Okay, I'm angry again.
I've tried being happy with things the way they are. I really have. But one can only go for so long on so little without cracking at some point. This seems to be a regular occurrence for me. One that I really wish wouldn't happen, but does anyway. I'm trying to turn things around and make my destiny different. But that doesn't come without much turbulence.
I'm really fed up with this course and want it to be done already. I've been procrastinating doing my exam pre-assessment because I know how much I'll suck at it. I tried to do it today, just to get the fucking thing over with already since I am already behind for practicum...and I just couldn't do it. Couldn't understand a damn word past where I left off. Fucking fucks and their disrespect for the people that have to interpret their garbage reports. They may as well be talking with a hundred marshmallows in their mouths. If the dumb doctors are so busy, can't they just save us all time by hiring people to dictate? FUCK!
I'm going to call the school tomorrow and see what they recommend, because I've had it with this dumb course and just want it over as soon as possible. I mentioned a while back to my employment counselor that I may be moving, and she said she should be able to take care of things so that I don't have to deal with people "following up" with me for the next three months after the course is done, to see if I got a job out of their program. There's no such thing as programs made to benefit poor people. If they spend a precious dime--nay, penny--on you, they want to make sure you do something that pleases them with it, otherwise they want it back.
**********************
What else am I angry about? Hm...oh yes. My EI claim last year got audited and now the government is sending me letters about "discrepancies." While in Nanaimo a few days ago, I got a letter saying they didn't know I quit Sears last year and asked me why. I fucking HAD to quit, because Sears was retarded...they hired me at part-time ("18 hours max" they said), gave me full time, and then later refused to give me what was originally promised when it was time for me to start school, and legally had to work less than 20 hours a week.
Now I have to get a letter from the place that funded the course confirming the policy that I was required to work under less than 20 hours a week. But instead of just answering a simple request, Amber Education is going through my files and asking me questions about it. They started asking me things about whether or not I was under contract yet when my employer refused to cut my hours. Why in hell would I have recorded the date of such a conversation? I wasn't fucking asking them to go through my file and try to find preemptive ways of protecting their own asses. No one's ass is on the line here except mine, and ALL I was asking of them is to confirm what their policy was, not whether or not it applied to me on one date or another.
Then I talk to them yesterday and she asked me to send my request in writing by snail mail, and that "once they received it, they could review my files and make a decision about my request." It's all so fucking retarded. I wasn't even allowed to email it, I HAD to send it by regular mail. Because you know, it's not like I'm on a time constraint and I only have less than two weeks to forward my information back to HRSDC...OH WAIT, I AM. So yeah. That's causing undue stress.
Aside from the Sears ordeal, apparently there were also some discrepancies in things I claimed compared to things my employers claimed they paid me. This is most likely related to the fact that when reporting income online, they don't let you put ".5" hours of anything, so you have to round to the next nearest number. Also, they don't have anywhere on the online forms to report things like vacation pay, which apparently you also have to report.
The lady couldn't tell me if the difference was a positive or negative number, but just that it was a "small amount", and couldn't define it any more than that. Wtf does that even mean? "Small amount" means nothing without a definition. To me, it would mean 50 dollars or less...maybe even less than $100 at most. But who knows...maybe they're used to seeing cases where people owe thousands of dollars, and maybe a few hundred is a "small amount" to them.
I told her that I was on EI for 30 weeks, and that I barely make enough money to buy groceries; I sure as hell can't pay them back hundreds of dollars. I have to wait another few days for the mail to come to Nanaimo to see what this "small amount" is. Like I said, she couldn't tell me whether this was money I owed or was owed to me...I would love it if it was the latter, but I highly doubt that it is. >_>
Having to pay back money would really fuck me over right now, considering I can barely make ends meet to begin with, and I have a trip I'm trying to plan and save money for. I literally have to watch every penny I spend right now to save myself from going in the red over the next couple of months before I can build my income back up. Stupid fucking audit.
**********************
Now that I have a job, I can finally use Aaron and Kat's budgeting spreadsheet to plan things out a bit, and it is quite handy. What I'm trying to work out right now is how to get bills paid, groceries bought, busfare put aside, and still be able to save enough for my trip next month, which I am absolutely determined to do. When I say I literally have to watch every penny...I totally mean it. Even a couple bucks out in one place can put my funds in the negative. Things are doable as they are right now, and will be tight until about August or September, as it will take a few weeks to bounce back from my trip costs.
At least it will be that way if I work the same hours on my current job. The one bit of good news I can report today is that of the 6 resumes I sent out yesterday, I got calls for two interviews today. One is at a health store in Surrey, and the other is at a natural market in Maple Ridge. Both are about an hour and a half away by bus, which sucks, but if it's a job I'll enjoy I'm not too worried about that.
The one in Surrey pays $8 an hour plus 5% commission, which apparently "the way business is going now would end up being around $10 an hour." But I mean...it's in Surrey. So there's that. I have no idea what the one in Maple Ridge pays, but I am rooting more for that one just because, you know, it's not in Surrey. :P Both of the ladies I talked to from either place seemed nice though. I told the lady in Surrey that I work weekends and apparently she said it shouldn't be a problem. I mentioned to the lady in Maple Ridge that I work "near the end of the week" and she didn't say anything about it, although I also didn't specify which days.
I always get concerned because usually people are looking for someone to work weekends, and since I already got hired at a place that wants me to work on weekends, this makes finding a second job that much more annoying. I mean seriously...I understand why they might be harder to keep filled...but you just can't expect everyone to be able to work the exact same days as everywhere else. Anyway, I have my interviews for both of those places tomorrow. I'll have to weigh my options and see what will work best.
It's now more than ever that I'm thankful I have the specialization that I do. If I didn't have the knowledge base I did, I would probably still be trying to find a job, and most likely be back in Nanaimo being broke right now. I was really lucky to find the current job I have, with such wonderful people and a nice environment. When I went online job hunting on Sunday, I decided, you know what, this is what I do best, I may as well search specifically and only for jobs in that industry. I'm good at it anyway. Ordinary mall people don't want to hire me because I don't have the work history...and where I live, the malls would really be my only other option.
Luckily, when I went on craigslist I was able to find about a half-dozen job ads pertaining to natural health, which I think was a lucky coincidence. It's kind of why living in a metropolis is a good thing...because even in an industry where there are limited employers and even more limited (and experienced) potential employees, there is always a chance that somewhere in this giant city, there will probably be someone, somewhere looking to hire at any given time. Unlike Nanaimo, which now only has 4 health stores to work for; one that I already worked for and wouldn't go back to, one that is owned by a previous manager of mine that I *definitely* wouldn't go to, and two others that either rarely hire, or wouldn't hire me anyway.
Needless to say, I am glad my experience is getting recognized for once, and is yet another reason why I am quite enjoying being in Vancouver.
**********************
Dear lord, this entry is already huge, and I'm not even done complaining yet. >_> I guess that's why I shouldn't leave my entries for so long. But in all fairness, all of this was stuff that wasn't really bothering me excessively enough to write about until today.
I'm really upset with myself. I've tried to distract myself by looking into things that I enjoy doing, including being in this city...and it's worked a good degree for the most part, but then every so often I just find something or think about something or remember something....and all of a sudden I just remember why I'd like to stab myself in the heart sometimes.
It's fucking painful, and occasionally I find my mind drifting off and wondering if it would make any difference or not to the world around me if I wasn't alive. I should clarify. I don't mean suicidal thoughts. I just mean wondering about whether or not me existing in a person's life really makes any difference one way or the other. Not the nicest thoughts for myself, I know. But it tries to creep into my head every so often. I usually just beat it right the fuck back out again. In any case, it always makes me ponderous and curious about it. I know that I invest a hell of a lot more emotional energy toward the people I care about than I probably should. I also know that in many of those cases, I'm not as important to them as they are to me. And it's that realization that makes it hard to stave off depressive thoughts.
I like me as I am though, and I know that one of the things others like most about me is that I do care unconditionally (at least that's what the consensus seems to be). I will give someone my last piece of bread or last dollar in the bank. When someone becomes part of my life, I will care about them always, unless they do something extremely unforgiveable. And I'm pretty easy-going with that. There are friends that I have that sometimes I wonder why I continue to bother with them. But I do because I love them, and because hell...everyone slips up sometimes, I know I have, so who am I to hold that against someone?
What gets frustrating though is when I don't know what people think of me. My entire life I've had issues with getting accepted as my whole self, and not just liked for certain parts of it. So when I do find people that seem to understand me more or less, I devote all the more energy to them, because well, it's pretty hard for me to find them in the first place.
I am generally a very open and communicative person (as this, and most of my entries prove), and that can really be my bane at times, because a lot of people just aren't the same way. But what I have even more frustration with, is when *I* can't figure out what to say or how to say something to someone. I have certain conversations that have been brewing in my head for months, even years, to certain people, but I just can't get it out. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to just say something to someone. Well, no...I do know why. It's because I'm afraid of them. It's because I know that they have the power to damage me in a way that I can't easily recover from.
I get so concerned that anything I do or say can affect my relationships. It's even worse when I'm not entirely sure how much someone gives a crap in the first place. It's one thing to say something to someone and have them get upset at me about it. But it's far worse to say something to someone and have it not affect their lives at all. It just makes me feel like a ghost.
I wish I could say what I want to say more clearly. But I can't. I can't because yet again, I am protecting the feelings of the ones I care about before my own. But sometimes I wonder that if I keep putting myself last like this, if I will just wither away sooner rather than later....
I try to make a lasting impression on people that I know because I want them to remember that I love(d) them. But inevitably, there will always be people that it's just not meant to stick with. And you pass through their life like a falling leaf on a windy day. When I'm gone, you'll have to forget about me, because well, you just have to. It's just the way people are, and the way that life is. But I hate that part of it. I hate it so much. I don't want to just be a passerby. And that's why I'm so angry today. *sigh* ...But what's a girl to do? >_>
I wish I was an evergreen. Then I would never have to blow away.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Improbable.
Score 1 point for Tanya, who is apparently the only person who cared about my last post.
I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.
***********************
I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.
My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.
Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.
I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.
Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.
I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.
Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?
I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.
I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.
I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.
That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:
"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"
xoxo,
Me <3
I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.
***********************
I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.
My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.
Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.
I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.
Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.
I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.
Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?
I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.
I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.
I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.
That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:
"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"
xoxo,
Me <3
Friday, May 28, 2010
Face the Music.
Again, due to the length and number of hours this took me, I have not bothered to edit, so my apologies.
Okay, let's see if I can remember where I left off. Oh yes.
I had a bit of company last weekend from Owen and the band as the boys passed through town on their mini-tour thing they did. It was really nice having some people around that I knew. After that, I visited my friend Bev, whom I have not seen since the 3rd (possibly 4th) grade. We had sushi at this really cool comic themed restaurant.
Okay, let's see if I can remember where I left off. Oh yes.
I had a bit of company last weekend from Owen and the band as the boys passed through town on their mini-tour thing they did. It was really nice having some people around that I knew. After that, I visited my friend Bev, whom I have not seen since the 3rd (possibly 4th) grade. We had sushi at this really cool comic themed restaurant.
I started thinking about tatoos, since I have to get one next month. I had this design I was planning, that was basically a heart with pistols pointing outward, with an arc of nautical stars and roses above it, kind of classic style. Then I was thinking about how I always wanted to get the Hylian crest, and pondered for a while if I should get that instead. I debated, since the spot for either of those two tattoos would only work around the same place. So I have to think about it. Here's a doodle concept I sort of made for the crest:
The little symbols on top are the symbols of the races of Hyrule. I added the Sheikah one because I didn't think it would be complete without it. There's other stuff I'd like to do with the design, like add texture, possibly make the Triforce glow...but that's something I'd want the artist's opinions on. I also thought of making this into a huge piece, with the Master Sword behind it, going down my side. I can never think of a small, simple tattoo design. It's always got to be this big, ridiculous, grandiose idea. :P I need more space on my body for all those ideas! Seriously though, the Master Sword thing would still be pretty epic.
Speaking of tattoos. I've had an interesting past few days. One of the girls from Morrismore has this beautiful tattoo of Beethoven and a piece of music on her arm. It is probably one of the single most amazing tattoos I've ever seen.
There's a point to me mentioning this. Seeing that tattoo recently put thoughts of Beethoven into my head. I don't remember if it was solely that, or that and something else, but the other day I decided to randomly search for the chorus project I did in grade 6. I got to sing the Ode to Joy, and Finale chorus of the 9th Symphony (a piece that has been a part of my life since very young) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. I cannot think of a single moment since then where I have experienced so much overwhelming joy in one day. Well, two. There were two shows.
Anyway. I know that some people recorded the performance. But none of those people, apparently, posted any of it on the internet. Upon searching the WSO in youtube though, I found a beautifully done tribute to Zelda, which, since I love the WSO, orchestra music, and Zelda, I was brought almost to tears (a couple may have slipped out. I don't remember.) There's just something about that theme that I find so much joy in. I've always felt an emotional connection to Zelda. It is, in fact, structured not-so-inconspicuously around spiritual principles. Plus, the story is so beautiful. How can you not love it? Anyway, getting off topic.
A related link (no pun intended) on that page, let me to find this. All I saw were the words "Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra" and "Manitoba High School Choirs", and I clicked, since it sounded suspiciously like the project I had done. It wasn't (obviously, it wasn't a high school project, and it was done years later), but what I found was a rendition of music that I recently remembered at Burlesque Fest. My new burlesque hero, Jenny Magenta, did an amazing and very emotionally dramatic number that used the piece O Fortuna. You may not recognize it by name. But you've all heard it. It's that piece they play in movies when something epic is about to happen. And that was the song that this choir did:
The little symbols on top are the symbols of the races of Hyrule. I added the Sheikah one because I didn't think it would be complete without it. There's other stuff I'd like to do with the design, like add texture, possibly make the Triforce glow...but that's something I'd want the artist's opinions on. I also thought of making this into a huge piece, with the Master Sword behind it, going down my side. I can never think of a small, simple tattoo design. It's always got to be this big, ridiculous, grandiose idea. :P I need more space on my body for all those ideas! Seriously though, the Master Sword thing would still be pretty epic.
Speaking of tattoos. I've had an interesting past few days. One of the girls from Morrismore has this beautiful tattoo of Beethoven and a piece of music on her arm. It is probably one of the single most amazing tattoos I've ever seen.
There's a point to me mentioning this. Seeing that tattoo recently put thoughts of Beethoven into my head. I don't remember if it was solely that, or that and something else, but the other day I decided to randomly search for the chorus project I did in grade 6. I got to sing the Ode to Joy, and Finale chorus of the 9th Symphony (a piece that has been a part of my life since very young) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. I cannot think of a single moment since then where I have experienced so much overwhelming joy in one day. Well, two. There were two shows.
Anyway. I know that some people recorded the performance. But none of those people, apparently, posted any of it on the internet. Upon searching the WSO in youtube though, I found a beautifully done tribute to Zelda, which, since I love the WSO, orchestra music, and Zelda, I was brought almost to tears (a couple may have slipped out. I don't remember.) There's just something about that theme that I find so much joy in. I've always felt an emotional connection to Zelda. It is, in fact, structured not-so-inconspicuously around spiritual principles. Plus, the story is so beautiful. How can you not love it? Anyway, getting off topic.
A related link (no pun intended) on that page, let me to find this. All I saw were the words "Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra" and "Manitoba High School Choirs", and I clicked, since it sounded suspiciously like the project I had done. It wasn't (obviously, it wasn't a high school project, and it was done years later), but what I found was a rendition of music that I recently remembered at Burlesque Fest. My new burlesque hero, Jenny Magenta, did an amazing and very emotionally dramatic number that used the piece O Fortuna. You may not recognize it by name. But you've all heard it. It's that piece they play in movies when something epic is about to happen. And that was the song that this choir did:
Watch this. I mean it. I know I posted it on facebook, and if you didn't watch it there, watch it now. If you did watch it, watch it again. I'm serious. I full-on cried the first time I watched it.
Turn your lights off. All of them. Lay on your bed, or couch, or chair, or whatever. Sit if you have to, but I find laying down can open your senses to the sound more. Then play this piece. (Use this version when doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3zVJh6dB_4) Let it play, and feel it. If you have your own house, crank it. Trust me, it's worth it.
You can't listen to this piece without feeling the intense emotion in it. You can't listen to this piece without feeling something. I'm pretty sure even a robot would be moved by that. If you didn't listen to it just now, stop being a tool, take me seriously, and do it. Post comments for me on how you reacted.
The night I found this I immediately started playing it repeatedly, found the latin lyrics, and sang along (soprano...and let me tell you, those are glass-shatter worthy notes) until my voice was hoarse. I put it on my mp3 player and played it repeatedly when I went to bed. It successfully acted as a lullaby and I finally took out my headphones moments before I slept, the mp3 player nestled under the sheets beside me...a literal version of what I was thinking at that very moment...if nothing else, music will always be with me, everywhere I go.
The next day, I woke up and sang more O Fortuna, even did some singing warm-ups to help me do it. It felt so good. I remembered singing Ode to Joy. I decided to look that up, and found random pieces and versions on youtube. I decided to download it, and at the 4th try, found a really good version of it. After that, I started looking up other of Beethoven's pieces I remembered from my youth, that and perhaps one or two pieces from other composers that I loved. Or maybe that was the day after that I searched for them. I forget.
Anyway, all of the events that transpired reminded me about my passion for classical music, and I have been listening to Beethoven, specifically that 13 minute excerpt of the symphony, for the past few days. It has overwhelmed me with emotion...specifically of joy and passion of life. I cannot help but feel divine when listening to this music. I anticipate the teasing of the orchestra that is the 'build up' before the explosion of the chorus, and it never fails to bring tingles to my spine. That particular part of the chorus, the Ode to Joy, the most well-known part of the symphony, is like a musical orgasm...excitement builds up to it...you're enthralled, as you're caught in a brief moment of suspense...as you anticipate something amazing about to happen...and then it does. A culmination of all things beautiful in the universe...it only lasts less than a minute...but the feeling you get from being part of something so divine is a feeling that I have not yet found something of an equivalent magnitude to rival with.
Anyway, since then, I've dreamed up a bunch of ideas for musical inspired tattoos. I've decided I'd like to go with a tribal-style piano on my hip to start. (Which is good, I am lacking tattoo ideas for my lower half) I would later like to put part of the 9th symphony on me, I just haven't figured out where or how or how big.
I found a Beethoven movie I haven't seen, called Copying Beethoven. It wasn't the most historically accuate movie, but it was still good and had a lot of good quotes from it. Directly after watching, I started chatting to DR, and because of the mood I was in, I started writing in poetic/romantic type responses that I should have put here instead (I started this entry before I started chatting. That was hours ago. :P). Here are some things I said.
On my current state of mind:
Me: i wanna see people :(
i is teh lonely.
DR: Me too.
Me: completely unrelated to me talking about text penises. (Side comment: Don't ask.)
DR: Yup
Me: seriously though.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
DR: Yup me too.
Me: it's weird, i grew up thinking i was a feminist when i was a kid
now i feel incomplete without the presence of men.
like, friends even
i don't quite understand it
DR: Yup. Its just what were wired to want.
Especially after we've had it once.
Me: I'm not talking about sex.
I've always thought I needed to be somewhere in between
I'm not girly
but I like pretty things
I also like loud music, and dressing like a pseudo-tough person
like I'm trying to channel some other energy.
taking the beauty of both worlds?
DR: I'm not either. (In regards to my first sentence above.)
On my listening to classical music:
DR: Why though? Didn't know you were into that.
Me: dude, i've always been into that.
my grandma taught piano. my mom taught piano. i played piano when i was a kid. i was in band. I am all about music. anyway...
er, mom played piano. attempted to teach me.
anyway, upon looking for that, i found a video of a similar project the wso did with a youth choir to 'o fortuna'
one of the most beautiful choruses ever
it kind of snowballed from that. I remembered how much i loved that chorus and i looked that up to.
then i looked up more pieces of beethoven that i could remember. just became immersed in it. i'd forgotten how much i loved it.
DR: I see. Interesting.
Me: i downloaded 'o fortuna' and sang and sang it, nearly broke my voice because it's so much higher than i'm used to singing.
i downloaded a part of the 9th symphony and have been listening to that incessantly the past couple days
i've been dreaming up musical tattoo ideas
On tattoos, life passions, and how I react to the symphony:
DR: Why are you so into tatoos?
Me: i really want to get a tribal style piano for my next one now
and perhaps if i can convince the model to let me copy her idea, plan out how to put part of the 9th symphony on me :P
i think they're beautiful.
everything is a piece of art
even your body
you can show it how you like
i like to draw on it
it's like taking a part of your soul and putting it on your skin
at least that's what my tattoos are
DR: Since when though? You never used to like that kinds stuff.
Interesting way of looking at it.
Me: i never showed an active interest, doesn't mean i never liked it.
DR: I see.
Me: when i was a kid i always thought i'd get a tattoo someday
didn't think a lot of it though
what started everything, was green day
DR: I see
Me: five years ago, i bought my first eyeliner, plaid skirt, and studded belt.
i have been different ever since.
i am always looking for new ways to express myself
this year, i am all about doing things you're passionate about
DR: I see.
Interesting
Me: i think it's something that's always been manifesting, it just took someone to kick me in the butt to do something about it
but it's true
life isn't worth living if not for the things that you're passionate about
it's why i'm getting so into this music
a lot of things that come up with beethoven, especially in this movie, was a connection to god
there is so much emotion in his music
i listen to the symphony all day.
DR: I see.
Me: no matter where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm looking at, if i'm in the bathroom, on the bus, anywhere...
DR: ?
Me: when that chorus starts up, i smile and feel full of love
it really is the ode to joy.
you can't listen to that without being overwhelmed
billie joe said a similar thing about an emotional song. there's just so much at stake...its really the only way you can look at music like that
i remember every word of the ode to joy (except one that i have to look up :P)
since i first learned it.
even though i haven't sung it in years
DR: I see.
Me: i want to practice with my voice again so that i can sing the soprano part i sung 13 years ago.
so i have just been overwhelmed with the beauty of the music.
plus, it helps me forget that i have no one
well, here
DR: Interesting
Me: when it plays, it's all you think about. it's all you need right in that moment.
here i am typing all this stuff when i should be putting it in my journal :P
DR: Haha. Just copy and paste! Lol.
Me: I will :P
DR: Good!
I think that about sums up a lot of my feelings in the last few days. I know I had more to explain, but this is getting long enough as it is. I may clarify other things later. But before I go, I wanted to share some quotes that I quite liked from this movie I watched.
"Dreams can be wonderful, they can also be dangerous. Sometimes all the more wonderful because of the danger."
"I'm a very difficult person, but I take comfort in the fact that God made me that way."
"The vibrations on the ear are the breath of God, speaking to man's soul. Music is the language of God. We musicians are as close to God as man can be. We hear his voice. We read his lips. We give birth to the children of God, who sing his praise. That's what musicians are. And if we're not that, we're nothing."
"Ugly. You think it's ugly. Of course it's ugly...But is it beautiful?"
"You can't have your head in the clouds unless there's shit on the soles of your boots!"
Anyways. In case you think this lengthy rant has made me forget about that exercise I told you to do, I haven't. Do it. Do it for the experience. I dare you to tell me you felt nothing. (Which if you do, I may have to sucker-punch the life back into you.)
I wanted to start this yesterday and hours later, went to bed with nothing to show for it. Now I've spent literally hours today thinking about what I want to write on here, and I've poured my heart and soul out, showing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings in a very elaborate, dramatic, and FREAKING LONG journal entry. So be a champ, and show your appreciation by commenting. What did my post make you think about? What did the music make you think about? What do you love? What music do you love?
If you give a half a damn about anything in the universe...anything at all, talk to me. I wanna know...I've gotten into an inspiration-themed mood. So at least humour me by telling me about something. If you don't want to leave a comment here, facecrack message me.
Come on, you read the part about me being alone here. I do need something to keep my mind stimulated. ;)
Much love to all.
(And if you're here, kudos for reading the whole thing. You're a trooper. Here, have some bonus points. :P Or if you enjoy Zelda, a new heart container.)
Dah-na-na-NAAAAAA!!!! (If you don't get the reference, You=Fail.)
/\/\
\..../ <---heart container?
..\/
xoxo,
Me <3 <3 <3
(Well, don't just stand there, go get those before they disappear! If you're feeling lazy, you can always use your hookshot or boomerang to get them for you. :P)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Work, yay! :D
Gah, how did I go from posting almost once a day, to like, a measly 3 posts so far this month? Teh laaame. But it's been busy and stuff. Burlesque fest, looking for work...and....more looking for work. I don't really know where the rest of the time went.
Good news though, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless, and today I got hired at a nutrition store in Sears. It's in Coquitlam, but it's only a 1/2 hour on the bus, so it's good. Seems like a nice place too, and really nice ladies work there. Plus, I start at $11 because I have experience, which is cool because that's better than I was expecting. And apparently after 3 months that gets reviewed. I also got this part time product demo thing, but I don't really know what kind of hours I'll be getting from that.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....I did have other news, but I always get distracted writing these things, and alas, it's time for bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow! :O
So today's post will be boring and pointless, but I'll try and finish tomorrow.
Tata my lovelies!!
xoxo,
Me
Good news though, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless, and today I got hired at a nutrition store in Sears. It's in Coquitlam, but it's only a 1/2 hour on the bus, so it's good. Seems like a nice place too, and really nice ladies work there. Plus, I start at $11 because I have experience, which is cool because that's better than I was expecting. And apparently after 3 months that gets reviewed. I also got this part time product demo thing, but I don't really know what kind of hours I'll be getting from that.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....I did have other news, but I always get distracted writing these things, and alas, it's time for bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow! :O
So today's post will be boring and pointless, but I'll try and finish tomorrow.
Tata my lovelies!!
xoxo,
Me
Monday, May 17, 2010
Break out those crazy-dance moves.
Okay, this is just balls. I keep getting good interviews, and never get called back. Wtf? I can't possibly think of a good reason why. I get callbacks right away for interviews, and then notta. This is getting really annoying.
Seeing as I can't stand a day longer doing my interviewing job, it seems that the only choice at this point is go go home to Nanaimo for a bit, which I DON'T want to do. Plus, it will make finding work here even harder.
I don't have much of a plan, other than stay as long as I can afford to, and when it comes down to my last $20, take the ferry over and stay in Nanaimo until someone hires me. By the looks of my bank account, that day isn't too far away. :/
I have another interview on Thursday that I'll see how I do on. It's for some product demonstrator thing for natural products. I'm not sure what exactly though, and whether or not it will require me to have my own transportation.
Gah.
Yesterday I was generally annoyed about a certain situation of mine, and at one point flipped out and did this random I-might-just-rip-something-into-shreds crazy dance in the middle of the livingroom. Like some sort of spazz/flail that was me trying to literally destroy my annoyed thoughts that danced in the very air in front of me. It lasted a few seconds, and surprisingly, felt good to do.
A bit later I put on some loud music and did a less insane version of this by just dancing/jumping around to Floor 13. I wanted to just exercise the annoyingness away, but alas my body got tired before my brain did. I had been jumping around with so much angsty gusto (Man, those two words just sound wrong next to each other. :/) that I got tired after just one song, so I sat back down and just put some other assorted loud music on and decided to sing it out for a bit instead.
I think at some point in there I started playing guitar, but after a while it wasn't entirely satisfying anymore, because I couldn't put the volume up to a decent stress-removing level. My landlord goes to bed at like, 7 or 8, so it really limits the amount of hours I can make noise in. Consider the fact that most of the time I don't wake up until the afternoon too. Le sigh.
So, I seem to have come to some sort of standstill for the time being. It's a retarded waiting game I'm stuck in...seems like everything in my life. But, right now it looks like it's got to be done. I'm hoping that things will smooth out for the most part within the next few weeks. I came here to live here, not to go back and live in fucking Nanaimo. After being here, that's the last place I really want to be. But, I need some sort of solution. So it will probably come to that.
Let's see how long I can hold out. Somebody's got to hire me at some point.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go play some loud music quietly. *shudder*
Seeing as I can't stand a day longer doing my interviewing job, it seems that the only choice at this point is go go home to Nanaimo for a bit, which I DON'T want to do. Plus, it will make finding work here even harder.
I don't have much of a plan, other than stay as long as I can afford to, and when it comes down to my last $20, take the ferry over and stay in Nanaimo until someone hires me. By the looks of my bank account, that day isn't too far away. :/
I have another interview on Thursday that I'll see how I do on. It's for some product demonstrator thing for natural products. I'm not sure what exactly though, and whether or not it will require me to have my own transportation.
Gah.
Yesterday I was generally annoyed about a certain situation of mine, and at one point flipped out and did this random I-might-just-rip-something-into-shreds crazy dance in the middle of the livingroom. Like some sort of spazz/flail that was me trying to literally destroy my annoyed thoughts that danced in the very air in front of me. It lasted a few seconds, and surprisingly, felt good to do.
A bit later I put on some loud music and did a less insane version of this by just dancing/jumping around to Floor 13. I wanted to just exercise the annoyingness away, but alas my body got tired before my brain did. I had been jumping around with so much angsty gusto (Man, those two words just sound wrong next to each other. :/) that I got tired after just one song, so I sat back down and just put some other assorted loud music on and decided to sing it out for a bit instead.
I think at some point in there I started playing guitar, but after a while it wasn't entirely satisfying anymore, because I couldn't put the volume up to a decent stress-removing level. My landlord goes to bed at like, 7 or 8, so it really limits the amount of hours I can make noise in. Consider the fact that most of the time I don't wake up until the afternoon too. Le sigh.
So, I seem to have come to some sort of standstill for the time being. It's a retarded waiting game I'm stuck in...seems like everything in my life. But, right now it looks like it's got to be done. I'm hoping that things will smooth out for the most part within the next few weeks. I came here to live here, not to go back and live in fucking Nanaimo. After being here, that's the last place I really want to be. But, I need some sort of solution. So it will probably come to that.
Let's see how long I can hold out. Somebody's got to hire me at some point.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go play some loud music quietly. *shudder*
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Great Thunderstorm.
I started this post yesterday, then had to leave in the middle of it, so I'm going to copy what I started and then go from there.
****************************
Geez, no post in a week? Time to do some catch up. It's been busy though; I spent the past four nights dousing myself in glitter and going to the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. My bathroom counter and sink are covered in a silvery sheen that would probably soon become an extension of my mirror if I continued the habit any longer. In any case, I've already dreamed up an idea for a new number, so hopefully I can jump into the Vancouver burlesque community pretty soon. I miss performing!
I had a trial shift for the job I'm trying to get. It went well, I did a bunch of different things, but it's kind of chaotic in there so I'm sure there's a zillion other things I'd have to learn if I got the job. I'm supposed to hear back by tomorrow though, so I'm hoping I get a good response. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with surveying.
In other news...the screwed-up world of me is still...well, screwed up. I can feel on top of the world all I want when I go out and do exciting things...but it doesn't stop all the inside things from happening. I try to keep busy. It's the least I can do to distract myself. But really, I have to wonder how long this is actually going to take.
I keep thinking about people who suffer from long-term depression. If you've always had something to be upset about, is it really ever possible to recondition yourself completely? People say you can, but honestly, have they tried it themselves? I've tried to break free of my negative habits for years, and I don't think I've really gotten that far with it. Sure, progress happens...slow, sometimes agonizing progress...but how much is it really changing? No matter what I do and what new things I find happiness in, that tendency to think that my doom is near seems to always hang over my head like a thunder cloud, always waiting for the next opportune moment to strike me again.
I want off buttons. Sure, having such a robotic control of emotions would likely bring about the end of humanity. But there are just certain times when being able to stop thinking or feeling a certain thing would certainly be a giant help. Like right now. Right now would be a really excellent time for me to be able to turn some feelings off. And other ones back on. To get my head in the right place...or at least the place I was hoping I'd have it in at this stage in the game. Expectations are ridiculous. But people place an extremely high value on them. Why? Why can't I just be happy with what I've got thus far, instead of getting upset over what I haven't?
Which brings me back to the cloud. Damn you, cloud. Damn you anyways for fucking with me. I was born with a sunny heart, and you have made a shambles of her. You saw my pure intentions and that displeased you. My will was too strong to conquer, so instead you went for my emotions. She was innocent, and just wanted someone to share the sky with; that would compliment the light with a cool shade. Instead she got a thundercloud. A fucking dramatic, gloomy attention whore of a cloud. Even so, she always shines nonetheless, trying so hard to get the light through. But that just makes it try even harder to block her out. She might be able to get rid of it completely one day...but the damage left behind might not be as easy to hide.
**************************
That was as far as I got. I know there was more I wanted to add, but I was just so frustrated I couldn't really deal with thinking. But I'm sure you get the gist. I'm just so tired. So tired of things being as stupid as they are for so long. I don't really remember a time when they weren't, and it makes it all the harder to be able to switch over my way of thinking.
I went over to Aaron and Kat's yesterday for a meeting they put together for the models on debt counseling. It was pretty helpful, and it was also nice to just go and chat with people for a bit. Makes me feel a bit more normal now that I'm getting to know some people around here.
On the way home, I got to the bus stop to find out that it would be another 20 minutes until the next bus, which was pretty much the time it would take me to walk home, so I did that instead. As I walked, as usual I had music on, and of course when I do that it always reminds me of certain people.
At one point I felt like I wanted to cry about something, and my eyes watered a bit, but I kept myself distracted by music and the brisk air. I took some deep breaths. Couldn't get rid of it though. I was almost home when I flipped my freaking foot again. Four days in a row of wearing heels and I was fine...but I walk on flat ground in normal shoes and I hurt myself. Fuck. It always happens when I'm upset or distracted. In any case I'm fine, but I just thought it was stupid.
I came home and had nothing much to do, so I started poking around excel to see if I could work out some budget stuff. I went through a few things, and as the hours wore on I realized how incredibly fucked over my finances actually were. Bills I'd forgotten about. Bus money I would never have even if I got a new job, because the transit is so freaking expensive...and that's not even the half of it. There were so many things, it was just overwhelming. And then it happened.
I knew the day would come. I thought I was doing pretty good at avoiding it, and in fact almost thought I would be able to skip it entirely with the success I've had with distraction lately. I've been happy here, and find myself smiling in the weirdest places and occasions because of it. But I knew before I left that one one random night would come along where I would be caught off guard, and my wall would be broken down.
I started bawling my face off. Anything and everything that I could possibly be upset about all came rushing forward at once.
It was about 2:00am by this point, and I figured I'd send an email to Owen's work address so he'd get it by tomorrow. I started typing and trying to say everything I wanted to say, but my fingers didn't work as fast as I was thinking. So instead I called home. It took probably at least a half hour or so for me to calm down, and finally hung up the phone around three. I had a temporary solution, but it still didn't stop me from being angry at myself.
I'm significantly calmer now than yesterday, but the fact still remains. Some things I just do and never know why I do them. I turned my life upside-down, and what the hell for. Everyone knows moving doesn't help anyone's problems. And now I'm here, broke and broken. Sure it's great to be doing something new and different. But that doesn't do anything about the things that take up most of my concern.
I know, I must sound like a terrible pessimist. Or at least some people might think so. (*Raises eyebrow* ...Yeah.)
But really, the truth is, I have been happy, and I'm glad about that. It's just that it's been really hard adjusting to everything. And I don't just mean moving and getting used to a new place and way of living and all that junk. I just really mean everything, like, in general. When I was walking home last night I was like, shit...I'm not in a place anymore that if I'm ridiculously upset in the middle of the night I don't just have a friend's house a few minutes away to walk to and have some company and a way to calm down. I have no company. I talk to people through my computer for the most part; I save my phone card minutes for when I need them.
There's just not a lot going on to keep my confidence in myself up these days. I'm just kind of in the midst of an 'everything is falling apart' stage, which cannot seem to go by any slower...and I need some kind of moral support, but most of the people who can offer me that are in another city. I guess the point of this experience is to find it in myself, but really, I'm so fucking tired of that. Either way, all I can do is keep living, and see what happens.
Anyhoo, I'm sure I could go on typing forever. But I talk about this all the time, and every time. And right now, I just really want to go to bed.
I didn't hear back from that job thing yet. I think I might give them a ring tomorrow to see what they thought of me, just for the heck of it.
I'll update the news of that as I have it, along with all the other things I'm sure I'm forgetting in this entry...even though it ended up being double the length it was supposed to be, now that it is filled with two days worth of thoughts instead of one.
...
Bah. Mind blank.
I can't wait to get back to dancing again. Is it wrong that I love the adoration I get only when half-naked? From people that would probably just ignore me otherwise? Maybe...but I love it anyway, so fuck it.
xoxo,
Me
****************************
Geez, no post in a week? Time to do some catch up. It's been busy though; I spent the past four nights dousing myself in glitter and going to the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. My bathroom counter and sink are covered in a silvery sheen that would probably soon become an extension of my mirror if I continued the habit any longer. In any case, I've already dreamed up an idea for a new number, so hopefully I can jump into the Vancouver burlesque community pretty soon. I miss performing!
I had a trial shift for the job I'm trying to get. It went well, I did a bunch of different things, but it's kind of chaotic in there so I'm sure there's a zillion other things I'd have to learn if I got the job. I'm supposed to hear back by tomorrow though, so I'm hoping I get a good response. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with surveying.
In other news...the screwed-up world of me is still...well, screwed up. I can feel on top of the world all I want when I go out and do exciting things...but it doesn't stop all the inside things from happening. I try to keep busy. It's the least I can do to distract myself. But really, I have to wonder how long this is actually going to take.
I keep thinking about people who suffer from long-term depression. If you've always had something to be upset about, is it really ever possible to recondition yourself completely? People say you can, but honestly, have they tried it themselves? I've tried to break free of my negative habits for years, and I don't think I've really gotten that far with it. Sure, progress happens...slow, sometimes agonizing progress...but how much is it really changing? No matter what I do and what new things I find happiness in, that tendency to think that my doom is near seems to always hang over my head like a thunder cloud, always waiting for the next opportune moment to strike me again.
I want off buttons. Sure, having such a robotic control of emotions would likely bring about the end of humanity. But there are just certain times when being able to stop thinking or feeling a certain thing would certainly be a giant help. Like right now. Right now would be a really excellent time for me to be able to turn some feelings off. And other ones back on. To get my head in the right place...or at least the place I was hoping I'd have it in at this stage in the game. Expectations are ridiculous. But people place an extremely high value on them. Why? Why can't I just be happy with what I've got thus far, instead of getting upset over what I haven't?
Which brings me back to the cloud. Damn you, cloud. Damn you anyways for fucking with me. I was born with a sunny heart, and you have made a shambles of her. You saw my pure intentions and that displeased you. My will was too strong to conquer, so instead you went for my emotions. She was innocent, and just wanted someone to share the sky with; that would compliment the light with a cool shade. Instead she got a thundercloud. A fucking dramatic, gloomy attention whore of a cloud. Even so, she always shines nonetheless, trying so hard to get the light through. But that just makes it try even harder to block her out. She might be able to get rid of it completely one day...but the damage left behind might not be as easy to hide.
**************************
That was as far as I got. I know there was more I wanted to add, but I was just so frustrated I couldn't really deal with thinking. But I'm sure you get the gist. I'm just so tired. So tired of things being as stupid as they are for so long. I don't really remember a time when they weren't, and it makes it all the harder to be able to switch over my way of thinking.
I went over to Aaron and Kat's yesterday for a meeting they put together for the models on debt counseling. It was pretty helpful, and it was also nice to just go and chat with people for a bit. Makes me feel a bit more normal now that I'm getting to know some people around here.
On the way home, I got to the bus stop to find out that it would be another 20 minutes until the next bus, which was pretty much the time it would take me to walk home, so I did that instead. As I walked, as usual I had music on, and of course when I do that it always reminds me of certain people.
At one point I felt like I wanted to cry about something, and my eyes watered a bit, but I kept myself distracted by music and the brisk air. I took some deep breaths. Couldn't get rid of it though. I was almost home when I flipped my freaking foot again. Four days in a row of wearing heels and I was fine...but I walk on flat ground in normal shoes and I hurt myself. Fuck. It always happens when I'm upset or distracted. In any case I'm fine, but I just thought it was stupid.
I came home and had nothing much to do, so I started poking around excel to see if I could work out some budget stuff. I went through a few things, and as the hours wore on I realized how incredibly fucked over my finances actually were. Bills I'd forgotten about. Bus money I would never have even if I got a new job, because the transit is so freaking expensive...and that's not even the half of it. There were so many things, it was just overwhelming. And then it happened.
I knew the day would come. I thought I was doing pretty good at avoiding it, and in fact almost thought I would be able to skip it entirely with the success I've had with distraction lately. I've been happy here, and find myself smiling in the weirdest places and occasions because of it. But I knew before I left that one one random night would come along where I would be caught off guard, and my wall would be broken down.
I started bawling my face off. Anything and everything that I could possibly be upset about all came rushing forward at once.
It was about 2:00am by this point, and I figured I'd send an email to Owen's work address so he'd get it by tomorrow. I started typing and trying to say everything I wanted to say, but my fingers didn't work as fast as I was thinking. So instead I called home. It took probably at least a half hour or so for me to calm down, and finally hung up the phone around three. I had a temporary solution, but it still didn't stop me from being angry at myself.
I'm significantly calmer now than yesterday, but the fact still remains. Some things I just do and never know why I do them. I turned my life upside-down, and what the hell for. Everyone knows moving doesn't help anyone's problems. And now I'm here, broke and broken. Sure it's great to be doing something new and different. But that doesn't do anything about the things that take up most of my concern.
I know, I must sound like a terrible pessimist. Or at least some people might think so. (*Raises eyebrow* ...Yeah.)
But really, the truth is, I have been happy, and I'm glad about that. It's just that it's been really hard adjusting to everything. And I don't just mean moving and getting used to a new place and way of living and all that junk. I just really mean everything, like, in general. When I was walking home last night I was like, shit...I'm not in a place anymore that if I'm ridiculously upset in the middle of the night I don't just have a friend's house a few minutes away to walk to and have some company and a way to calm down. I have no company. I talk to people through my computer for the most part; I save my phone card minutes for when I need them.
There's just not a lot going on to keep my confidence in myself up these days. I'm just kind of in the midst of an 'everything is falling apart' stage, which cannot seem to go by any slower...and I need some kind of moral support, but most of the people who can offer me that are in another city. I guess the point of this experience is to find it in myself, but really, I'm so fucking tired of that. Either way, all I can do is keep living, and see what happens.
Anyhoo, I'm sure I could go on typing forever. But I talk about this all the time, and every time. And right now, I just really want to go to bed.
I didn't hear back from that job thing yet. I think I might give them a ring tomorrow to see what they thought of me, just for the heck of it.
I'll update the news of that as I have it, along with all the other things I'm sure I'm forgetting in this entry...even though it ended up being double the length it was supposed to be, now that it is filled with two days worth of thoughts instead of one.
...
Bah. Mind blank.
I can't wait to get back to dancing again. Is it wrong that I love the adoration I get only when half-naked? From people that would probably just ignore me otherwise? Maybe...but I love it anyway, so fuck it.
xoxo,
Me
Monday, May 3, 2010
Random thoughtball of the day.
(Look Kara, I finally used it in a sentence. Okay fine...it's a sentence fragment. Whatever. Who the fuck cares about grammar anyway?)
I keep thinking I want to write something, but I can never really think of a good way to put what I'm thinking about.
Good lord, I just used the word 'think' three times in that sentence. It's a word I should really banish from my vocabulary.
*sigh* I go up and down and in and out and through and around....always around...I'm always going somewhere, it seems. It's been an interesting time so far here in Vancouver, nothing extremely exciting, but a lot of things that I'm just noticing around me and it has been a lot to take in.
I'm starting to miss human contact a little though.
My mind swims. Sooo much swimming. I've been pretty successful at ignoring it while I've been over here, what with all the above-mentioned distractions and all. Though I get kind of concerned about the point where I'll have nothing to distract myself with anymore and I'll have some kind of fit.
The war within my head has been laying low and could be viewed as comical at this point, to myself, and anyone I'd try to explain it to. But really, just like nervous laughter, it's just a lighter way of putting things so that I don't have to notice the painful side of the situation. But I will eventually; that much is inevitable.
I get so confused. So, so, so, so, SO confused. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I mean, sure, you could say no one does. And perhaps everyone is thinking this exact same thing, right now. Maybe they are, but that argument doesn't get me any closer to my own solution.
I look at things in a self-teasing point of view at the moment, but truth be told, I am less than content with my current thought processes. But I guess that much is already evident.
Males are also confusing. Interesting, but confusing. >_>
I like that t-shirt that says, "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them."
I propose that me, Kara and Tanya run away together.
(No Jean, you can't come. :P)
Okay, I think I'm done now. I'll continue my thoughts (or at least explain some of them) tomorrow or something. Tata.
xoxo,
Me
I keep thinking I want to write something, but I can never really think of a good way to put what I'm thinking about.
Good lord, I just used the word 'think' three times in that sentence. It's a word I should really banish from my vocabulary.
*sigh* I go up and down and in and out and through and around....always around...I'm always going somewhere, it seems. It's been an interesting time so far here in Vancouver, nothing extremely exciting, but a lot of things that I'm just noticing around me and it has been a lot to take in.
I'm starting to miss human contact a little though.
My mind swims. Sooo much swimming. I've been pretty successful at ignoring it while I've been over here, what with all the above-mentioned distractions and all. Though I get kind of concerned about the point where I'll have nothing to distract myself with anymore and I'll have some kind of fit.
The war within my head has been laying low and could be viewed as comical at this point, to myself, and anyone I'd try to explain it to. But really, just like nervous laughter, it's just a lighter way of putting things so that I don't have to notice the painful side of the situation. But I will eventually; that much is inevitable.
I get so confused. So, so, so, so, SO confused. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I mean, sure, you could say no one does. And perhaps everyone is thinking this exact same thing, right now. Maybe they are, but that argument doesn't get me any closer to my own solution.
I look at things in a self-teasing point of view at the moment, but truth be told, I am less than content with my current thought processes. But I guess that much is already evident.
Males are also confusing. Interesting, but confusing. >_>
I like that t-shirt that says, "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them."
I propose that me, Kara and Tanya run away together.
(No Jean, you can't come. :P)
Okay, I think I'm done now. I'll continue my thoughts (or at least explain some of them) tomorrow or something. Tata.
xoxo,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)