Face the Music.

Again, due to the length and number of hours this took me, I have not bothered to edit, so my apologies.

Okay, let's see if I can remember where I left off. Oh yes.

I had a bit of company last weekend from Owen and the band as the boys passed through town on their mini-tour thing they did. It was really nice having some people around that I knew. After that, I visited my friend Bev, whom I have not seen since the 3rd (possibly 4th) grade. We had sushi at this really cool comic themed restaurant.

I started thinking about tatoos, since I have to get one next month. I had this design I was planning, that was basically a heart with pistols pointing outward, with an arc of nautical stars and roses above it, kind of classic style. Then I was thinking about how I always wanted to get the Hylian crest, and pondered for a while if I should get that instead. I debated, since the spot for either of those two tattoos would only work around the same place. So I have to think about it. Here's a doodle concept I sort of made for the crest:
The little symbols on top are the symbols of the races of Hyrule. I added the Sheikah one because I didn't think it would be complete without it. There's other stuff I'd like to do with the design, like add texture, possibly make the Triforce glow...but that's something I'd want the artist's opinions on. I also thought of making this into a huge piece, with the Master Sword behind it, going down my side. I can never think of a small, simple tattoo design. It's always got to be this big, ridiculous, grandiose idea. :P I need more space on my body for all those ideas! Seriously though, the Master Sword thing would still be pretty epic.

Speaking of tattoos. I've had an interesting past few days. One of the girls from Morrismore has this beautiful tattoo of Beethoven and a piece of music on her arm. It is probably one of the single most amazing tattoos I've ever seen.

There's a point to me mentioning this. Seeing that tattoo recently put thoughts of Beethoven into my head. I don't remember if it was solely that, or that and something else, but the other day I decided to randomly search for the chorus project I did in grade 6. I got to sing the Ode to Joy, and Finale chorus of the 9th Symphony (a piece that has been a part of my life since very young) with the Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra. I cannot think of a single moment since then where I have experienced so much overwhelming joy in one day. Well, two. There were two shows.

Anyway. I know that some people recorded the performance. But none of those people, apparently, posted any of it on the internet. Upon searching the WSO in youtube though, I found a beautifully done tribute to Zelda, which, since I love the WSO, orchestra music, and Zelda, I was brought almost to tears (a couple may have slipped out. I don't remember.) There's just something about that theme that I find so much joy in. I've always felt an emotional connection to Zelda. It is, in fact, structured not-so-inconspicuously around spiritual principles. Plus, the story is so beautiful. How can you not love it? Anyway, getting off topic.

A related link (no pun intended) on that page, let me to find this. All I saw were the words "Winnipeg Symphony Orchestra" and "Manitoba High School Choirs", and I clicked, since it sounded suspiciously like the project I had done. It wasn't (obviously, it wasn't a high school project, and it was done years later), but what I found was a rendition of music that I recently remembered at Burlesque Fest. My new burlesque hero, Jenny Magenta, did an amazing and very emotionally dramatic number that used the piece O Fortuna. You may not recognize it by name. But you've all heard it. It's that piece they play in movies when something epic is about to happen. And that was the song that this choir did:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JOXZe1a-98

Watch this. I mean it. I know I posted it on facebook, and if you didn't watch it there, watch it now. If you did watch it, watch it again. I'm serious. I full-on cried the first time I watched it.

Turn your lights off. All of them. Lay on your bed, or couch, or chair, or whatever. Sit if you have to, but I find laying down can open your senses to the sound more. Then play this piece. (Use this version when doing this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3zVJh6dB_4) Let it play, and feel it. If you have your own house, crank it. Trust me, it's worth it.

You can't listen to this piece without feeling the intense emotion in it. You can't listen to this piece without feeling something. I'm pretty sure even a robot would be moved by that. If you didn't listen to it just now, stop being a tool, take me seriously, and do it. Post comments for me on how you reacted.

The night I found this I immediately started playing it repeatedly, found the latin lyrics, and sang along (soprano...and let me tell you, those are glass-shatter worthy notes) until my voice was hoarse. I put it on my mp3 player and played it repeatedly when I went to bed. It successfully acted as a lullaby and I finally took out my headphones moments before I slept, the mp3 player nestled under the sheets beside me...a literal version of what I was thinking at that very moment...if nothing else, music will always be with me, everywhere I go.

The next day, I woke up and sang more O Fortuna, even did some singing warm-ups to help me do it. It felt so good. I remembered singing Ode to Joy. I decided to look that up, and found random pieces and versions on youtube. I decided to download it, and at the 4th try, found a really good version of it. After that, I started looking up other of Beethoven's pieces I remembered from my youth, that and perhaps one or two pieces from other composers that I loved. Or maybe that was the day after that I searched for them. I forget.

Anyway, all of the events that transpired reminded me about my passion for classical music, and I have been listening to Beethoven, specifically that 13 minute excerpt of the symphony, for the past few days. It has overwhelmed me with emotion...specifically of joy and passion of life. I cannot help but feel divine when listening to this music. I anticipate the teasing of the orchestra that is the 'build up' before the explosion of the chorus, and it never fails to bring tingles to my spine. That particular part of the chorus, the Ode to Joy, the most well-known part of the symphony, is like a musical orgasm...excitement builds up to it...you're enthralled, as you're caught in a brief moment of suspense...as you anticipate something amazing about to happen...and then it does. A culmination of all things beautiful in the universe...it only lasts less than a minute...but the feeling you get from being part of something so divine is a feeling that I have not yet found something of an equivalent magnitude to rival with.

Anyway, since then, I've dreamed up a bunch of ideas for musical inspired tattoos. I've decided I'd like to go with a tribal-style piano on my hip to start. (Which is good, I am lacking tattoo ideas for my lower half) I would later like to put part of the 9th symphony on me, I just haven't figured out where or how or how big.

I found a Beethoven movie I haven't seen, called Copying Beethoven. It wasn't the most historically accuate movie, but it was still good and had a lot of good quotes from it. Directly after watching, I started chatting to DR, and because of the mood I was in, I started writing in poetic/romantic type responses that I should have put here instead (I started this entry before I started chatting. That was hours ago. :P). Here are some things I said.

On my current state of mind:

Me: i wanna see people :(
i is teh lonely.

DR: Me too.

Me: completely unrelated to me talking about text penises. (Side comment: Don't ask.)

DR: Yup

Me: seriously though.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

DR: Yup me too.

Me: it's weird, i grew up thinking i was a feminist when i was a kid
now i feel incomplete without the presence of men.
like, friends even
i don't quite understand it

DR: Yup. Its just what were wired to want.
Especially after we've had it once.

Me: I'm not talking about sex.
I've always thought I needed to be somewhere in between
I'm not girly
but I like pretty things
I also like loud music, and dressing like a pseudo-tough person
like I'm trying to channel some other energy.
taking the beauty of both worlds?

DR: I'm not either. (In regards to my first sentence above.)

On my listening to classical music:

DR: Why though? Didn't know you were into that.

Me: dude, i've always been into that.
my grandma taught piano. my mom taught piano. i played piano when i was a kid. i was in band. I am all about music. anyway...
er, mom played piano. attempted to teach me.
anyway, upon looking for that, i found a video of a similar project the wso did with a youth choir to 'o fortuna'
one of the most beautiful choruses ever
it kind of snowballed from that. I remembered how much i loved that chorus and i looked that up to.
then i looked up more pieces of beethoven that i could remember. just became immersed in it. i'd forgotten how much i loved it.

DR: I see. Interesting.

Me: i downloaded 'o fortuna' and sang and sang it, nearly broke my voice because it's so much higher than i'm used to singing.
i downloaded a part of the 9th symphony and have been listening to that incessantly the past couple days
i've been dreaming up musical tattoo ideas

On tattoos, life passions, and how I react to the symphony:

DR: Why are you so into tatoos?

Me: i really want to get a tribal style piano for my next one now
and perhaps if i can convince the model to let me copy her idea, plan out how to put part of the 9th symphony on me :P
i think they're beautiful.
everything is a piece of art
even your body
you can show it how you like
i like to draw on it
it's like taking a part of your soul and putting it on your skin
at least that's what my tattoos are

DR: Since when though? You never used to like that kinds stuff.
Interesting way of looking at it.

Me: i never showed an active interest, doesn't mean i never liked it.

DR: I see.

Me: when i was a kid i always thought i'd get a tattoo someday
didn't think a lot of it though
what started everything, was green day

DR: I see

Me: five years ago, i bought my first eyeliner, plaid skirt, and studded belt.
i have been different ever since.
i am always looking for new ways to express myself
this year, i am all about doing things you're passionate about

DR: I see.
Interesting

Me: i think it's something that's always been manifesting, it just took someone to kick me in the butt to do something about it
but it's true
life isn't worth living if not for the things that you're passionate about
it's why i'm getting so into this music
a lot of things that come up with beethoven, especially in this movie, was a connection to god
there is so much emotion in his music
i listen to the symphony all day.

DR: I see.

Me: no matter where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm looking at, if i'm in the bathroom, on the bus, anywhere...

DR: ?

Me: when that chorus starts up, i smile and feel full of love
it really is the ode to joy.
you can't listen to that without being overwhelmed
billie joe said a similar thing about an emotional song. there's just so much at stake...its really the only way you can look at music like that
i remember every word of the ode to joy (except one that i have to look up :P)
since i first learned it.
even though i haven't sung it in years

DR: I see.

Me: i want to practice with my voice again so that i can sing the soprano part i sung 13 years ago.
so i have just been overwhelmed with the beauty of the music.
plus, it helps me forget that i have no one
well, here

DR: Interesting

Me: when it plays, it's all you think about. it's all you need right in that moment.
here i am typing all this stuff when i should be putting it in my journal :P

DR: Haha. Just copy and paste! Lol.

Me: I will :P

DR: Good!

I think that about sums up a lot of my feelings in the last few days. I know I had more to explain, but this is getting long enough as it is. I may clarify other things later. But before I go, I wanted to share some quotes that I quite liked from this movie I watched.

"Dreams can be wonderful, they can also be dangerous. Sometimes all the more wonderful because of the danger."

"I'm a very difficult person, but I take comfort in the fact that God made me that way."

"The vibrations on the ear are the breath of God, speaking to man's soul. Music is the language of God. We musicians are as close to God as man can be. We hear his voice. We read his lips. We give birth to the children of God, who sing his praise. That's what musicians are. And if we're not that, we're nothing."

"Ugly. You think it's ugly. Of course it's ugly...But is it beautiful?"

"You can't have your head in the clouds unless there's shit on the soles of your boots!"

Anyways. In case you think this lengthy rant has made me forget about that exercise I told you to do, I haven't. Do it. Do it for the experience. I dare you to tell me you felt nothing. (Which if you do, I may have to sucker-punch the life back into you.)

I wanted to start this yesterday and hours later, went to bed with nothing to show for it. Now I've spent literally hours today thinking about what I want to write on here, and I've poured my heart and soul out, showing some of my deepest thoughts and feelings in a very elaborate, dramatic, and FREAKING LONG journal entry. So be a champ, and show your appreciation by commenting. What did my post make you think about? What did the music make you think about? What do you love? What music do you love?

If you give a half a damn about anything in the universe...anything at all, talk to me. I wanna know...I've gotten into an inspiration-themed mood. So at least humour me by telling me about something. If you don't want to leave a comment here, facecrack message me.

Come on, you read the part about me being alone here. I do need something to keep my mind stimulated. ;)

Much love to all.

(And if you're here, kudos for reading the whole thing. You're a trooper. Here, have some bonus points. :P Or if you enjoy Zelda, a new heart container.)

Dah-na-na-NAAAAAA!!!! (If you don't get the reference, You=Fail.)

/\/\
\..../ <---heart container?
..\/

xoxo,

Me <3 <3 <3

(Well, don't just stand there, go get those before they disappear! If you're feeling lazy, you can always use your hookshot or boomerang to get them for you. :P)

Work, yay! :D

Gah, how did I go from posting almost once a day, to like, a measly 3 posts so far this month? Teh laaame. But it's been busy and stuff. Burlesque fest, looking for work...and....more looking for work. I don't really know where the rest of the time went.

Good news though, my efforts weren't entirely fruitless, and today I got hired at a nutrition store in Sears. It's in Coquitlam, but it's only a 1/2 hour on the bus, so it's good. Seems like a nice place too, and really nice ladies work there. Plus, I start at $11 because I have experience, which is cool because that's better than I was expecting. And apparently after 3 months that gets reviewed. I also got this part time product demo thing, but I don't really know what kind of hours I'll be getting from that.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck....I did have other news, but I always get distracted writing these things, and alas, it's time for bed. I actually have to get up early tomorrow! :O

So today's post will be boring and pointless, but I'll try and finish tomorrow.

Tata my lovelies!!

xoxo,

Me

Break out those crazy-dance moves.

Okay, this is just balls. I keep getting good interviews, and never get called back. Wtf? I can't possibly think of a good reason why. I get callbacks right away for interviews, and then notta. This is getting really annoying.

Seeing as I can't stand a day longer doing my interviewing job, it seems that the only choice at this point is go go home to Nanaimo for a bit, which I DON'T want to do. Plus, it will make finding work here even harder.

I don't have much of a plan, other than stay as long as I can afford to, and when it comes down to my last $20, take the ferry over and stay in Nanaimo until someone hires me. By the looks of my bank account, that day isn't too far away. :/

I have another interview on Thursday that I'll see how I do on. It's for some product demonstrator thing for natural products. I'm not sure what exactly though, and whether or not it will require me to have my own transportation.

Gah.

Yesterday I was generally annoyed about a certain situation of mine, and at one point flipped out and did this random I-might-just-rip-something-into-shreds crazy dance in the middle of the livingroom. Like some sort of spazz/flail that was me trying to literally destroy my annoyed thoughts that danced in the very air in front of me. It lasted a few seconds, and surprisingly, felt good to do.

A bit later I put on some loud music and did a less insane version of this by just dancing/jumping around to Floor 13. I wanted to just exercise the annoyingness away, but alas my body got tired before my brain did. I had been jumping around with so much angsty gusto (Man, those two words just sound wrong next to each other. :/) that I got tired after just one song, so I sat back down and just put some other assorted loud music on and decided to sing it out for a bit instead.

I think at some point in there I started playing guitar, but after a while it wasn't entirely satisfying anymore, because I couldn't put the volume up to a decent stress-removing level. My landlord goes to bed at like, 7 or 8, so it really limits the amount of hours I can make noise in. Consider the fact that most of the time I don't wake up until the afternoon too. Le sigh.

So, I seem to have come to some sort of standstill for the time being. It's a retarded waiting game I'm stuck in...seems like everything in my life. But, right now it looks like it's got to be done. I'm hoping that things will smooth out for the most part within the next few weeks. I came here to live here, not to go back and live in fucking Nanaimo. After being here, that's the last place I really want to be. But, I need some sort of solution. So it will probably come to that.

Let's see how long I can hold out. Somebody's got to hire me at some point.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go play some loud music quietly. *shudder*

The Great Thunderstorm.

I started this post yesterday, then had to leave in the middle of it, so I'm going to copy what I started and then go from there.

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Geez, no post in a week? Time to do some catch up. It's been busy though; I spent the past four nights dousing myself in glitter and going to the Vancouver International Burlesque Festival. My bathroom counter and sink are covered in a silvery sheen that would probably soon become an extension of my mirror if I continued the habit any longer. In any case, I've already dreamed up an idea for a new number, so hopefully I can jump into the Vancouver burlesque community pretty soon. I miss performing!

I had a trial shift for the job I'm trying to get. It went well, I did a bunch of different things, but it's kind of chaotic in there so I'm sure there's a zillion other things I'd have to learn if I got the job. I'm supposed to hear back by tomorrow though, so I'm hoping I get a good response. I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with surveying.

In other news...the screwed-up world of me is still...well, screwed up. I can feel on top of the world all I want when I go out and do exciting things...but it doesn't stop all the inside things from happening. I try to keep busy. It's the least I can do to distract myself. But really, I have to wonder how long this is actually going to take.

I keep thinking about people who suffer from long-term depression. If you've always had something to be upset about, is it really ever possible to recondition yourself completely? People say you can, but honestly, have they tried it themselves? I've tried to break free of my negative habits for years, and I don't think I've really gotten that far with it. Sure, progress happens...slow, sometimes agonizing progress...but how much is it really changing? No matter what I do and what new things I find happiness in, that tendency to think that my doom is near seems to always hang over my head like a thunder cloud, always waiting for the next opportune moment to strike me again.

I want off buttons. Sure, having such a robotic control of emotions would likely bring about the end of humanity. But there are just certain times when being able to stop thinking or feeling a certain thing would certainly be a giant help. Like right now. Right now would be a really excellent time for me to be able to turn some feelings off. And other ones back on. To get my head in the right place...or at least the place I was hoping I'd have it in at this stage in the game. Expectations are ridiculous. But people place an extremely high value on them. Why? Why can't I just be happy with what I've got thus far, instead of getting upset over what I haven't?

Which brings me back to the cloud. Damn you, cloud. Damn you anyways for fucking with me. I was born with a sunny heart, and you have made a shambles of her. You saw my pure intentions and that displeased you. My will was too strong to conquer, so instead you went for my emotions. She was innocent, and just wanted someone to share the sky with; that would compliment the light with a cool shade. Instead she got a thundercloud. A fucking dramatic, gloomy attention whore of a cloud. Even so, she always shines nonetheless, trying so hard to get the light through. But that just makes it try even harder to block her out. She might be able to get rid of it completely one day...but the damage left behind might not be as easy to hide.

**************************

That was as far as I got. I know there was more I wanted to add, but I was just so frustrated I couldn't really deal with thinking. But I'm sure you get the gist. I'm just so tired. So tired of things being as stupid as they are for so long. I don't really remember a time when they weren't, and it makes it all the harder to be able to switch over my way of thinking.

I went over to Aaron and Kat's yesterday for a meeting they put together for the models on debt counseling. It was pretty helpful, and it was also nice to just go and chat with people for a bit. Makes me feel a bit more normal now that I'm getting to know some people around here.

On the way home, I got to the bus stop to find out that it would be another 20 minutes until the next bus, which was pretty much the time it would take me to walk home, so I did that instead. As I walked, as usual I had music on, and of course when I do that it always reminds me of certain people.

At one point I felt like I wanted to cry about something, and my eyes watered a bit, but I kept myself distracted by music and the brisk air. I took some deep breaths. Couldn't get rid of it though. I was almost home when I flipped my freaking foot again. Four days in a row of wearing heels and I was fine...but I walk on flat ground in normal shoes and I hurt myself. Fuck. It always happens when I'm upset or distracted. In any case I'm fine, but I just thought it was stupid.

I came home and had nothing much to do, so I started poking around excel to see if I could work out some budget stuff. I went through a few things, and as the hours wore on I realized how incredibly fucked over my finances actually were. Bills I'd forgotten about. Bus money I would never have even if I got a new job, because the transit is so freaking expensive...and that's not even the half of it. There were so many things, it was just overwhelming. And then it happened.

I knew the day would come. I thought I was doing pretty good at avoiding it, and in fact almost thought I would be able to skip it entirely with the success I've had with distraction lately. I've been happy here, and find myself smiling in the weirdest places and occasions because of it. But I knew before I left that one one random night would come along where I would be caught off guard, and my wall would be broken down.

I started bawling my face off. Anything and everything that I could possibly be upset about all came rushing forward at once.

It was about 2:00am by this point, and I figured I'd send an email to Owen's work address so he'd get it by tomorrow. I started typing and trying to say everything I wanted to say, but my fingers didn't work as fast as I was thinking. So instead I called home. It took probably at least a half hour or so for me to calm down, and finally hung up the phone around three. I had a temporary solution, but it still didn't stop me from being angry at myself.

I'm significantly calmer now than yesterday, but the fact still remains. Some things I just do and never know why I do them. I turned my life upside-down, and what the hell for. Everyone knows moving doesn't help anyone's problems. And now I'm here, broke and broken. Sure it's great to be doing something new and different. But that doesn't do anything about the things that take up most of my concern.

I know, I must sound like a terrible pessimist. Or at least some people might think so. (*Raises eyebrow* ...Yeah.)

But really, the truth is, I have been happy, and I'm glad about that. It's just that it's been really hard adjusting to everything. And I don't just mean moving and getting used to a new place and way of living and all that junk. I just really mean everything, like, in general. When I was walking home last night I was like, shit...I'm not in a place anymore that if I'm ridiculously upset in the middle of the night I don't just have a friend's house a few minutes away to walk to and have some company and a way to calm down. I have no company. I talk to people through my computer for the most part; I save my phone card minutes for when I need them.

There's just not a lot going on to keep my confidence in myself up these days. I'm just kind of in the midst of an 'everything is falling apart' stage, which cannot seem to go by any slower...and I need some kind of moral support, but most of the people who can offer me that are in another city. I guess the point of this experience is to find it in myself, but really, I'm so fucking tired of that. Either way, all I can do is keep living, and see what happens.

Anyhoo, I'm sure I could go on typing forever. But I talk about this all the time, and every time. And right now, I just really want to go to bed.

I didn't hear back from that job thing yet. I think I might give them a ring tomorrow to see what they thought of me, just for the heck of it.

I'll update the news of that as I have it, along with all the other things I'm sure I'm forgetting in this entry...even though it ended up being double the length it was supposed to be, now that it is filled with two days worth of thoughts instead of one.

...

Bah. Mind blank.

I can't wait to get back to dancing again. Is it wrong that I love the adoration I get only when half-naked? From people that would probably just ignore me otherwise? Maybe...but I love it anyway, so fuck it.

xoxo,

Me

Random thoughtball of the day.

(Look Kara, I finally used it in a sentence. Okay fine...it's a sentence fragment. Whatever. Who the fuck cares about grammar anyway?)

I keep thinking I want to write something, but I can never really think of a good way to put what I'm thinking about.

Good lord, I just used the word 'think' three times in that sentence. It's a word I should really banish from my vocabulary.

*sigh* I go up and down and in and out and through and around....always around...I'm always going somewhere, it seems. It's been an interesting time so far here in Vancouver, nothing extremely exciting, but a lot of things that I'm just noticing around me and it has been a lot to take in.

I'm starting to miss human contact a little though.

My mind swims. Sooo much swimming. I've been pretty successful at ignoring it while I've been over here, what with all the above-mentioned distractions and all. Though I get kind of concerned about the point where I'll have nothing to distract myself with anymore and I'll have some kind of fit.

The war within my head has been laying low and could be viewed as comical at this point, to myself, and anyone I'd try to explain it to. But really, just like nervous laughter, it's just a lighter way of putting things so that I don't have to notice the painful side of the situation. But I will eventually; that much is inevitable.

I get so confused. So, so, so, so, SO confused. I have no idea why I am the way I am. I mean, sure, you could say no one does. And perhaps everyone is thinking this exact same thing, right now. Maybe they are, but that argument doesn't get me any closer to my own solution.

I look at things in a self-teasing point of view at the moment, but truth be told, I am less than content with my current thought processes. But I guess that much is already evident.

Males are also confusing. Interesting, but confusing. >_>

I like that t-shirt that says, "Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them."

I propose that me, Kara and Tanya run away together.

(No Jean, you can't come. :P)

Okay, I think I'm done now. I'll continue my thoughts (or at least explain some of them) tomorrow or something. Tata.

xoxo,

Me