlesque hero, Jenny Magenta, did an amazing and very emotionally dramatic number that used the piece O Fortuna. You may not recognize it by name. But you've all heard it. It's that piece they play in movies when something epic is about to happen. And that was the song that this choir did:
Watch this. I mean it. I know I posted it on facebook, and if you didn't watch it there, watch it now. If you did watch it, watch it again. I'm serious. I full-on cried the first time I watched it.
Turn your lights off. All of them. Lay on your bed, or couch, or chair, or whatever. Sit if you have to, but I find laying down can open your senses to the sound more. Then play this piece. (Use this version when doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3zVJh6dB_4) Let it play, and feel it. If you have your own house, crank it. Trust me, it's worth it.
You can't listen to this piece without feeling the intense emotion in it. You can't listen to this piece without feeling something. I'm pretty sure even a robot would be moved by that. If you didn't listen to it just now, stop being a tool, take me seriously, and do it. Post comments for me on how you reacted.
The night I found this I immediately started playing it repeatedly, found the latin lyrics, and sang along (soprano...and let me tell you, those are glass-shatter worthy notes) until my voice was hoarse. I put it on my mp3 player and played it repeatedly when I went to bed. It successfully acted as a lullaby and I finally took out my headphones moments before I slept, the mp3 player nestled under the sheets beside me...a literal version of what I was thinking at that very moment...if nothing else, music will always be with me, everywhere I go.
The next day, I woke up and sang more O Fortuna, even did some singing warm-ups to help me do it. It felt so good. I remembered singing Ode to Joy. I decided to look that up, and found random pieces and versions on youtube. I decided to download it, and at the 4th try, found a really good version of it. After that, I started looking up other of Beethoven's pieces I remembered from my youth, that and perhaps one or two pieces from other composers that I loved. Or maybe that was the day after that I searched for them. I forget.
Anyway, all of the events that transpired reminded me about my passion for classical music, and I have been listening to Beethoven, specifically that 13 minute excerpt of the symphony, for the past few days. It has overwhelmed me with emotion...specifically of joy and passion of life. I cannot help but feel divine when listening to this music. I anticipate the teasing of the orchestra that is the 'build up' before the explosion of the chorus, and it never fails to bring tingles to my spine. That particular part of the chorus, the Ode to Joy, the most well-known part of the symphony, is like a musical orgasm...excitement builds up to it...you're enthralled, as you're caught in a brief moment of suspense...as you anticipate something amazing about to happen...and then it does. A culmination of all things beautiful in the universe...it only lasts less than a minute...but the feeling you get from being part of something so divine is a feeling that I have not yet found something of an equivalent magnitude to rival with.
Anyway, since then, I've dreamed up a bunch of ideas for musical inspired tattoos. I've decided I'd like to go with a tribal-style piano on my hip to start. (Which is good, I am lacking tattoo ideas for my lower half) I would later like to put part of the 9th symphony on me, I just haven't figured out where or how or how big.
I found a Beethoven movie I haven't seen, called Copying Beethoven. It wasn't the most historically accuate movie, but it was still good and had a lot of good quotes from it. Directly after watching, I started chatting to DR, and because of the mood I was in, I started writing in poetic/romantic type responses that I should have put here instead (I started this entry before I started chatting. That was hours ago. :P). Here are some things I said.
On my current state of mind:
Me: i wanna see people :(
i is teh lonely.
DR: Me too.
Me: completely unrelated to me talking about text penises. (Side comment: Don't ask.)
DR: Yup
Me: seriously though.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
DR: Yup me too.
Me: it's weird, i grew up thinking i was a feminist when i was a kid
now i feel incomplete without the presence of men.
like, friends even
i don't quite understand it
DR: Yup. Its just what were wired to want.
Especially after we've had it once.
Me: I'm not talking about sex.
I've always thought I needed to be somewhere in between
I'm not girly
but I like pretty things
I also like loud music, and dressing like a pseudo-tough person
like I'm trying to channel some other energy.
taking the beauty of both worlds?
DR: I'm not either. (In regards to my first sentence above.)
On my listening to classical music:
DR: Why though? Didn't know you were into that.
Me: dude, i've always been into that.
my grandma taught piano. my mom taught piano. i played piano when i was a kid. i was in band. I am all about music. anyway...
er, mom played piano. attempted to teach me.
anyway, upon looking for that, i found a video of a similar project the wso did with a youth choir to 'o fortuna'
one of the most beautiful choruses ever
it kind of snowballed from that. I remembered how much i loved that chorus and i looked that up to.
then i looked up more pieces of beethoven that i could remember. just became immersed in it. i'd forgotten how much i loved it.
DR: I see. Interesting.
Me: i downloaded 'o fortuna' and sang and sang it, nearly broke my voice because it's so much higher than i'm used to singing.
i downloaded a part of the 9th symphony and have been listening to that incessantly the past couple days
i've been dreaming up musical tattoo ideas
On tattoos, life passions, and how I react to the symphony:
DR: Why are you so into tatoos?
Me: i really want to get a tribal style piano for my next one now
and perhaps if i can convince the model to let me copy her idea, plan out how to put part of the 9th symphony on me :P
i think they're beautiful.
everything is a piece of art
even your body
you can show it how you like
i like to draw on it
it's like taking a part of your soul and putting it on your skin
at least that's what my tattoos are
DR: Since when though? You never used to like that kinds stuff.
Interesting way of looking at it.
Me: i never showed an active interest, doesn't mean i never liked it.
DR: I see.
Me: when i was a kid i always thought i'd get a tattoo someday
didn't think a lot of it though
what started everything, was green day
DR: I see
Me: five years ago, i bought my first eyeliner, plaid skirt, and studded belt.
i have been different ever since.
i am always looking for new ways to express myself
this year, i am all about doing things you're passionate about
DR: I see.
Interesting
Me: i think it's something that's always been manifesting, it just took someone to kick me in the butt to do something about it
but it's true
life isn't worth living if not for the things that you're passionate about
it's why i'm getting so into this music
a lot of things that come up with beethoven, especially in this movie, was a connection to god
there is so much emotion in his music
i listen to the symphony all day.
DR: I see.
Me: no matter where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm looking at, if i'm in the bathroom, on the bus, anywhere...
DR: ?
Me: when that chorus starts up, i smile and feel full of love
it really is the ode to joy.
you can't listen to that without being overwhelmed
billie joe said a similar thing about an emotional song. there's just so much at stake...its really the only way you can look at music like that
i remember every word of the ode to joy (except one that i have to look up :P)
since i first learned it.
even though i haven't sung it in years
DR: I see.
Me: i want to practice with my voice again so that i can sing the soprano part i sung 13 years ago.
so i have just been overwhelmed with the beauty of the music.
plus, it helps me forget that i have no one
well, here
DR: Interesting
Me: when it plays, it's all you think about. it's all you need right in that moment.
here i am typing all this stuff when i should be putting it in my journal :P
DR: Haha. Just copy and paste! Lol.
Me: I will :P
DR: Good!
I think that about sums up a lot of my feelings in the last few days. I know I had more to explain, but this is getting long enough as it is. I may clarify other things later. But before I go, I wanted to share some quotes that I quite liked from this movie I watched.
"Dreams can be wonderful, they can also be dangerous. Sometimes all the more wonderful because of the danger."
"I'm a very difficult person, but I take comfort in the fact that God made me that way."
"The vibrations on the ear are the breath of God, speaking to man's soul. Music is the language of God. We musicians are as close to God as man can be. We hear his voice. We read his lips. We give birth to the children of God, who sing his praise. That's what musicians are. And if we're not that, we're nothing."
"Ugly. You think it's ugly. Of course it's ugly...But is it beautiful?"
"You can't have your head in the clouds unless there's shit on the soles of your boots!"
Anyways. In case you think this lengthy rant has made me forget about that exercise I told you to do, I haven't. Do it. Do it for the experience. I dare you to tell me you felt nothing. (Which if you do, I may have to sucker-punch the life back into you.)
I wanted to start this yesterday and hours later, went to bed with nothing to show for it. Now I've spent literally hours today thinking about what I want to write on here, and I've poured my heart and soul out, showing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings in a very elaborate, dramatic, and FREAKING LONG journal entry. So be a champ, and show your appreciation by commenting. What did my post make you think about? What did the music make you think about? What do you love? What music do you love?
If you give a half a damn about anything in the universe...anything at all, talk to me. I wanna know...I've gotten into an inspiration-themed mood. So at least humour me by telling me about something. If you don't want to leave a comment here, facecrack message me.
Come on, you read the part about me being alone here. I do need something to keep my mind stimulated. ;)
Much love to all.
(And if you're here, kudos for reading the whole thing. You're a trooper. Here, have some bonus points. :P Or if you enjoy Zelda, a new heart container.)
Dah-na-na-NAAAAAA!!!! (If you don't get the reference, You=Fail.)
/\/\
\..../ <---heart container?
..\/
xoxo,
Me <3 <3 <3
(Well, don't just stand there, go get those before they disappear! If you're feeling lazy, you can always use your hookshot or boomerang to get them for you. :P)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Work, yay! :D
Gah, how did I go from posting almost once a day, to like, a measly 3 posts so far this month? Teh laaame. But it's been busy and stuff. Burlesque fest, looking for work...and....more looking for work. I don't really know where the rest of the time went.
Good news though, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless, and today I got hired at a nutrition store in Sears. It's in Coquitlam, but it's only a 1/2 hour on the bus, so it's good. Seems like a nice place too, and really nice ladies work there. Plus, I start at $11 because I have experience, which is cool because that's better than I was expecting. And apparently after 3 months that gets reviewed. I also got this part time product demo thing, but I don't really know what kind of hours I'll be getting from that.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....I did have other news, but I always get distracted writing these things, and alas, it's time for bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow! :O
So today's post will be boring and pointless, but I'll try and finish tomorrow.
Tata my lovelies!!
xoxo,
Me
Good news though, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless, and today I got hired at a nutrition store in Sears. It's in Coquitlam, but it's only a 1/2 hour on the bus, so it's good. Seems like a nice place too, and really nice ladies work there. Plus, I start at $11 because I have experience, which is cool because that's better than I was expecting. And apparently after 3 months that gets reviewed. I also got this part time product demo thing, but I don't really know what kind of hours I'll be getting from that.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....I did have other news, but I always get distracted writing these things, and alas, it's time for bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow! :O
So today's post will be boring and pointless, but I'll try and finish tomorrow.
Tata my lovelies!!
xoxo,
Me
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