Overwhelmed and Under-hugged.

It would appear that I haven't blogged in just over a year. I kind of fell out of the habit. I did some video posts for a while, but my webcam sucks balls so I only ended up doing a few of those. It's not that the year hasn't been eventful (it has--oh boy, it has), I just haven't really had the energy up to this point to update things. However, recently I've just been getting the urge to write again. Sometimes when you have this much on your mind, the only efficient way to organize (if you can call this that) your thoughts is to write them out. Alas, here I go.

***

First of all, let's just brief everyone on the previous year. The year 2011 was an eventful year, building up to a lot of major changes in my life and the way I see things (and people).

The year started off just coming out of a major breakup. That relationship went on four and a half years, and was my first everything. Needless to say, adjusting to the separation was difficult for me, seeing as I've never had too many people in Vancouver that could help give me some sense of belonging. Friend visits still come rarely. Any time I became aware of any related news to my old life, it ripped open everything all over again. I'm a sensitive person. I can take a long time to deal with goodbyes.

There are many other random events that I dealt with that year, including a major freak out last March, when it seemed like everything built up and exploded. Incidentally it was also when the Japanese earthquake hit and I was a huge mess for several weeks after that until I just made myself calm the fuck down.

I've gone up and down with ponderments of school. Making plans, cancelling them, coming up with ideas, getting excited, then disappointed, etc. Finally at the end of the year, my vocal teacher set a goal with me. She was the first person to actually GET what I needed. She's a great person and very perceptive, and I love her for that.

I think that covers most important events for last year.

***

As the year was drawing to a close, I was actually feeling pretty confident about things and like things were on an upswing for once. I felt loved, and I was happy about having goals to work toward. I went to Winnipeg for a couple weeks in December and it was nice to see some good friends and family. Then January came. And pretty much instantaneously, everything went crazy and major changes flew at me out of nowhere.

I don't like changes. Specifically, many large ones in rapid succession. And it seems like in the past barely-over-two short weeks, I have not been able to catch a break. Starting exactly on January 1st, here are some of the fucktarded things that have happened so far....

1) I discovered that the one person that I thought I could always trust and who understood everything about me, apparently didn't. Despite a year and plus of explaining all of my year's pains in detail, somehow she didn't realize that those same things were still hurting me. Oh, and did I mention I even discussed them with her not two days before getting stabbed in the heart? Yeah.

After one long angry message, I haven't got up the nerve to talk to her again since, and I am still processing that and what to do. Although it has been very difficult not being able to talk to whom was once my best friend for the past ten years. But I feel like even if I do end up fixing things eventually it will be different, and I will never really be able to gain full trust back.

After this happened, and still up until now, I got an overwhelming amount of messages and responses from various people. It got to the point where my fingers were actually so tired that I requested people to phone me instead.

Some responses were very interesting. There were many caring, supportive and insightful responses. Although I did get a couple weird angry responses from people in regards to how I handle things. People blaming me for shit that I didn't have much control over, telling me to get over it, etc.

This just makes me sigh. For people that know me well enough by now, you know that I'm a very passionate person. Telling me to just learn how to be another way doesn't happen automatically. More importantly, when someone comes to you distraught, for the love of god and all that is holy, don't bitch at them back and make them feel like worse crap. That shit is stupid. When someone is upset, they need you there for them. They need love and support. Not "I told you so," or, "Grow a pair," type comments. Seriously people. Grow up or shut up.

(FYI: This is not about any one person or response, but various things, and not necessarily just pertaining to this event but other similar responses from things that have happened in the past.)

That said, I still do appreciate everyone's efforts and I know that intentions were, for the most part, meaning well. I do love each and every one of my friends and respect and appreciate all of their thoughts and feelings. And I understand that everyone deals with these kinds of things differently. But fyi, when it's me that's coming to you in tears, stressed/freaking out or whatever else--what I need are calming words. A hug. Y'know...something reassuring. I am not one that responds well to criticism when I'm already distraught.

I have anxiety/depression issues, ie: an extremely sensitive nervous system. You need to calm me down before anything positive can happen. Adding to it just makes my nerves go into overdrive and then I just get panic attacks or depressed waves and shit. Makes sense, yes? No one likes that. So now you know how you should deal with it. Please. For my health, and both of our sanity. Thank you.

There's more I have to say on my reactions to things and people's reactions to me, but that is another mega subject that I will leave until another blog post. Anyway.

I think this one main event was what put me in a distraught state that has made everything else since feel even more ridiculous than usual. Whenever I get really upset about something it just reminds me of everything else that I hate. Like...

2) I had a thought that went something like: "I don't know what to make of the world anymore, when the liars are telling me the truth, the ones who always told me the truth are lying to me, my best friends have become strangers, and strangers are my best friends."

This referring to the fact that one of the people I feel closest to these days is a secretive hider. It's something I've learned to deal with. But you know what? That person is there for me more consistently more than any other friend of mine in the entire past year, and has my greatest admiration and respect for it.

The second and third parts are self explanatory, mostly referring to the other incident above.

The fourth part is referring to how the people who aren't technically my friends have been better people to me than some of my closer friends. My vocal teacher and chiropractor are people that I regularly chat to and who give me a lot of kind and helpful words. They're fantastic people.

3) I'm having a school crisis again. Everyone I talk to gives me different advice, and it keeps changing my ideas of what I want to do, JUST when I think I've made a solid plan.

It's getting kind of overwhelming to deal with. I just want to figure this shit out, already. I want to get something accomplished. I'm tired of feeling like I have to catch up with all these 10-year-olds that can do way more than I can. I'm just getting to a point where something HAS to give somehow.

Other less huge, but also very odd things have happened in the past few days:

4) My computer almost died. I miraculously saved it, but the 12 hours prior to doing that were a complete gong show. I realized I could access the internet over my wii and sent help messages out to people since I had no clue what to do.

The reason it freaked me out so goddamn much is because the internet is my main connection with pretty much everyone in my life now. No one calls me. I was gone for almost two whole weeks in December and I came back to zero messages, and not even any missed calls. The sad part is, that wasn't the entire length of time that I hadn't been called by a friend.

One person responded to assist me in my computer crisis, thank goodness. It was dreadfully painful trying to enter one letter at a time typing with my wii remote, but at least got some ideas to work with. I sent a couple personal messages out to friends I thought might be able to give me ideas, which were ignored. I found this curious, yet predictable for most of my friends, I suppose. :/

Of course not forgetting the fact that I was in general distress from all the other shit going on lately. It's not just me--most of my coworkers were/are going through distressing times as well. And other friends with major news that I was processing.

For the past several weeks I have/had been offering emotional support for a very close friend going through a major breakup. I'll do anything to be there for my friends, but there were many things going on at the same time. Oh, and I forgot to mention...my friend from #1 also did have some distressing news as well that was also a surprise to me. But I never was able to really lend much of an ear, considering starting not two days after that I haven't wanted to talk to her since because of incident #1.

5a) Two very odd things happened yesterday. First, my phone was randomly not working. It took another 12 hours to get THAT fixed, again thank fuck it was something I was able to resolve on my own. It was scary enough losing contact with people on the computer, never mind my only OTHER means of contact for everything else. It wasn't a super distressing event, it was just something that tied all in to a similar theme this month. But first...

5b) I just discovered a very close friend of mine removed me from facebook (and probably msn), which was pretty much our main means of communication. I'm...still processing this and trying to figure it out. There was nothing unusual that I've done lately that differs from any other time. I have been really stressed out lately, and I know I get really high strung when I get like that, but otherwise nothing else has happened.

This pains me a lot because this is a person I have always felt a wonderful connection to, as it is someone who really understands a lot of experiences of mine that many other people do not, particularly emotionally. I've considered her one of my best friends for quite a while now.

And just like that, she disappeared. I'm very confused, and have been having random moments breaking into tears over the past 24 hours. It's bad enough losing one very close friend, but now another...all out of nowhere. I am going to try to see what I can do to regain communication, but I have a feeling my efforts won't get far. :S

Alas, that brings me to what seems to be the recurring theme here: Disconnection. As if I didn't have enough of that to begin with. I live alone, I spend most of my time alone. I HATE being alone. And yet here I am, and the universe is sending me strong messages that ties to the world are being cut, and it's time to make new ones.

People have been confirming to me for a while that "It's time to close this chapter of your life and move on, and away from your pain." I get that, although this much all at once gets pretty damn overwhelming. However...

On a positive note, it does feel like this year is going to be full of powerful changes, and I'm not feeling that they are going to be as negative as before. I am feeling good about my music. I have a dedicated friend who wants to work on it with me, and who gets super psyched about all of my ideas. That is freaking awesome.

I had a serendipitous moment a couple weeks ago as well. One grumpy evening, I decided to just go out for once instead of taking the easy option of just spending the night at home by myself. I ended up meeting a pretty cool person that evening. It was a nice break from all of the crazy that's been happening.

Thinking about school stuff gets frustrating, but at least I'm at the point now that I feel confident I will figure it out. A friend gave me some good pointers last night and I think it helped clarify some things for me.

Sooo....it would seem that I am losing a lot of what was once familiar and comfortable for me, perhaps to make room for newer, better, more inspiring things. I know the past few years have been challenging, the last two in particular. I've gone through a lot, and there were things that held me back. But this year I am all about releasing all of those fears I've developed over my youth and finally taking bigger actions to get to where I want to be: happy.

I think that sums most of it up to today. If not, I'll be back again!

All my love from your overly wordy friend,

Sheeyan

xoxoxoxo
=(^. .^)=

Distraction, or direction?: My brain explodes with mystery! Or something.

Sometimes all I want to do is just drop everything and just go back to Nanaimo. If there's one thing that drives me crazy more than anything else is being so alone all the time. I can't just walk down the street to see a friend, or even pick up the phone to talk, since it's now long distance every time.

And I would totally just move back too, if I even knew what I would do once I was over there. I've come to the realization lately that yes, many work environments just turn me off, and I can't just continue to do pointless jobs that won't get my anywhere anymore. That aside, even if it's something that doesn't completely contribute to where I want to go, I at least want it to be positive and enjoy what I'm doing for the time being.

I do have that here, I have a job I like and I work with good people that care about each other. Sure, I don't have money for a lot of extras with the hours I do, but I have what I need and I'm happy about that. I am trying to find a second job elsewhere to allow for social/hobby expenses, but so far I haven't really found anything that suitable yet.

I like the city I'm in. I do. I live in a nice area, I have a good and affordable place to live. I don't get to do as many of the side activities that I want to, because no one in town really knows me and the ones that do seem too busy to talk to me about anything.

But what I can't take is just having to be here by myself all the time. With everything going on, sometimes all I want is to spend an evening with a friend or something and that's not even accessible to me unless if I have $50 to spend on a trip to Nanaimo. I can't just go out and do things because everything costs busfare to even walk out the door. I don't exactly live in the 'centre of it all,' so it's not like I can just walk down the street and expect something to happen. The only people that probably recognize me around here are a couple of cashiers from the neighbourhood Shopper's and Safeway.

Sure, you might say, well go make something happen. Well, if you have any ideas on how I should do that, tell me, because I can't really think of anything viable that I can do that would work. I meet people, I try to network, people act all friendly to talk to you for one moment, but then don't care the next. I put myself out there, I'm enthusiastic, but no one is really that concerned with someone they've barely heard the name of, if at all. It's infuriating.

I suppose things will continue to move on and change, and perhaps at some point I'll finally have established some roots here and have a purpose of being here. The thing was, since I got here, I've never really planted roots too deeply here on purpose, knowing that everything I still care about the most is left back in Nanaimo. And the more I have going on for me here, the harder it would make things, I think. I'm not the kind of person that wants to just come and go in anyone's life.

Being there for the people I care about has always been something of the utmost importance to me. For me to leave all that, I almost feel guilty about it. Like I'm doing all the things I always disliked hearing about other people doing. To me, staying and being there for people seemed like it was always the right choice, the responsible choice. That going and doing things for myself was selfish. Perhaps it was just a guilt that grew in my head with my mother's situation--yes, it's probably where it all started.

I realize I went a long time not really thinking about what was important for myself and I know that I have to make decisions to advance myself and that bring happiness into my life. Yet at the same time, I don't know if I could ever get complete happiness out of that because in the back of my head I will always feel incomplete without the people I love most in my life.

Sure, I like meeting new people. But at the same time I also hate it. I feel so worn out sometimes that the thought of having nothing that's familiar, solid and trusted in front of me just seems daunting. Sometimes people need something familiar to take comfort in, and here I have none of that.

The ladies I work with are sweethearts and I'm sure they would want to help me out if I was feeling upset. But at the same time that's not who I have my history with, who my memories are with, and who know me inside and out. Not to mention that as much as I care about them, I still need friends my own age to relate to.

Though sometimes I wonder about that. Of the friends I do regularly communicate with, it’s mostly online. Even the ones that are some of my closest friends don’t phone me unless if they think something extremely important is going on, and even then that’s occasional. I have to call first. And a lot of times I just can’t, because frankly I just can’t afford to.

And then what else do I have. People that just blatantly ignore me, probably block me, and otherwise just don’t talk to me like a normal human being or even care to respond to messages. People that I can’t talk to, sometimes even greet, without being ripped into one way or another. Sometimes even talking about something that I think is positive I get criticized for. Or people that think they can get away with saying whatever the hell they want to me (whether they--not me, but THEY--think it's good, bad, endearing, funny, or whatever the heck else) no matter how many times I’ve expressed being upset at how they talk to me.

For years I’ve always felt like I had to explain everything about why I am who I am in order to get people to understand me better. Sure, I get it. I have an odd personality. I like to be silly. Perhaps I’m a bit unconventional. But who cares? Really, who freaking cares? I AM ME! And I LIKE being me! And even though people say no, I don’t have to feel bad, or explain, or whatever, and that yes, they want me to stay how I am and yes, they understand me, at the same time they’re still filled with nothing but complaints about anything that comes out of my mouth. They say these things to me, yet what is proving them? What am I supposed to believe? Who can I really trust?

There are very few that I know who will care about me no matter what and hold no conditions to being my friend. I’ll admit I am probably always too trusting right off the bat and I end up figuring out that I invest way more energy into some people then they care to in return. Some cases take longer for me to figure out than others.

For anyone wondering, “why the bitchfest?”, I just want to say that I’ve been going through difficult times recently and perhaps I’m just more bitter than usual lately. But even so, a lot of the things I’ve mentioned here have been ongoing for a while.

I just want to feel appreciated, you know? Just like any other normal human being. I know what’s going on with me and basically what I need to do to get through it. I don’t need people telling me to get over it. Sometimes I just need a freaking hug from someone and genuine kind words. Some reassurance. Sure, I’m not in a unique situation. Sure, millions of people deal with this. It doesn’t mean that I have to do the exact same thing as everyone else, and I sure as hell don’t need lectures on why it’s so terrible to be sad and that I ought to deny those thoughts and just do “fun” stuff.

I get so tired of people saying you shouldn’t be or feel certain things. When I was a kid I hated being told not to cry, because for one thing it wasn’t in a nice manner, and for another, to me I saw that was just that the other people didn't want to feel guilty. People feel happy, people feel sad, people feel lots of things. And we’re supposed to! Just because you’re used to doing things one way doesn’t mean that you should make someone else feel guilty for expressing in a different way.

I know I’m being a rantaholic today, but day in and day out I am in a house by myself, and since there’s no one to talk to, my thoughts can never leave my brain and they just continue going around in frustrating circles in my head. Sometimes I think that I’ll eventually just spontaneously combust from all the pressure that’s building up inside there.

There are always questions and never answers to them. Right now, I have to figure out if my life is actually going anywhere here or if I’m just completely delusional. As far as things are going right now, I could speculate that the latter is more likely. But then again, I’m probably just moody right now.

I try hard. I really do. I try hard to do things for myself and then usually end up hitting a wall because there’s only so much I can figure out just by myself. People think I just need to go out and do something. Well how can I do that? I will say it right now: I don’t freaking know what to do! I don’t know what, I don’t know how. I don’t know HOW! I don’t. Stop telling me to do things like everyone else. I am not those people. It's not fair to make comparisons like that when each individual is given different circumstances in life.

No, I don’t have resources, I don’t have connections, I don’t have talents, I don’t have anything that I need to get pretty much anything going in my life at the moment. Don't measure me against other people that have things figured out already and found what and who they needed to break through. I am not there yet. I am not saying I’m not going to get there, or that I’m not taking steps to get there, I’m just saying it’s not fair that people just think this should be so simple and why the hell haven’t I got anywhere yet.

Anyway I better stop before anyone who I haven’t managed to offend yet and is still reading gets annoyed, too. If you have read this far, thanks. And I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I’m just tired of things and frustrated, and I started this damn post in the first place tonight because I’m feeling sad and missing people back home. I do love you guys. I miss everyone. I miss having all of your love around me and sharing enjoyable experiences together. I miss normal life. And I don’t know why everything had to change so suddenly.

Until next time.

Xoxo,

Me

Glorious pants!

I has not posted in a while again. Seems to be the way this goes.

Hm...it has been a hectic month, at least emotionally. Kind of a lot going on. Surprisingly however, I can't really think of anything particular to rant about.

I've been getting stuff ready for my performance next month. Getting everything for my costume has been a frustrating ordeal. I have spent hours decorating my stupid petticoat to discover that it looks retarded anyway and I have to redo the whole damn thing a different way. Also, I haven't been able to procure a doll mask. >_>

I keep thinking about visiting Winnipeg again. I really wished I could have stayed longer last time. I wish I had a job I could do that allowed me to travel and do it anywhere. Le sigh. Seems these days that there's more people I'd rather hang out with there than in Vancouver.

Which is kind of dumb. I figured I would have more friends here by now. But I haven't been getting out as much as I thought I would, either.

But poi class starts next week! :) I am excited about that. Finally a chance to develop some skillzzz of a sort. I have already thought of dozens of songs in my head that I could use it for. Also, I have daydreamed about using certain songs for fire performances. Which means that it's now inevitable that I will eventually pursue learning how to do that too.

I liked a line that was said to me recently: "Embrace your pyronicity." Haha.

Other than that nothing is really going on right now that is that interesting. Weird, hey? When does that ever happen? But perhaps I am just trying to ignore it all.

I guess that's partly true. People are still frustrating me, but I am doing a better job at trying to ignore that. Instead, I use the time to talk to people that make me feel better about humanity.

...I just noticed that I somehow managed to get a ridiculous amount of glue and other assorted things stuck to my nice pants today. *sigh* I don't know how I manage that. Creativity always gets me dirty for some reason.

That could totally be a double entendre if you consider my dancing. Ha!

But alas, I think that is all for today. This is probably one the shortest entries I've ever made! Hm...

I'll have to think of something else funny to write about. But for now I think I need to clean my pants.

Tata!

~Sheeyannypants <3

PS - Bonus points if you get where my title is from. :D

Mustard fields, Beethoven, a formerly epic loo and Tim Horton's chili. (AKA: The Ponderments of Bus.)

I think I mentioned previously, that while I was on the Greyhound I wrote a bunch of crap in a notebook to make up for not being able to have internet. Here are the musings from my trip.

******************

July 18, 2010
8:30-ish p.m.

- Man, it takes forever to get out of GVRD. It had to at least be an hour or two. If that was Winnipeg, you'd be halfway through the province already. :P


9:30-ish p.m.

- Though flying is faster, I actually quite like the bus ride. It's relaxing and cozy, aside from the back cramps. :P Plus, you get to see all the great scenery. Even though I always get the trip that goes through the mountains at night.

- There is a stupid annoying couple sitting in front of me that won't shut up. You have no idea how many times I wanted to get up and yell "Shut the fuck up, already!" Seriously, it's after dark, and there is not another single noise on the bus. Can't they take a hint?

- Also--of course--I have to get the one bus seat on the entire bus that has a floor light in front of it...well, of two lights. Between that and the blabbermouths, I have no chance of sleeping. FML!


11:15 p.m.

- We stopped in Kamloops and there was naught but a shittay bus station café with ucky sandwiches, so I didn't get to eat, and all I had at work was a salad. I was going to get out to grab food when we stopped at Chilliwack a couple hours earlier, but was like, oh well, we'll be stopping again. I now regret not going. The blabbermouths got Tim Horton's there and immediately made me crave chili. :(


July 19th, 2010
2:15 p.m.

- I managed to rest uncomfortably last night, but not sleep. I didn't feel like getting up to grab my melatonin, besides, I felt tired enough to not need it anyway.

- The girl that sat beside me since Kamloops started chatting to me this morning around 6:00 a.m.-ish. We talked for most of the rest of the bus ride to Edmonton. We laughed at the blabbermouth couple a few times. Good to see I wasn't the only one that that thought they were annoying! We kinda hung around each other until we had to part ways. We ended up walking around downtown Edmonton looking for a place for her to buy a phone card. The people at the station gave stupid directions and we only successfully found a mall after walking a block or so and asking strangers. :P It was funny, we went the entire time chatting--about 7 hours--and never once introduced ourselves.

- Didn't get on the bus to Winnipeg until 2:00 p.m.-ish instead of 1:30 p.m. Also, the security guy confiscated my water bottle and hairspray. The bottle I can replace, but that hairspray was fairly new. Boooo.

- Alberta has been rainy since this morning. I hope it's nicer in Winnipeg.

- Got on the bus and I could have sworn this guy a couple seats back from me was listening to Lady Gaga. Ewwww. I could be wrong, but the song sounded freakishly like Just Dance or something. :P


3:00 p.m.

- Gotta love all the random things in the middle of nowhere. We passed by what appeared to be someone's property, but one of the things that was built there looked like a massive, almost Mexican-style resort. Lol. Who goes to a resort in the middle of nowhere in Alberta? You can't even make a good analogy to compare that to. I mean, that *would* be the analogy to use when talking about something lame. :P

- All of the rolling hills around here really make me want to visit Ireland.

- Thought for ponderment: Wondering whether it would be cool or not to do an in-country study: Live in each of the main provinces for a while and experience Canada. Lame, or interesting? I guess it all depends on where you go!

- I keep wanting to get a damn picture of a mustard field, and I keep missing them. Bah, there's tons...I'll get one soon enough!

- We're stopping in Tofield. Isn't that where Richard is from?


3:15 p.m.

- I *still* want that fucking Tim Horton's chili. :( Still haven't had a proper meal.

- I freaking love mustard fields. Soooo yellow. It makes me wonder what it would be like if nature were different main colours. Bright yellow grass and a purple sky would be so cool! :P


3:55 p.m.

- People in the town of Viking sure seem to love displaying their full names on signs in their front yards. :P


9:20 p.m.

- Managed to go from Edmonton with my own seat, and get out of Saskatoon with no new passengers sitting next to me. Lol, is it my hair? :P With any luck, I can get to Winnipeg with two seats!

- I feel better after getting some soup @ Robin's Donuts (They don't have those in BC! At least I haven't seen any.) at the Saskatoon station. It's no chili, but it'll do. :P


July 20th, 2010
8:30 a.m.

- Woke up at first pink light and stayed up to try to take pics of the sunrise. Got a couple but not sure if they worked. And of course as soon as the sun actually started to crack, we pulled into Brandon and missed it. Then I decided to sleep for a bit, somewhat successfully. We are pulling into Winnipeg right now!! :)

*********************
That was the trip out. On the trip back, I was a little more lazy with my writing, so there's a lot less. :P
*********************

July 29, 2010
2:22 p.m.

- So tired on Wednesday night. Nice guy was beside me on the bus and chatted a little bit about Canadian cities and where we were/what we did type thing. Didn't last too long because I was so sleepy. Had to try to avoid being fallen on several times. Though I think at least once or twice his head ended up on my shoulder. This was annoying and I wasn't sure how to get him away without just whapping him in the face. I'd usually just start to move or wait for the bus to rattle. Thankfully he left at Regina.

- I got sunrise pics this time, albeit in Saskatchewan.

- The way back is the trip I'm used to. Stopped in a familiar restaurant (in Swift Current) and ordered a poutine against my better judgment. They made it with cheddar and it was kinda ucky. I still haven't finished it.

- Stopped in Medicine Hat, and the restaurant that was here before is now a restaurant/variety store. They had some semi-cute black/hot pink bikinis. I got a drink, and when I got back on the bus it was super humid and musty. Ewwww.

- Finally beat that stupid part of the Temple of the Ocean King in Zelda (Phantom Hourglass) after 2-3 more tries. :P Almost don't feel like doing more.

- Beethoven seems to be surviving the trip, as is the rose that is nestled in a J-Cloth in my purse. I re-moisten it every time we stop. One petal fell off, and I think the tips are drying, but I think it should survive one more day until I can give it proper water.


6:25 p.m.

- Calgary Station. The washrooms are no longer cool, but they weren't last time either. No more white doors. Also, I kind of really hate cowboy hats.


**********

And after that I just got tired and lazy and didn't write anymore.

Oh, and I didn't really explain it in my writing, but I was stuck on a part of Zelda for HOURS. I don't even remember how long, or if I'd worked on it before that day. In any case, it was draining afterward. :P Oh, the things I'll suffer through for you, Link. <3

One other explanation. At the Calgary Greyhound station, the washroom doors used to be white and completely covered with writing from people from around the country. Some of it was regular washroom trash-talk (I'm sure we've all seen "____ is a ___ing slut" on a bathroom wall at some point in our lives...at least the girls' rooms. :P), and some of it was funny comments that people would add to other people's dumb writing, making for a funny string conversation...and of course there was also a lot of "____ was here" and such.

But it was epic...it was almost like a landmark of a sort for me...a little piece of history from all over the country on a bathroom wall. I can't remember, but I think I even wrote on it once, during one of the times we passed through when I was travelling with Mom. But yeah...If you've ever seen one of my "leave no white space behind" birthday/holiday cards, it was like that, only on a bathroom cubicle wall and a lot more disorganized and incoherent. :P When I first discovered that they'd painted over all of it, I almost felt like a part of Canadian heritage was lost...all those hundreds of people's experiences forgotten.

But how weird am I....getting all sentimental over a public can. XD

The funny thing is, I kind of do have a weird personal sentimental value for the Calgary Greyhound Station loo, probably because I remember always stopping there with my Mom on our many trips back and forth to Winnipeg in my teens.

My first experience and discovery automatic self-flushing toilets was also in that bathroom many years ago. I think it both amazed and terrified me at the same time. I remember it kept flushing a bunch of times, and I wasn't even using it (I went in the stall to change my clothes. :P). It weirded me out immensely. It still does. I'm exceptionally baffled by how automatic toilets will flush zillions of times when you're in there, except when you're actually intending to flush them. But anyway.

In case you were wondering, the Beethoven I mentioned refers to a sculpted bust of Beethoven that I brought home from Winnipeg. I grew up with him on my piano. Recently I thought of him and missed him. But when I was there, my cousin Liana told me they still had him, which I didn't realize. So I carted him home. I wrapped him in loads of tissue paper, stuffed him in a bag, and hoped for the best. It was heavy and awkward.

And the rose I think I explained last time, yes? It was from Nikolaus. I've been listening to his stuff a lot too. :P So much emotion in that music. Why does it seem that's always what I'm the most drawn to?

Anyway, that's about enough typing for one night. My fingers are starting to get stiff and confused.

Until next time my pretties.

Love,

Sheeyan =(^. .^)=
xoxoxoxo <3

New discoveries of old loves.

Okay, it has officially been too long since I posted something on here. A couple of weeks were busy, or uneventful...I can't remember which. Then came my trip on the 18th, and that was a couple of weeks. Then I got back a few days ago to discover my internet wasn't working at home. I escaped to Nanaimo on Sunday night, and so I've finally caught a chance to post something.

It's been an interesting few weeks, and I thought of many different things to write about, alas I don't remember a single one of them at the moment. Other than a few trip adventures of course. Actually, I was determined to document my trip as best I could, and I have a bunch of pictures and videos I will post when my internet at home is back up. I would be doing it now, but I seemed to have forgotten my purse, including my camera that was in it, at Tanya's house yesterday. :P

Winnipeg was a very enjoyable trip, I got to see everyone I wanted to see at least once, and had time to relax and do whatever I wanted, and have a proper holiday. I ended up spending pretty much most of it at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival. I'd never gone before, but when I discovered what it was about, I wish I had the chance to before.

It filled a lot of empty time. When I was in Winnipeg I was determined to not do nothing, since that is pretty much what I do all of the time at home, what with the having no money to go out and all. I wasn't sure what I'd find at the festival, but I ended up having fun and hung out there for a bit every day until it ended.

One afternoon, me, Laurah and Rob decided to go wandering and checked out the two streets of vendors they had out there. It was there that I discovered they had street performers out and about there. When we were passing through this particular time, there was a cello player there, and he immediately caught my attention. Rob told me he saw him the other day and he did some wicked things with that instrument. I stood there enthralled. He ended a song and began another: the Pachelbel Canon in D, which he had changed up and did his own funky thing with. Having a personal family attachment to that piece, I felt a flutter in my chest. That song always does that to me.

I didn't pay attention to how long we watched him, I just remember standing there and not being able to take my eyes or ears away from the music. We went on doing our thing. Sometime, I think, the next day or later that day, I (We? I don't remember.) passed him again at the end of a set. I found him one more time, I think with Laurah, and at some point I bought a CD. We learned that he was going to be playing a show on Friday night, and got excited about it. I wanted to figure out what other times he was playing, but at that point hadn't figured out the street performers' schedule.

This story might not seem that interesting. It's kind of one of those things you have to be there to experience. As you may know, I've delved deeper into my love of music lately, and random things have been enthralling and inspiring me to study it. When I started listening to this guy play, it was unreal. Sounds come out of that cello that I've never heard come out of a cello before. The cellist is a funny German guy from Berlin named Nikolaus. His cello is named Umbra, whom he always jokingly introduces as his "Polish girlfriend." Together, they are "Cellolitis."

But I have to say...I have never seen something so amazing to watch/listen to. He is so intimate with his instrument; he knows it so well, it's like it has become a part of his soul. He will just improvise with any random thing and create something beautiful out of it. I can only dream of one day being able to do that. It really was an awesome experience for me to watch him play.

One day, I think it was a Thursday...I had found him playing again, and went to give him what random change I had after his set. He had already sold out of CDs. I was disappointed, because I'd bought one and figured I'd come back and buy the other one he had there. I commented on that and on how I keep finding him when it's at the end of his set. He said I should join him for coffee sometime. He's a friendly guy and seemed to like chatting with people and making friends. I was excited. I said sure, I don't really have anything specific to do these days, that I normally just hang around the Fringe and kill time. He said something along the lines of, "Yeah me too...between playing I have nothing much to do."

That evening, I discovered his facebook page, which listed all the times he was playing. Finally I figured it out. So I knew when to stop by the next day. He had two back to back shows at like, 1 and 2pm I think. I went from one to the other. After everything was done, I lingered just because. I wondered if he remembered my face. He did, and as he was packing up, reinvited me for coffee. So we went to a coffeeshop on the corner of the street and I enthusiastically asked him some questions. I tried not to overdo it, as I didn't want to ask the same things that probably hundreds of other people ask on his travels.

It was cool though being able to catch him away from playing. You can see a little bit of the actual person behind everything. Apparently a bunch of people were partying the night before, and he was tired, and seemed just a bit worn out in general from long days playing in the sun, and traveling. But he was a really interesting person and I enjoyed being able to spend a brief visit with him. He asked me a couple times if I wanted to try some of his cheesecake, because apparently it was delicious. Just seems like one of those people who really want to share experiences with the world. It was quite inspiring to me.

We went to his concert Friday night, which was probably the best live music performance I've ever seen. Apparently one of the people he met here arranged it...when they heard how awesome he was, they set up a personal concert for him in one of the show venues. The acoustics in there were excellent. I'd been in there previously the day before to see a musical show. It was a mini opera about some rich lady obsessed with coffee. The plot left a little to be desired, but I enjoyed the singing. Anyway, the venue was perfect for this.

A girl I'd been hanging out with, Angela, is pretty much the main burlesque performer in Winnipeg. Really fun gal. Went to see her show (which was also awesome and hilarious), and hung around and chatted a few times. That night, I was supposed to meet up with her to see another burlesque-themed fringe show. Afterwards, I ran off to go see Cellolitis, and told her about it. Apparently we were invited to some party of a friend of hers, and some other gals were going too. I told her the cello show was free, and so the girls decided to stop by and listen. They ended up staying for the whole show. Laurah and Rob also came and brought a couple of people. It was great getting so many people to come out.

I spent all of my Saturday watching cello, and some of Sunday as well. After his last performance on Sunday, I thanked him for the inspiring experience over the last few days. I got him to sign my CD, and he said perhaps we'd meet again some time. On a couple of occasions that I'd talked to him I told him he has to stop by Vancouver sometime. He said he'd heard good things about it there and said perhaps one day he will.

Someone had given him a few roses, one of which had broken off from the stem. He asked if I'd like it. I said sure. I took it home with me, and even tried to take care of it on the bus ride by wrapping it in a moistened J-Cloth. It did well until then, but then started to dry out a little because it was hard to give it enough water. But it survived, and even lasted on my counter at home a couple days, before I decided to just let it dry out before all of the leaves started to fall off.

*********************

I decided to write about this experience here first because it had such a powerful effect on me. When I listen to the music, I feel in love all over again. I realized that one day...that it was the very same feeling. It's what music has been doing to me lately, which is why I keep thinking more and more seriously about pursuing that in school.

I will post more and write more about everything that's happened lately eventually, though it will probably be sporadic because I don't know when my internet will be up and going at home again.

There's been a lot going on. Another thing of significance is this building sense of urgency I've been having. When I got back from my travels, I was disappointed, because it was back to same old, same old. I've been wanting to just get out and do, and unfortunately a lack of spare cash prevents that. I don't mind, it will come in due time, I'm just getting a little impatient.

I want something big to happen. I moved, and that was big, but I'm after more. I keep daydreaming about traveling. Anywhere. Around Canada, around the world. I'd like to just disappear off to some random country for a while. I'd like to live all around. Like in each province. And discover what's unique to each one. Then maybe a few different countries. Experience them. Learn new things. Find something I love. Meet amazing people. I have this growing ambition that I can't yet do anything with.

Something is building. I just don't know what yet, or when it will happen, or how I will do it. But I know that it's coming. I can feel it.

Uncollected Thoughts.

Dear You,

I've been feeling rather positive lately, despite the fact that random very shitty things have been happening too. Like being audited, having my living support held until the freaking thing is done, and oh yeah, not entirely passing my transcription exam. I got freaking 100% on my objective portion, but only 78% on my transcription portion. An 85% is considered a pass. You have to get above 85% on both portions to pass the course. Laaaaaaame. I don't even want to do this any more, but I freaking have to, because they're going to follow up on whether or not I get a job from it. Ballllls. Ugh, I just want it to go away already!

I am excited about going to Winnipeg, which is now hardly a little over a week away. Sadly, I only got a response from a couple people and will hardly get to do any visiting. :( So instead, I plan to fill my time going out and doing things. I'll probably be going to a few fringe shows and hanging around there. Oh well. Sometimes strangers are more fun to hang around anyway. But still, it makes me sad.

I get so frustrated with myself. My feelings tend to just happen without warning, and I don't know why.

Today I was wandering around at work and on break, and found myself grinning for no reason whatsoever. This is a good thing, but I have no clue what I was even happy about. Granted, I am glad that I have been able to feel more positive and liberated lately.

I dyed my hair a ridiculously bright colour and got so nervous last night about what would happen when I went in to work. It even kept me awake and made me angry. However, much to my pleasant surprise today, the ladies that were there liked it. Now I just have to hope that the owner likes it too. :S

On this topic, I've been seriously considering making a public protest about workplaces that discriminate against alternative looks such as tattoos, piercings and hair colour. I'm deadly serious. But I haven't figured out my game plan yet. More on that later. I want to take some time and think about it when my brain is rested.

Speaking of which, I'd better head to bed before I screw my schedule over for yet another day. I wasn't really done explaining myself, but there's always tomorrow.

Xoxo, Your effed up friend,

Sheeyan.

The Music Man.

Today was the end of another day selling vitamins, and my mood had been kind of here and there the last couple days. I was able to visit Owen yesterday, which was nice, but due to poor planning, was only able to hang out for one evening instead of longer if I had just made the visit for the week after. So I was a little bummed that I didn't think about that, but the last couple of weeks has kind of been a busy blur so I ended up missing it completely in my mind.

We have to charge HST on things at work now. It totally blows having to ask people for more money when all they're doing is trying to take care of themselves. It's kind of a downer. The way our computer system works, how we did it before was manually take off PST...now that it's changed, it totally just feels wrong not taking that tax off anymore. Especially considering that most of our customers are seniors and a lot of other people that can barely afford supplements as it is. People like me, too. Though I am extremely lucky to get a really good discount on my stuff. Even so, it's hard to get everything you need.

Anyway. I had an interesting moment today.

Due to the reason above, I've felt a less-than-happy vibe at work the last couple of days. It's been slow, and getting used to the new way of doing things feels weird. Near the end of today, I was getting ready to close and decided to buy a last minute maca bar for a pick-me-up. Mmmm, delicious adaptogen. By the time I did this, it was already a minute after 6 p.m. and I had to get things done. I saved about half my bar for the bus ride home, so that I could just sit down, do nothing and just enjoy it in some kind of pseudo-relaxing moment.

I got on the bus, and of course there was one person in each double seat in the first two-thirds of it, as per the public transit world's usual antisocial fashion. Normally I don't care and sit beside someone anyway, but I decided that I could use some stretching space and decided to brave the sideways seats at the back of the bus instead. I generally hate these seats because the jerking of the bus bothers my neck from the sideways angle, but I got an end spot next to some plexiglass (or whatever it is) to lean on so I was okay.

As I walked to the back, I didn't pay much attention to the people in the front seats. I was tired, and had been mysteriously sore the last couple of days and just wanted to get off of my feet. I sat down and munched, although I was a little disappointed at the lack of water I had left to wash it down with. The day before I'd forgotten my water bottle at work, so I only had half of it to last me the entire day today. Of course right at this moment I just happened to feel ridiculously thirsty.

Since there wasn't anything I could do about it at this point, I decided to ignore this annoyance and just listened to my music. When I had gone on my lunchbreak earlier today, I started listening to Muse, because I wanted to get back to choreographing the number I want to do to Uprising. When I'm choreographing or doing other such creative processes, I'll often listen to a song over and over zillions of times and visualize what I want to do with the music in my head. Often I'll just listen to it consciously and concentrate the first several times, then I kind of just let it blend into the background and let my subconscious work it out for me while I zone out.

Which is precisely what I continued doing on the bus, since I was tired and wasn't really up to paying that much attention or thinking that hard anyway. I started staring off into space, and shortly into the bus ride, I saw something that immediately refocused my attention.

The first thing I saw was an open notebook or binder of sorts, with a separate notepad on which the passenger was writing. I was about to glance away and continue staring into space when I realized what it was. It wasn't a notepad. It was a sheet music book. The page was filled with a little less than half a page of music written on it. I became instantly transfixed and stared intently at the page.

The owner of said book was a younger man with sandy blonde hair. I couldn't really tell his age, as from where I was sitting I could only see part of his profile. But he reminded me a little of someone I knew. Noticing the music in the notebook and the fact that he was writing it happened almost instantaneously, and somewhere inside of me, an excited little girl's heart danced when I saw it.

I became fully absorbed in what he was doing, and probably stared in that direction for probably 98% of the rest of the trip home. What was he writing? I wasn't close enough to be able to read the title on the page. Was he composing something? He also was wearing noise-cancelling earphones hooked up to some kind of mp3 player that was sitting on top of his books. He wrote down a few notes, stopped to think, erased a couple of notes, and rewrote them again. By the look of his books and the fact that he had a knapsack with him, I figured he must be a music student. I wondered if his homework was to write out the notes to a particular piece of music.

I don't know if anyone on the bus noticed me looking at him, but I felt an overwhelming joy through staring at that piece of paper. Music notes were scattered about, and it looked so beautiful. I wondered what it sounded like. Here, on this piece of paper, was a precursor to sound; it may not mean much to a lot of people just on paper, but when transformed into music, it had the power to bring about feelings of euphoria. It was almost mystical just watching it be created. Whether it was a piece of new music, or the notes of old music being rediscovered, I found it absolutely fascinating.

I cursed my inability to ever immediately remember what notes were what, though I'm not sure I could have read it anyway since I was further away. I've seen countless pages of music since I was little, but since I mostly play by ear, I've never properly ingrained it in my head how to read it. I do the same thing every time I pick up my guitar tab book. I know what I'm playing when I look at it, but probably only by memory. When I haven't played for a long time sometimes it takes me a few minutes to remember what I'm looking at. What was on that paper could very well have been a symphony or a pop song, but not knowing what it was almost made it all the more magical to watch.

I eagerly waited for the piece of paper to be written on again, and only a couple of times on the bus ride did I see the pencil touch the paper. I later noticed that it was because the writer had begun to doze off on the bus (or was at least trying to), and was nodding away. I realized why they call it "nodding off," as I watched him start to slowly fall forward, then involuntarily jerk back up repeatedly. Sometimes when the bus wiggled more than usual he'd blink a few times and almost return to the conscious world, and then start drifting off again. I've done that on particularly sleepy bus rides before. It's quite annoying when you feel so relaxed, and then that little jerk-reaction keeps waking you back up and reminding you that you are on public transit, and shouldn't really be letting yourself fall fully asleep lest you should miss your stop.

Just as a side note, some of you may be wondering why I'm writing down the details of this half-asleep young man on the bus. I don't often mention it, but I tend to be quite observant of what people around me are doing, especially when I'm by myself and have nothing better to concentrate on. I find human beings quite enthralling at times, and I often enjoy watching what they're doing in these little moments. It's quite neat actually.

I've mentioned before how I often imagine/fantasize about my life being a grand scale movie or play as I'm going about my business and all the strangers around me are extras passing through. Sometimes if you're lucky and you can catch the right moment, you get to see a bird's eye view of other people's life theatre; only this time, you're an extra in their play of life. From your point of view though, you're a spectator. In this case, Music Writing Guy didn't know I was there. But to me, it felt like I was watching a movie. Every time I have a moment like this, it reminds me of what I love about life, and it is all the more exciting when I get to watch other people involve themselves in those things. Like music. Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, a part of me really wanted to leap out of my seat, skip over to where he was sitting and start asking a bunch of annoying questions: "What are you writing? What's it for? Oooh, can I see? Where are you going to school? What program are you taking? What is it like there? etc., etc., etc." I kept debating it, except for the previously mentioned anti-social seating pattern in the bus, and that the seat directly in front of him was occupied. It's kind of awkward to turn around and talk to someone when you're sharing a seat with a stranger, and holding on to a couple of bags while sitting sideways.

Besides, he was sleeping, and I had no clue if his music was still playing either. I wasn't feeling that up to raising my voice to get his attention on an otherwise silent bus. I don't usually mind drawing attention to myself, but when a busload of strangers doesn't know what the purpose of my actions are, it would probably just appear to them that I'm trying to flirt, especially if they had noticed me staring intently in his direction the entire time.

Two stops before I had to get off, the girl sitting in front of him finally got off the bus. I was annoyed that it happened only then, because it was hardly enough time to have a decent conversation even if I did go over there. I hesitated, but since I was still preoccupied with staring at his piece of paper, I decided I'd leave him to peaceful sleep. I tried to think if I've ever seen his face on this route before (at least what I figured his face looked like from where I was) and wondered if he was on this bus regularly, and if I'd see him on here, writing again, perhaps even on the same day and time in the future. It may or may not have been a good idea, but I decided not to go talk to him this time, and I was okay with that; I got this odd feeling as if I might just be fated to see him on the bus again...maybe sometime soon, maybe a long time from now. Who knows.

It was an interesting moment I had on the bus--an unexpected, but very involved half-hour moment. Seeing that music and someone more or less my age writing it out was inspiring to me, especially with my recent thoughts about going to music school. It's moments like this that remind me why I want to do what I want to do. It's such an invigorating and gratifying feeling...one that reminds you that yes, there is a method to your madness, and yes, there is a good reason to work toward what it is you're after, even if your goals may sound completely and utterly insensible right now: because you're passionate about it. When it comes down to it, that's all that really matters.

Today at work, I was chatting to one of our friendly regulars when a couple of people she knew came in. One was a younger girl who briefly mentioned she had taken a musical theatre program. Instantly I knew it was the one at Capilano University, because I had been browsing their programs on their website and was keen on two programs in particular, that being one of them. I knew it was Capilano because they said it was the only program of its kind on the West Coast.

I thought it was interesting that these two events happened coincidentally on the same day. Perhaps these are little signs for me pointing me in the right direction. Who wants 10 years of science classes anyway? I could hardly hold my attention for one year of a transcription course. When your heart's not there, there's just no point. Granted, I am passionate about naturopathic medicine, but when it comes down to what really inspires me, moves me and keeps me going day to day, it always comes back to music.

If/when I do see the music man again, I'll be sure to ask him my questions. If not him, it will be someone else. Either way, I think this experience is trying to tell me to take a hint, and just go pursue my passions already. I'm quite excited by the idea actually. Personally, I couldn't imagine anything better to look forward to right now.