Indecisive.

I've been having thoughts lately, and at random times in recent months of making amends with something that cut a very deep wound in my heart last year. But I've been hesitating, because I'm not sure where these ponderments are coming from.

I could say that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm content enough with various things that I'm able to get over the pain of the event and let it go for my own sake. That I'm welcoming being over that and want to have love in my heart instead of hate. Part of me remembers that we're all just human beings that all have our asshole moments, some just are more permanent than others. I know underneath all the anger and pain that I loved these people very much, and the people I knew are still in there, somewhere.

But then I wonder if I'm just wanting to do it for the opposite reason, out of fear and the inability to move forward. Holding on to familiar things instead of venturing into new ones because the past seemed stable. Afraid to just cut the last of the ties, close the chapter, and forget about it. Because it fucking hurts. When someone is that close to you for that many years, it's difficult to just be able to forget about them. I am a sensitive person. I remember things; they seem to stay in the back of my mind whether I actively think about them or not, consciously or subconsciously effecting future decisions. I realize that learning how to let go of things is something that I have to figure out how to do for myself. But I'm not really there yet, and so things like this continue to actively effect me.

Which kind of brings me back to my first thought that maybe, just maybe, I am getting there...and that maybe talking to these 'ghosts of the past' just as one human being to another might just be a first step in healing things. Not just for this situation, but to help me learn how to apply the experience to other issues as well.

But there have been so many times over the past year and even recently where all I wished was that I had someone close and familiar to talk to about things going on. To share my excitement, talk about my adventures, express my feelings good and bad. To listen when I really need it (and lord knows I always do) help me feel loved when I'm down and lost and don't know what to do, and reassure me when I get frustrated with my ever confusing heart.

I have many wonderful people in my life who have been there through all of these things and I love them immensely. Yet somehow at times I still just miss old bonds. The person that knew everything. But then...I suppose I didn't know everything about them until I got hurt. And then I remember my fears again.

What if talking to them just makes things worse? Rehashing terrible experiences, and going through all those arguments and emotions I chose not to go through at the time because I wanted to pull as far away from the pain as possible? Sure, I wanted to rage, cry, and fight it out. But I didn't. I mean, I tried but then backed off. I sent messages, even left an angry voicemail. Then nothing. Which I suppose is kind of unlike me...but it was sort of one of those situations where just nothing you ever knew made sense anymore. Something that was just too much to try to wrap your head around.

I wonder if I'm only wanting to talk to them because they were something secure in the past. Because when I feel down, I remember that is who was always there when I felt down before. Sometimes there just doesn't seem to be enough familiarity built here yet. At the same time I feel like I'm just being a whineypants. When I get down it's easy for me to feel like I'm more alone than I really am in reality and I just think about how unfair it was that I lost something so dear. I suppose it's something that comes out in my depressed waves.

I somehow think that I might be able to remedy that hole they ripped open in me by making them share responsibility in fixing it. After all, we had so many good memories, right? And I get caught in my sadness sometimes, remembering those memories instead of making new ones with the people that matter most to me now. The ones who are here for me now, and making me happy in the current moment, and helping me get over and forget about all the idiots of the past.

I'm not saying that it makes sense or that I even really believe that making amends with these people would make anything better, but a part of me thinks about it when I get into reminiscent moods. Honestly I know that things happen for certain reasons and getting through one chapter leads you to new adventures. Really, I am happy to be where I am right now.

So now I'm sitting here writing this, wondering if I've just answered my own question with that last thought or if I should take more time to think about which theory makes the most sense. I have to let go of that which haunts me and keeps a gripping fear in me that seems to keep me too controlled. Maybe this whole post was just for naught because when I think of the wonderful people that are around me now, all I can think of is fuck those twats that just didn't give a shit about me when it came down to getting what they wanted. And really. Do you think they'd be the ones to ever contact me to talk? Of course not. It's always me.

I have been trying lately to remember what makes me happy and live in the moment instead of worrying about the future or missing what was left behind in the past. And you know what, I'm happier than I have felt in a really long time. Perhaps ever.

I am full of love and gratitude for those amazing people in my life who contribute to that happiness every day. You motivate me to keep going and to continue to find ways to heal, absolve burdens and become a happier person. And honestly, I don't know what life would be like without all of you. ♥

xoxo, Me

Reminiscence.

It is time once again for me to quench my random urge to blog. It happens from time to time. I don't even have anything specific I wanted to write about, I just decided I should start typing and see what happens.

There has been a lot of change recently as per the norm of this year. Moved a second time, kind of out of nowhere. I'm not really sure what it is in my brain that makes these decisions, but I think it's mostly a way of challenging my own self to see what else I'm capable of dealing with. So far, I'm content with my decision. I still get the occasional wrench thrown in the way here and there, but it would seem that there hasn't been anything I can't bounce back from.

I've had Mom on my mind a lot lately and I'm not quite sure why. I don't even know if it's anything specific or if she's just trying to make me aware of something. I think part of it might be because something in the house reminded me of our old place. It's mostly terrible memories. But I also really miss her right now. Things happen from time to time where I really wish I had her reassurance.

I have to say though, this summer I have been increasingly happier than I have been in a longass time, and it feels good. I seem to be recovering from things quicker than I used to. Having active projects to work on really helps keep me going. Being able to regularly socialize these days has made a tremendous difference as well.

It's still lonely inside my head. And that's something that will still take a lot of work to overcome. I like feeling close to people, yet I'm afraid of getting there. I haven't let anyone close to me in a while now. I still think of the people that came in and out of my life earlier this year, and things like that seem to just make me pre-emptively worry about junk that my mind just makes up. I am afraid to tell people certain things sometimes, which is generally a rare occurrence for me.

When I start to think I might like someone, I freak out about it and try to deny it to myself as long as possible because I know what my brain does. I get easily distracted, and before I even realize what the hell is happening, my guard has already been down for a long while. I start reacting to things that previously wouldn't have bothered me and I become keenly aware of how vulnerable I am.

That happened a few months ago and I didn't even see it coming. Then all of a sudden everything disappeared. It's heartbreaking when you can pour your heart out to a person one day and then be afraid to speak to them the next. I always wonder what people are thinking. I shouldn't, but it seems I can't help always worrying about what the people I care about think of me. I am always doubting myself.

All I've ever wanted to do was make others happy, but it seems that I often just frustrate the ones that are closest to me because I often don't even know what's wrong. Myself most of all. Except I'm the only one who can't go anywhere. The ironic part of that is, I'm not the type of person who would leave in the first place.

I suppose none of this is really making much sense without the details. That's fine, most of my thoughts end up coming out like that. Right now I'm too tired to think much harder on it, I just needed to write. Perhaps I'll come back to this later.

Tata for now, kittens.

xoxo,

Me

PS - Adorable kitties. That is all.