Sometimes all I want to do is just drop everything and just go back to Nanaimo. If there's one thing that drives me crazy more than anything else is being so alone all the time. I can't just walk down the street to see a friend, or even pick up the phone to talk, since it's now long distance every time.
And I would totally just move back too, if I even knew what I would do once I was over there. I've come to the realization lately that yes, many work environments just turn me off, and I can't just continue to do pointless jobs that won't get my anywhere anymore. That aside, even if it's something that doesn't completely contribute to where I want to go, I at least want it to be positive and enjoy what I'm doing for the time being.
I do have that here, I have a job I like and I work with good people that care about each other. Sure, I don't have money for a lot of extras with the hours I do, but I have what I need and I'm happy about that. I am trying to find a second job elsewhere to allow for social/hobby expenses, but so far I haven't really found anything that suitable yet.
I like the city I'm in. I do. I live in a nice area, I have a good and affordable place to live. I don't get to do as many of the side activities that I want to, because no one in town really knows me and the ones that do seem too busy to talk to me about anything.
But what I can't take is just having to be here by myself all the time. With everything going on, sometimes all I want is to spend an evening with a friend or something and that's not even accessible to me unless if I have $50 to spend on a trip to Nanaimo. I can't just go out and do things because everything costs busfare to even walk out the door. I don't exactly live in the 'centre of it all,' so it's not like I can just walk down the street and expect something to happen. The only people that probably recognize me around here are a couple of cashiers from the neighbourhood Shopper's and Safeway.
Sure, you might say, well go make something happen. Well, if you have any ideas on how I should do that, tell me, because I can't really think of anything viable that I can do that would work. I meet people, I try to network, people act all friendly to talk to you for one moment, but then don't care the next. I put myself out there, I'm enthusiastic, but no one is really that concerned with someone they've barely heard the name of, if at all. It's infuriating.
I suppose things will continue to move on and change, and perhaps at some point I'll finally have established some roots here and have a purpose of being here. The thing was, since I got here, I've never really planted roots too deeply here on purpose, knowing that everything I still care about the most is left back in Nanaimo. And the more I have going on for me here, the harder it would make things, I think. I'm not the kind of person that wants to just come and go in anyone's life.
Being there for the people I care about has always been something of the utmost importance to me. For me to leave all that, I almost feel guilty about it. Like I'm doing all the things I always disliked hearing about other people doing. To me, staying and being there for people seemed like it was always the right choice, the responsible choice. That going and doing things for myself was selfish. Perhaps it was just a guilt that grew in my head with my mother's situation--yes, it's probably where it all started.
I realize I went a long time not really thinking about what was important for myself and I know that I have to make decisions to advance myself and that bring happiness into my life. Yet at the same time, I don't know if I could ever get complete happiness out of that because in the back of my head I will always feel incomplete without the people I love most in my life.
Sure, I like meeting new people. But at the same time I also hate it. I feel so worn out sometimes that the thought of having nothing that's familiar, solid and trusted in front of me just seems daunting. Sometimes people need something familiar to take comfort in, and here I have none of that.
The ladies I work with are sweethearts and I'm sure they would want to help me out if I was feeling upset. But at the same time that's not who I have my history with, who my memories are with, and who know me inside and out. Not to mention that as much as I care about them, I still need friends my own age to relate to.
Though sometimes I wonder about that. Of the friends I do regularly communicate with, it’s mostly online. Even the ones that are some of my closest friends don’t phone me unless if they think something extremely important is going on, and even then that’s occasional. I have to call first. And a lot of times I just can’t, because frankly I just can’t afford to.
And then what else do I have. People that just blatantly ignore me, probably block me, and otherwise just don’t talk to me like a normal human being or even care to respond to messages. People that I can’t talk to, sometimes even greet, without being ripped into one way or another. Sometimes even talking about something that I think is positive I get criticized for. Or people that think they can get away with saying whatever the hell they want to me (whether they--not me, but THEY--think it's good, bad, endearing, funny, or whatever the heck else) no matter how many times I’ve expressed being upset at how they talk to me.
For years I’ve always felt like I had to explain everything about why I am who I am in order to get people to understand me better. Sure, I get it. I have an odd personality. I like to be silly. Perhaps I’m a bit unconventional. But who cares? Really, who freaking cares? I AM ME! And I LIKE being me! And even though people say no, I don’t have to feel bad, or explain, or whatever, and that yes, they want me to stay how I am and yes, they understand me, at the same time they’re still filled with nothing but complaints about anything that comes out of my mouth. They say these things to me, yet what is proving them? What am I supposed to believe? Who can I really trust?
There are very few that I know who will care about me no matter what and hold no conditions to being my friend. I’ll admit I am probably always too trusting right off the bat and I end up figuring out that I invest way more energy into some people then they care to in return. Some cases take longer for me to figure out than others.
For anyone wondering, “why the bitchfest?”, I just want to say that I’ve been going through difficult times recently and perhaps I’m just more bitter than usual lately. But even so, a lot of the things I’ve mentioned here have been ongoing for a while.
I just want to feel appreciated, you know? Just like any other normal human being. I know what’s going on with me and basically what I need to do to get through it. I don’t need people telling me to get over it. Sometimes I just need a freaking hug from someone and genuine kind words. Some reassurance. Sure, I’m not in a unique situation. Sure, millions of people deal with this. It doesn’t mean that I have to do the exact same thing as everyone else, and I sure as hell don’t need lectures on why it’s so terrible to be sad and that I ought to deny those thoughts and just do “fun” stuff.
I get so tired of people saying you shouldn’t be or feel certain things. When I was a kid I hated being told not to cry, because for one thing it wasn’t in a nice manner, and for another, to me I saw that was just that the other people didn't want to feel guilty. People feel happy, people feel sad, people feel lots of things. And we’re supposed to! Just because you’re used to doing things one way doesn’t mean that you should make someone else feel guilty for expressing in a different way.
I know I’m being a rantaholic today, but day in and day out I am in a house by myself, and since there’s no one to talk to, my thoughts can never leave my brain and they just continue going around in frustrating circles in my head. Sometimes I think that I’ll eventually just spontaneously combust from all the pressure that’s building up inside there.
There are always questions and never answers to them. Right now, I have to figure out if my life is actually going anywhere here or if I’m just completely delusional. As far as things are going right now, I could speculate that the latter is more likely. But then again, I’m probably just moody right now.
I try hard. I really do. I try hard to do things for myself and then usually end up hitting a wall because there’s only so much I can figure out just by myself. People think I just need to go out and do something. Well how can I do that? I will say it right now: I don’t freaking know what to do! I don’t know what, I don’t know how. I don’t know HOW! I don’t. Stop telling me to do things like everyone else. I am not those people. It's not fair to make comparisons like that when each individual is given different circumstances in life.
No, I don’t have resources, I don’t have connections, I don’t have talents, I don’t have anything that I need to get pretty much anything going in my life at the moment. Don't measure me against other people that have things figured out already and found what and who they needed to break through. I am not there yet. I am not saying I’m not going to get there, or that I’m not taking steps to get there, I’m just saying it’s not fair that people just think this should be so simple and why the hell haven’t I got anywhere yet.
Anyway I better stop before anyone who I haven’t managed to offend yet and is still reading gets annoyed, too. If you have read this far, thanks. And I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I’m just tired of things and frustrated, and I started this damn post in the first place tonight because I’m feeling sad and missing people back home. I do love you guys. I miss everyone. I miss having all of your love around me and sharing enjoyable experiences together. I miss normal life. And I don’t know why everything had to change so suddenly.
Until next time.
Xoxo,
Me
