Methods of distraction.

I keep opening this page and staring at it, knowing I have 100 things to say, but not having a damn clue what to write on here.

There are certain things that I feel every single day, that I really can't put into words to describe. So far, the closest thing I've come to explanation is through music, which I am listening to almost every waking hour to keep myself sane. There is so much emotion at stake in Beethoven's works. As I listen, I can feel every note...and can imagine what kind of things you must be feeling to write music like that. Everything corresponds to something I'm experiencing as well. If I could put my thoughts and feelings into words right now, it would come out sounding something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqSulR9Fymg
(Listen to the whole thing or don't bother clicking.)

So yeah. I don't really have much I can add to that. If you can feel it, it pretty much speaks for itself. Different pieces I listen to can correspond with different moods or feelings, but this movement always resonates very strongly with me.

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And now for something a bit on the lighter side. I realized that my two favourite fictional heroes are quite the opposite on the outside:


Link, from Zelda


L, from Death Note

(This pic was originally 90 degrees to the left, I turned it because I like the way his face looks better this way...this pic is effing gorgeous but I cannot find the artist's name! Do note that he doesn't actually have angel wings, but is often portrayed with them by fan artists.)

Let's compare, yes?

Link: Blonde.
L: Black hair.

Link: Pointy ears.
L: Pointy hair.

Link: Always in a tunic or something green.
L: Always in a white shirt and blue pants.

Link: Always has boots on.
L: Always barefoot. I have never seen his character in shoes once.

Link: Stabs you with a sword.
L: Stabs you with his intellect.

Link: Never eats. (Potions don't really count.)
L: Is eating something sugary pretty much constantly.

And of course, the Sheeyan appeal...other than the fact that I want both of their hairstyles:

Link: His sweet elf earrings.
L: One word: Guyliner.

And now, similarities:

1. They're both altruistic and sacrifice their lives to save the world.
2. Both are trying to restore harmony to the world.
3. Either of their background stories (ie: What they're trying to resolve) are immersed in or based on spirituality/religion or otherworldly forces.
4. They're both pretty much loners, and;
5. Neither seems to have more than one person they 'trust', since...
6. Someone (who is trying to take over the world in one way or another) is always trying to kill them indirectly.
7. Neither ever seem to sleep.
8. Though for different reasons, neither one has a love life.
9. I did mention this already, but...SEXY HAIR!!! I so seriously want to steal their awesome hair. I know it's a retarded girly thing, but I can't help being envious nonetheless. ;)

After a bit of ponderment, I think, if I could be a video game or animated character of some kind, I would have to marry one of the two (you know, depending on what universe I ended up in) just on principle. I just adore their characters way too much.

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I realize this is a random entry, but oh well. I may have had more to add to the above but I can't really think of what it was, so if I remember I'll add it later.

I'm tired (as usual) and burnt out (as usual). I could spend more time ranting (you know I would), but I should get to bed.

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Blog Saved!

...Continue?

Yes
No <--

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Goodnight, my darlings.

xoxo,

Me

Things that don't grow on trees.

Okay, I'm angry again.

I've tried being happy with things the way they are. I really have. But one can only go for so long on so little without cracking at some point. This seems to be a regular occurrence for me. One that I really wish wouldn't happen, but does anyway. I'm trying to turn things around and make my destiny different. But that doesn't come without much turbulence.

I'm really fed up with this course and want it to be done already. I've been procrastinating doing my exam pre-assessment because I know how much I'll suck at it. I tried to do it today, just to get the fucking thing over with already since I am already behind for practicum...and I just couldn't do it. Couldn't understand a damn word past where I left off. Fucking fucks and their disrespect for the people that have to interpret their garbage reports. They may as well be talking with a hundred marshmallows in their mouths. If the dumb doctors are so busy, can't they just save us all time by hiring people to dictate? FUCK!

I'm going to call the school tomorrow and see what they recommend, because I've had it with this dumb course and just want it over as soon as possible. I mentioned a while back to my employment counselor that I may be moving, and she said she should be able to take care of things so that I don't have to deal with people "following up" with me for the next three months after the course is done, to see if I got a job out of their program. There's no such thing as programs made to benefit poor people. If they spend a precious dime--nay, penny--on you, they want to make sure you do something that pleases them with it, otherwise they want it back.

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What else am I angry about? Hm...oh yes. My EI claim last year got audited and now the government is sending me letters about "discrepancies." While in Nanaimo a few days ago, I got a letter saying they didn't know I quit Sears last year and asked me why. I fucking HAD to quit, because Sears was retarded...they hired me at part-time ("18 hours max" they said), gave me full time, and then later refused to give me what was originally promised when it was time for me to start school, and legally had to work less than 20 hours a week.

Now I have to get a letter from the place that funded the course confirming the policy that I was required to work under less than 20 hours a week. But instead of just answering a simple request, Amber Education is going through my files and asking me questions about it. They started asking me things about whether or not I was under contract yet when my employer refused to cut my hours. Why in hell would I have recorded the date of such a conversation? I wasn't fucking asking them to go through my file and try to find preemptive ways of protecting their own asses. No one's ass is on the line here except mine, and ALL I was asking of them is to confirm what their policy was, not whether or not it applied to me on one date or another.

Then I talk to them yesterday and she asked me to send my request in writing by snail mail, and that "once they received it, they could review my files and make a decision about my request." It's all so fucking retarded. I wasn't even allowed to email it, I HAD to send it by regular mail. Because you know, it's not like I'm on a time constraint and I only have less than two weeks to forward my information back to HRSDC...OH WAIT, I AM. So yeah. That's causing undue stress.

Aside from the Sears ordeal, apparently there were also some discrepancies in things I claimed compared to things my employers claimed they paid me. This is most likely related to the fact that when reporting income online, they don't let you put ".5" hours of anything, so you have to round to the next nearest number. Also, they don't have anywhere on the online forms to report things like vacation pay, which apparently you also have to report.

The lady couldn't tell me if the difference was a positive or negative number, but just that it was a "small amount", and couldn't define it any more than that. Wtf does that even mean? "Small amount" means nothing without a definition. To me, it would mean 50 dollars or less...maybe even less than $100 at most. But who knows...maybe they're used to seeing cases where people owe thousands of dollars, and maybe a few hundred is a "small amount" to them.

I told her that I was on EI for 30 weeks, and that I barely make enough money to buy groceries; I sure as hell can't pay them back hundreds of dollars. I have to wait another few days for the mail to come to Nanaimo to see what this "small amount" is. Like I said, she couldn't tell me whether this was money I owed or was owed to me...I would love it if it was the latter, but I highly doubt that it is. >_>

Having to pay back money would really fuck me over right now, considering I can barely make ends meet to begin with, and I have a trip I'm trying to plan and save money for. I literally have to watch every penny I spend right now to save myself from going in the red over the next couple of months before I can build my income back up. Stupid fucking audit.

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Now that I have a job, I can finally use Aaron and Kat's budgeting spreadsheet to plan things out a bit, and it is quite handy. What I'm trying to work out right now is how to get bills paid, groceries bought, busfare put aside, and still be able to save enough for my trip next month, which I am absolutely determined to do. When I say I literally have to watch every penny...I totally mean it. Even a couple bucks out in one place can put my funds in the negative. Things are doable as they are right now, and will be tight until about August or September, as it will take a few weeks to bounce back from my trip costs.

At least it will be that way if I work the same hours on my current job. The one bit of good news I can report today is that of the 6 resumes I sent out yesterday, I got calls for two interviews today. One is at a health store in Surrey, and the other is at a natural market in Maple Ridge. Both are about an hour and a half away by bus, which sucks, but if it's a job I'll enjoy I'm not too worried about that.

The one in Surrey pays $8 an hour plus 5% commission, which apparently "the way business is going now would end up being around $10 an hour." But I mean...it's in Surrey. So there's that. I have no idea what the one in Maple Ridge pays, but I am rooting more for that one just because, you know, it's not in Surrey. :P Both of the ladies I talked to from either place seemed nice though. I told the lady in Surrey that I work weekends and apparently she said it shouldn't be a problem. I mentioned to the lady in Maple Ridge that I work "near the end of the week" and she didn't say anything about it, although I also didn't specify which days.

I always get concerned because usually people are looking for someone to work weekends, and since I already got hired at a place that wants me to work on weekends, this makes finding a second job that much more annoying. I mean seriously...I understand why they might be harder to keep filled...but you just can't expect everyone to be able to work the exact same days as everywhere else. Anyway, I have my interviews for both of those places tomorrow. I'll have to weigh my options and see what will work best.

It's now more than ever that I'm thankful I have the specialization that I do. If I didn't have the knowledge base I did, I would probably still be trying to find a job, and most likely be back in Nanaimo being broke right now. I was really lucky to find the current job I have, with such wonderful people and a nice environment. When I went online job hunting on Sunday, I decided, you know what, this is what I do best, I may as well search specifically and only for jobs in that industry. I'm good at it anyway. Ordinary mall people don't want to hire me because I don't have the work history...and where I live, the malls would really be my only other option.

Luckily, when I went on craigslist I was able to find about a half-dozen job ads pertaining to natural health, which I think was a lucky coincidence. It's kind of why living in a metropolis is a good thing...because even in an industry where there are limited employers and even more limited (and experienced) potential employees, there is always a chance that somewhere in this giant city, there will probably be someone, somewhere looking to hire at any given time. Unlike Nanaimo, which now only has 4 health stores to work for; one that I already worked for and wouldn't go back to, one that is owned by a previous manager of mine that I *definitely* wouldn't go to, and two others that either rarely hire, or wouldn't hire me anyway.

Needless to say, I am glad my experience is getting recognized for once, and is yet another reason why I am quite enjoying being in Vancouver.

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Dear lord, this entry is already huge, and I'm not even done complaining yet. >_> I guess that's why I shouldn't leave my entries for so long. But in all fairness, all of this was stuff that wasn't really bothering me excessively enough to write about until today.

I'm really upset with myself. I've tried to distract myself by looking into things that I enjoy doing, including being in this city...and it's worked a good degree for the most part, but then every so often I just find something or think about something or remember something....and all of a sudden I just remember why I'd like to stab myself in the heart sometimes.

It's fucking painful, and occasionally I find my mind drifting off and wondering if it would make any difference or not to the world around me if I wasn't alive. I should clarify. I don't mean suicidal thoughts. I just mean wondering about whether or not me existing in a person's life really makes any difference one way or the other. Not the nicest thoughts for myself, I know. But it tries to creep into my head every so often. I usually just beat it right the fuck back out again. In any case, it always makes me ponderous and curious about it. I know that I invest a hell of a lot more emotional energy toward the people I care about than I probably should. I also know that in many of those cases, I'm not as important to them as they are to me. And it's that realization that makes it hard to stave off depressive thoughts.

I like me as I am though, and I know that one of the things others like most about me is that I do care unconditionally (at least that's what the consensus seems to be). I will give someone my last piece of bread or last dollar in the bank. When someone becomes part of my life, I will care about them always, unless they do something extremely unforgiveable. And I'm pretty easy-going with that. There are friends that I have that sometimes I wonder why I continue to bother with them. But I do because I love them, and because hell...everyone slips up sometimes, I know I have, so who am I to hold that against someone?

What gets frustrating though is when I don't know what people think of me. My entire life I've had issues with getting accepted as my whole self, and not just liked for certain parts of it. So when I do find people that seem to understand me more or less, I devote all the more energy to them, because well, it's pretty hard for me to find them in the first place.

I am generally a very open and communicative person (as this, and most of my entries prove), and that can really be my bane at times, because a lot of people just aren't the same way. But what I have even more frustration with, is when *I* can't figure out what to say or how to say something to someone. I have certain conversations that have been brewing in my head for months, even years, to certain people, but I just can't get it out. I really don't know why it's so hard for me to just say something to someone. Well, no...I do know why. It's because I'm afraid of them. It's because I know that they have the power to damage me in a way that I can't easily recover from.

I get so concerned that anything I do or say can affect my relationships. It's even worse when I'm not entirely sure how much someone gives a crap in the first place. It's one thing to say something to someone and have them get upset at me about it. But it's far worse to say something to someone and have it not affect their lives at all. It just makes me feel like a ghost.

I wish I could say what I want to say more clearly. But I can't. I can't because yet again, I am protecting the feelings of the ones I care about before my own. But sometimes I wonder that if I keep putting myself last like this, if I will just wither away sooner rather than later....

I try to make a lasting impression on people that I know because I want them to remember that I love(d) them. But inevitably, there will always be people that it's just not meant to stick with. And you pass through their life like a falling leaf on a windy day. When I'm gone, you'll have to forget about me, because well, you just have to. It's just the way people are, and the way that life is. But I hate that part of it. I hate it so much. I don't want to just be a passerby. And that's why I'm so angry today. *sigh* ...But what's a girl to do? >_>

I wish I was an evergreen. Then I would never have to blow away.

Improbable.

Score 1 point for Tanya, who is apparently the only person who cared about my last post.

I don't know why I try to communicate with humans sometimes. I think I've had more feedback from fuzzy kittens when emotional. But on with today's news.

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I went to Capilano University yesterday to inquire about some programs and figure out what I need to get into what there. I also have a consult at the Music Conservatory to see what level of voice lessons I'd need. Conveniently, there is also a music shop by my house that I can rent a clarinet from for cheap.

My problem is deciding what I want (story of my life, I'm telling you). If I had the money, I'd take voice, piano, clarinet AND guitar lessons. But alas I am poor and can't. As far as school goes, I want to do everything there as well. I want to conduct, be in the orchestra, sing in the choir, just sing in general, dance, act, perform. I just want to do so many things.

Naturally, I would say I'm more inclined to go into the music and/or conducting program than in the musical theatre program. Though it would be kick-ass to get vocal, dance, and acting training in one program. But I dunno. That's kind of why I'm trying to get myself evaluated...since I can't just decide which thing to take, I will have to let my abilities (or lack thereof) choose for me.

I know some people (including my mother) advise(d) against going to school for arts because 1) experience is better than schooling, at least for a lot of aspects of it anyway, and b) because people who have taken school are making about the same amount of money as I am now, and working in retail jobs. I'm lucky I'm at least specialized...so I'm able to make a couple bucks extra per hour than most retail jobs, provided I can get one in my industry. Alas, I have a dilemma. Either way, looking at these programs seems easy compared to my previous 9-year Naturopath plan. Which I am also not entirely sure I want to leave behind either.

Who the fuck knows. I sure as hell don't.

I wish things would make more sense with the passing of time. You'd think they would, what with the whole aging and "getting wiser" crap, but nope. Instead it just gets more and more confusing. And I'm not talking about school stuff and all that "what I want to do in life" junk. I just mean me in general. I thought me, as a whole, would make a lot more sense by this age in the game.

Instead it just feels like the older I get, the dumber I get. The more confusing and complicated I have to make things for myself. I had a perfectly good thing going on, and I've gone and effed it all up, both in my head and out. I feel like the world's biggest oblivious tool. Sometimes I feel like I'm to old and cynical inside for my age. At other times, I wish I had the wisdom of old age with me now, so that I can save myself from all of this unnecessary time wasting. I know that kind of defeats the very purpose of living. But really, who hasn't thought the exact same thing at some point or another?

I like being the age I am, but at the same time I would LOVE to tell my hormones to just fuck off for a day...or maybe even a couple months or a few years. :S Sometimes I think my life is just ridiculous...not even some of the time, but rather most of the time. Being a young girl just pisses me off sometimes. No wonder I fantasize about being a rockstar. Or dye my hair black and dress in buckles and chains. It's the most masculine thing I associate myself with. I think it brings some of my self-awareness back. Something that helps balance out the female-related craziness.

I've no clue what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to knock my own self out, in hopes that maybe if nothing else can knock some sense into me, maybe I can. It's just one of those annoying mental images that pops into my head a lot more often than it should, which in a sane person, should probably be never. Somebody should probably try to stop me before something totally absurd happens.

I swear, I'm impossible to figure out. FML.

That brings to mind a Big Bang Theory quote:

"You know what? I give up. He's impossible."
"I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say was, 'I give up. He's improbable.'"

xoxo,

Me <3